Author's Note: This fic answers the unasked question 'if Kabuto and Sakura hung out in bars together and complained about their lives, what would they say?' Basically, this idea was born like this: Naruto-verse ninjas are mostly pretty stupid. The ones we're told are very smart--like Kabuto and Sakura--are actually of normal intelligence; it's all relative. Thus, they are basically surrounded by idiots all the time. So of course they need alcohol to help cope. And it turned into...this. Crack with a side of angst. If you can, please enjoy it. (laughs)

Note: all the incidents they complain about are taken from the manga. I didn't bother making any up, because canon has plenty.

Chapter 1: Surrounded By Idiots

(Sakura and Kabuto are both surrounded by idiots...and what better way to cope than an underage drinking binge? Yeah, that's not gonna end well.)

It was dark and noisy at the tavern, and Sakura was fine with that. Nobody would notice one more patron with this crowd. Her mission was finished, and she had some time before she needed to head back to Konoha, so surely there was no harm in grabbing a drink or two. Or three. Or however many it took to ease her extremely pissed-off thoughts.

Stupid mission. Stupid clients who underpaid her for this piece of shit mission. Stupid shinobi who had missranked the mission, leaving her underprepared. At least she'd learned enough medical jutsu by now to fix her broken arm. It was still sore, though, and probably would be at least until morning.

"Sake," Sakura said to the man at the bar, who took one look at her face and didn't ask for ID. No one refused a shinobi some alcohol, even if she was underage.

A bottle and a small cup were soon set in front of her. Sakura ignored the cup in favor of swigging straight from the bottle.

"Gaah!" she choked, barely managing to keep it down. Okay, so it was stronger than she'd thought. No problem. Sakura could handle her alcohol; she'd learned from the best. Soon enough she was ordering a second bottle. Feeling a little better already, she began grumbling about the stupid mission.

"Would you shut the hell up?" came an annoyed mumble from off to her right. Glancing over, Sakura realized she wasn't the only shinobi drinking her brains out tonight.

"Shit," she said, reaching for some shurikan.

"Save it," Kabuto said, ignoring her in favor of downing more alcohol. "Really not in the mood right now."

Sakura considered this. Yes, he was a criminal and she should therefore apprehend him and drag him back to Konoha, but it wasn't like he was going anywhere, and she'd already paid for her next drink.

"Idiots," he was mumbling to himself. "Idiots." Sakura was planning to ignore him and go back to drowning her sorrows in cheap sake, but then Kabuto turned to her. "I am surrounded by idiots."

Well, she couldn't just let that stand. Waving to the bartender to bring her another, she turned. "Are you calling me an idiot?"

"Don't tell me you haven't noticed this," Kabuto rambled on. "Everywhere! Why is everyone so stupid!?"

"Well...maybe you're stupid," Sakura said. She was quite pleased with this insult. She was also starting to wonder who was making the room wobble like that, because she had half a mind to punch the asshole's face in. Another drink would help, though.

"Lie to her, I said. Don't mention the invasion. She won't have heard about it, I said. But does anyone listen to me? No, of course not. So I end up getting hit in the stomach with the Ransengan. Great plan. Just great!" Kabuto said, waving one gloved hand in her face.

"Oh yeah?" Sakura replied, knocking back the last of her current bottle. "You think you have problems? You think you can say that to me after you blow up my home, kill the Sandaime, and kidnap one of my best friends!? You think you have problems!?"

"Because those were all my ideas, obviously," Kabuto said. "No, if we'd followed my plan, none of this would have happened! So you want to kidnap Sasuke? Fine, I said. I'll knock him out, bring him back, and be done with it. Then we can invade Konoha. That would've been a great plan! But no, we had to go through some stupid plan with the Chuunin Exam. I'm a spy! I'm not a babysitter!"

"And now Naruto's left as well, and Kakashi's off on missions, it's like everyone is getting stronger and stronger and I'm still behind them, I just can't catch up, no matter how much I train, and everyone treats me like I'm some kind of damn victim, like I need their pity!"

"Well maybe you shouldn't be so pitiful!" Kabuto said.

"You want to try saying that to my face?" Sakura demanded, conveniently forgetting that he just had. Maybe. Someone must be playing with the lights, because things were a little dim at this point.

"Maybe I will!"

"Well maybe you should!"

"Well maybe I don't feel like it!"

"Yeah, well...well why don't you shut the hell up?" Sakura finally said, proud of her clever retort. There was no way he could come back from that one.

"But seriously, what the hell do you have to complain about, huh? I had to fight Tsunade. Tsunade. She blew up a building with her index finger, and I had to fight her!"

"Oh yeah?" Sakura said. "You think that's bad? The village elders wanted to make Jiraiya the Hokage!"

Kabuto paused.

"Well?" Sakura said, smirking.

"...fine. You win that one. But at least the Leaf shinobi can count! 'Sound Four', honestly..."

"You think Leaf is so great?" Sakura snorted derisively. "Naruto has to ask me to read our mission assignments for him, because they're in kanji, and he can't read them! And Sasuke isn't fooling anyone, crumpling them up like he doesn't care! He can't do it either!"

"It's terrible!" Kabuto told her.

"I know!" Sakura said, groping for the next bottle.

"And yet, none of them ever listens! You give them a brilliant plan, and they just ignore you!"

"I explain and explain, and what do I get for my trouble? Nothing! Why did I have to teach Naruto about chakra, Kakashi-sensei's our damn teacher!"

"It's insanity," Kabuto said. "Pure insanity." Looking at the number of bottles in front of Sakura, he paused. "...don't you think that's enough?"

"Shut up," Sakura said, taking another swig. "My teammates couldn't even do the tree-climbing exercise..."

Kabuto gave her a look of horror. Apparently unable to find any words consoling enough, he patted her shoulder. "At least they wouldn't be fooled by dog tracks made with a stick."

"I wouldn't count on it," Sakura said. The room was starting to spin. "It's just so...so...frustrating!"

"It's beyond words," Kabuto said, edging away from Sakura; if she started vomiting, he was not going to be sitting next to her.

"Absolutely," Sakura said. "It's all...it's like there's just this...it's..." She shook her head, trying to grab the sake bottle. She missed.

"Mm-hm," Kabuto said, still eyeing her warily. "Quite the problem. You really might want to slow down there."

"I can handle it!" Sakura insisted. "My master...drinks more than this for breakfast..."

She was about to elaborate, but everything was starting to go dark, and the last thing Sakura heard was a soft "I told you so."