Once upon a time there lived a cow.
His name was *pause*........ Mr Cow.
One day, Mr Cow went to sleep.
He had a very interesting dream.
It was about *pause*...............
A lovely girl with bushy brown hair and wierd teeth. She was frolicking in a meadow full of yellow buttercups and she was singing "Tiptoe Through The Tulips" in a high, out of tune, soprano voice. She was dressed in a flowing Hogwarts uniform and as the wind blew her hair gently back, he could hear it whisper the word, "Hermione".
Mr Cow awoke to the sound of bluebirds chirping in the trees outside his window. He jumped up and quickly ran outside and looked around for the mysterious girl known as "Hermione".
Suddenly, he saw an owl flying toward him.
Mr Cow was very afraid of owls. He mooed terrifiedly and ran away. But the owl followed him into the depths of the Deep Dark Woods, which had conveniently appeared in front of him so we could have a scary scene.
The woods were very dark and full of scary things, like wolves howling, unidentified humanoids cackling evilly, and bats making bat-noises, if bats make noises at all.
Mr Cow reached a dead end. He was trapped. *da da dan!* The owl came closer and closer, until finally, Mr Cow shrieked, "are you coming on to me?"
The owl said, "hoot" and dropped a letter at his feet.
Mr Cow picked it up warily, fearing what it might contain.
He opened it, hoping for his very first love letter.
* * * *
Hermione Granger awoke to a fine Saturday morning, anticipating the day's events. A special guest of Professor Dumbledore was coming to the school. His name was Mr Cow. What a funny name, thought Hermione absently as she got dressed for the day. She thought back to her dream she had had that night. It was about a very handsome purple cow.
Hermione went down to the common room to find Shirley, a very evil H/H shipper, standing blocking her path to her boyfriend Ron Weasley who was standing at the other side of the common room. "Get out of the way, you bitch!" she said.
"Never!" said Shirley and she cackled evilly.
"In that case, I will have to kill you!" said Hermione, and she pulled out her wand and said, "Avada Kedavra!" Shirley slumped to the floor, dead. Hermione calmly put her wand back in her robes and went down to breakfast with Ron, however her thoughts were on the wonderful cow that had appeared in her dreams.
Shirley magically came back to life and said "damn you Madi!!!!! gggrrrrr...I'll have kill you now too, you evil evil R/H person. Die you mortal!! Die!!! (btw...Madi is sitting safely (safe... but for how long??) next to me a laughing and spitting on me as we write this. As you can see, she's very unhygenic..). Shirley marched down to the great hall with a wand that she found somewhere and killed Ron as well as Madi. But sadly, both of them come back to life as we don't want anyone to die. awwwwww...
Ron said "Hermione, I'm sorry, it's OVER(for now)" and left, as this fic is about Hermione and Mr Cow. Don't they make a cute couple???
Madi and Shirley, bickering ceaselessly, went off to have a wizards' duel, but then decided that R/H and H/H were both wrong, and that the true match was Hermione/Mr Cow!! And they continued with the story...
* * * *
Meanwhile, Mr Cow was reading the letter. It was not, as he had hoped, a love letter. It was from Professor Dumbledore and it invited him to come to Hogwarts castle.
Suddenly Mr Cow had a thought, "hey, maybe I'll see this "Hermione chick", or is "she" a man????? duh duh duh... at Hogwarts! Yippee!" so he went to Hogwarts.
* * * *
Mr Cow said, "hmmmm", maybe I'd better drop by my good friend Professor Dumbledore before I get killed by the evil Lord Voldemort!"
Mr Cow quickly found Dumbledore's office, which was pretty incredible as he had never been there before. He opened the door and there he saw...
HAHAHAHAHA! A cliffhanger! Nee hee hee... read the next part IF YOU DARE!!
CLAIMER: WE OWN THE WHOLE DAMNED THING! NYAH HAH HAH!
Kidding. Don't sue.