Can't remember when it felt like life was livable. Can't remember why they didn't save her in time. Why for once they failed. And they failed. Miserably. Sure the world was still spinning. But not the right way. It was without her. Nothing was right without her. They lost her. Left her behind. She wasn't enough. And they couldn't save her. But she saved the world. Funny how blood did so much. Just blood. Saved the world. Ended her life. It has to have the blood. Always did. They loved her. But couldn't keep her. Not even Spike. He failed. Couldn't save her. Too the end of the world. Because the world didn't end. And she did. So he failed worse then the rest of them did. It was his responsibility. She was his best friend. He was supposed to save her. This was one mistake he couldn't live with. It's not really like he was living after that. More dead then he had ever been. More of an unlife then he had ever lived. This was his own personal hell. Living after she had died. None of them were really alive. Especially him and Buffy. They were like ghosts walking in a world without life. Because without her there was no point. She was the only one that brought them life. The only reason they lived. Their Angel. She was their light in a world on infinite darkness. Told the truth. She was truth. Pure truth and beauty. Pure love. Knew how to love without holding back. Without pretending. She knew just what life was about.
Buffy blamed herself far too much. She was too late Dawn had already jumped. "I have to jump. The energy-" And she had to. She knew that. Buffy tried to stop her. Because then she would have let the world end. For Dawn. Her sister. Because she was her sister. Never really was. But always was. The only family Buffy had left. She would have died for her. If only she would have let her. If only she wouldn't have jumped. If she would have waited. Buffy would have given her life. Given her blood. All for her sister. Because she loved her. Endlessly. She was all she had left. All she ever had. The only one who was there whether or not she needed her. Because Dawn was the kind of person who brought out the best in people. Made them happy when they should be wanting to end it all. Knew how to give you hope. Because looking at her made them want to live. Or at least made them want to, want to live. Was always there. When they needed her. And now she was gone. Life had lost meaning.
"The resemblance is uncanny." An amazed Giles said smiling. Really smiling. No one else was. Couldn't. Couldn't lift their lips into a smile. Took too much work. Those muscles seemed to be broken for most of them.
"It's identical." Anya said astonished. "This will solve all our problems." The ex-demon said looking at the robot version of Dawn Summers.
"But it will never be her." Willow said standing up from her seat. "It will never compare." She shook her head. Her face was grief stricken. Couldn't escape it. Dawnie was in hell. All this time. She thought she must be suffering endless torment. And she couldn't get her out.
"Don't you think I know that!" An over enraged Spike yelled over their voices causing them all to take a step back and tremble. "It wasn't the point." He hollered his eyes flashing yellow. "No one, nothing, will ever compare, not to her, not to D-" He paused. Spike stormed out of the room knocking over valuables as he left. Couldn't stay in there. Because it was pointless. None of them mattered. Because they weren't her. None of them were his Nibblet. His best friend. His Angel.
"What's his problem?" Anya asked confused, as she furrowed her eyes brows. Never did get it. She never understood. Was beginning to grasp human emotions herself. She had spent hours crying over Dawn. But she still couldn't read other emotions. Couldn't tell when someone was really hurting. And Spike was really hurting.
"He's taken it harder then any of us have." Xander admitted. "Poor guy." He sighed. For once he respected the bleach blond vampire. For once he didn't hate him. Because he saw the way he crumbled when their precious Dawnie was gone. He saw the way he fell apart. They way he didn't want to feel. To live. And it was enough to gain respect for him. Anything for Dawnie.
Spike stormed back to his crypt the robot following him outside. He could hear her behind him. Each step. He paused and quickly turned to face her. "What are you doing?" He asked annoyed.
"Following you home of course." Dawn bot smiled fakely. It wasn't her. He kept telling himself. No. Because she was gone. And he didn't deserve to have her back. Because he didn't deserve to be happy. He needed to be miserable. It was his penance. His curse.
"Go to Willow." He demanded.
"But you are my master, I need to please and protect you." She spoke with a chipper attitude that made him cringe.
"Wanker wasn't supposed to ad the special programming." He hissed looking to the ground. Warren wasn't supposed to make her want him. Wasn't supposed to do that. Not what he wanted. Not right. It was sick is what it was.
Spike continued walking into his crypt followed by the Dawn look alike. He sat on his couch and turned on the television. He had a bottle of liquor in one hand and a freshly lit cigarette in the other. He was tired of pretending. Tired of living this unlife. Wanted to forget. But getting drunk didn't help like he wished it would. Nothing helped. And maybe someday he would get up the guts to end it all. But for now, all he had the gall to do was drink himself into a thoughtless stupor. The Dawn bot walked over to him with a bright smile on her face. She knelt in front of him graciously. She looked so much like her. But she wasn't. Never would be.
"What the bloody hell are you doing?" Spike asked taking another swig from his bottle. He looked frustrated but curious. Wanted to just look at her. Because she looked just like her. God she even smelled like her.
"You look stressed Spike." She nodded inching so close she was now in between his legs. "Want me to please you?" She asked smiling as she ran her hands up his legs, like it was nothing. Like what she was offering was something Dawn would do. Was never something Dawn would do. She wasn't Dawn. And she had no right to pretend she was. No right at all.
Spike grasped a hold of her shoulders tightly. "Don't!" He hissed. "Your a worthless machine. Your nothing like my Dawn." But she was. So much like her. He threw her onto the couch beside him. "Just leave me alone." He growled. She wasn't her. Never would be.
Suddenly he felt arms rubbing his shoulders gently. "You feel tense, poor Spike." She offered rubbing him gently. Sounded like her, looked like her smelled like her. Maybe...No.
"Don't bloody touch me." He shook her off. "What makes you think I would want that. Even from Dawn. We were friends." He sounded fake. But angry.
"My programming says you love me." The machine looked saddened.
"I loved her." He admitted. "I would have died for her. But not this way. Never." Spike lied again. Said he never thought about her that way. He was faking it, as always.
