Author's Notes:
Fair Warning - bittersweet ending. All I gotta say. X) Well, at the very least, I tried to do it that way.
I'd been debating whether or not to distinguish the lyrics more. As you may notice, I opted for the latter. But just in case it causes some confusion, lines that are in poetry-ish form and italicized are lyrics of the song.
I hope you enjoy the story. ^.^
Constructive criticisms are highly appreciated.
Disclaimers:
Card Captor Sakura is not mine; it's CLAMP's.
"Congratulations" is not mine; it's Blue October's.
No copyright infringement intended. This story is written for entertainment purposes only.
I guess it holds truth—that old adage. They say that you can never really know how much you value something until you've lost it. It's a sad truth, quite tragic, really. But what can I say? Humans are humans, bound to make grave mistakes with dire consequences, no matter how many times they've been reborn. No one's perfect.
And I am no exception.
People have remarked how great a magician I had been on my previous life as Clow Reed. And I guess I can't quite deny that fact; the man had done quite remarkable things. What most people miss, however, is how similar our mistakes still are despite the eons separating us: still incredibly failing at this thing called "love."
I've married, yes, and to an amazing person, may I add. I've also loved. However…
Is that seat taken?
Congratulations.
Would you like to take a walk with me?
I was at the airport at that time, waiting for my wife to come back from her last-minute shopping in the airport's little stores. It was winter, and despite the four walls and roof that sheltered me from the biting cold outside and the layers and layers of clothes I had on, I was still freezing. I decided to grab a cup of hot chocolate while reading today's paper. Despite the heavy crowd that day—for many vacationers were returning from whence they came, just like us—I still found solace at the only empty table at the corner of the store. I had been lucky that there were two empty seats. I sat on one end, facing an unoccupied chair just in case my wife pleased to join me.
As my interest for the business-section of the paper wavered, my hands instinctively turned to the next page: entertainment. I glanced at all the pictures in the page and identified every single one of them as singers. My thoughts instantly drifted back to my one and only best friend. Her angelic voice rang through my mind. Conversations of the past replayed in my mind: how cute her best friend was in the costume she had made, how my guardians had invited her over for lunch, how successful our duet had been… They went on, and they all sounded so real, as if I was young again, as if she was there with me.
"…seat taken?" she used to sa—wait. What?
It had dawned on me that someone had been trying to ask me something. As the gentleman that I had always been, I apologized to the lady while folding the paper that I had been reading. Before I could finish my sentence, however, I had a chance to gaze at the young woman's face. So familiar… I thought, tilting my head to get a better angle. She's almost like…
"Daidouji-san?"
"Hiiragizawa-san?" I heard at the same time.
Had we been in a different situation, we would've laughed at our reactions at our impeccable timing. But, alas, we weren't.
I did not know what to do at that moment, but thankfully she started to speak again. "I was asking you if this seat was taken—"
"No," I cut her off, "not at the moment anyway."
She flushed, looked away, and said, "I apologize, sir. You must be waiting for your wife. I'll just look for another seat."
How formal, it's just like her, but there's something odd with her tone. I would've just sat there and stared at her with awe, but her movements called me back to reality. "Wait! Tomoyo!" that caught her attention, as I'd hoped. She turned around, facing me. "Please, sit down. I'd be honored if you accompany me."
She seemed hesitant for a while, but seeing as she had a cup of, I'd assumed, hot chocolate in one hand, and a bag in the other, she was forced to join me at the table. I smiled, overjoyed at the fact that my best friend had finally made her apparition after a long time, that she was finally at an arm's length away.
My mind it kind of goes fast.
I'll try to slow it down for you.
I think I'd love to take a drive.
I want to give you something
I've been wanting to give to you for years.
Normally, silence had been our unique form of communication. She understood me; I understood her. Words were not needed; we'd always had a mutual understanding. Speaking was only used in uncovering that which is not in the present. What happened in your past? What do you want in the future? Our conversations never included the present. We were—and probably, still are—so similar that, if we ever talked about the present, our exchanges would be overflowing with me-too's and unnecessary nods.
But this situation was different. Something's aloof. The silence was unbearable, and I longed to hear her voice once again, calling out my name just as she used to.
About to go insane, I started with a simple, "How have you been Tomoyo?"
Not even looking up from her apparently interesting cup of hot chocolate, she had given me an, "I've been well, Hiiragizawa-san," without even asking me how I'd been.
And there's one more thing. "What's with the '-san' all of a sudden? Am I that old?" I attempted—and failed—at a joke.
She sharply looked at me and answered with a just-as-sharp, "As you wish, Hiiragizawa-kun."
So you wish for war, my dear Tomoyo. "Eriol," I stated sternly.
