Saying Goodbye
The storm is brewing outside. Howling, almost in pain. I guess that's how I feel. Matching the weather. Dark, angry, devastated. Especially devastated. I am completely and utterly broken. Because you're gone. Dead. Why did it happen? You shouldn't have been there!
I'm here in the flat we bought together only 5 months ago. We only just got started, we had so much ahead of us. I know that is my fault, we were finally getting going and I left you. No goodbye. Just went. But I came back, I would always come back to you. I needed to go, you have to understand; I needed answers. I needed to know why I am like this. Not that I got my answers. But what happened to me in that time gave me a new perspective on life. On love.
You completely got me. Understood and accepted that I was different to you. The others didn't. They were always asking , demanding to know why I was so closed off. You, you never asked. Just comforted me, was there for me.
You know your clothes still smell like you. I'm sitting here, in our bedroom. Huddled on the bed, wearing your favourite hoodie. You know the one? The dark red one that completely drowned your body. You always looked so young when you wore it. You know I often forgot that. How young you were I mean. You had so much wisdom for someone so young. Seen so much pain and destruction.
Everything hurts all the time. My heart is heavy in my chest; every time I close my eyes or try to sleep I can see your face; your gorgeous blue eyes and your soft, kind smile.
I knew for a long time you still thought I slept around and that you came second best to her. You never did. Ever. You were never far from my thoughts, even when I was in the most dangerous of situations. I never felt that way about her. I don't love her, I love the normality in her life. After work she can go home to her husband and think about starting a family. We could never have that.
Should really have seen it coming shouldn't I. With our jobs, the life expectancy is only 30. Well except for me, but that's different. You know I sometimes wish for it to end, for me to stay dead so I don't have to come back to all the pain and the loneliness. When I was in that coma you told me that you spoke to me. When I said I didn't hear you, I was lying. I heard every single word you said. All I wanted to do was to wake up, right there and then and hold you; and never let go. I wanted to tell you that when you saw me dreaming I wasn't dreaming of my past or places I could be. I wanted to tell you that I was dreaming of you and all the magical places I could take you.
You put up with so much rubbish from me. I know I am an outrageous flirt. I flirt with everyone I see, be them male or female, young or old, or even human. You never said anything about it; the others all wondered why you did it. They asked you and you just shrugged your shoulders and said "I know its me he'll always come home to". I'm glad you knew that, because I always would.
So like I said, here I am in our bedroom, wearing your jumper and I'm writing all this down in a journal. I know you kept a diary. I read it once you know. You would kill me if you found that out. You were such a private person. It broke my heart to read it, to know you still felt so lost and guilty. To know you still felt used and ridiculed by the rest of the team. But do you know what hurt the most? What hurt the most was that you thought I was using you and that you were just keeping my bed warm, 'a part-time shag'. You wrote you didn't care, as long as you felt loved and wanted, you didn't mind. I read it over and over in my mind trying to think of why you would think that. Then I realised, I was such an idiot. I never gave you any reason to think otherwise. Oh my god, I am so stupid. Why did you stay with me? I never deserved you; you deserved so much better.
I wish I could turn back time and stop you from coming with me. Stop you from dying. Seeing you drift away, seeing the life slowly leave your body is an image that will forever be engraved in my mind; my heart. It will haunt me for eternity. You dying in my arms is something I will never forget. I tried to give you the kiss of life, but it was too late. I was too late. As I held you, you told me you loved me and I replied "don't". Why did I say that? I think it's because you loved me and I didn't deserve it. You asked me never to forget you? How could I forget such a loving, remarkable person?
I have lived so many lives. I was really starting to like this one. I can't stay here; the pain of losing you is too strong. It's time to move on. Time to grieve and be alone again. I was so afraid. So afraid to let you in. to let someone touch my heart in such a way you did. I have lost so many people. Everyone I love dies; leaves me behind. Alone. I never told you…..I was so in love with you. I still am. It took so much to admit that to myself. I am so sorry but I would never be able to say it to your face. Who knew three words could be so difficult to say. How can "I love you" be impossible to utter?
But I owe that to you Ianto Jones. To say it at least once. So here goes…. I love you so much, more that anyone I have ever loved before and more than I will ever love anyone else. So to you my soul mate, my one true love, I say goodbye for one final time. You will always be in my heart.