I Skipped Lunch
Disclaimer: I do not now, nor have I ever owned the rights to Stargate SG-1.
Warnings: May trigger, strong aspects of Eating Disorders. Rating R for a reason.
I Skipped Lunch
By MarthaMars
Daniel's POV:
"Face it, Jack, you lost!" I walked slightly ahead of my friend and confidant, Colonel Jack O'Neill.
"I DID NOT LOSE!"
"Yes, Jack. Yes, you did."
"What seems to be the problem, Daniel Jackson?" Teal'c our alien friend asked as we rounded a corner.
"Jack's mad 'cause I beat him in a wrestling match for once. His ego's been badly damaged." I say with a slight snigger to my tone.
"I see. Is this true, Colonel O'Neill?"
"No, it's not true, Teal'c. Daniel and I were wrestling in the gym and I was winning when this big oaf trips and pulls me down with him. Due to some freak accident he somehow managed to land on top of me and bruised one of my ribs. Not my ego, but my ribs!"
"Jack, it was NOT an accident. I tackled you, you went down. It's as simple as that. If it had been just a fall then you would have been able to flip me…and I did NOT bruise one of your ribs."
"Yes, you did, which is why I'm going to subject myself to Janet. After we eat lunch of course. Teal'c, you'll join us, won't you?" Jack said looking at Teal'c. He turned back to me to continue the argument, "I WOULD have been able to flip you, yes, but you've bulked up so much recently, I couldn't deal with the extra weight on my poor ribs. You see where I'm going with this…you need to be fit for missions, Daniel, not…" He continued looking at me now.
"Whatever, Jack. What do you think, Teal'c?"
"I think that if Colonel O'Neill's ribs are indeed bruised, then he is in part right."
"Thank-you!" exclaims Jack.
"Fine, whatever. I'll see you both later. There's a briefing at 16:00."
I walk off leaving two confused men behind me.
***
'The nerve of them! How could they say that? Jack's ALWAYS saying I need to bulk up more for missions and now he has the nerve the say I've done TOO much! It's just not right. And Teal'c…well, I don't know anyone more built than he is. So what if I've put on a few pounds. I don't care. I'm still fit for missions. Jack was only being a sore loser. Wasn't he?'
My thoughts trailed off as I walked into my office. Old thoughts and fears were creeping back into my mind though, no matter how hard I tried to ignore Jack's earlier comments. I couldn't let myself return to that state again. Still, Jack's comment are whispering to a part of my brain that I had long since locked away. Taunting it, slowly drawing it back into my conscious mind. Jack's one comment had unknowingly set off a series of events which would change my life forever.
I skipped lunch.
***
I left Jack and Teal'c heading towards the mess hall and went to get a shower. I was sweaty and smelled. Fighting Jack had really taken a lot out of me. How dare he take my victory from me.
'But did he?' I can't help but think to myself. After all, what if he's right? What if it was just my weight that…NO, STOP! I can't think like that. I won't let myself think that way.
Quickly I shower and get dressed in my BDU's. I refuse to look in the mirror.
When I enter my office, I do something very unusual. I lock the door. I don't want anyone disturbing me right now. I've got to concentrate on the briefing at four. It's important. I need to be completely prepared.
So then why is it I haven't moved from the spot in front of my door? I should move, I need to move, but I can't get Jack's voice out of my head. Worse than that, I can't stop my mind from remembering. The pain, the hunger, the satisfaction at seeing the scale drop another pound.
I shake my head and finally sit at my desk, pulling my books towards me. I just need to focus. I can do that. Focus, it's easy. What happened was a long time ago. I'm over it…I'm better…I've got to be…right?
***
I walked into the briefing room just a few minutes late. Everyone was already seated.
"Sorry. I was just finishing up a translation for the briefing." I tell them.
"Not a problem, Dr. Jackson. Now who'd like to start?" asked General Hammond.
"I will, Sir." said Samantha Carter, Major in the Air Force and scientist extraordinaire.
