This was not inserted into "SpongeBob SquarePants Funshots" because I wanted it to get attention as an independent story.
AUTHOR'S UPDATE: I might go on a very long hiatus due to my parents officially deciding to track my device and Internet. I will miss you guys. Enjoy this story until I get back one day!
"I'm so proud of you, Patrick! It takes a lot of hard work to earn your license, and you managed!" SpongeBob looked up into the full face of his best friend with a convincing smile, his lip quivering.
"Says you, SpongeBob. I'll have you know that it wasn't difficult at all." He crossed his arms rather playfully, his tone bullish but his body language suggesting otherwise.
"Oh, alright. Whatever," he chuckled. His arms sunk at his side.
From deep within a sigh of failure escaped SpongeBob's parted lips. Even as someone as mentally slow as Patrick could get their boating license, but here SpongeBob was, without one. 'What the heck is wrong with me?' he thought.
"I, uh... I know how much getting to finally drive means to you SpongeBob, so uh..." Patrick paused, collecting his jumbled up thoughts. "Oh yeah!" He snapped his finger. "I remember now, sorry. So... how's about you start the car?" He placed the key in the tender hand of SpongeBob who was sitting in the passenger's seat.
A weak smile touched the boy's lips. "Gee, buddy, I don't know." He fingered the copper-colored key, his face somber. "Should I? I mean... I don't wanna cause damage to your new boat, y'know?"
"That's up to you," Patrick decided. "It's getting late, and I kinda wanna go home." He looked out the window at the empty parking lot surrounding them. "It's eerie out here."
"Agreed."
SpongeBob's hand nervously raised the key, and a bead of sweat formed at his brow. His breath was shaky and his face was flushed a pink color. "Pat, I can't do this!" His arm fell limp on his lap.
"Don't be silly, SpongeBob. Just stick it into the ignition!"
SpongeBob shook his head, his chest rising and falling rapidly. "I just don't wanna crash us", he kept repeating. His eyes welled up with tears. "I don't wanna crash! I don't.. wanna.. c-c-crash—"
Patrick watched bewildered as SpongeBob let loose his emotions. "SpongeBob, it's okay. Really, it is." He placed a hand on his friend's shoulder, and could feel him shaking.
"N-no, it's not! I don't want you to" —he choked on his words— "get hurt." SpongeBob held up the key and dangled it above Patrick's open palm. "Take it back. Y-you can start the engine. I don't trust myself with your life." He swallowed the saliva that had built up in his throat. "...I'm a failure."
Patrick clenched his fists and slammed the key onto the dashboard. "Quit talking barnacles! You're the smartest nice guy I've ever met. You're no failure, and I don't want to hear you say it, either." This time the starfish's arms were crossed out of true solemnity.
"P-Pat, don't ge..." he trailed off.
"Huh?"
"D-don't get m-m..." SpongeBob put two arms around his friend, sobbing. He snorted loudly before attempting to voice himself again, choking on saliva all the while. "I'm s-sorry, Patrick, just don't g-get mad."
Patrick returned the hug, his eyes glossy. He could feel SpongeBob body convulsing beneath his hold. Often SpongeBob was the dominant one in their relationship, always leading and comforting him, but now it was Patrick's turn, and he was finding it exhaustingly difficult.
"It's okay, SpongeBob. See?" He snatched up the key from atop the dashboard and put it into the ignition. "It's all good."
"Patrick, don't!" Tears and mucus streaked down the alarmed face of the sponge. "The boat's set to neutral!"
"So?"
"And your foot is on the pedal!" he cried, spit flying.
The boat started racing through the parking lot, and the two friends feared for their lives. Patrick tightly held onto the steering wheel, panic setting in. "Robert! I forgot how to break!"
The use of his real name perplexed SpongeBob for the shortest time, but he quickly regained awareness and took over the wheel. "Dear Neptune!" he hollered, turning a corner to avoid a lamp post.
Bubbles flew past the speeding boat. "If you don't take your foot off the pedal," SpongeBob shouted, wrestling with the wheel, "I'm gonna lose my sh—"
Skrrrt!
The boat came to an abrupt halt, causing SpongeBob and Patrick to jerk forward in their seats. The seat belts tightened around their chests, knocking the wind (or water, rather) out of them.
SpongeBob looked up. "Oh my Neptune."
The boat had stopped just inches in front of a large lamp post.
"We could've been dead!" SpongeBob said, shaking Patrick furiously. "You son of a bivalve, you!" The sponge's face was burning red. It was not like him to curse so viciously, and it caused Patrick even more distress.
"Stop yelling, SpongeBob!" he whimpered. "You're scaring me!" His heart was pounding in his chest, his breathing heavy and his brow covered in sweat. The emotions were too much for him to handle, and he broke down in tears.
"Patrick, I'm tired of your foolishness getting us hurt." He hiccuped, feeling the tears burn his eyes again. "J-just look at me."
The starfish looked down to where SpongeBob was gesturing. Blood stained the left side of his signature pants, and when pulled down, the flesh could be seen bruised.
"I'm gonna have to get hip surgery or something now. Just cause' I'm a sponge doesn't mean I'm invincible." He sighed. "That's why I didn't want to... crash." He began rubbing Patrick's shoulder. "I don't wanna die. I want to live a long life with my best friend. —You."
