10/03/2010 ~ Shinjiro Agaraki

I walked back to the dorm.

It wasn't been that long, but it did feel like eternity. Koro-chan was the only one to actually greet me and spend time with me. I guess nobody wants to time with a depressed asshole. Most of them don't even understand, I only told Aki.

Lonely long days doing nothing but waiting. Mitsuru never had any news. She just said that she kept sleeping and sleeping without end. All is fine with her so why doesn't she wakes up?

I miss her. I miss her so fucking much. I can't even describe how much. It's like my leg is missing.

Koro-chan sensed it and came to me often. He's a smart dog. He tries to cheer me up but putting his head on my leg and making soft signs. I know he understands me.

Ken got back pretty soon on that day.

"Hey, Ken."
"Shinjiro-san... Mitsuru-san is outside, she says she wants to talk to you."

"What does she wants?"
"She didn't tell me."

I got up and walked back outside, where Mitsuru waited for me near by some black car.

"Aragaki."
"Yes?"

"I have news."

She looked pleased with her self, smiling that confident smile of hers, so I guess she had good news. I hoped for good news, but she was waiting for me to ask and left me in a stupid anticipation that wasn't necessary. I'm here, just fucking tell me already!

"Arisato has woke up."
"Seriously?!"

"Yes."

I don't think anyone has ever seen me this happy. I couldn't hold my face in place, the mask fell as fast as she spoke. I knew my vision was getting blur, but I didn't care. She was wake again. I could speak to her, touch her, hold her. Minako was okay. All the pain left my chest. I felt almost free.

"Aragaki, are you crying?..."

I realized it and cleaned my face. Ken was looking at me too. No one else but Aki ever saw me crying. I had to keep my posture but it was impossible. Maybe this is how being a child truly feels like. The anxiousness, butterflies in my stomach trying to get out. It felt like an eternity and when I got there I was so nervous I was shaking and felt nausea. This is the worse best feeling ever.

Junpei and Aki came to me and asked me if I was okay and how I was feeling, seeing my state. Junpei actually pad me in the back and told me to do my best with Minako. I guess he isn't as much of an idiot as he makes himself to be.

"How do I look, Aki?"
"Like yourself."
"I guess that will do for her."
"Shinjiro-senpai, we must do a party once she's back!"

But not everyone was happy. Yukari glared at me. I could feel the cold in her eyes, seeing me unfit for Minako. The others cheered me on, even Aki who knew about my limited life, but she didn't. She just looked at me.

"You...
"Yuka-tan, what's up?"
"What's up Junpei is that this ass only made Minako suffer. If I'm not careful he'll do it again because that is his nature."

"C'mon, Yuka-tan."
"Takeba, show some respect. Of all of us Aragaki suffered the most."
"Suffered the most?! What about my suffering?! He gets to see her first after leaving her crying every night without knowing if he was going to survive or not! I don't have put up with this shit! Why didn't you died and spare her of the suffering of having to leave her again?!"

I was silent. I knew she was right. Sooner or later...

I turn away from them. Yukari see this as me running away and tries to turn me to her again, but Aki grabs her.

I feel that pain in my chest again with that sore pain in my neck. The happiness of her being awake was gone and back was the realization that I was going to die way before she did. I hated this feeling because it was fucking truth. I was going to die, leaving her alone God knows when. She would have to take care of me and all I want to to give her is the life she never had. The life we both never had.

Why, Yukari?... Why did you reminded me of this? I do understand her concern with Minako. She's worried about her friend, that she'll be unhappy because of me. I think about it too. Everyday of my life ever since I meet her, but I can't answer back to her accusations. They're all truth. They're all the truth. I got shot. I left her alone to save Ken. She saved my life and I only gave her despair and worry. Now that she woke up, I was only going to give her the same.

"Yukari, don't do this to him..."
"But Akihiko-senpai!"
"Yukari, you gotta understand... He only has me and Minako."

"So?! I only have Minako too!"

I could hear them and my mouth moved before I could do anything.

"I never saw my mother's face. Minako was the only woman who ever loved me."

I could feel their looks weighting on me. I never told them. Aki and Mitsuru knew, but the others didn't, not even Ken.

"I'm an orphan, Yukari. I have nothing else. The dorm is my home. You're my family."

She looked at me in surprise. Yukari didn't realize the weight of her words. Her eyes teared up and she realized what she had said and how much it affected me.