"Basically we've sent the MALP through to a planet we've designated P42 986. The feedback we've got so far seems to be positive. Oxygen levels are normal, weather conditions seem to be fairly consistent and no sightings of any Goa'uld. However, the MALP did pick up several walls of alien script."
"Which was the reason I was late." I cut in. Well, I'm hardly going to admit I was late because I was half way to a panic attack, am I?
"The script was actually a variation of Goa'uld with Romanian undertones. Now this seems to be the first evidence to suggest that the Goa'uld reached main land Europe. However, from what I've translated so far, the Goa'uld shouldn't be a problem on this planet." I say.
"Why not?" asks Jack.
"Well…" I push my glasses up on my nose. "…you see these writing seem to be stories. This one…" I say as I pull out sheets and pass them around, "…is about how the ancient people of P42 986 rose up and fought their God's armies, eventually driving them out. It also says how they destroyed the mother ship, with what they call a mystical power device. If you look carefully, you'll actually see a fade picture of what looks to be…"
"A ZPM?"
"Exactly, Sam. They continue to say how only a few in their number could work the technologies associated with it." I tell them.
"Dr. Jackson, you think these people might contain the same gene that Colonel O'Neill has?" asks General Hammond.
"Yes. It stands to reason that earth was not the only planet the Ancients colonized. Even if we are the Tau'ri."
"Very well, I'll authorize a general recon mission for tomorrow. You leave at 08:00." General Hammond said leaving the briefing room.
"You think these writings will help us, Daniel?" asks Sam.
"I don't know. I don't think that we'll find any natives though. However, I think having a clearer look at these writings will give us a chance to find another means of fighting the Goa'uld."
"Well that's just peachy. Now, can you two stop babbling long enough to let me and Teal'c leave?" Jack asks. We hadn't realized we'd stopped to talk in front of the door to the briefing room.
"Sorry, Sir."
"Sorry, Jack." we answer near simultaneously.
***
Holding a cup of coffee I stood outside on my balcony. It was a beautiful night and I wanted to see the stars. My stomach ruined the moment however, when it growled loudly. Its complaint like needles through my gut. I was hungry. I turned back into my apartment and decided, because I'd skipped lunch, I'd make some pasta. I bought a new sauce last week that I wanted to try. Now was as good a time as any.
I filled a pot with water and let it boil. While I waited for the water, I went into my living room and tided up the clutter a little bit. There were books everywhere. Not usually a problem, but tonight my hands itched to do something. When the room was a little more presentable, I went back into the kitchen and put the pasta into the pot of boiling water. Waiting a few minutes, I put the sauce into another pot and began to heat it. Fifteen minutes later I was sitting on my couch with my meal resting on my lap. I put a fork full up to my mouth and took a bite. It was nice. Very nice actually.
I enjoyed my meal and relaxed for the evening. I was right, Jack was wrong. I could do this. I was stronger than this. So, I had a bit of a set-back. I can live with that. I got through it on my own even. I can do this just fine. I'm not fat, I don't weigh too much. Jack's just a sore loser.
I'm good. I'll be fine. With that, I decided to read my books for a while longer, making sure I was completely positive in my knowledge on the off-world site. It was good to lose myself in my books. I need that. I needed to remember just how far I've come and just how much I've succeeded. I've come a long way from the skinny teenager who refused to eat.
***
'Where am I?'
I think to myself. I'm cold, so cold. I can feel covers over me though. I'm in bed then. I try to sit up but my arm stretches painfully.
'What is that?'
I turn my head and notice a tube coming out of my hand. My head is fussy. I'm not sure what's going on. I try to sit up again, this time minding the various tubes leaving positions around my body. My head clears a little and I realize I'm in hospital.
'What happened?'
I don't remember how I got here, or even why I'm here. Why am I stuck full of tubes? I look over at the drips and notice two bags. One clear, its glucose. The other is yellow. I don't know what that is. But then I realize. There is a tube in my nose. It's food. The yellow bag is food. They're forcing me to eat!
Coughing, I try to pull the tube out.