"That's not what my programming says...it says you wanted me." Dawn bot moved closer trying to snake her arms around Spike.
"No!" He growled. "Stop!" He couldn't breathe anymore. She wasn't his Nibblet. He looked at her. She looked so much like her. Wasn't her. Couldn't be. Because he didn't deserve that. She was a worthless machine. Didn't deserve her face. Not her perfect face. No one deserved that face. Only the original. Only his Dawn. No one else compared. No one ever would. She was light pure light. And all his, never his.
"But Spike, I thought that was what you wanted?" She looked confused. Deeply burdened. And she was just a robot. Nothing more then scraps of metal. But she looked so real. The emotions painted across her face looked real.
"No, not from you." Spike shook his head and took a drag off of his cigarette. "Your not her. She would never act like this." Spike gulped down some more liquor.
"My program-" The bot began to speak but was interrupted.
"Screw your bloody programming." Spike hissed. Worthless machine. Not his girl. Cursed her name is all it did. Not his Dawn. No she wouldn't hang on him this way. Oh but she looked like her. And he had wanted to taste her so badly. It would never be over. Because he loved her. No matter how he tried to pretend he didn't. Wanted her in ways he wished he didn't. And her look alike beside him only caused him more torment. Because she wasn't her. But maybe, he would taste her. Just to feel her again. More then he ever did. More then he ever would.
Two Weeks Later
"Maybe this isn't such a great idea." Xander said watching Willow knelt down in the graveyard.
"Were doing this." Willow shouted as she began the ritual. "Were bringing Dawn back." She nodded. This was something she had been planning since Dawn died. And it wasn't going to fail. They wouldn't fail this time. Buffy had been planning to be out of town. She went to LA. Didn't say when or even if she was coming back. And Willow wouldn't let her fall apart. She needed her sister. And so did they.
This ritual had to work because they couldn't fail again. Their Dawnie meant everything to them. And she wouldn't let her rot away in some hell dimension. Because then it really would be her fault. Because she could have done something all along.
A Few Hours Later
Xander held onto Willow who was trembling from head to foot. "Willow are you alright?" He asked holding onto her.
"The ritual...Dawnie." She mumbled.
"Willow the urn of Cirosis." Xander attempted.
"Osiris." She corrected slightly annoyed as she peeled open her eyes.
"Well it's sorta, it's broken." He frowned.
"Oh no I remember." She sighed. "Demons." She sounded sad.
"Well find another one, just like we found this one." Xander attempted reassuring her.
"There is no other one. That was the last one." She whined.
"Well piece it back together. Some glue, some tape. Right as new." Xander continued trying. Because that was his thing. Always try to look at the bright side of things. Make things funny. Even when they weren't.
"No, the urn is defiled." Willow shook her tired head. "Dawns gone, She's really gone." Willow tried not to cry. All this time. All the hope she had. Was wasted. She was gone. Her Dawnie was really gone.
Dark. So Dark. Cold. Damp. Where am I? Dirt. Can't breathe. Have to get out. She was scared. Where was she. It was cold and hard. She dug at the surface of the coffin. Had to get out. She could. If anyone could she could. She clawed at the coffin. Punched and dug and kicked. Never screamed. She cracked open holes. With her fists. The dirt came pilling in as she knocked out the wood of the cold coffin. She closed her eyes and dug at the dirt. Pushed it away. She pulled herself out of the grave. Her hands hurt so badly. Everything hurt. Everything. She pulled her way out and onto the hard ground. So cold. And hard. Everything hurt. She tried to move her stiff bones. Everything felt stiff.She tried to run anywhere. Had to get to the place where it ended before. Where she felt safe, and warm and loved. She had to go to the tower. Where the purple swirls and lights saved her. Took her.
She saw fire everywhere. Fire and smelled gasoline. There she was. In chains. Tied up. Why was she in chains. She was a good girl. Never did anything wrong. They were pulling at her. Ripping her apart. Her. Not her. She was here. This wasn't real. She was looking at herself now. This had to be. Hell. This couldn't be real. Dawn tried to run. Ran away from the fire and the smell of gasoline. Ran to the tower. Had to run to the tower.
Why did the stupid bint always ignore him when it was pivotal that she didn't. Spike walked down the street. He had told her to stay. Stay at the Summer's home. Said she needed to stay. But didn't listen when he told her to. Stupid machine. Stupid thing always running her mouth and never listening. Spike walked down the Sunnydale streets. He could hear noises. Laughter and motorcycles. He followed he noise. He came to a clearing. There were demons on cycles riding off in laughter. Stupid bint. Did it again. Had to go and tell them. Ran her mouth that the slayer was out of town. He looked around. There she was. Dawn. On the ground in pieces. Skewed all across the ground. Spike hurried over to her. He knelt down beside her. Machine. Thats all she is. Couldn't even keep a look a like around. Always got into trouble. Real or not. That was his Dawn. Spike reached down to close the Dawn bots eyes. But she quickly blinked and look up at him with that cheery sickening smile.
"Spike?" She asked scared. "Why is it so dark?" She asked confusion rushing through her.
"Shh." He couldn't be mean like usual. Couldn't call her worthless like he normally would. Because she looked so much like her. And now he was losing her too.
"Where did I go?" She asked blinking like she could cry. But she wasn't real so she couldn't.
"Huh?" Spike looked at her confused. "Stop mumbling your making no sense." He hissed.
"No. I was here. There. And I saw me. No." She shook her head. "Not me. Her. The real me. I ran away. Where did I go Spike?" The Dawn Bot closed her eyes. "I-" Her voice faded into nothingness. Just a low rumble. Because she was just a machine.
