Title: Truth hurts
Author: FactVsFiction
Pairing: Shunsui/Nanao
Rating: K+
Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo. "Broken Strings" is copyright James Morrison and Nelly Furtado.
A/N: Okay so I sat down to write a valentines fic yesterday morning but to be totally honest I really can't stand the day personally and couldn't bring myself to write anything fluffy. I was alternating between two songs as I wrote so I scrapped the fluff and decided to write a song fic instead. Unfortunately one of the songs was in the Irish language so nobody would understand it. The other happened to be the darker one so now instead of fluff you're getting serious angst. You have been warned. If you're still up for reading I recommend listening to the song at the same time.
OoOoOoOoOoOo
Truth Hurts
Let me hold you For the last time It's the last chance to feel again But you broke me Now I can't feel anything
Shunsui stood silently in the doorway just watching her. Nanao looked up slowly from her paperwork, the flickering light of the candle she worked by played shadows across her smooth ivory skin. It only served to highlight that look in her eyes, that pure dread that made Shunsui's heart settle painfully in his throat. The soft candlelight reflected on the surface of her eyes, glassy with tears. Nanao Ise was by no means stupid. She knew what was coming, Shunsui could see the resignation in her gaze.
When I love you, It's so untrue I can't even convince myself When I'm speaking, It's the voice of someone else
Oh gods it hurt so much. Seven years, seven… Seven blissfully happy years.
Shunsui wasn't even certain when it had happened, when it had all fallen to pieces, only that it had… Over the course of one nights sleep he'd gone from blissfully happy to trapped. When those rays of light woke him that morning… Damnit! One didn't just go from love to indifference over the course of one uneventful night, it just didn't happen… But it had.
He hadn't believed it then, and he still wasn't sure he did now, standing in that doorway and looking at her. His beautiful Nanao-chan…
So he told her he loved her, he told her everyday just like he had since she became his fukutaichou over one hundred and twenty years ago. But gods it felt like the voice of a stranger. He found himself unable to attach the words to his emotions and this stranger's voice was hollow even to his own ears.
Oh it tears me up I try to hold on, but it hurts too much I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay
It tore him to shreds and left him in ribbons on the floor. Each empty exclamation of love was a new cut. He couldn't give up, he just couldn't… He held on tight but their relationship seemed to slip through his fingers like water in cupped hands.
This was not Nanao's fault. She'd done nothing to deserve this, nothing at all and eventually he began to see the selfishness in holding on to hope… In holding on to her. She deserved to be loved, to be loved by somebody who wouldn't wake up one morning without feeling. Nanao's eyes always were her most expressive feature and it hurt her, he could see it, each empty I love you like a physical blow to her. He couldn't do this to her anymore. He had to let go.
You can't play on broken strings You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel I can't tell you something that ain't real
Oh the truth hurts And lies worse How can I give anymore When I love you a little less than before
Lying to her was far worse than telling her a truth she already knew, by withholding verbal acknowledgement of the truth he was holding her back, tying her to him. He knew she'd never leave him, not on her own, this was his decision and he hated it.
Shunsui was a selfish man. He must be to mistreat her so. But he was certain, oh so certain that somewhere, somewhere within him he still loved her as deeply as he had for the past seven years. Truth be told the captain couldn't connect emotion with anything these days, not just Nanao… all his relationships were suffering as was his work... He was terrified, absolutely petrified that the moment he let her go everything would return to normal. That he would love again…
Oh what are we doing We are turning into dust Playing house in the ruins of us
Nanao wasn't surprised to see him in the office doorway, not really. All Shunsui had to do was meet her eyes. Logically she knew this had been coming for a long time and that she shouldn't be surprised but as she gazed into those dark mournful eyes she just couldn't connect logic with the situation and her own eyes filled with tears.
She wanted to hate him. She wanted to yell and scream and hit him with kidou until he was half dead. That was what she wanted to do, but she couldn't because try as she might to think otherwise this wasn't his fault.
