Title: A Day in the Life of Edward Cullen
Author: Chackers
Pairings: Edward/Bella (tiny, tiny bit of Edward/Jacob)
Disclaimer: The Twilight series does not belong to me.
Author's Note: My friend was like, I dare you to write an American Psycho and Twilight crossover. So… Yeah. Because I was bored and the night is long.
~**~
In the early light of dawn I wake up. I always wake up because the sunlight from the gap in the curtains fall upon my skin to give it a slight ethereal shimmer, just so that it highlights and complements my skin tone, which I have been told by various sources is either a M.A.C NC5 or NW5, not that I use cosmetics that is, my complexion is as flawless as it is.
First, I use a peppermint exfoliating gel scrub and Vidal Sassoon shampoo on my hair. It is especially good at getting rid of perspiration and dirt which can weigh down hair and flatten it to the scalp, which is an absolute disaster. I then, get out of the shower, dry myself and slather on a moisturizer. Almost always Clinique, because they cater to sensitive vampire skin. I look into the mirror, and have to squint a little to see myself, because the sparkles are so bright that they resemble lens flares. Wait… hold on… is that, a pimple?
I drop the towel around my waist. Time seem to slow down and distort. WHY? The pain and anguish, why do I have to be a teenager forever? My life is a boat of pain and anguish sailing down the stream of pain and anguish.
I calm myself. This was no time to panic. Pull yourself together, you are a fucking debonair vampire! Fangirls throw underwear at your head, Mormon housewives fantasize about you and you are immortalized in fiction!
I isolate the pimple and subject it to toothpaste, it forms a pale white crust. I then use a blemish concealer (also Clinique). Finally, I highlight my cheekbones with shimmer and hope that people would be blinded by the general reflective qualities of my face and neglect to see the pimple.
My general appearance is satisfactory, I shall now proceed to school. I run down the street at superhuman speed because I can.
I'm in school, I go to all the lessons I have been to a million times since the nineteenth century just for kicks. Because immortality can be so boring. Hence, I plan to sue Anne Rice for misrepresentation. I mean, none, of the vampires I met are remotely gay.
I was distracted by Jacob Black's six packs during class again. If only I could have a chest like that.
Anyway, there was this new kid in school. She smelled the way a cheeseburger would smell to a human. Cute too. I keep having fantasies about whether she would go with raccoon, or maybe vintage mice.
For some reason, I could not read her thoughts, which is probably a good thing. Less guilt when I suck her dry like a giant sparkly mosquito.
~**~
Author's Note: Liked it, hated it? Please review!