"Senpai... I didn't know."
"It's okay. All you've said is true."
"I'm sorry, Shinjiro-senpai... If I knew I wouldn't have said those things. I would have kept them to myself."
"You're right, tho. I'll leave her, but it's not like I don't suffer with it. Even tho I'm lookin' for a solution."

Yukari went silent and looked down.

"Look after her when I'm gone, will ya?"

She was so surprised she started crying.

"I'll, Senpai!"

She smiled between her cries and let me go see Minako first. It's funny how we came so quickly to an understanding about our feelings towards Minako. It made me smile sadly as I walked down the corridors of the hospital with Mitsuru.

She was gonna lead me to her. To the one I would soon leave due to my inability to quit. Each time I try not to take those pills my Persona gets out and tries to kill me and I'm forced to take them again. I know Minako would like me to quit them for good, but since she fell asleep it got worse. I guess my anxiousness made Castor unstable... If she didn't wake, I could only...

I gotta stop thinking about shit like this. She's awake now.

"Aragaki."

I look at Mitsuru with my usual pose and face, she doesn't seem to notice what's on my head.

"She might not remember everything."

She doesn't look at me directly. She's making those puppy eyes she makes when she has something to hide and has been caught doing so. She's perfectly aware of how much this information might hurt me but still makes those puppy eyes as if asking for forgiveness for something that's beyond her power.

"I see."

"Is that all you have to say?"
"What else do you want me to say, Mitsuru? Aki said you were told about this, that after you killed Nyx we would all forget what happened. By some deus ex machina bullshit you remember it all in the last day. She might have been affected by it too don't you think?"

"You have a point, Aragaki. Still she could remember it on that day."
"Who knows if she remembered it all?"

She sighed uncomfortably and kept looking away from me. Maybe I was stupid to think they hadn't notice what was going on between me and Minako, but she was stupid to think that Minako was immune to the effects of Nyx. She's not a machine, like Aigis.

"Well, her room is the 245. You should go alone and see her."
"Why?"
"Because I think it will be the best for her. Maybe she'll remember something."

"It doesn't make much sense to me, but sure."
"It doesn't has to make sense to you."
"It never does, does it Mitsuru?"

"I'm sorry, Aragaki. You had a stressful month and I'm asking you to go alone because she wanted to see you first and I think it will be the best for her."
"Alright. I get it. I'm gonna go then."

Mitsuru annoys the crap outta me. So self righteous she forgets that others think too. I don't hate her, she just annoys me with her small way to see the world. She forgets that we have different, if not more, experiences than her. Not saying she's a bad leader either, but there is a reason why Minako was better one. She understood us. She understood me, my fears and still wanted to be close to me. Even if she didn't understood everything she respected things. Mitsuru is busy inside her head she forget that we too have feelings.

I'm thinking about shit I shouldn't think about. It isn't Mitsuru's fault that she was raised like that or that I feel angry because Minako might not remember me or what we been through. My head is venting on her because she's the best target right now.

It's nobody's fault, not mine or Minako's, so why do I keep feeling like I'm the one to blame? Like I should have been there to help her? Aki said they couldn't move to stop her, but still I feel like I should have been there... Is she angry because I tried to save Ken? I hope not... I'm scared of what she might think of me.

I got to the door. My mouth got dry and my hands wouldn't move, but I had to go in anyway. She had asked to see me.

I almost lost my breath when I opened the door. She was there. Her hair down, laying in bed. She heard me and looked at me. Her eyes... So red... I didn't even realized how much I missed them.

"Shinjiro-senpai!"

My heart hurt. She called me senpai. Not Shinjiro. Not Shinji. Did she forgot?

"Are you okay? You look a little pale."

"I'm fine as long as you're, Minako."
"I wanted to see you. I'm not sure why, but I wanted to see you. I have this feeling inside me I can't explain quite well. I like you, I like you a lot. I'm not sure why, though..."

She pauses, I can see her hands holding on the sheets. She's just as nervous as me if not more. I look to the side a bit. I don't know very well what to say.

"There is a lot I don't remember quite well. I remember you. From my dreams and my memories... It's all so distant now. The doctors say not to worry, it's normal, but I do worry for you. Could you sit near me, Shinjiro-senpai?"

She looks at me kindly. That look... It melts my heart.

"There is so much I want to tell you and I can't find the words..."
"Tell me everything, Minako. You know that I like to hear you."

She giggled like before. It was good hearing her laugh like that.

"I remember that much but..."

I sat in a chair nearby her bed and wait for her to tell me what she wants to tell me. I just look at her. It should hurt me to know that she couldn't remember everything, but her smiles, her laugh, she made me happy. Happy to be there, happy to be able to listen to her and fall in love with her once again.

