A/N: Hello guys! Tsub here (Second Authoress/Smutyaoifan). This is the first fic that LuckyTattoos has made, and my first collaborization too. I'm here to give you the down-low for the first chapter of this strange fucked up story.

First of all, Dom and I switch every paragraph, and Dom started, so that's how you can tell who wrote what. For instance, she writes from 'Once upon….' To 'much sense either..' and pick up after that. It doesn't really apply to dialogue, as sometimes that begins a new paragraph…oh well. We really hope you enjoy this, because we CERTAINLY enjoyed writing it. :D

Warnings: Language, Violence, Future Lemon, Future Yaoi, Drug-use, somewhat Non-con (but then again this is a crack fic so who cares), major, major OOCness (like seriously), Crack couples, This story does not make sense, and generally Insanity.

Disclaimer: WE DO NOT OWN REBORN, PEDO BEAR OR SOUTH PARK. Or Twilight. Thank God.

Fran's Magical and Moose-Filled Journey of Wonder and Joy.

Or Something Like That.

Chapter 1

Once upon a time in a land far far away lived a young man and his frog… no, that's not right. Actually maybe… was his sister a frog? His mother? No no…. something closer more like… Ah! Right. Ahem. Let's try this again. Once upon a time in a land far far away lived a boy who was also a frog; or so many believed due to the large bulbous frog helmet he wore. In truth however; he was a simple human. He had two legs, not four, two arms, not zero, he did not have a giant sticky tongue, and aside from the times his mean stepbrother Belphagor shoved them down his throat, he did not eat bugs. Orphaned by his frog- er… human parents after a terrible car crash, Fran, our protagonist, was adopted by the cruel Xanxus who had many children, one might say, he didn't actually care for. But when one is competing with a certain Sawada Tsunayoshi who seems to get new family members like they grow on trees, you can't steal… no no, we mean adopt, yup that's it, you can't adopt too many children from orphanages. So Fran now lived in this hell hole of a house where everyone hated him and he had to wear this stupid helmet just to survive and do all the stupid chores cause he was new to the house and he had to sleep in the worst bed that was hard and lumpy and his room was always cold- though that might be because his roommate- Belphagor once again- always stole his blankets saying something about being a prince and how frogs didn't need warmth cause they could just defrost later. Yup Fran didn't think it made much sense either…

While muttering to himself after having to clean up after another drunken brawl between Squalo and Leviathan, Fran discovered a trap door under the rug in the living room/big room/where they all hung out or whatever room. He was wary of entering this newly found curiosity holder, but when he heard Belphagor yell for him to play another game of House, he quickly threw all hesitation away and jumped down into the darkness. As he looked around, he found that he was in a magical land with a sky of purple and a sun that looked like it was a pedophile.

But upon further inspection; though maybe it wasn't the smartest move considering he looked like a 12 year old, Fran noticed that while is wasn't a pedophile, it was indeed Pedo bear. Slowly inching his way back towards the door, the purple mist slowly began to engulf the frog headed boy and bash him against the wall. Suddenly, Xanxus came down stairs with Squalo not too far behind him. As the scary leader man spotted the blue hair- wait was it blue? Green? Maybe it was aquamarine… er okay so Xanxus was glad he hadn't voiced that thought and scratched rhyming off his internal lists of cool things to do to be cool. The point is when he spotted the frog boy and he was mad.

"What the hell are you doing in my play room!?" Fran looked up

"Oh? Is that what this is? I thought it was someplace fun…" Turning to leave, Fran walked up the stairs and approached the two other men before stopping at Squalo.

"Though I'm sure you have loads of fun." His monotone voice making that sentence Oh so convincing. Way to tell a great joke Fran, way to go. Continuing on his way out and ignoring the funny faces and curses of the swordsman, the boy left with a sigh. Great. Now he would have to play doctor with Bel… its not like there were a hundred other places to hide in this giant mansion… oh wait he could! Ah that's right… there weren't, Bel had already found them all.

Then he thought about something…Maybe, just maybe, he could escape from this house prison of torture and doom and Bel. Just maybe…So as he sneaked around all ninja like, all the while wondering why Xanxus had Pedo Bear in his basement and then deciding that thinking about it might cause cancer, he came across a slight crack in the wall. Looking around himself, from left to right from up to down (hey, you never know), Fran took the nearest heavy object and threw it against the crack, hoping to widen the crack. But then he realized that the heavy object he had just thrown had been a bomb. Who woulda thunk it. Uttering a quick 'My bad' before fleeing in a random direction, the bomb went off and BOOM half the wall of the house was decimated. Thankfully, Xanxus and Squalo were still in magical playroom-happy land, so Fran didn't have to worry about them stopping him in his escape. But there was always the danger of Bel. Praying to God, Buddha, Kami-sama and Hi-Chew, the boy leapt out of the rubble and ran for his motherfucking life.