'God, that hurts!' I think.
I keep coughing and try to breathe through my mouth. I eventually get the tube out. It's disgusting. I drop the tube off the side of the bed and get to work on the tube in my wrist. That one's a lot easier. I just pull out the needle. That's when I realize I've one more tube in me.
I want to get up and leave. I want to run. I can't though. They have a tube in the one place I NEVER want to damage. I've got a catheter! I flop back onto the pillows behind me. There is no way I'll be able to remove that myself.
Just then the door on my room opens and a nurse walks in. She has a smile on her face until she sees the removed tubes.
"Daniel! You shouldn't have done that. Those tubes are there to help you. I'll go get fresh replacements." She turns and leaves the room.
I'm left waiting, feeling very uncomfortable. I hate this. I want to get out. I don't want to be force fed. I've made my choice.
Before I know it, there are three nurses in the room. They're all over me. Settling me back on the bed. Checking my blood pressure, my temperature.
"What's going on?" I finally ask. "How did I get here? Who are you? Let me go!" I demand.
I'm getting agitated now. I'm trying to get them away from me. They're touching me everywhere. Talking at me but not really saying anything of importance. They're trying to calm me down. It doesn't work very well.
"Daniel, we have to put the feeding tube back in, can you just stay still for a few minutes? If not we'll have to restrain you." The first nurse I saw before says. I struggle harder.
"NO! NO! I DON'T WANT YOUR STINKING TUBE. GET AWAY! NO! NOOOO!" I'm screaming at them. Struggling. They haven't told me anything. I don't know what's going on. I don't want the damn feeding tube. I keep fighting them.
"Get something to restrain him with!" One nurse says and another leaves.
Now that there's only two of them and I fight harder than before. Leaning off the bed, daring them to come closer. My hands are up in front of me. I'm batting away their attempts at getting to me. I'm shaking, both with fear and exhaustion. I knock the tray with the new tube pieces onto the floor and the noise is defining. I'm still fighting, but I'm tiring.
"LEAVE ME ALONE! GO AWAY! NO! NO! NO! GET AWAY!" I keep shouting until I feeling a sharp sting. I don't know what they did, but all of my remaining energy just leaves me. The world starts to go black around the edges.
"No…no…please…leave…alone…ple…"
I wake up with a start.
I haven't dreamt about that day in a long time. Shaking, I get out of bed and make my way out to the balcony. I need the cold. I need a tangible reason for feeling so cold. A reason to explain away the shivering.
I rest my head in my hands as I look across the city. That was the day I woke up in the hospital. A few days before I'd been rushed there. I was purging and instead of food or bile, I threw up blood. I was fucked. I passed out. I later learned they couldn't wake me up. I was out for three days.
That bloody nurse though, I hated her. She sedated me twice more after that event. Trigger happy doesn't even cover it. I really hated her. I hated that place. I was there for months before I was moved somewhere else. I was so confused and disorientated that day, that feeding tube, the bloody catheter. Though, I've had several of them since starting at the SGC. They don't get any nicer with time though. In fact, I think they get worse.
The sky is starting to brighten. I went back inside and start reading my books again. I won't be able to sleep tonight.
***
I walked into the Gate room geared up and ready to go. I was looking forward to translating the writings we had seen. It wasn't often I got to just translate something without rushing or looking over my shoulder the entire time. Obviously I wouldn't be able to work quite as carefully as I should, but then beggars can't be choosers.
"SG-1, you have a go." said General Hammond over the intercom.
Looking up at the large circle in front of me, the four of us took the firsts steps up the ramp in time together. We entered the stargate and exited on P42 986.
The walls were made of stone easily 7 or 8 inches thick. The script chiseled into them. Immediately I set off to the closest wall.
"Ack!" Jack held up a finger and waggled it.
"You know the drill, Daniel. Secure the area first, play later."
I huff a bit but wait for Jack and Teal'c to confirm that there is no imitate danger present. I look expectedly at Jack.
"Fine, go play."