Spike shook his head. Couldn't be. They couldn't have given him back to her. No. He didn't deserve it. Just a crazy machine spitting out lies. His Dawn was dead. She couldn't be alive. Maybe they did give her back to him. Maybe. But where would she go? Where? Come on Spike think. You know her better then anyone. He knew her. Knew where she would go. Where it all ended. Spike paused. He rushed to his feet and jumped onto a motorcycle that was beside him. He sped off as quickly as he could. Maybe she was alive. Maybe. As he sped off all he could do was beg. Pray to God who he knew hated him. But not his Dawn. She deserved to be blessed. Spike just hoped it wasn't some sick trick the Dawn bot was playing on him. Getting back at him for treating her so badly all that time. Finally getting smart on him. Messing with his head. Because he didn't deserve to have her back she couldn't be back.
Before he knew it he was at the tower. That same tower he had despised all this time. Wanted to tear it down. Because if it weren't for the tower she would be with him. He shut the motorcycle down and threw it aside with ease. He ran towards the tower. He climbed up as he had done a few times before. Accept this time, he knew it would be the last. If she really wasn't there, he would just keep walking. Off the edge. This time he would have the backbone to do it. To end it. Jump off the tower. And when that didn't kill him he would wait. Till the morning came to scorch him.
He made it to the top with ease as he looked up to see the back of a brunette standing there. Couldn't be. Just some demon in his girls clothing ready to laugh in his face. So he could finally end it all. He looked at her. Smelled the blood in her veins. It was a smell he couldn't mistake. But it couldn't be her. Because he didn't deserve redemption. Just torture. But her blood. No mistaking that smell running through her warm body. It was her...
Dawn stood on top of the platform. Her knees feeling as though they were going to buckle beneath her. It was cold, so cold. She looked down at he ground beneath her. It was the perfect solution. The perfect blend of madness and destruction. She could jump and get the warmth back again. But where was the beautiful swirl of purple electricity? Where was her saving grace.
"What are you doing?" Spike hollered.
Buffy I have to. She only mouthed the words. Because she didn't remember how to speak in this world. To hard. She closed her eyes. This was her solution. Her way back to the light and warmth. This was the only way, to escape. Hell.
Spike suddenly realized what she was doing. Realized what she was about to do. Why she was here. And he wouldn't have that. Not again. "Dawn no!" He hollered as loud as his voice would allow. The platform began to buckle beneath their weight.
That voice. Wasn't the same. Wasn't Buffy. Not the same as before. Not the voice from when she was last here. Someone else. Something else. Who was is? She turned around only to be faced with a bigger nightmare. She didn't know. It wasn't the same. Who was it.
"Dawn, it's really you." He looked at her. His girl. She was back. "Your alive." He tried to remain composed. The platform shook again as Spike could hear something snap. He couldn't breathe. This was really his Dawnie. His girl. She was alive. They gave her back. He felt an aching in his gut that he had never felt before. His girl. He tried to take another step closer but he felt the platform buckle beneath his weight. "Dawn..." He was begging now, desperation laced in his shaky voice. "It's Spike you remember me don't you?" He pleaded.
Dawn didn't move just looked at this figure before her. Spike. Tried so hard to remember. Who was this person. Did she know them? Couldn't remember. Blond. Cigarettes. Smoke. Liquor. Friend. Hero. Words were placed into steps. Didn't know. Couldn't think straight. Couldn't remember. All she could remember when looking at his face was feeling safe. Home.
Spike's lower lip trembled as he fought to hide the pain and fear. "Dawn, you left me." Spike nodded. "And now your back. I tried Dawn. I tried so hard. I couldn't do it. I can't not without you. You don't wanna leave me again Dawn. You can't." Spike pleaded moving closer as the platform shook again. He looked her over. She looked frightened yet so calm. She was so dirty. And her hands they were covered in crimson red. Oh God. Spike shook his head inching closer. He had to save her this time. He couldn't let her fall. Jump. Had to save the girl. Accept in time this time. Had to make it there before it was too late. Before she fell again. Had to save the girl. His girl. Never his. Always was. If he didn't get her off the platform they would both fall. But maybe that would be okay. "Say something!" He screamed. Had to. Why wasn't she answering.
Dawn looked up at him quickly. She had been staring at the ground beneath her. Her eyes were empty. She was frightened. A lost little girl. Wandered too far from home. Into hell. She blinked for once as the tower shook again. "Is this hell?" She asked the vampire weekly. Her voice was dead. As were her words. So much meaning in them. So little feeling. They were both staring death in the face. Both of them had died once. Could do it again. Together. Maybe.
"No." Spike sighed looking at Dawn his eyes filling with tears. He tried to hold them back. He hadn't cried in a long time. It wasn't something he did. Not Spike. But this little girl was tugging at his heart strings. His unbeating heart. And he wondered. Was this what love felt like? "Dawn we have to get you off of this tower now!" He hollered as the tower began to shake more violently. Spike couldn't tell if it was him or the tower shaking more. Spike could hear something crack underneath Dawn. He jumped towards her wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her closer to him. He tightened her body to him as close as he could. Couldn't let her fall. Not unless he was going with her. Not this time. Not alone. The entire tower buckled beneath them as it began to fall. Spike held onto her as tight as he could. They fell. Just like before. Accept this time they were together. As they fell Spike could feel Dawn tremble. She was frightened. But something inside her was hopeful. That this was it. Her way back to the light. The warmth.
To her dismay Spike broke her fall. Without hesitation he lifted her from the ground and began running. He wasn't far from home but he had to get her there. He couldn't let the tower fall on them. Had to run. Ignoring his breaks and bruises he carried her away. She didn't speak to him. Didn't move. It was obvious she wanted the fall. Wanted it back. Now it was gone. No way to find the light anymore. Because the tower was gone. Falling all around them in dirt and rubble. In swirls of destruction.
Forgetting the damage behind them Spike set Dawn down on the grass. He looked at her calmly. He couldn't hear what was happening behind him. All he could do was stare. In amazement. This was her. His Dawn. Her eyes were glossed over with gray nothingness. He reached up to touch her cheek for the first time in a long time. This wasn't the machine this was really her, Dawn. Still just as beautiful. He looked down at her hands. Fingernails lodged with dirt. Her knuckles and wrists covered in blood. Knew what she had to do. Had to do it once before himself. Claw his way out of his own grave. Knew what it felt like. Wasn't easy for a newly sired vampire. He couldn't imagine what it was like for her. A little girl. Normal girl. Never really was little.
