This is my response to Siriusly Smart's "iPod Challenge".
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"This life gets lonely, when everyone wants something,
This might have been your fate,
But they'll get theirs eventually,
And I hope I'm there."
-Pink, 'Eventually'
It was doubtful to Severus Snape that he could ever fully make amends for his past wrongs. Nothing would ever atone for the crime that had been the death of Lily Evans. Her brilliant, warm flame had been extinguished and its heat and beauty would never be replaced. There was no life that could compare to her, no life as precious or unique, but Severus knew that there had been an individual worth to every life that he had taken and felt a burden of guilt that would last many lifetimes over. He smiled wryly. His was a dangerous path – no less than what he deserved – and the balance between his two masters was a precarious one; it seemed doubtful that he would live to see the end of the accursed war.
From his vantage point on the astronomy tower, Snape could observe the Hogwarts grounds from above, like the bat some impressionable children half-believed him to be. The cool breeze ruffled his hair, but it did nothing to quell the storm of fear, anger, resentment and regret that brewed inside him, a most volatile combination. The conflict was escalating. He could feel it in his bones. He could read the signs, unlike the dense, arrogant Potter boy, and despite the stakes having been raised, Severus had never had such difficulty keeping his emotions in check.
Just once he would like to tell that twisted husk of a human being no. Severus wanted to sneer at the Dark Lord, raise his wand, and curse him into oblivion – Tom Riddle was the only being he loathed more than himself – but yet again his dearest wish was to be denied to him because of a Potter.
Severus had loved Lily. He still did. He could still picture her tantalising smile and sparkling green eyes with perfect clarity. If... If he hadn't uttered that one, vile word, then he could have cherished her and lived an enchanted life. Instead, the opposite had happened. Severus was alone, bitter and the goodness she had brought to the surface had withered and died with her.
The desire to be free and to make his own decisions had run rampant. Instantly, Severus had regretted pleading with Albus. Once, killing had been as easy as breathing. Pointing his wand and making others suffer as he did... But he didn't want to kill Albus Dumbledore. Snape loved his mentor for trusting and forgiving him, and he despised him for controlling him, but no matter how often he grew angry, Severus would rather end his own life than Dumbledore's.
Ignorant of his inner turmoil, the tiny figures of students roamed the grounds, anything identifying their houses indistinguishable from this height. They would be discussing whatever 'gross injustice' had befallen them, lamenting the way their latest paramour failed to notice their existence, arguing about quidditch teams, thinking of excuses not to hand in an essay... How he loathed them. How he envied them.
Sooner or later, they would all feel his agony in some way or another. Severus regretted this, to some degree, and yet he wanted them to know, to understand it all. Spinning on his heel, Snape made for the door.
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