I smile and go straight to the wall I'd seen earlier. I took dozens of pictures. Made multiple charcoal pressings and several immediate translations. It was a good days work.
"Sir, we're setting up camp now. It's starting to get dark. Maybe you and Daniel should return…"
"Yeah okay, Major. We'll be right there. Daniel…Daniel…"
I look up and see Jack calling me.
"Yeah?"
"Time to go. Carter's already started setting up camp. We can come back tomorrow."
"But Jack…"
"Ack! Do you WANT to subject us to her cooking?"
That gets me moving. Everyone knows that Sam can't cook for her life. We pack up and leave for the evening. I'm pretty happy with the work I got done anyway.
As it is Teal'c made dinner and its waiting for us when we return to the camp. I tuck in hungrily.
"Whoa! Slow down there, Daniel. Save some for the rest of us."
I stop eating and see the rest of my team staring at me. I swallow the last of my food and look down embarrassed. I cough.
"Whatever, Jack." I manage to choke out.
I hate Jack for his comment. After that, I go and throw up my meal.
***
I lie awake in my sleeping bag, ignoring my churning stomach. Only hours ago I had thrown up my first meal in almost 10 years. 10 years hard work gone down the drain in one day. How had Jack's comments reduced me to this? In my heart of hearts, I knew Jack did not mean what he was saying. I knew that he was just teasing, but his comments struck a chord deep within me. He was touching a raw nerve which had never been fully protected. Now, the nerve was exposed and throbbing.
When we had all finished dinner, I slipped away from the others. They weren't bothered. They probably thought I was going to take care of business. It suited me. I went a little way away from the camp site. Far enough though that I knew I was still safe, but the others wouldn't come across me.
My stomach was churning. Jack was breaking my heart with his comments. They were meant in jest. I knew that. Logically I knew he'd never say anything like that with malicious intent. Still his comments got inside my head and before I knew it, I had two fingers buried in the back of my throat.
Laying here in the tent, my throat is still sore. Ten years. How has this happened? Last night…I thought I'd figured it out last night. I mean I was so certain…of course, that was before that bloody nightmare. I shiver at the memory. I won't let myself get to that stage again. I can't.
***
For the next few days, Jack continued to hound me. Mornings were the easiest. I could be up and out of the camp before the food was even made, saying I wanted as much time as possible with the ruins. I always made sure to take a power bar with me on the way so the others would think I was going to eat that instead.
Lunch was somewhat more difficult. I would have to fight Jack on it. Sometimes I won, other times I would have to eat. But I was sneaky. I made it look like I was eating more than I actually was. Of course I was purging all I ate as soon as I got the chance.
I was dreaming more and more about my time in hospital. My 'recovery'. You'd think that those memories would prevent me from doing this again, but they didn't. I felt like I could control it this time. After all, I was smart enough not to get caught. Besides, I wouldn't let it get that far this time. Just a little weight loss. Just a little.
Dinner was a lost cause. I always had to eat. There were no compromises about that. Especially not if I skipped breakfast AND lunch. Jack was constantly over my shoulder reminding me to eat. It worked in my favor that I had always been so buried in my work that I forgot about meals. Otherwise, the others might get suspicious. Still, I got the upper hand. I would throw up dinner as well. I was starting to get somewhat light headed though. My cheeks felt sore and my eyes itchy. Still I continued. I was in control. It was just a little set back. Once I got back to Earth I'd be able to get back on track. Maybe just reduce my intake. That would be fine. For the moment though, I just need to get rid of everything.
***
"Welcome back SG-1," said General Hammond. Jack, Sam, Teal'c and I walked down the ramp in the gate room.
"General! Good to be back," said Jack.
He was quiet happy to be off the planet as he was somewhat bored while there. I was feeling light headed. In the four days we stayed on the planet I had snuck away to throw up every meal and the effects were starting to hit me now.
"Go get checked out and we'll have a briefing in one hour." said the General.
We all walked out of the gate room eager to freshen up. Even if we had to see Janet first.