Spike carried her up the stairs not wanting to frighten her. Or make her walk. She looked so frightened. So breakable. So innocent. Who could blame her. She had literally been through hell and back. When your a demon going through that kind of torment was different. Always different for demons. Not angels. She was an angel. Didn't deserve hell. Didn't deserve any of this. But then again, no one ever really got what they deserved. Not in this world.
He carried her into her room and set her down on the bed. She looked around nervous. "We left it all the same." Spike promised. Not really sure if she could hear him. Wished she could. Wanted her back. And there she was. He stepped closer. "Didn't change a thing." He nodded. He was standing in front of her now. He looked down at her covered in dirt. "You should probably get changed." He looked for a reply or some expression to sweep over her pale face. Nothing. Maybe picking out clothes was far too much for her right now. Of course it was. She had just come from hell. Been through too much to remember how to pick out clothes.
Spike slowly moved towards her drawers. Didn't want to frighten her by moving too quickly. He opened up one of the wooden drawers and luckily he saw a tank top and a pair of shorts laying on top. Didn't have to go searching around like an idiot. He carried the clothes over to her slowly. He looked at her for a moment before offering her the clothes. Just wanted to look at her. Afraid if he looked away she would disappear. He held them out in front of her. "Here you can change into these."
Spike waited for Dawn to take the clothes. Or at least acknowledge his existence. She just looked at him with a blank stare. As she stared with no reply he felt himself die a little more. Could she even hear him? Did she understand him? Did she care? He sighed and placed the clothes onto the bed. This was his girl. Where was she? Was she even here? He sighed and closed his eyes tightly. Maybe she wasn't really there. When he opened them again he let out a slight sigh of relief. He half expected her to disappear. There she was. Dawn. Still alive. Actually alive. Not a figment. Thought he was imagining her. He had so many times before.
He was going to have to get her cleaned up. To do that she was going to have to get out of her dirty clothes. If she wasn't going to do it. He would have to. Had no choice. People did this all the time. Changed people because they couldn't do it themselves. Doctors touched and saw strangers bodies all day long. But this was different. She wasn't a stranger. She was Dawn. And doctors didn't feel this way about the people they touched. Didn't wish for more all of the time. Lay awake dreaming about it. But he wasn't taking advantage of her. This was something he had to do. This is fine. It's not wrong. It's not wrong. It's not. It's normal.
This is so messed up.
Spike tried cleaning her skin with a wet cloth. She was so dirty. Her skin was so different from the robot's. So real. Not synthetic. It was soft. Spike rung out the cloth dirt pouring into the drain. He was careful not to overstep any boundaries. He knew it was ridiculous to think this way. Didn't want Dawn to think he was taking advantage of her weak state. Knowing it was the farthest thing from her mind. If there was anything on her mind at all. Her expression since he brought her home had been less then blank. Spike ran the cloth along her body. Cleaning the dirt off as best as he could. This wasn't as bad. The washing part. Not nearly as uncomfortable as undressing and dressing her.
"We have to clean and bandage those hands next." Spike said taking her hands inside his. She flinched away from his touch. Spike tilted his head to one side, in dismay and maybe disappointment. Of course he couldn't touch her. Not a demon. Demon's can't touch such pretty things without breaking them. The sad thing was she already looked broken. Tainted. Faded. "Sorry." His voice nearly broke in his throat. He felt an aching deep in his chest. The rejection pained him. Love. This had to be. Wouldn't hurt so much if it wasn't.
Dawn looked up at him. She actually looked at him. Not just a blank stare. Her eyes locked with his. Spike. She shook slightly. "Your hands, are cold." She looked up at him. Everything was cold. And hard. And sharp. Everything was off here. Too much. Was all too hard. Rough. She look away from him. Bright blue eyes that shattered her inside. Until there was nothing. She slowly put her hands out towards him offering them up. Like a sacrifice. All she ever was.
Spike took her hands inside his. He gently touched the cloth to the bloody mess. He tried not to rub to hard. Didn't want to hurt her more then she had already been hurt. Spike made sure to clean her hands, as to leave no dirt. Didn't want infection. She cringed once in a while when it was too cold. Too much pain. Wasn't use to it. Not where she was. Everything here hurt. Wanted the warmth. The light. Spike rung the cloth out in the sink. Crimson red pouring from it. Her blood. Missed that smell. Knew it like no one else did. Knew her. Like no one else. And that blood. Was hers. The robot couldn't bleed like this. Only Dawn. Her blood. No one else bled like her. No one. Spike wrapped the bandages around her hands and wrists. Making sure not to wrap them too tight. He stopped when he was done and looked up at her sullen face. Scared. She was there. In front of him. She was beautiful. So perfect. How could he have failed on her? Didn't this time. She was here. Something was right in the world. Something was right again. She was here. Reached up to touch her cheek. Didn't want to break her. Then again everything was meant to be broken. Even her.
Dawn stood up and walked out of the bathroom. Not quickly. But very slowly. Her movements were very slow. As if they were forced. Because they were. Everything felt far too stiff. Dawn stood in the middle of her room. She slowly sat on the surface of her bed sheets. Spike followed her out. He did as she did. Sitting beside her. Didn't know what to say. Not much to say. Nothing left to say. Had said it all.
"Spike!" Xander's voice called from down the stairs.
"Up here!" Spike yelled careful not to scare Dawn. She looked scared. Didn't want to talk to them. Didn't really remember them. Spike stood up and so did Dawn. She inched closer to him as she could hear the footsteps creeping up the stairs. Too much.
"Spike you-" Willow stopped as she saw Dawn.
"Spike, whats the Dawn Bot doing in here. I thought she was supposed to be out?" Xander looked confused. Supposed to be with her "friends".
