Disclaimer:Sadly,I do not own Lord of The Rings or any associated character. If I did, I'm sure I would admire myself a hell of a lot more than I currently do.
Summary: Boromir comes up with an amazing plan that, if carried out successfully, will save the fellowship many pains and hardships in their quest to destroy the one ring and to save all of ME. The question is, will he succeed? ...Or will he drive the rest of the fellowship insane? COMPLETE. Humour/Parody. Rated T. Boromir & Aragon.
Author's Note:Sooo... this is my very first LOTR fanfic (okay, well technically it isn't, but that's a WAY different story! *No, you cannot, and will not hear about it, Nicole!) Anyways, I got the idea from a very funny LOTR comic strip I found while browsing DA, so hardly anything I've written here is of my original idea, lol (and wasn't I the one bitching about people not being original?! *I can hear you laughing, Nicole. AND IT ISIN'T FUNNY, YOU TURD!). ANYWAYS, I'm going to have to cut this off short because if I don't, it'll go on forever and ever and ever. Dedicated to Nicole. Includes all members of the Fellowship, though more elusively Boromir, and a brief Elrond appearance. Rated T for various curse words and even more curse words. Enjoy!
Boromir's Fantastic Idea
By: Phoenix-Infinite (Black-Paper-M00n)
«How about a catapult?»
«A catapult?»
«Yeah, how about we hurl the stupid ring right into Mordor? Straight over Sauron's defences!
Aragorn groaned, eyeing the obnoxiously loud son of Denethor with a look that suggested he were adressing a particularly stupid orc.
«That's stupid.»
Opposite him, Boromir made a rude face, crossing his arms with a little huff.
«Well I don't see you coming up with anything!»
Resting a hand on Boromir's arm, Aragorn regarded the warrior tiredly, his voice monotone with extreme boredom. I'm surrounded by idiots.
«Calm down, son of Denethor, we need not raise our voices.»
The latter did quite the opposite. Marching across the circle until he was hovering a few inches away from Aragorn's face. The ranger couldn't help noting that he resembled a constipated beaver, the way he was straining in anger and all.
«No! No, I WILL NOT calm down!» He bellowed furiously, spraying Aragorn's face with spit. «YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T EVEN NEED YOUR RING OR THIS STUPID FELLOWSHIP!»
He continued on like this for some time until-
«BOROMIR, FOR GOD'S SAKE, SHUT UP!»
Gandalf stood up swiftly, looking rather weary of it all. Boromir muttered a rude word under his breath, making sure to step on the Ranger's foot as he stormed back across the circle, sitting down again with annoyed sigh.
«Fine.» Glancing around at the shocked council members, he choose instead, to drone out the remainder of the discussion by keeping tabs on how many times Gimli snored.
AN HOUR LATER...
«Very well, it shall be done.»
Elrond raised a slender brow, completely disgusted at the councils's final decisions (he'd make it a point to disband the council as soon as he could). Turning his gaze to Boromir (who was staring intently at Gimli in an extremely concentrated manner), the elf lord raised his voice, trying not to choke as he declared the members of the fellowship and how they would be disposing of the accursed ring.
«Boromir, son of Denethor, you will catapult the ring into the depths of mount doom and end this reign of darkness once and for all. May the stars guide you brightly.»
LATER...
Boromir grinned widely, adding the final touches to the giant-sized catapult stationed outside his father's palace. He knew it had been a good idea, had he not told them from the start? He'd show them!
«Quit your bitching, Ranger.» He added confidently, turning to Frodo for the final element of construction.
Aragorn ignored him, continuing to whine about it as much as he could. It really was the stupidest thing he had ever done, and that was saying something. Groaning, he crossed his arms and turned his back on the whole thing.
«I am in no way associated to any of this.» He wouldn't help any of them even if they promised him a make-out session with Arwen. Well, maybe...
«Alright short stuff, cough up the ring!»
«Yes, Boromir!» Frodo hurriedly handed over the ring, wanting to get away from the man as quickly as he could.
«Ready?» The son of Denethor pulled back, struggling to hold it and aim at the same time. Cocky Ranger, I wouldn't mind some help, you stuck-up bastard!
Oh, fuck it. Like I need him anyways.
Boromir let the catapult fly, shading his eyes to better trace the ring's trajectory as it whizzed past them.
Author's Notes: This was extremely amusing to write. Follow and review or else Boromir will take your ring and catapult it into the wild blue yonder.