We got the all clear from Janet and during the briefing, I suggested to General Hammond to send a return team to the planet as there was plenty of information we could use against the Goa'uld. It was a pity SG-1 was a first contact team. There are some days I wish I could just stay on a planet and really study the ruins completely. But for now, I just wanted to get home and get some sleep. I hadn't been able to sleep on the planet at all, as I was thinking about food way too much. I just needed to get away from it for awhile. I needed to get away from Jack.
I walked into my apartment, with its organized chaos and just went straight into the bedroom. I slept through lunch, and dinner.
I felt groggy the next morning. I'd gone longer without food, but, I wasn't used to purging. It had been a long time since I'd resorted to that. Thankfully we had the day off. Down time.
I got up and got dressed drinking only a cup of coffee before leaving my apartment. I stretched and jumped on the spot for a few minutes before setting off at a light jog. If I wanted to eat at all today I needed to burn off some calories.
As I ran, all I could think of was how I could I have relapsed so badly? How did Jack have that much control over me? I ran faster, as though running away from my thoughts. I needed to forget everything. I needed to eat.
I got back to my apartment, sweating, shaking and sick. I'd run six miles in an hour and a half. I was a wrecked. I jumped into a cold shower and washed off. Cooling down I became determined to eat something. I didn't realize just how hard that would be.
***
Jack's POV:
I woke up to a phone blaring in my ear. Crap. I was tired after our near week off-world and had hoped for a peaceful downtime. That was not to be.
I answered the phone and was surprised to hear Janet Frasier on the other end.
"Colonel O'Neill?" She asked.
"Dr. Fraiser? What can I do for you?"
"Colonel I was wondering if I could speak to you about one of your team mates."
I wasn't expecting that.
"What is it, Doc?"
I hear a sigh at the other end.
"I was wondering if you've noticed anything different about Daniel recently."
"Daniel? No, nothing. What's going on?"
Something is defiantly not right.
"You're sure? He hasn't been acting strange? Has he seemed more withdrawn than usual?"
"No. Look, Doc, I haven't noticed anything wrong with Daniel. At least no more than usual."
"What about his eating…"
I cut over Janet. "Look Doc will you just tell me what's going on?"
"Please just answer the question and I'll tell you all you need to know."
I raise my eyes and ask mama O'Neill for strength.
"What question?"
"Has Daniel been eating?"
I'm about to answer, but then I have to think for a moment. The last few days Daniel had skipped a few meals. But it was nothing serious right? I mean he always forgets to eat when he's studying some ancient whatever. For some reason that doesn't calm the gurgling in my stomach.
"He's skipped a few meals…why?" I say guarded.
"Have you actually seen him eat?" She asks me.
"Yes…" I can answer this confidently. "…I have. Now will you tell me what the hell is going on?"
"Sir, I was reviewing SG-1's medical reports and I noticed some irregularities with Daniels chart."
"Irregularities…is he safe? Has he been compromised?" I ask.
"No, he's not compromised. As for safe…I'm afraid that's up to Daniel…"
"Doc, will you just get on with it!" I'm getting impatient now.
"I think Daniel's been eating and vomiting his meals. Perhaps avoiding eating altogether even." Janet finally says.
"You think he has an eating disorder?" I'm surprised. I never would have associated Daniel with an eating disorder.
"I'm certain of it. With the way he was acting in the infirmary yesterday and with these results…well, I'd be surprised if it was anything else."
"What happened yesterday?" I'm almost afraid to ask…
"He was cagy. Wanted to get out fast. There was just something off. I asked him about it, in not so many words, but he got very defensive. I was wondering if you would speak to him? I think he might be more comfortable talking to you about this than he would talking to me."
I shake my head trying to understand all this. Danny has an eating disorder? How did I not notice?
"Yeah, I'll talk to him. Thanks for letting me know, Doc. He's still on active duty right?" I ask.
