Disclaimer: Lio, Xender'k, all the other characters mentioned, and Sugarstars all belong to Ranu, not me. Gamble Everything For Love is by Ben Lee.
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Make a list of things you need, leave it emptyExcept for number one, write 'love', gamble everything
Keep it under lock and key
If you wanna, you can gamble everything for loveLio's vaguely aware of somebody talking; a soothing voice, soft and kindly, probably belonging to somebody of just under thirty. The voice is calm (as always), but there are undertones of urgency; not necessarily desperation, but urgency – this person is trying very hard to express an emotion. Sounds like love – insanely huge amounts of love. Lio knows what that's like.
As he forces bleary eyes open, he realises how warm and comfortable he feels. Disorientated though he is, he can work out that somebody's holding him, and that that's the same person who's talking to him.
"Wake up, Lio. Come on, you can't sleep forever."
Lio yawns hugely and raises his eyes to Xender'k's face. "X-Xen?" he mumbles, rubbing his eyes. "W-what the hell are you doing here? Can't a kid have any privacy?"
Xender'k grins sheepishly, his lavender eyes softening behind his glasses. "I was lonely," he confesses. "Thinking about Lan. I miss her, Lio. We have to work this out soon, this connection between her and Blanca."
Another huge yawn and Lio drops his head again, resting it against Xender'k's chest. "Dammit, Xender'k, what time is it? I'm exhausted. It's still dark, for Christ's sake." And then he jumps, remembering Cleo. Oh god, Cleo! She was with me when I fell asleep! Where is she?! What if she sees -? He looks around frantically, but doesn't see her. And then, he supposes, he's still alive, so she must not be around after all.
Xender'k is concerned. "Lio? What's wrong?"
"N-nothing," he says, the panic subsiding a little. He relaxes again. "I – I just remembered something. Homework."
Xender'k smiles affectionately and ruffles his hair. "You were asleep at your desk when I came in. Head on a book. What were you doing, studying until you fell asleep?"
Lio shrugs, stifling another yawn, and closes his eyes. "Xen, I know we have to do something about Blanca and Lan, but we're trying. You know we're trying – you're trying hardest. You have to let me sleep."
"I don't want to," replies Xender'k with an impish smile. "You're awake now. You may as well keep me company." And one long hand touches the side of Lio's head, fingers combing through the messy brown hair, fondling the black cat ears. Again, Lio is struck by the utter loveliness of his voice. It really is the most soothing sound he's ever heard.
Lio sighs. "Jesus Christ, Xen, who's the adult here?" he grumbles, defeat ringing in every syllable. "I thought you were supposed to be the responsible one. I shouldn't have to baby-sit you."
Xender'k chuckles. "Always so reluctant. I don't know what I see in you, Lio."
"Oh, apart from my wonderful disposition and smouldering good looks? Yes, I'm stumped too – it's not as if I'm anything unusual, after all."
Xender'k laughs freely this time, pulling his younger companion into a warm hug. "Of course," he agrees, voice still quivering with mirth. "Nothing special at all."
And before Lio has time to make sense of what's happening, Xender'k's kissing him, one hand behind his head and the other around his waist. His head's spinning. He tries to relax, somehow, without letting his guard down. It's so easy to let himself go when he's with Xender'k; but he can't let it happen. No brief moment of freedom is worth that. Nothing's worth that.
When Xender'k pulls back, his breathing uneven, he smiles dotingly down at the boy, as if it's the most natural thing in the world. Completely unaware of his own naivety, Lio thinks. He doesn't think Xender'k actually has any idea that their relationship is unhealthy, or even unusual, in any way.
But it's so easy to think that way.
Fighting not to sink into the hazy stupor of adoration, Lio smiles weakly back and tightens his arms, which seem very short around Xender'k's proportionally much larger torso. Xender'k speaks up, in a murmur bursting with barely-suppressed emotion.
"I love you, Lio." There's a note of wistfulness in his voice. "I love you so much."
And suddenly his soft, smooth voice loses all its charm. A spasm of pain shoots through Lio at his words and he feels his whole body clench, before he can stop himself. He wills Xender'k to stop talking, with every bone in his body.
"Lio, you – you've never said that to me," says Xender'k, a little pleadingly. "I just want to hear those three words. It strikes me as a nice thing to say to the person you love."
Lio fights the pangs in his chest. "X-Xender'k…y-you shouldn't have to ask…"
"I know, I shouldn't," agrees Xender'k, "so please, spare me the embarrassment of asking it again. Just say you love me. Please."
Lio shakes his head numbly. "Stupid question," he mutters vaguely, desperately avoiding Xender'k's eyes. Cleo's face comes unbidden into his mind – he imagines coughing hard – darkness swimming at the edges of his vision – never seeing Xender'k again –
It's an unendurable thought, and yet one he entertains daily.
Surprise and hurt are painfully evident in Xender'k's soft voice. "You don't love me?"
Lio's gabbling, struggling to make amends. His throat's becoming tight. "Y-you know me better than that, Xen – I –"
Can he say it? Does it have to be those three words that kill him? What about yes?
He doesn't say it. He's terrified.
"Come on, Lio," Xender'k says, and his voice is shaking too. "Please. Just humour me. Just say it."
Lio shakes his head, and his eyes brim with tears. "I can't."
"Lio…" Xender'k tilts his head upward and Lio's surprised to see his expression. He glares into Lio's eyes with a frightening intensity. He seems angry. Or very desperate. Or maybe both. "Lio, do you love me?" His voice is quite steady this time, although Lio notices moisture beading in the corners of his eyes. Xender'k blinks the tears away fiercely.
Lio's seen enough. He can't do this any more. He can't bear to be causing Xender'k this pain.
"Yes," he says simply, and bursts into tears.
But he's still alive. Cleo doesn't seem to be here, and he isn't experiencing any pain – well, no physical pain, anyway. He's not dead. He can still feel Xender'k's surprise, see the tears blurring his eyes, and smell the dusty dorm. He's still completely present.
And he disposes of the fear and buries his head in Xender'k's chest. He doesn't care if he's impulsive. He doesn't care who gets hurt. It's worth it. "Yes, I do, Xender'k. More than you can imagine. I can't tell you how much."
And he's alive, even now – he's alive.
And he can feel Xender'k's delight and concern mingling, and his arms are tightening around him, and Lio's making funny noises that are half sobs, half laughs. Just those three words. It's just those three words. Cleo doesn't care so long as he can't tell Xender'k he loves him. There's an easy way around this, after all.
And it was more worth it than he imagined.
Love me with an open heart, tell me anything
We can find a place to start to gamble everything
We can set this thing apart, cuz we're gonna, gonnaGamble everything for love