OK so a friend (Fran-Marie-Cullen-1918) and me came up with the idea to do something funny for you guys. And we came up with… JASPER'S DIARY! Hope you enjoy it!
Oh and I do not own any of the Twilight characters. I wish! No, they belong to Stephenie Meyer. I just made them speak my language (madness mwahahahah).
Dear Diary, today Esme cleaned her windows. You can barely see them now! And I have a plan…
***
I entered the room and found Esme looking like she was wiping the air with a rag.
"Wotcha doooooin'?" I asked in my singsong voice.
"Cleeeaning my wiiiindows." Esme sang back at me.
"No way dudette! There are no windows there." And I proved my point by walking towards her and banging my head on the window leaving a tiny smudge where the skin had touched it.
"NO!" Esme yelled and began hysterically trying to clean the mark off the window. A window had beaten me? No! King Jazz-Hands is not supposed to fall until 2012 along with the rest of the world! "Why is it not coming off?" She yelled in frustration.
"Because I have the magical abilities to create indestructible smudge marks." I said grinning from ear to ear. Literally.
"Or, you know," Alice said upon entering the room, "YOU'RE CLEANING THE WRONG SIDE!" I frowned. She had totally just peed on my rainbow.
"Oh! Of course!" And she went to walk around the glass to clean my smudge off but walked into it herself. "NO!" She fumbled with her rag and new cleaning liquid. "NO!" She screamed again, "I'm out of Windolene!" Esme dropped her rag and the empty bottle and ran for the forest.
Alice walked across the room and picked up Esme's bag and went to the door. Not a minute later did Esme come back, snatched the bag out of Alice's hand, paused to slap her head, and ran off into the forest again.
"You're plan's not going to work, you know, Jasper." Alice said once Esme was out of sight.
I sighed. How many times? "It's King Jazz-Hands Alice! You ought to know that by now!"
"Whatever." She dismissed my complaint with a wave of her hand. "I just thought you'd like to know it wouldn't work."
"How do you even know I was…oh right. You're – " I made air quotations " – psychic." Hold on, so she puts on a long purple sparkly gown, finds a crystal ball and a round table, puts up some scented candles and all of a sudden she's 'psychic'. Yeah, and I went to the museum yesterday and now I'm a dinosaur. Grr.
I would make a good dinosaur… maybe I could be purple… and green, but not ugly and weird like that talking dinosaur… Barney or whatever his name is. Dinosaurs are supposed to be scary and all that dude does is sing!
Five minutes laterI think I'd rather be a T-Rex and have teensy little arms and if any one makes fun of me I'll… tickle them. Maybe I could chase Scooby Doo up a mountain whilst they're searching for Scooby Snacks. The Zebra God knows I love that movie. It's the best…
"Jasper!"
"Huh?"
"Have you even taken in a word I've just said?" The little pixie yelled.
"Yessums?"
"No you haven't!" She screamed and stalked out of the room.
Who was she to know that my plan would not work? Of course it would!
It was my plan!
Using my vampire super special hearing, I could hear tyres pulling into the garage and two sets of feet making their way towards the house. Edward was home… with Bella. I grinned evilly. My mastermind plan was about to begin.Keep your mind closed, young Jedi, and Edward won't suspect a thing. May the force be with you. I mentally bowed to my master Yoda.
Edward and Bella made their way into the house and sat on the sofa. They really had no idea! Alice didn't know what she was talking about.
I silently made my way around the glass window trying my hardest not to bump into it. I stood on the other side of the glass and started to tease Bella.
"Hey Bella?"
"Yes?" She answered.
"Does it ever feel sad knowing that even though Edward loves you, he's not gonna change you into a vampire and let you live with him forever?"
Her face fell into a frown and her eyes started to leak water. She needed to get those pipes fixed.
"Jasper!" Edward growled warningly, draping an arm around Bella.
"Whatever dude. You do know this makes you the meanest person in the world, right? I mean, you're taking the one thing she wants away from her, and you want it too but you're not going to – "
I broke off because he started charging at me. I put on my dramatic horror-struck face I had been practicing at school (hand covering the mouth and everything) and…
He ran into the window making it smash into a million, billion, zillion pieces.
"Jasper! This is your fault!" Edward growled at me, not taking his eyes off the glass shards.
"Is not! You're the one that broke the glass! Not me!"
"Your fault!"
"Not!"
"Your fault!"
"Not!"
Ten minutes and a tumbleweed later"Your fault!"
"Not!"
"BOYS!" Some one yelled. We looked simultaneously (wow big word for King Jazz-Hands!) at the door and saw Esme looking horror stricken and, well, basically, if she could she probably would have killed herself. "WHO DID THIS?" She roared.
"He did!" Both Edward and me said at the same time. "Me? Did not!"
"ENOUGH!" Esme had run to the broken glass window and started to fake cry. "Both of you are grounded! You're both going to pay for the window to be replaced! And you're both going to clean it when it's fixed!"
Edward and me made identical masks of horror.
"But mommy! You can't ground me! I have plans to watch Bella sleep tonight!" Edward moaned.
"Yeah! And I have – "
"I DON'T CARE!"
Alice entered the room, "I told you it wasn't going to work." She said smugly.
***
Which incidentally didn't turn out as planned. Dammit.
Love you lots,
King Jazz-Hands
What did you think? Good? Bad? Let me know! I have more ideas so if you like this I will update more for you ;) Review please :D