"Xander, that's not the robot." Willow looked into her eyes. She knew Dawn. Knew it was her. "It worked!" Willow looked as if she were going to cry. Her voice broke.
"Hey Dawnie." Tara said walking towards the scared little girl. Never was little. Always was to them. "How are you?" She asked smiling bright.
"Hey Dawnie." Anya crowded into her space. "You wanna tell us all about hell?" She asked smiling like it was nothing. Dawn cringed. Couldn't understand all these people. Who were they. Weren't him.
"Anya!" Xander hissed. "What she really needs. Is pizza and ice cream, and some sugary snacks. Right Dawnie?" Xander smiled. They were crowding in too much.
Dawn just looked up at Spike with wide eyes. Eyes that pleaded for saving. He could do that. Could save her. Like he failed to do before. Like he wished he could. Spike stepped in front of Dawn. "Leave her alone." He hissed. "All of you." He growled.
"Right, Spike's right." Willow nodded. "She needs some relaxing time." Willow smiled. "I'm just so glad it worked." Her face looked so bright that you could swear she was going to burst.
"Worked?" Spike looked at the red head confused.
"Well we sorta did a little spell." Willow said shyly. "But it worked."
"You didn't think to let me in on this little plan of yours." Spike questioned.
"Well we knew you wouldn't understand." Willow chided. "And I knew what I was doing. We had it under control." She sad angry.
"Yeah red, real under control. So much so, that Nibblet had to claw her way out of the bloody grave." They all looked at Spike astonished as Dawn winced. "Yeah, didn't think about that one did ya. Left her there." Spike growled. "I can't take you lot of sodding idiots. I'm leaving." Spike started charging out of the room.
"No!" Dawn hollered her burdened and shaky voice finally rising above a whisper. Only when she thought he was leaving her. Only for him.
Everyone stopped and looked at her and Spike turned back around a confused look on his face. Was she calling to him. Never was. Couldn't be. Why did she care. She had the Scoobies here now. They were all she cared about. Not him. He was just there when necessary. She didn't want him. No she didn't need him. Wasn't possible. He needed her. She didn't need. Him. He was just a demon. Just a thing. Nothing. Not worth her attention. Not worth it. Not worth anything. A demon. Evil. Not for her. Not for the Angel. Dawn. Light.
"Don't leave me." She trembled looking at Spike now. Looking through and beyond the rest of them. Because they didn't matter. Just him. Her eyes flickered with emptiness.
"Who Dawnie?" Willow asked. Her right. She was the one who saved her life. Brought her back. Why would she want anyone else.
"Spike." She whimpered her breathing heavy. The rest of them were taken aback. Were almost angry. Jealous. Because the angel didn't bother with them. The Angel chose the Demon.
Spike closed his eyes for a moment. He walked back into the room. He so desperately didn't want to be in. Not with them there. But he had to. Because she wanted him there. He gave her whatever she wanted. "I'm not going anywhere pet." Spike said cupping her face inside his hands. She closed her eyes and slowed her breathing down. "She'll need some rest. Call Buffy...tell her to come in the morning." Spike said directing the comment to the Scoobies. Not looking at them. Slowly everyone of them faded out of the room. They never went against him. Did whatever he said. Too afraid of William the Bloody.
Spike shut the door to Dawn's room .That's all she wanted. Just to be alone. With him. No one else. Didn't recognize them. They weren't really there. Dawn lay down on her bed. Spike gently kissed her forehead and began to walk over to a chair on the other end of the room. Couldn't sleep in the bed. Not with her. Not with the Angel.
"No, stay." She pleaded. He looked confused. He was staying. Then as he realized what she meant his face grew worried. Could he stay in the same bed as the Angel. Without breaking her. Spike lay beside her in the bed. Dawn grabbing onto him with her tiny hands. Always gripping for something. Because now she didn't want to fall. She lay on his chest comfortable. Safe. For once she was safe. For once it was okay to close her eyes. He would take care of her. Wouldn't make her talk. Make her think. Make her smile. He would keep her safe. From the demons. From everyone. Her savior.
Spike woke in a tangled mess of limbs and heavy breathing and heat. He woke up tangled in Dawn. He breathed her in deeply. His chest rising and Dawn's small body rising with it. His arms were wrapped around her tightly. He looked down at her beautiful figure laying on top of him. She wasn't sleeping. He could tell by the way her breathing was. He held her tighter and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. His Dawn. Alive. He was holding her. The only one that could keep her safe. The only one that wanted to. She smelled so good. Smelled like Dawn. The blood pumping through her veins made him crazy. Made him hungry. He sighed.
"Sleep well pet?" He asked closing his eyes. Trying to remain calm. As their Angel lay before him. It was still dark outside. Could smell the darkness. His home.
Dawn thought for a moment. Sleep. Did she. She couldn't remember. Remembered closing her eyes. Remembered feeling safe. Being in his arms. Remembered opening her eyes. And feeling everything come crashing in again. Feel the cold. The Dark. The hardness. The pain. And she must have slept. Must have because he remembered waking up. Didn't dream. She breathed. It hurt.
"I don't-" She sighed. "What did you tell everyone?" She asked calmly. He knew what she meant. No one else would have. He always did. Loved how she didn't have to speak much with him. Could read her thoughts.
"Oh-" He sighed. "Well, we, I, got a robot." Spike answered. Not wanting to. Knew he would have to tell her eventually. "She looked like you. Walked like you. Sounded like you." Spike breathed. Wasn't her though. Sounded like her. Wasn't. There was nothing he could do to make him self believe it was her. Wasn't the point. Was used so they didn't have to worry about it. Worry about lying. Getting caught. To the rest of the world Dawn was alive. She wasn't dead. But to them. She was. "God she even smelled like you." Moaned like you. Screamed like you. Didn't bleed like you. Wasn't you.
