Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. Original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. Not beta-read; don't shoot.
A/N: I got the idea for the first line from a picture I saw once on a fan site. I have this sneaking suspicion that it was over at the mcweir archvies, so probably is taken completely and utterly out of context, but it's all good! Have fun you sparky shippers out there!
Oh You So Owe Me Now...
"You and Elizabeth are what?"
John glared at his friend, slapped his hand over the scientist's mouth, then glanced around nervously and hissed, "Keep your voice down, Rodney. Believe me when I say that I'm only even sharing this information with you now because I really, really need to – not because I want it broadcast to the whole of Atlantis via your big mouth."
Rodney shoved John's hand away angrily, before repeating, though admittedly at about a tenth of the volume, "You and Elizabeth are what?"
John groaned and shook his head. "Were you born like this, or do you just act dumb to annoy me, Rodney? You heard what I said the first time. Elizabeth and I, we're – um – seeing each other."
Rodney remained silent for a few long seconds and it was like watching a bomb tick. And sure enough, when he opened his mouth again it was to hiss in a terrifyingly loud voice, "You're shagging our boss?"
Sheppard swore and grabbed Rodney roughly by the arm before dragging him out onto the nearest balcony and slamming the door shut behind them. "Jesus, Rodney! Do you have even the vaguest idea of what 'this is between you and me' means? Could you shut the hell up, stop shouting, and just listen to me for a moment? Yes, Elizabeth and I are seeing each other. We have been for a few months now, okay? Now, I need you to -"
"Months?" squeaked Rodney, a deeply offended look on his face, "And here I was stupidly imagining that I had some standing in this city. You don't think it's important to tell me this kind of thing? I mean -" he paused and then rushed out in a surprisingly hurt voice, "I thought you and Elizabeth were my friends. Friends share that kind of thing, I thought. How inordinately dense of me."
John had the decency to look a little guilty. It honestly hadn't occurred to him that that would be Rodney's sticking point. "Er – sorry. You know Elizabeth. Stickler for the rules that she is, she didn't want…" he trailed off under the look on Rodney's face.
The physicist put his hands on his hips. "You didn't think I could keep my mouth shut."
John mumbled something incoherently.
"You know," continued the Canadian in his conversationally-angry voice, "I've been working with classified information for years longer than you have, Sheppard. In the SGC. In Area 51. In Russia, damn it, and do you know what a butt-freezing country that is? And in Antarctica. And here. And I haven't spilled a secret yet. Just because I make the odd social screw-up now and then doesn't mean that I don't understand what confidential means."
Sheppard shrugged helplessly and moved to speak, but Rodney cut straight over him. "And don't even think about apologising now. I don't want to hear it. Come grovel in a week or so and make sure you mean it. And there'd better be extra coffee rations involved." Then he took a deep breath and said, much more calmly, "So. What was it you wanted help with?"
John was, quite frankly, confused. "You don't want an apology, but you will help?"
Rodney rolled his eyes, "Just because you're an idiot doesn't mean that I don't get the basics of what a friend's for, even if you obviously don't. Well? Go on, tell me what it is that you need me for."
John grinned slightly, "I want you to hack into Elizabeth's laptop."
"You want me to what?"
"You're shouting again, Rodney."
"Well – wouldn't you shout if I asked you to – to – to break into a girl's room for me – or something else equally stupid."
John grinned properly now, "Yeah, how's that going with the little scientist, by the way?"
"None of your business," snapped Rodney crossly. Then he glanced sideways and inquired curiously, "Er – so, why exactly do you want me to hack into Elizabeth's laptop?"
The Colonel chuckled. "Knew you couldn't resist it, you have a criminal's soul, Rodney." The Canadian was glaring at him again, so John continued quickly, "Look, it's her birthday next week. I want you to programme the laptop – I don't know how, but I bet you can do it – so that when I take her on the picnic I promised her, it does something to affect the puddlejumper. I know she'll have her laptop with her. She always does; she's as hopeless as you are."
"You want me to hack inot her computer and sabotage a puddlejumper?!"
"Shouting."
"Oh. Right. Sorry. But – why do you want me to do this?"
John sighed. "Because that woman needs a holiday. She's going to burn herself out if she's not carefully, and naturally she refuses to take a break. And if I wreak the puddlejumper, she'll know. She's not stupid. It has to be something I can't fix. And then the gate has to not work between here and there. For a whole week. I've already organised it with the locals. We'll be as comfy as can be."
"Nice for you," snarked Rodney, then shrugged slightly. "Okay, so let me get this straight. You want me to hack into my boss' computer, and sabotage a puddlejumper, and keep the gate off-line, and be party to what basically amounts to abduction, and keep it secret from the IOC and everyone else that you and her are breaking every rule known to mankind and having it off right under their noses?" He'd been counting the points off on his fingers and now he waves his whole right hand cheerily at the Colonel.
John rubbed his neck, "Um. Pretty much. Yeah."
Rodney beamed, "Piece of cake. But you are so, so deep in debt with me, John Sheppard, that it's going to take months to work your way back out of it. Have a lovely holiday." He chuckled to himself and left the balcony.
John turned around and gazed out at the ocean. Ah. Right. So there was a small chance that maybe he should have asked Zelenka instead…