Dealing with feelings

Hello wonderful people! This is a new story of mine, really short probably just 2 no more than 3 chapters. Of course knowing me it will be a Botan and Kurama story, because those two are my favorite couple. This one I can definitely promise won't have a long period of time before the next update. I know why do I keep making stories when I have 4 unfinished ones? Well The answer is I just couldn't resist! It came to me and it was pretty easy to write, I was just going to make it a one shot but I decide to extent it. So enjoy!

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho but I would love too though

Chapter 1: Her feelings

I've found myself thinking about all the things that lead me to conclude what these feelings are. All the mistakes that lead me down this forbidden path. This taboo feeling is wrong and I would do everything in my power to get rid of it. But that's easier said than done; after all it's easier to fall in love than out of it.

Even after all the promises I've made to myself, all the lectures in front of the mirror, all the remembering of the pain of what happen last time I just couldn't bring myself to hate him. I couldn't bring myself to hate either of them, my old and young love. In a sense I love Shuichi Minamino because he reminded me of my Youko Kurama. My dear Youko, the one I thought would be the last person I would ever fall in love with, but I guess I was horribly mistaken.

Every time I was around Shuichi I would get this feeling, this calm relaxing impression that nothing would ever go wrong, that he would always be there to protect me. They were too much alike; they both cause my pulse to beat faster, my face to flush, and my eyes to glow daze. They both cause me to want to go into a dream like state every time they were around, to sigh like a hopeless schoolgirl, and I would never do such a thing. I am now the Deity of Death; I couldn't afford to feel these feelings. This foolish emotion called love…

But even if I repeat this over and over again for endless hours and for countless days I would always find myself coming to the same conclusion over and over again. I can't fall out of love, try as I might, and I do try, I can't bring myself to forget my feelings for Shuichi. Because if I forsaken my feeling for Shuichi than it would be forsaking my feeling for my darling Youko and I just don't have the heart to do it.

Every time I see Shuichi he would smile that breathtaking smile and the whole world seems to freeze in place, the only people around were just me and him, and every time I would catch myself just before I sighed. He would give me that greeting that sent shivers up and down my spine. Than I would find myself smiling like an idiot to him, making him think that I was just a bubble brain that everyone thought I was, that I was some ditzy bimbo who's only accomplishment in life was to do something simple like tying my shoe.

So I would try to ignore him, overlook his presence so in the end result I wouldn't end up making a fool of myself. The only thing that backfired was that every time we were alone together it would be this awkward silence, and I couldn't bring myself to say anything without the fear of embarrassing myself before him. I have to be completely truthful about myself without revealing myself too much, and that can be very hard.

I couldn't help but notice sometimes how distant I could be, I consider all of them to be my friends but I couldn't bring myself to open up to them. To share my problems, to talk about my mistakes, I'm always in a battle with myself if I should open myself to Keiko or not. Every time I got the courage to speak up, she would start talking about her problems. How Yusuke wasn't paying enough attention to her, or how he could be such a jerk, or even how he wouldn't tell her if he's going on a mission. Every time she tells me those things that only thing that resurfaces in my mind was at least she has someone to be worried about, at least she has someone to fuss over.

Even when I was with Youko, any sign of weakness and he wouldn't try to show it. His pride wouldn't allow it, and when I'd tried to help he would send me away. Saying that he didn't want me to worry over insignificant wounds like this, that what doesn't kill him only make's him strong. I wanted to believe it, truly I did, but every time I saw him come back with a new injury, my heart just aches. I just wanted to cry and coddle him, but I knew he wouldn't allow such a thing. That was what made me want to do it even more, to show to him in some way that I loved him and that I cared. But the more he pushed away the more I wanted to be with him.

When I looked back on my relationship with Youko, I guess that's what making me so distance to Shuichi. Because Youko was the only person I've ever been with and it's the only other time I could draw up experience on something like this. I suppose I needed Youko more than he needed me, I was just probably getting in his way.

But with Shuichi I know he doesn't need to be coddled, I saw that at the Dark Tournament, even in his most dire circumstances he refuses to back down. His raw strength and his determination to do something always pull him through. He doesn't need anyone but himself and his mother. But sometimes when I'm in the bleachers inside the arena I see something that sends my heart beating in overtime, it might just be my imagination but when I see Shuichi grow furious his eyes, his emerald eyes would flash the most brilliant golden color. I just wanted to melt into the seats and sigh.

"Botan-san, are you alright?" That demanding voice slice through my thoughts. I knew he wasn't asking about the welfare of my health, he wanted to know why I was so quite.

I looked up, seeing a worried Shuichi. I couldn't help the smile that graced my lips, but than I noticed something. The only time we really talked was when he asked how I was doing; we don't talk about anything personal and I'm not even sure if were friends. We're probably just mere acquaintances, never really going to pass the line of barely familiar strangers.

"Oh Shuichi-san I'm fine." I smiled once again, trying to reassure him for a brief moment before he turned his attention elsewhere.

He smiled, and my heart skipped a beat again. I expected him to look away, turn his attention to anyone else but me, but his emerald eyes were fixed upon me. As if trying to read me, trying to calculate if what I said was true.

"Botan-san," he started softly his emerald eyes were still transfixed upon me.

"Yes Shuichi-san?"

"Would you mind doing me a favor?" His tone was so gentle, and his face seems to slip a little. As if he finally completely comprehended what he was going to ask of me.

"But of course Shuichi-san." I smiled happily, wondering just what he wanted from me.

"Would you mind calling me just Kurama? No formalities but just plain Kurama." His emerald eyes almost seem to beg me to call him that.

I was shocked, Shuichi asked me to call him Kurama. It would be like merging both of them into one, the already thin line that separated Shuichi from my Youko was rapidly crumbling.

Could I deal with this? Am I able to separate them in my train of thought? They were already too similar for comfort, and if I cross that line would I ever be able to come back? I found myself questioning everything, my thoughts on only if I could be able to do this, if I'm able to bring myself to call him that. Finally I decided if it would make Shuichi happy by me calling him that name than so be it.

I closed my eyes then opened them again; with a strain smile on my face I opened my mouth and answered his request, "Of course Kurama."

And my whole world seem to come crashing down when those words left my lips. I did it I called him Kurama…

"Botan-san are you sure you're alright? You're starting to look a bit pale." His warm emerald eyes was laced with concern when he placed a hand upon my shoulder.

I started to stagger away, my vision getting darker and blurrier. I looked back and smiled, "Nothing wrong, besides I'm always pale."

"But…"

"I'm just fin--" I felt something hot slide down my left cheek, trembling I lifted a hand to touch the wet trail. My eyes widen in shock, I was crying.

"Botan-san if something I said had offended you please tell me." He begged tenderly; his hand had return on my shoulder.

I didn't hear him, the shock still haven't worn off yet. "I'm crying…" I whispered that to myself.

"Botan-san please tell me what's-- Botan!"

Sorry if this chapter is a tad bit confusing, I know Botan keeps switching back and forth from Shuichi and Youko but I guess it's the conflicting emotions. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it so yeah. Please read and review and tell me what you think, the more reviews the faster I'm going to put the next chapter up!