"Yes?"
"I can't explain this feeling I have for you, and it hurts. I can't remember why. I can remember your cooking and the ice cream and walking Koromaru, but the rest...! Why can't I describe it?! Tell me, Senpai!"

"I'm sure it's nothing."

"Senpai... I want to remember."
"Don't force it, alright? It all come back to you in time."

I didn't believe in what I just said. She could never remember and the fact that I was there could ruin her life. I was infamous and she was popular in school. I'm still no good for her. Maybe, I should just ignore my feelings and correct this mistake. Falling in love with her was a mistake. I love this mistake to death, but it's still something I could correct now.

I love you, Minako, but I don't think I'm any good for you. I never was, anyway. If you one day remember, I hope you can forgive me. I did it all because I love you.

"Senpai, could you come again tomorrow?"
"Why do you want me here, Minako? I'm no good for you."
"But it feels good having you around. I feel safe."

We're back to the same shit. It does makes me happy to know you still feel the same, but it hurts so much inside... I swear my heart could jump off my mouth. I don't want to go back to this idiocy, but I don't want to ruin you either.

"There is so much I want to remember about you. I remember you being so kind and gentle... I want to remember more."

"C'mon, Minako, don't say that shit."

She giggles again and it pain vanishes as if it was nothing. Her laugh is like my remedy. Yeah, something cheesy like that feels nice.

"You're blushing, Senpai."
"Y-yeah... I should go now."
"Senpai."
"Hm?"
"Cook something for me."
"What do you want?"
"A cake would be nice... I miss eating something sweet."
"Alright. I'll bring ya something."

Without noticing it pop the bottle open and take a pill. It has become a bad habit. When I'm nervous I just put one of those pills under my tongue and Castor will stay in his place.

"Senpai... Are you sick?"

Shit! She noticed!

"Just a bit, Minako, don't worry."

She holds my hand, where the the bottle and it falls all over the room.

I look away slightly. I feel ashamed for doing this in front of her, but I don't want to her hurt her either. I love her too much to let my Persona hurt her in any way.

"I want you to quit it."
"How do you..."
"Akihiko-senpai told me."

"When?"
"I don't remember when. But he did. He said it was good for me to know. He said you went berserk and that's the only to stop you, but it's also killing you slowly... I want you to quit it, Senpai!"

"Do you realize what you're asking, Minako?"

She looks away.

As I thought, she doesn't realize what's she's asking. She's asking me to die in a different way. There is no escape from fate. The watch might have saved me form getting shot, but it isn't going to save me from my Persona or from the side effects of the Persona suppressants. There is nothing anyone can do. Nothing.

"I..."

Her voice is faint and it starts breaking. I didn't want this to happen just after she woke up...

"Don't cry. You look better when you smile."
"How am I going to smile if you're not there?"

Those words hit me like a train. I froze and felt out of breath. She has a point, one that I wouldn't like to admit, but a very valid one. If I'm gone her smile will be faint. I felt my heart breaking with her words. The sound of her faint cry made me so angry... It was all my fault. If I didn't want to do everything alone, this wouldn't have happened. Maybe I would have never meet her but maybe she would have been happier.

"I'll be watching over you."
"Why do you lie like this? I know you know why I feel this way, I know you're going to die and yet you keep lying about everything."

"I... I didn't want you to get close to me. I knew this was gonna happen, that's why I pushed you away. But you kept comin' back and I couldn't help it... You don't have to forgive me, Minako. I know that it's all my fault."

She goes silent for a little before saying anything else.

"I remember you..."
"You always did."

"Not like that. I remember this feeling. I like you don't I?"
"You said it before."
"Don't runaway. You know what I mean."

She looks at me trying hard to keep the tears from falling from her eyes. I smile faintly and clean the ones that have fallen with my hands. She holds them. I know what she means by this. She wants me to stay, even though she knows I can't. She's such a pure girl. Her thoughts and feelings are always for the best, even in the worse situations.

"Y-you... ...remember us?..."

"That's why I said that before. I was confused when I said it, but it felt so right. When you said all those things about pushing me away and it being your fault I remembered. I don't want to lose you again."

I just let her hold my hands for as long as she desires and promise her I'll come back tomorrow. My feelings may be true, but they'll never be as true and honest as hers. She may not remember it well, but I know that her feelings remain the same and that she'll always remember me fondly.

I'm not afraid, but I want to stay a little longer with her just like that.

I can't wait until she's back home.