Dawn stood up and walked over to her closet. She paused as she walked past her mirror. She stepped back and looked at her own reflection. When did she get so pale? Her body was like a skeleton. Frail and week. She was white. Her eyes had large bags underneath them. Her eyes based with a tiredness no amount of sleep could cure. This was her. Since when? Looked at her wrists. No cuts. Not like before. When the Doc cut her. The scars were gone. No more cuts and bruises. Spike watched her every move in wonder. She lifted her shirt over her head. Luckily she had been wearing a bra. Spike didn't know if he could take that. This was already far too much. He didn't know whether to look away or stare. Couldn't look away anyways. She looked at her stomach. No scars. They were gone. If she didn't have scars. Was she even real? She was skinnier then before. Then she remembered. Frailer. She was afraid she was going to break herself. Just by moving. She breathed. Spike watched her every move. Was this his Dawnie? His girl. What was she doing? He looked at her mesmerized. She was perfect. How could he let this beautiful thing fall.
Dawn turned around to face Spike. He was nervous. Why did she look so sure. Like she was looking for something and couldn't find it. Spike wondered if he should look away now or help her find it. She walked over to him. She knelt down in front of him as he sat on the side of the bed. She looked into his eyes and he looked back. Curious. What exactly was she doing? Dawn quickly ripped Spike's shirt over his head. He didn't protest. Could never deny her what she wanted. No matter what it was. Even if he wanted to push her away now he couldn't. Though, him not wanting her to wasn't a problem. She slowly ran her hands along his chest. Spike looked at her confused, yet intrigued. She touched her bony fingers to a small red scar on Spike's bare chest. He had scars. Why? If she didn't why did he? Was she really here. Did she come back at all. Was she real. Or was this all a dream. A nightmare. Because this was hell. Because she didn't deserve heaven. Deserved torment. Because no little girl would become unclean for a demon. Only her. Would beg for him. Bleed for him. Die for him. All he had to do was ask. But he would never ask. So she deserved hell. She wasn't sleeping. This wasn't a dream. This was real. And she was here. In front of him. Touching him. He had scars. As she ran her hands along his skin Spike tried to control his breathing. He closed his eyes. Wondered if she should push her away, or lead her hands lower. But as he bit his lip he clasped his hands on top of hers.
"Pet?" He questioned. "What are you doing?" He asked opening his eyes.
Dawn just looked at him confusion written all over her pale face. Her blue eyes staring at him in wonder. He was the only who here who she remembered. The only she cared to touch. Let touch her. Spike stood up quickly throwing his shirt back over his head. Because this wasn't right. Not like this. Not now. Just wasn't right.
"Put your clothes on Dawn." He demanded his voice hoarse. He was far away from her now. Too far. She didn't like it. Wished he would just touch her. Wished he was closer. But he was far away now. On the other side of the room. She didn't like it. Not at all.
"Did I do something wrong?" Her small voice quivered. Never rose above a whisper. A pretty little voice with nothing left to say. Nothing left to plead for. She was already dead. She just looked at him on her knees, her eyes faded.
"No, you didn't do any- It's just." Spike fell over his words. Then the demon surfaced. "Your A little girl who doesn't know who, rather, what she's teasing." He growled low in his throat. "Don't go flaunting your hard little body around a demon unless your prepared to back it up." Spike backed away. "And luv, I'm pretty bloody sure your not prepared." His voice came out rough and taunting. "Not for me." Never. Innocent little Angel's didn't know how to play with sadistic demons. Never did. Not like this. Had to make her understand. She wasn't for him. She was too pure. Didn't understand. It shouldn't be like this. Not for her. She needed someone other then him. He was a demon. Couldn't take her. Not supposed to. Because demons couldn't make it right for Angels. Too rough. Too much. But the problem was he didn't want anyone else's hands on her. And neither did she.
"Didn't mean-" She looked up and he was gone. Her Spike. Gone. Before she could finish her sentence he had left her. Was it something she did? Was she wrong? Was it her? Yeah. He saw her for what she really was. Broken. Not enough. She had come back wrong. Spike didn't want her. Never did. Never would. She remembered that. The past. The lies. Because she needed him. And he was gone. Didn't want her. No one did. She was just wrong. All wrong. Useless. No one wanted her. Because she came back wrong.
Couldn't have her. He didn't deserve her. He had to leave. Because he could never have her. Not like this. They wouldn't let him. They had her. And they never would. She needed him. But he couldn't. She deserved more then him. More then a demon. He was not enough for her. Not enough for Dawn. Never would be. Couldn't be. He wasn't a hero. Not enough. She deserved more then him. Deserved more then he had to offer. Because he was a demon. For once Spike knew. He was beneath her.
Dawn remained in the same position. Kneeling on the floor. Confused. Scared. Betrayed. Didn't know why she was rejected. Felt like a pile of useless wreckage. Didn't want to move. Breathe. It hurt. This couldn't be happening. Did she really deserve this hell. Deserve this pain. This destruction. Did she really deserve this. Didn't. Couldn't. Would do anything for him if he asked. But he never asked. Just stared. She could see the thoughts running through his head. Wishing. Wanting. Never asking. Wished he would just ask. Suddenly she could hear footsteps coming up the stairs. Without hesitation. And she didn't want to move. Or breathe. Just knelt there. The clomping grew louder and suddenly her bedroom door was opened. Light shinning inside. Artificial light. Morning outside. The light was rising in the sky. Something she hated. Light. It was too bright. Everything was too bright. Or too dark. Too cold and too hot.
"Dawn!" She heard a voice yell from behind her. And she had no choice but to stand up and turn around. "Oh, Dawnie, it's you." The pretty blond stood there tears welling up in her eyes.
Dawn flinched. Who was this? Couldn't remember. Couldn't remember anyone anymore. Just him. She breathed. Who was it? This pretty girl. She wrapped her arms around Dawn tightly. Her tears were dripping all over Dawns mostly bare skin. The pretty girl buried her face in Dawn's neck. Crying. Happy?