Nanao knew Shunsui Kyoraku better than anyone in the world. He wasn't chasing skirts, he wasn't bored and they weren't fighting. He'd just… Fallen out of love with her. She'd seen the desperation in his eyes for the past three months. This wasn't what he wanted, not at all, and he'd tried, she'd allowed him that, and she could honestly say that she would continue allowing that for as long as he needed to realise that this wasn't something he could fix…
Running back through the fire When there's nothing left to save It's like chasing the very last train when it's too late
Nanao was resigned. She'd tried to separate herself as she watched their relationship crumble around them. She refused to grasp at air… for her own self preservation. If she allowed for hope she allowed for even more hurt and pain. Her logical mind had told her that, it had also told her that she was dooming them all the further by distancing herself but she couldn't bring herself to allow that pain. Nanao saw no point in chasing something that was out of her reach but it didn't stop the hurt.
Oh it tears me up I try to hold on, but it hurts too much I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay
And she was hurt. She was incredibly hurt. She lost count of the number of nights she'd cried herself to sleep in the past three months. Nanao wasn't prepared for so much suffering, she'd never allowed anybody into her heart before Shunsui and had been taken completely off guard. Her captain had had his own personal space in her heart long before they ever got together, simply as her taichou and though a large chunk had been ripped out a certain amount still remained. Nanao wasn't sure how but she knew that it was never going to be gone. In some ways she wished Shunsui would just tear that out too. So that she could be as furious as she so wanted. She knew her heart would heal with a lot less scar tissue if only that spot were void. He'd never do it though. Never tear that piece out because somewhere in him that piece of her still survived too…
You can't play on broken strings You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel I can't tell something that ain't real
They couldn't keep ignoring this. It just wasn't an option anymore and it seemed that finally, finally they were once again on the same page. Nanao waited, this wasn't something she could do for him and he knew that. She watched him desperately try to steady himself now in the doorway to the office that they'd shared for more than one hundred and twenty years, that they would wake up tomorrow and still share, just as separate people.
Well the truth hurts, And lies worse How can I give anymore When I love you a little less than before
Nanao momentarily entertained the idea that she'd never be able to work in this room again but discarded it as illogical. She wouldn't transfer, she was no coward and the eighth division was her family. When she was feeling particularly vindictive she'd tell herself she was staying because he deserved to see it, to see how much he hurt her and suffer for it. But Nanao was not an expressive woman, she knew that true to her nature she'd burry the hurt underneath the surface and get on with her life. No, she was staying to punish herself, and because she was too weak to let him go completely.
Nanao was under no illusions. She loved the man standing in front of her, his faults and all. She was certain she always would to an extent, of course it would fade over time and maybe if she was lucky she'd love him a little less than before, but it would always be there. She didn't allow for thoughts that said the same thing that happened Shunsui could happen her too, that one day she'd just wake up fixed. Life was just not that fair and one of them had to suffer the full brunt of this break up. When hearts break they don't break evenly…
But we're running through the fire When there's nothing left to save It's like chasing the very last train When we both know it's too late (too late)
"Nanao-chan." He whispered. His eyes pleaded with her, for understanding, for forgiveness, for a solution she didn't have. "I'm so sorry." He whispered brokenly.
Nanao pursed her lips tight and just nodded. Shunsui's already broken heart shattered at the movement and he saw her lips tremble and turn down, a sure sign that she was holding back tears forcefully.
"Nanao-chan…"
"I-I'm okay." She managed, raising a hand shakily. "I-I knew…"
You can't play on broken strings You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel I cant tell you something that ain't real
Well truth hurts, And lies worse How can I give anymore When I love you a little less than before
"Nanao-chan." His voice broke and he felt the warm tears spill down his cheeks.
He just had to cry, stressing Nanao's already shaky control. 'He'd always been the first to cry.' She thought hollowly.
Nanao rose from behind her desk and approached him, looping her arms around him without a word, allowing him to cry into her shoulder. "I forgive you."
Her maturity shocked them both to the core and with a jolt she realised that she wasn't lying… She did forgive him.
They'd never be the same again. They knew that, they accepted that. Someone once said that if you love somebody you set them free. Unknown to each other they both applied that to their current situation.
Right now though, with him so warm and real in her arms. So connected for the first time in months Nanao gave up analysing and just allowed herself that last moment…
Let me hold you for the last time It's the last chance to feel again
A/N: Well that was depressing to write. I can't believe I actually wrote a fic to break them up... T_T. I'd consider it bitter sweet though as opposed to downright sad.
What do you think?
Slán go foill
Becca