"I'm sorry, Colonel. I can't allow it. It's not safe for him to travel if he doesn't get this under control. Look, Colonel, his condition isn't very far along. If Daniel wasn't subject to such regular testing no one would even notice it at this point. Obviously it's not been going on very long, but it's still serious. I would like to see Daniel in the morning though, to be certain. I think he could really use a friend right about now. He certainly doesn't feel comfortable talking to me about it."
"Okay, Doc. I'll talk to him today. See what I can find out. Thanks."
I hang up the phone. I can't believe this. Daniel needs help and I'll be the one to give it to him.
I go up and shower and get ready to go over to Daniel's place. God I hope the doc is wrong.
***
Daniel's POV:
I was looking at the cheese and tomato sandwich on my plate, sitting on the coffee table. I'd been staring at the sandwich for an hour now. It was taunting me. Slowly, with a shaky hand, I reach out and grab half of it. I breathe in deeply through my nose. I lift the sandwich up to my lips and try to take a bite.
'Knock Knock!'
I look up at the door in surprise. I wasn't expecting anyone today. I put the uneaten sandwich down and walk to the door. Annoyed as I am with the interruption, I know I'm grateful for it. This way I can say I didn't eat the sandwich because someone was at the door, instead of I just couldn't do it.
I open the door and to my surprise Jack is standing right there.
"Hey, Daniel, going to invite a fellow in?" Said Jack.
I sigh and try not to roll my eyes before stepping back and allowing Jack into my apartment. I don't want him here, but with no valid excuse, I can't say no to him.
"Want something to drink?" I ask.
"Got any beer?" he says.
"No." I tell him and sit down on my couch again. I push the plate and sandwich away from me.
"Okay. You going to eat that?" he asks pointing to my sandwich.
"Eh…" I hesitate. "…no, I already had one. I made too much. You want it?" I ask hopefully.
"No, no. You go ahead." Said Jack.
I nod, but don't touch the sandwich. He raises his eyebrow.
"So, what are you doing around here?" I ask.
"Oh, nothing much. Just thought I'd drop by. Oh and eh, Janet told me to tell you that she wants to see you first thing in the morning. Anything I should know about?"
I feel myself pale. She couldn't know. Right?
"N-no, Jack. I'm n-not s-sure why she would want to see me at all." I'm worried now.
"Since when do you stutter?" Jack asks.
'Ah crap it anyway. Jack just has to notice everything. Well…not everything. He didn't notice how much his comments hurt…quit it!' Talking to myself is defiantly NOT a good sign.
"Did I? Huh. Slip of the tongue."
"Right. Well eat up Danny-Boy. Don't let your sandwich go to waste. We can't have you skipping meals, right?"
He knows! The way he's looking at me now. It's like we're playing some demented game of chicken. Glaring at him I pick up the sandwich. It feels heavy. Slimy. The juice from the tomatoes has moistened the bread. Stained it. Yuck!
I lift the sandwich to my lips, still looking at Jack. He's not even pretending that he's not watching my every move. He defiantly knows. But how much?
I take a bite. It's disgusting. The bread and cheese and tomato are rolling around my mouth. Despite the tomato juice, it's just a lump of dry food. I try to swallow it, honestly I do. But, I can't. Before I know it my mouth is watering. A precursor to vomiting. I run for my bathroom. I'm throwing up bile, from an empty stomach.
Worst of all, Jack is beside me with a clean face cloth. He dampens it in the sink beside me and then runs it across my forehead and the rest of my face.
After a few more minutes, I shakily get up. Jack helps me back into the living room and I collapse on the couch.
"How long's this been going on?" Jack asks, sitting on my coffee table.
"How long has what been going on?" I say deliberately. I need to know just how much he knows first, before I can answer.
"Don't play dumb, Daniel, it doesn't suit you. How long have you had an eating disorder?"
I turn my head to look at Jack.
"How much do you know?" Blunt and to the point. I keep my voice steady, mechanic.
"Honestly, Daniel, not much. Dr. Fraiser rang me today telling me about some of your test results. She's allowed do that by the way, 'cause I'm your Commanding Officer, so don't get snippy with her. She says that your results indicate that you've been throwing up a lot recently. She said that it show that you haven't been eating much if anything. She also says that you've lost a lot of weight recently. Do you want to tell me what all this is about?"