"Very well, Eriol-kun," she casually sipped her drink.
Really? "Eriol, my dear Tomoyo," I reiterated, "Eriol."
A heavy sigh, "Alright," a look in the eyes, "Eriol," a sarcastic tone, "are you satisfied now?" was all she did before taking interest in her cup again.
I took a sip of my almost forgotten drink. "What's wrong?" I knew this would be fruitless, but I had to try.
"Nothing." Another ender.
I reached for her hand that was lying beside the hot cup. She looked at me, questioning my actions. "Something's obviously wrong, Tomoyo," I switched to a whisper, "please do not put a barrier against me."
She was silent for a while. After a few moments, she closed her eyes, put her head back, breathed a heavy sigh, and slowly slid her hand away from my grasp. "I'm sorry, Eriol," she'd opened her eyes again, looking straight at me, "I apologize for my mood. It's been a rather busy week, and I haven't gotten much sleep."
"Oh," I pulled back, "I understand." But I cannot let our conversation end here. "You've been working with your mother in the toy company, correct?"
"That's right," she nodded.
And in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere, "Do you still make those cute clothes for girls?"
She chuckled, "Yes. And what have you been doing?" Thank heavens!
"Well, I've just set up a small business in England," I replied, happy that she's finally attempting a conversation.
"I'm assuming it's a magic store?" she said with a knowing smile.
I couldn't help but indulge in the hot chocolate as a treat. "You know me too well."
"That I do, Eriol." She, too, took a sip. "How are Spinel-chan and Nakuru-san?"
"They've been extremely," I paused, "hyper," at that, she giggled. "Nakuru-san managed to get a recipe of this dessert: hot fudge topped with a scoop of vanilla ice cream topped with chocolate syrup. You can guess what happened when Spinel-chan sampled it."
She laughed, "That's quite a disaster."
"Indeed," I nodded, "My house is still in repair."
She gasped, "Ohoho! Eriol, the most powerful sorcerer in the world, cannot manage little Spinel-chan's mess?"
A dare! "Only half as powerful, to refresh your memory," I took another sip. I deserved a treat. "It's now taking me twice as long to do whatever I used to do regularly."
"Would you like to demonstrate, then, dear Eriol? This seat seems to be malfunctioning," she challenged as she wiggled to prove that that chair's unbalanced.
"And reveal myself to the whole world?" I retorted. Only the same handful of people is aware of my special abilities.
She considered the argument, and then, "Perhaps the faucet in my house then?"
I was about to give my affirmative when…
"Oh, pardon me," she was looking gloomy again, "Mizu—Hiiragizawa-sensei might worry if she doesn't find you here," she half-smiled as she took another sip.
Hi… sen… I cringed at the name. It just didn't quite fit.
She spoke again. "She's very lucky," I looked at her, but she didn't look up. She was too busy tracing the rim of the cup's top. "She happened to marry the most eligible bachelor of Tomoeda."
"I'm flattered," but inside, I wasn't sure that's what she wanted to say.
She was still in a trance-like state, running her fingers over and over the rim. "Every girl used to have a crush on you, you know?" I was aware, yes. "You're everyone's ideal man: intelligent, good-looking, sweet…" she paused, as if considering another factor, "a bit too thin, maybe, but a real gentleman."
I was about to comment on that last part, but she beat me to an even more interesting detail.
"Even I fell victim to your enchantments…" a pink tinge slowly crept up her cheeks.
I was in shock. I felt my jaw slowly give in to gravity, my eyes slip out of my sockets, my heart claw its way out of my chest. Did she just…? Did I hear…? Was I just…?
"Oh," her finger must've slipped, her spell, then, broken. "Oh what am I doing saying these things to a married man?" She looked at me, "I do apologize, Hiiragizawa-san, for my inappropriate thoughts."
I shook my head. "You were merely reminiscing."
"Right," she took a sip.
I came to see the light in my best friend.
You seemed as happy as you'd ever been.
My chance of being open was broken
And now you're Mrs. Him.
I wanted to know more. I felt as if I was nearing a valued treasure, and the terrain had just become more dangerous. That's why, even though I had a feeling it would be fatal, I asked, "Why weren't you at the wedding yesterday, Tomoyo?"
I did not know if it had just been my mind playing tricks on me then, but I could have sworn, for just a mere moment, she had glared at me, as if I had asked her to kill herself in the most brutal way. But by the time I had decided to check her expression, she had blinked it away, covering it with a false façade. "I did pass by the church just before the ceremony ended. I figured that I'd just cause some trouble if I showed up so I didn't bother getting off the car."
"I see." So she was there. "I would've still enjoyed the company of my best friend at the reception, you know?"