"Buffy!" She heard a voice from behind the pretty girl. Buffy? She remembered that name. Remembered. Almost. Buffy I have to. Dawn winced as the blond held her tighter. Buffy. Her sister. She remembered now.
"Buffy." She repeated wrapping her arms around her sister. She closed her eyes and held her tighter. This was her sister. This was one of the ones that mattered. Her sister. She loved her. Needed her. Family.
"Dawn, I couldn't let myself believe it. When they called me." She sobbed now. Buffy sobbed. "I love you so much." She laughed happiness overcoming her. Her sister was alive. She was here. Buffy could live again. She could be happy. Could try. Because she had her family back. Had her Dawn. Didn't care how. Or why. As long as she was here. She was really here.
"Buffy," Xander walked into the room and Buffy let go of Dawn still holding her hand. "Oh sorry." Xander looked away. Dawn was shirtless. Made him uncomfortable. Like she actually cared. "Um, Giles and everyone is waiting downstairs. Angel wants to see her too." He said softly. Then he began walking downstairs. Couldn't see the Angel. Not half naked like this. Not right. Dawn rolled her eyes. For once. She felt something. Annoyance.
"Come on Dawnie." Buffy grabbed a shirt out of Dawn's drawer. "Put this on and we'll go see the others." She smiled waiting for her sister. Didn't want to leave her. Dawn threw the shirt over her head. Her bones cracking as she did. Everything hurt. Dawn followed her sister down the steps. There was the gang. Everyone. All the names she couldn't place.
"Dawnie." Giles smiled. Dawn could see through every inch of the lies. Could see how fake it was. He uncomfortably wrapped his arms around Dawn. He pulled away quickly. Dawn didn't know when to pull away. Didn't know the proper timing. Buffy's hug was much longer. Felt like it was never going to end. Her sister.
"Wow," Angel exclaimed. "Dawnie..." He smiled wide. This was real. It made Dawn wince. He really cared. His eyes lit up with happiness. He wrapped his large arms around her. She thought she was going to break. Her bones cracked but they couldn't hear it. She could only feel it. He kissed her neck. This wasn't chased. Not like her sister. It made her feel strange. Not like him. He wasn't supposed to. She knew that. Could feel. He belonged to someone else. And so did she. He belonged to her sister. She belonged to his prodigy. The one who was really nothing like him. Really did belong to him. "I missed you so much." He squeezed her tighter. This was not the usual behavior. Not in public. Not between them. They were about ice cream and foolish laughter. Angel pulled away with hesitation.
"So Dawnie." Xander smiled. "What do you wanna do today?" He asked smiling. "Ice cream and sugary goodness." He smiled.
"Or we could go shopping?" Buffy asked going to touch her sister's arm but hesitating. Everyone hesitated.
"If it's okay, Id like to just go for a walk." She sighed. "By myself. Maybe see my friends. Talk to some people." She hated the sound of her own voice. It was dry and lifeless. Like she hadn't spoken for the longest time. But she hadn't.
"Okay, sounds good. You can get out and about." Giles offered kindly. Fake.
"Okay, um, I'll be back tonight." Dawn promised. "We can do the bonding thing." She smiled. Fake. It was always fake. Because they couldn't know. Where she had really been. Thought she was in hell. She knew that. Wasn't. Couldn't know. Had to think things were fine. She was fine. So if she spoke more. Pretended more. They would think she was happy. Happy to be back. Here in this hell.
Dawn walked out the door of the Summer's home. Wanting to get away. Needing to get away. From the Scoobies, filling her head with memories of the past. Memories of her life. When she really was alive. Wasn't anymore. Just here. Needed him. He was gone. Knew where he was. The only thing she remembered. They continued to fill her head with nonsense of sugary snack and ice cream. Things she didn't want. Didn't remember eating. Probably didn't have to. Because she wasn't really here. She was still there. All that was left of yesterday. Still there. Wishing she wasn't. Wishing this world didn't hurt so much. Everything wasn't so bright. So hard. So cold. This time she couldn't escape. Was no tower. No more purple electricity. It was gone. Long gone. And it was her fault. It was never coming back. No more light. No more warmth. It was gone. Her only hope of feeling anything didn't want her. Wanted to be far away from her. It was only fitting. Because this was supposed to be hell. Her own personal hell. Didn't deserve heaven. Just a tease. Only a tease. Because that's all she ever was. So that's all she ever deserved.
Dawn walked around the town of Sunnydale until the darkness settled over. Until it was no longer daytime. Until she could feel the darkness blanket her skin. Moonlight shinning on her world around her. She knew where she was going. Though her feet seemed to carry her there unwillingly. She saw Spike sitting in front of a stone leaning against a tree. A liquor bottle in one hand. He had a heavyhearted look on his pale face. He was mumbling something under his breath that Dawn couldn't make out. It was alright though just wanted to hear his voice. Hear him speak no matter what he said.
"I'm sorry Joyce." Spike sighed. Joyce. She knew that name. Her mothers name. "I didn't mean to abandon her. I just can't take it anymore. We both know I'm not a good man Joyce. I'm a bad bad man. Can't be trusted with our baby. Can't trust myself with her. Don't know why she trusts me. She shouldn't. She does." The blond shook his head. "Love her so much. Always will. Need her. But were both smart folks aren't we Joyce?" Spike chuckled, it wasn't a pleasant chuckle. It was pained and empty. "We both know, she deserves more then me. Probably wouldn't realize it right away. Eventually she would. Realize she can do so much better. And she would leave me. Find some perfect fella like captain cardboard." His voice was shaky. "Deserves better then me. And she knows it. Only thing I can do is break them. Make them scream. But I can't do that to our girl. No." She shook his head. The heat in his drunken words was strong. So much so it almost burned Dawn as she stood behind him. Liquor making it hard for him to know she was there. Couldn't feel her presence yet. "Grew up so nicely Joyce. She's perfect. Just like her sister. You'd be so bloody proud. The things she says. The way she says them Got me on my knees that one does. Love her so much." Spike smiled graciously. "But she can't stay 'cause they never stay." Then suddenly he could smell her. Smell her blood boiling underneath her skin. His Dawn. He whipped around and pulled her onto the ground. He wrapped his arms around her body and pulled her closer. She let out a slight gasp.