I close my eyes as I listen to Jack. At least Janet didn't tell Jack about my history. I've no doubt that it would have been in my medical files.
"Jack…15 years ago I started starving or else purging myself of meals. I lost a lot of weight and eventually I was hospitalized. I was given a feeding tube and told if I didn't start eating soon I would die. 10 years ago I purged for the last time. Until that is, a few days ago."
"Jesus." said Jack.
"I know it's wrong, and I know I can't keep going like this. I'm disgusted that I've let 10 years hard work be ruined like this. But, I can't help it, Jack. I just can't help it." I sit up on the couch and look at Jack properly. "I'm not in a good place right now, Jack. But I'll sort it out. I'll get better. I did before." I need to convince Jack that I can beat this. I need to convince myself.
"Daniel, I'm sorry. But until that happens I have to ground you from any off-world missions. It's policy. It's just not safe. You understand right?"
I do, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.
"I won't be like this for long, Jack. I know I won't." I tell Jack determinedly.
"Okay. Can I ask what triggered the…eh…relapse?" Jack looks curious.
"It's not important…" I say.
"Of course it's important, Daniel. If it can have this kind of effect on you I should know about it. Did someone say something to you? 'Cause you know if they did, I can have them transferred out of the SGC so fast…"
"Thank-you, Jack. But, no. It's alright."
"No it's not, Danny. You're too important to us, to me, to lose you to something like this. Tell me who the bastard was and I'll…"
"IT WAS YOU OKAY!!! It was you…" That shut him up, I think to myself.
"What? I never…"
"But, you did, Jack. You weren't trying to be mean. I know that. You were just joking around. But, I've always been oversensitive about my weight, and you just hit a nerve. That's all." I try to explain it to Jack, but he's not taking it well.
"What did I say? Oh, Danny, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Jesus, I can't believe I'm the reason you're sick."
"Look, Jack. You're not to blame. I know that. If you were, I wouldn't be talking to you right now. But I need you to calm down. Please, Jack. I promise you, I don't blame you for any of this."
Jack looks at me.
"You really don't blame me?"
"Of course not. You're my best friend. Look, my weight has always been a sensitive issue for me, but I never told you that. Had you known I've no doubt that you'd never have made those comments."
"Never, Danny. I'd never have said a word had I known."
"So, now what?" I ask.
"Huh?" He looks at me.
"Now what? I mean if I'm stuck on desk duty for the next…" I pause. How long is it going to take for me to get better again? Something tells me it's not going to be easy. Especially after today's fiasco.
"Talk to Janet tomorrow. She'll tell you what'll happen. But, Daniel, I'd imagine she'll want you to see a shrink!"
I flinch at the thought of it.
"NOT Mackenzie." I say forcefully.
"No, not Mackenzie. I'll make sure of it."
***
I'm grateful for Jack's assurances that I won't be forced to see Mackenzie, but I still lay awake in my bed worrying about tomorrow. I don't want to see Janet. I know that my behavior is a problem. I went through all this so long ago that I know what everyone will say, how they'll react. How they'll expect me to react. But this is harder now. 'Cause this time, this time I can see it from both sides. Yet I still go through with it.
Jack didn't force me to eat anything else before he left and I couldn't make myself try again. Surprisingly though, I feel fine at the moment. A headache seems to be my worst ailment. Tomorrow I will try again. Something light. I don't know if I can do this though. I mean, now I know exactly what could…will happen to me if I let this continue. It's hard though. I hate myself for that. It shouldn't be hard. It defiantly should not be hard to eat, to keep it down. I managed so well for years. Why is it something so small could set me off again? All I know is that I have to beat this. Before, the first time, I didn't have much going for me. Just my studies, now . . now I've so much more. I have to get better. I will get better. I don't want to leave the SGC, or SG-1...or…Jack.
A/N: Hey, well let me know what you think.