However, Fran never did have good luck, and just as he felt the warm grass beneath his feet, only cause he forgot his shoes, He was grabbed by someone and knocked out. When Fran woke up he was in the scary dark prison of doom, well looking around, it was actually just his room, and it wasn't a prison, he just happened to be tied to a chair. But on his behalf, Bel was in the room as well, so it might as well have been that thing he said before. The froggy child tried to open his mouth to protest but found he could not speak because there was a piece of duct tape covering his mouth. Oh that was just great. Fucking thing would hurt like a bitch to rip off later… especially cause he needed to shave… Fran laughed to himself, what idiot told Levi that mustache made him look good? Fucking idiot… that's what he looked like, so on second thought Fran shrugged; maybe it suited him. But that wasn't the real problem here, the problem was that Bel had captured him, knocked him out, put tape over his mouth and tied him to a fucking chair- and a really uncomfortable one at that. The blond was staring at him- or so Fran assumed since he was facing him and no one could see Bel's eyes anyway. Yet this particular stare- or hair… in front of… eye movement… glance… concealment… well Bel's laughing made him kind of nervous- it was never a good sign.

The worst part of the situation was anticipating and wondering what the crazy so-called-prince would do next. He actually would have wished he were in the hands of a killer or a rapist, because at least they would have made sense. The crimes that Bel commit don't make much sense at all, or were at least completely psycho. Hm, but looking at the situation maybe Bel was going to slowly strip his clothes piece by piece, possibly with a knife which would leave scars that he would have to explain one day to his psychiatrist, and then leave him whimpering and helpless before he turned him on his stomach and…NO BAD THOUGHTS BAD THOUGHTS. He had to make it positive. Yes, positive thoughts, like…like…what did he enjoy? God he was such a boring child. Fine then, he would make something up that he liked. Maybe a scene of him standing victorious over the defeated bodies of his step siblings and father, striking a pose of dignity and…

"Hey, snap out of it." Bel grinned. "You're kind of drooling, shishishi…" Fran blinked and realized he had zoned out. The last time he zoned out he had missed Christmas…that was a terrible, terrible time. The bloodthirsty teen continued his strange and unorthodox laugh before grabbing a big brown sack and placing it in front of Fran. The restrained boy started to panic. What was in that bag, exactly? His death? A chainsaw? Pockey? He preferred the latter. Bel finished his laugh before slowly opening the bag. "Oho, I'm going to make you regret ever even contemplating leaving me with all these boring siblings when you are such a fun target." Sweat rolled down Fran's neck as he waiting for Bel to pull whatever it was out. And it was…it was… A TV? Fran blinked. What wizardry was this? What was a TV going to do to him? The blond started to laugh again as he pushed a sketchy looking videotape into the VCR. "This my friend, will be your worst nightmare for months." Fran snorted. This was the best he could come up with? But as the film started to roll, the frog kid thing's eyes slowly widened in exasperating fear. No, it couldn't be…Anything…ANYTHING BUT THIS. Yes, you guessed it, it was…

NEW MOON. DUN DUN DUN DUN.

Ah. This couldn't get any worse. For one, that pigeon toed… pattin shoed… padder sews? Well whatever that pat something or others name was, he was scary looking! And that Bella girl… what the hell was her problem, after all this shit the guys tells her he's experienced and she freaking WANTS to be a vampire? I mean, if he were Edward he would find that insulting and slash her throat right then and there. Fran thought as he was actually starting to enjoy the movie. He laughed at Bel's failed attempt. Suddenly there was a loud explosion and the screen went and did that static-y thing where it turns gray and has those like exploding black and white candies everywhere. And just when he was getting to the good part! What was going to happen was that wolf guy going to save her? What she going to get eaten? Oh Fran really hoped so. Just then Bel walked into the room again laughing his head off. God that laugh was so annoying. What the hell was his problem? Had someone drugged his mother with laughing gas when she was pregnant? Did they like fumigate his mother's uterus with it? Or maybe he was dropped on his head and this was the result of many years in a straight jacket. Fran didn't know, but as Bel pulled the tape off his mouth, he learned one thing. He was right. Fuck! That hurt like a bitch. Rubbing his mouth he stared up at the idiot prince expectantly but he just stared back.

"You can go now"

"Huh."

"I said get out!" Pushing the boy out of he room Bel slammed the door causing Fran to turn around and knock incessantly

"Wait Bel I want to know how the movie en-" and then there was nothing but that stupid laugh. That was it. He would never know how the movie ended? What kind of sick twisted...That was it. Fran needed his revenge.