"Joyce." She sighed. "My mother." She nodded. "I remember." Dawn's voice was week. Like usual. But there was nothing there. "We've been here together."
Spike chuckled. "Been just about everywhere together luv. Then again, there are a few places, id like to show you. That we haven't been together." He rolled his tongue over his teeth. He smirked. The same smirk that drove her into madness.
"I don't want to be near them Spike." Dawn said dryly looking into the vampires eyes.
Spike sighed gazing longingly at her body. Up her long legs and over her perfect curves. Then he looked into her blue eyes. Eyes that undid him every time he gazed into them. Whether they were blank or full of life. "Course not pet." He buried his face in her neck. "Because your just like me." The blond whispered seductively into her ear. "Like to play in the shadows. With the dirty, tainted things." He nibbled on her ear lobe gently. Knew how to draw them in. Make them want him. Just didn't know how to make them stay. They never stayed.
"I'll stay Spike." Dawn said looking up at Spike. He looked down at her in confusion. "I wont leave again. Ever again. I'll stay. For you." She promised her voice shaking, slightly growing above a whisper. The sound of it shattered Spike's insides.
"Of course Nibblet." Spike smiled squeezing her tighter. But that's what they all say. But they had to go sometime. Had do leave, leave when curfew was over. Couldn't stay forever. Not always.
Dawn stood up slowly reaching her hand out for him to take. "Come on." She demanded. It wasn't hesitant. There was a strength in her now that they both knew would fade in only moments. Because her strength always faded. More lately then ever. Though she was stronger then any of them. When she was with him. It all faded away. She could be weak with him.
Spike took Dawn's hand inside his. Covering her small fingers with his completely. He knew where she was leading him. Through the graveyard and to his crypt. Didn't really want to be there. In that tight enclosed place with her. Knew when it came down to it he really wouldn't be able to control himself. He prided himself in being in control of his demon. Even without a soul. Truth was when it came to her. That all faded to gray. No more blacks and whites.
They were inside the crypt as Dawn swiftly grabbed the bottle of alcohol from Spike's tight hands. She walked around the room as she took a gulp of the liquid and swallowed hard. She cringed at the strength in the drink. Never much of a drinker. Never really drank at all. Once before. With him. She closed her eyes and stood by his couch. Remembered. This place. Spending most of her time here. Making promises and keeping lies. Remembered forgetting here. Forgetting the pain. Remembered everything here. Too much. She took another swig from the bottle. Time to forget again.
"Better take it easy on that Nibblet." Spike warned the beautiful brunette looking at her intently. How could he have let her fall? How could he have let something so perfect die.
Dawn took another defiant swig. Refusing to cringe this time, as the liquid slid down her throat. Spike just smiled. "Was it easier?" She asked her voice was dead. She clasped her tired eyes shut. She bit her bottom lip and breathed out.
"Was what easier pet?" He asked stepping closer. It felt like the closer he got the farther away he really was. Because she would never touch him. Or would she?
"The robot?" She look up at him. "Always smiling. Was she perfect?" Dawn asked. Her voice sounded dry. Inside she was feeling it. But she had to pretend. Like she felt nothing. Because then it just hurt too much.
"What one person finds perfect another might not." Spike shook his head. "But she wasn't perfect to me pet. You were- are. Your perfect." He took an unnecessary breath of air. "She wasn't you. Didn't say the things you say. Didn't tear me apart by just breathing next to me." Spike sighed at his admittance. He was telling her the truth now. Not sugar coating it with lies. "She couldn't be you. No one can. Theres nothing better then the original for me." He promised looking into Dawn's sullen blue eyes.
Something inside Dawn lit up. Something felt alive again. Only Spike could do that. "They all look at me like I'm going to break." She sighed walking over to Spike's bed. She sat on the surface of it. Every movement looked pained. Felt forced. Everything was too hard. "Will I break Spike?" The brunette asked barely whispering. If it weren't for Spike's vampire hearing he would have missed it.
Spike sauntered over to Dawn. He knelt down in front of her. Grasping her thighs and sliding his body in between them. "I could tell you, you wont break." Spike pulled her against him in one quick jolt. Dawn gasped. He was the only one who could get a reaction like that from her. Spike braced her tight against his body. They were face to face. Dawn sitting on the bed. Spike kneeling in front of her. Her body tensed. Spike wrapped his arms around her. One hand reaching up her shirt bracing the small of her back. The other hand tightening on her upper thigh. "But that's never enough for a Summer's women is it luv?" Spike spoke seductively breathing intently on her neck. His breath was hot and steady. "Need to be shown." He ran his tongue along her neck. "I'll show you, just how much, you wont break Nibblet." He nibbled on her ear lobe. "All you have to do is ask?" But she will never ask you. No not his girl. Wasn't like that. Not with him. Would never want that. Never ask. Couldn't because she wasn't supposed to. And she always did what she thought was right. But maybe this was right.
Dawn looked into the vampires intense blue eyes. He didn't know. Just how much she wanted to ask. How much she would do for him. If he only told her to. If he wanted her. Then she would be his. Because she loved him. Needed him. And she wanted this more then he could ever imagine. "Show me Spike." It came out so sure. So certain. No doubt in her unburdened voice. This was something she couldn't vier away from. Didn't want to. But the certainty would fade in only moments.
Spike looked at her in dismay. His eyes lit up with a defined hope. Something he never expected her to say. Expected her to tell him Buffy would be expecting her. But not this. Never. Not his Angel. Suddenly an evil grin flooded Spike's features. Spike pushed Dawn's shoulder down so she was sprawled out on her back. He leaned over her body. Snaking his way across her perfect figure. He stared down at her in wonder. Spike crushed her mouth with his. He would show her. Just how much she wouldn't break.