She took a deep breath and neared the cup to her lips as she mumbled a nearly inaudible, "It would've hurt so much." Confused, I looked at her, trying to ask what she had meant. She must've thought I didn't hear her since she gave me an, "I had been busy with mother's instructions about a business proposition." She was probably unaware that her mother had passed by to tell me that she was sick.
"You're lying through your teeth, Tomoyo," I was offended by her dishonesty. "If you didn't want to attend, you could've just said so."
"It's not that easy, Eriol," her eyes. I couldn't figure them out. Something's…
My words they don't come out right,
But I'll try to say I'm happy for you.
I think I'm going to get that drive.
I wanted to give you something
I've been wanting to give you for years.
"I did wish to attend that wedding, Eriol," she continued. "You're my best friend. I wanted so desperately to share that special moment with you. Just," she finished the rest of her drink, "just… not in that way…"
I felt so lost. For the first time, I couldn't figure her out.
"You see, Eriol, I thought I loved Sakura intimately. But then I realized later on that I loved her as a mother would love her daughter. Neither of us was aware of that feeling. My mother's almost never there and I've often been told that I looked like a carbon copy of her mother. That's why I took it upon myself to take care of Sakura, to love her," she was on the brink of tears, but her voice remained a whisper.
For the first time, I couldn't understand her.
"And then she was attracted to Yukito. When I learned it was only because of Yue, I felt relieved. But then Syaoran showed up, and that time, my heart broke for good. I thought I could never love someone again but," at this time, her cheeks were wet with tears. She wiped them unconsciously just before a fresh batch dampened her cheeks again. "But then you came in."
"Tomoyo…" was all I could say.
"Eriol, I wasn't aware about this type of feeling until you came in my life. I didn't know about the joys it can bring to my life. I didn't know about the destruction it can cause. You've brought happiness to my life again. You've helped me piece my heart back together. And I've been trying to give it to you, hoping you'd accept it. Instead, it's been shattered again."
"Tomoyo, I…" didn't know what to say.
"That's why I didn't go, Eriol. It's too painful for me. I was hoping that you were only attracted to Kaho because of her powers, but I guess I was wrong. I love you, Eriol, I always have. I'm sorry I had to tell you this way. I know it's not going to change anything. I've been trying to suppress it long enough until I can get away, but you and your stupid questions—!"
There were still no words needed. I came to her side and hugged her. I brushed her hair with my fingers, trying to comfort her, hoping that the damage I'd caused would be reversed. I lifted up her chin, kissed her lips, and she kissed me back. For that split second, I had wished, I had hoped, I had thought that time would stop. For that brief instant, I was ecstatic, I was overjoyed, I was truly happy. For that one moment in time, I thought of nothing but her, nothing but us, nothing but the feelings that we shared.
But she pulled away. Too soon. Too suddenly. Too quickly.
"Don't do this to me, Eriol," she wiped her tears. "You're a married man, and this is very inappropriate. There are lines we must never cross."
"But Tomoyo—!"
"Stop," she was firm. "Don't make this any harder than it is. I've tried to move on ever since you left for England the first time. I'll just have to do the same this time."
I tried to protest, to stop her, to tell her there might still be hope in the future, even if I wasn't certain myself. I just didn't want to...
"Quite frankly, Eriol, I don't know what to do with it now," she looked me in the eyes with half a smile.
My heart
"I failed at planning this. I only ever got to what I would do if you accepted it. I've never quite thought of what I would do if you didn't. I never had the heart to consider it."
And I can't change this,
I can never take it back.
But now I can't change your mind.
You left me.
"Flight HK2103 now boarding. Passengers, please proceed to door C5. Thank you."
She stood up, bowed as low as she could, and said in a very business-like manner, "Thank you for the time, Hiiragizawa-san. I've enjoyed your company. Congratulations on your marriage. I hope you and your wife will lead a happy, prosperous life." She threw the empty cup in the trash bin behind her. She proceeded to gather her belongings and walked away.
"Tomoyo," I wasn't aware her name escaped my lips until she turned around.
She smiled a genuine but sad smile as she told me those two words, "Sayonara, Eriol," before she boarded the plane that took her out of the country.
"Sayonara, Tomoyo."
I didn't even know where she was going.
I was still following the barely visible plane make its way across the sky when a voice broke me out of my thoughts.
"Entertained?" asked my wife. I looked at her, summoned the best smile I could plaster on, and met her lips. She had similarly soft lips, correspondingly warm welcome, and equally burning passion. But something was different about this kiss. I deepened the kiss, trying to figure it out. It was then that I realized that when I kiss my wife, I felt unquestionably, certainly, absolutely…
…Nothing.
Go away.
Make it go away,
Please.