After having a long night's sleep with no blanket and dreams of vampires licking Mary-sues' tears in a way that was meant to be romantic but just came out kind of creepy, Fran awoke to himself falling out of bed. Well, it hadn't been the first time. Rubbing his ass, he hoped that Bel hadn't heard him because now was the time for his revenge. Ah yes, Fran was skilled in the way of the teenage bitches; he could dish out some crazy shit and leave you going 'WHUUUT'. So he tiptoed in a way that would make Looney Tunes proud through the room to the bathroom, which totally had a door leading from the bedroom, and sloooowllyyyy closed it behind him. Resisting the urge to cackle evilly to himself deciding that that would be completely out of character and would receive a many of flames, Fran continued to the cabinet behind the mirror that surprisingly Bel had never figured out. He proceeded to pull out a variety of assortments. "This'll be goooood." THE NEXT DAY. Bel woke from his brilliant dream of finally going to Disney World, to the feeling of disappointment as it was only a dream, and that was all it ever was going to be no matter how many times he thought he finally rode Dumbo. Stretching a bit, he leapt out of bed and trudged over to the bathroom. Yawing, the Prince reached for his red washcloth before catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror. OH MY GOD he was…He was…. A FUCKING GINGER. There were freckles, red hair, his bangs were cut so you could see his effing eyes, and his skin was pale as can be. No no no, this couldn't be happening. But then as he tried to think his own happy thoughts before hugging himself in the bathtub, he remembered the night when he forced Fran to watch South Park with him. OH NO HE DIDN'T.

No way. No. Bel would not let that little brat get away with this. Pulling himself together a nice hard slap to the face, Bel decided to take a shower, a very long shower, and when all the make up came off…well it blew his mind.

"So that's how that stupid fat kid did it."

However, he still had that atrocious hair color, and although he wanted to pull his hair out, princes were not bald—not the good ones anyway. Pulling out a large pair of aviator sunglass—he was super stylish and he knew that the world was just jealous of his good looks—and even though he had receive them as a joke from that Lussuria bastard (cause no one could see his amazing princely beautiful awesome eyes) the joke was on him cause now he actually had a use for these super princely glasses. But when he put them on he discovered that the fucking bastard made them black out lenses so he couldn't see shit. But that was also okay, because his princely bangs impaired his vision any way, so it didn't matter. So he went back to the attached room, and still no one could see his eyes. After all, they were too amazing for stupid commoners to see. He laughed until he saw—now wait, as he felt and knew (cause he's an amazing prince)—Fran looking at him with that stupid expressionless face, Bel pounced on and started strangling the boy.

"You Bastard! How dare you mess with my princely good looks!" he exclaimed as he choked the boy to death "My hair was a beautiful royal color and you…and you—!" In the midst of strangling poor Fran to death so much that the boys face was the color of the playroom magical land's sky, the Prince started to cry. Caught off guard, Fran stared incredulously at Bel while trying to recover his breath and hoping he didn't miraculous have asthma. That sadist was…crying? That sadistic crazy blood loving egotistical sociopath? The scene was awkward. Fran didn't really know how to react, so he coughed nervously and tried poking Bel's shoulder hesitantly, as if he was a diseased extra terrestrial being.

"Hey…" pause "C'mon sempai. Like, you can dye it back..." No answer. "Uh…I'm sorry? Okay? Please just st-"

"FOOLED YOU!" Bel pounced back on the boy.

"SHISHISHI you really thought I was sad, weren't you? You're too damn soft!" Gahh…Fran cursed himself inwardly. Shoulda known. He wondered to himself that maybe the Prince actually had been sad but was now really embarrassed…the world may never know. Just like tootsie roll pops…Mmm…..BACK ON TRACK. But if he wasn't he wondered why he had tried to fool him in the first place, because if it was some sort of diss than gosh darn it that was superfuck fail. The frog boy would have thought about this all day, but you must remember he was currently DYING. But, just then, he felt himself drift away…When the teen awoke he found himself in a magical land—no, that's been done already. It sure was magical looking, but Fran was skeptical. It was just all clouds and sky and…OH SHIT he was dead. Fran snapped his fingers in annoyance. Now he lost that bet with Squalo…Good thing he was in heaven since he wouldn't have to pay him. Haha, the joke was on Squalo. No but in all seriousness he was kind of dead. But why heaven?

A/N: Ahhaaaa so what'd you think? Great? Hilarious? Confusing? Retarded? All of the above? We think so too. Flames will be expected, but put out by Mukuro's awesomeness. Because….Well because he's just that awesome. R&R BITCHES.