Patrick bit his lip. "This is just one of the reasons why you're my best friend, SpongeBob; even when I almost kill us, you still l-love me." He glanced back down at SpongeBob's wound again, guilt punching him in the gut.
"...I'm a dipshit."
SpongeBob gasped, his hand over his mouth in shock. "Pat, no!" he exclaimed. "Don't you ever say that about yourself. You're not a dipshit, buddy." He folded his arms. "You might not be the brightest bulb in the box, but you're not as slow as you claim to be."
"Really?"
"Mhm."
"I love you, SpongeBob," he sighed.
"I know, buddy." The sponge smiled, his buck teeth protruding over his lower lip and his rosy cheeks forming under his dazzling, blue eyes. He placed his hand on Patrick's leg. "Say, how long have we been friends?"
Patrick looked up into the blackness of the night, pondering. His brain fizzled a bit, as recalling things was often difficult for him. "...For as long as I can remember," he finally answered.
SpongeBob's heart skipped a beat as he stared into Patrick's dark brown pupils. He wasn't the most attractive starfish in the sea. He rarely wore a shirt, exposing his chubby torso, and his pants could've been pulled up a bit more. —But SpongeBob saw passed physical appearance and instead looked into the heart. That's where he saw Patrick's true nature.
"Patrick, I'm shaken from this whole thing. Can I... Can I have a hug?" He stretched out his thin, yellow arms toward's his pal, a shaky breath escaping him.
"Sure, Sponge. Just lemme take out this damned key." He took care in removing it. "It's caused a lot of trouble tonight." With his chubby finger he twisted the key out of the ignition and set it atop the dashboard. The rumbling of the boat instantly stopped. It fell silent, except for the breeze in the air.
"Bring it in, buddy!" he said excitedly.
SpongeBob fell into Patrick's warm embrace, letting his arms fall limply over his squishy shoulders. He pressed his face up against his friend's, nuzzling it playfully with his nose. The short fellow could feel himself being lifted off of his seat, Patrick's arms squeezing him tightly. The breath on where his neck should be sent tingles up his spine. The feeling of comfort that held his heart was amazing. Any pain in his hip could be ignored for a feeling such as this one.
Patrick looked at SpongeBob after he broke the hug. "Heh, you seemed a bit too happy for a guy who just nearly died." He winked at SpongeBob knowingly.
A blush formed on the sponge's face. "I did?" he chuckled, his tone attempted sultry. Bashful, he kicked his legs about in excitement, his hands over his lower face to cover his red cheeks.
"Hey," Patrick said, voice curious. "Can boys kiss boys?"
SpongeBob was taken aback by the question. "W-well," he faltered, "if they're b-boyfriends, I suppose." He thought the question interesting, perhaps suggesting something.
Patrick put his arms around SpongeBob yet again and placed his hands on his back, tracing his pores with his finger. "We're friends that are boys." His right hand inched further down the sponge's back as he spoke, and then slid back upwards before he reached the buttocks. He removed his hands from his friend's body and dug deep in his pocket for something.
"Pat, are you sugge—?" He paused when he saw Patrick pull out a container of kelp flavored chapstick.
SpongeBob looked at the glossy accessory, trying to register what was going on. The two had been friends forever, and rarely did he think about getting intimate with each other. As a person with an innocent demeanor, it just didn't cross his mind often.
He sucked in his breath, and held it. "—You wanna kiss, don't you?"
Patrick nodded vigorously. "Of course!" He bounced up and down in his seat. "I want to share my first kiss with my bestest friend in the whole ocean." His wide grin displayed eagerness all over his face.
"Well, alright," SpongeBob answered. "I'm sure a little peck on the lips won't alter our relationship in any way." This was a quick decision for him to make, but it was for his best friend, and best friends did big favors for each other.
Patrick closed his eyes and stuck out his tongue. "I'm ready!"
"Patrick, we're not getting that passionate with it. Just a simple lip-to-lip, and nothing more." SpongeBob closed his mouth, shut his eyes tightly, and leaned in nervously. He could feel his heart thudding in his chest, the blood throbbing in his ears. Should he be doing this? Was he gay? Oh, he had so many questions at such an inconvenient time.
Patrick could see the unsure look on SpongeBob's contorted face. The sponge's eyes were squeezed tightly closed and his lips were slightly puckered. SpongeBob's lack of confidence gave him the strength to act as the dominant one again. He closed his eyes and leaned closer, plump lips pursed and ready.
It lasted a second, and it was simple, dry, and PG.
"Wow," was the only word that SpongeBob could utter. He sat upon the seahorse-leather cushion in the dark and the chills of the night, and rested his hand beside his hip. A bit of blood trickled onto his hand. His aching hip would have to be dealt with later, because SpongeBob was taking a moment of silence to evaluate what actions had just occurred.
Patrick writhed in the pure silence, so he broke it. "Was... was I good?"
"You were fine Pat, it's just that..." For some reason he felt sick. He had kissed his best friend. It seemed so wrong to him. Bile formed in his throat.
"I could've been better, right?"
"You're fine, Patrick," the sponge stressed. "It just feels so weird to have kissed you. I... I almost wanna..." He gulped, looking Patrick in the eye.
Patrick gnawed on his lip anxiously. "Yeah?" He watched as SpongeBob drew in a deep breath and exhaled shakily.
"I almost want to do it again."
Ending could have been better. Give me an alternate ending scenerio.