MST3K
Basilisk Child
by
The Slytherin Muggle
MSTed by
Toria
Brynn: A Mary Sue named Halianajkljelrjjvukemoakilanaijakaora killed him and she and Harry lived happily ever after in a castle with cream and chocolate and whips and leather and sheets! The end.
Lily died, but James lived
Leela: Happily ever after!
Adam (the supposed boy-who-lived) and Harry (the real boy-who-lived).
Natalie: Loved to have hot passionate sex together.
James neglected and abused Harry even
Brynn: ...though that wasn't exactly in character.
when he entered Hogwarts. Will Harry become the next Dark Lord and if he does what will he do to get his revenge?
Brynn: Make Britney Spears play over and over again in James's head?
Natalie: Good one.
Hey everyone, this is my first fanfic so please dont judge by first chapters.
Natalie: Well, that's better than "Don't like, don't read!"... but then, since that's the most pathetic excuse a badfic can use, that's not really saying a lot.
Leela: "However, if my second chapter sucks balls, feel free to flame it!"
Day before fourth year
Mini Summary- Harry was sorted into Slytherin,
Brynn: Figures.
Everyone avoided him including the teachers. Snape treated him like vermin.
Brynn (Snape): Yo mama's so fat that she got hit by a bus, and she said, 'Who threw this rock?'
Leela (Harry): I thought you were in love with her?
Brynn (Snape): Oh...right.
"Get in here you worthless piece of shit!" screamed James Potter,
Natalie: "And explain to me why there's a comma instead of a period! Now!"
Harry Potter was reading Dark Arts by: Grindwald,
Brynn: Grindelwald's evil twin.
Leela: Noooo, Grindelwald's evil, so Grindwald would be his GOOD twin.
Natalie: But Grindwald wrote a book called Dark Arts, so then he's evil!
Brynn: Grindwald's evil. He's an OC in badfic, so he's evil.
the book was believed to be burned but when you had wandless, shadow and mage powers at your unlimited use,
Leela: You were considered a Gary Stu.
many things are available to you.
Natalie: But, apparently, not ICness.
When Harry heard his father call he made the shadows swallow the book
Brynn (shadows): Tastes like chicken.
and went to meet James, yes Harry didn't think of James Potter as a father
Leela: This Harry was too busy doing dark magic and cutting himself to think at all.
then he thought Voldemort wore a pink tutu and did splits when he was happy.
Natalie: All right, who wants to bet that this'll be the fic's only good line?
"What, sir?" Harry said calmly his voice impassive; James had a strange glint in his eyes.
Brynn: Draco and Harry live happily ever after; these last two statements don't really have much connection.
Suddenly a dark and very illegal curse came flying toward Harry,
Leela: "Turnus intous parisus hiltonus fakelatinus!"
he just sidestepped it, James smiled
Natalie (James): Aaw, he's so cute!
and Harry felt the curse rebound toward him. Harry then froze in total panic,
Brynn: "Oh no, I think I lost my MCR T-shirt!"
what was going on? What was going to happen?
Natalie: Didn't you hear the curse, you nincompoop? You're going to turn into Paris Hilton!
"Boys, may I introduce to you the slime ball of a son,
Leela (boys): Hi, Slimeball of a Son! You sure have a long name! Can I call you Slime? SOAS, maybe?
you may do what you wish."
Brynn: "So, if we want, we can beat you up?"
Natalie (James): Ye--I mean NO! I meant HIM!
James left and the men walked toward Harry and looked him over.
Brynn: "Hmm...not bad looking...wearing way too much pink though!"
Leela (Harry): Hey! I was going to wear my MCR T-shirt, but I lost it.
Harry had a nice toned out body,
Natalie: Typical.
he 'was' skinny and malnourished but
Brynn: He somehow fell through a plot hole and found something that made him look shmexy.
his magic helped him fill out nicely, he had shoulder length silky black hair with red streaks, he had no glasses and was about 5"6'.
Leela (as a Sue): "Like, isn't he, like, sexxy, like?"
"So boys, what shall we do with him?" one of the men cackled,
Leela: "Eat him!"
Harry shivered at his tone, he tried using his magic but it seemed it was bound.
Natalie: He would never see his MCR T-shirt again...
For the next few hours horrible screams filled Potter Mansion.
Brynn: "Give me my MCR T-shirt, you CENSORED!"
Natalie: O-kay, we are really overkilling this MCR T-shirt thing.
The next day Harry woke up, he was sore and had blood on his lower area. He shivered at the memory.
Leela: Had a Stu really been posessing him?
"What isssss wrong young Massster?"
Brynn: "I lost my--."
Natalie: I told you. No MCR T-shirt.
Brynn: Sorry.
hissed Jade, a baby Basilisk, Harry had found her a year ago,
Leela: And they had a threesome with Draco.
she comforted him when he was upset or broken, telling him
Natalie: That commas were not periods and he needed to learn that.
revenge would be his (what do expect she is a basilisk after all).
Brynn: Well, for him to die if he looks at her, for a start. Not to mention for her to not have such a dumb name. And so on and so forth.
"I can't sssstand him, he isssss ssssso cruel,
All three: My precioussssssssss!
yessssterday he made hisssss men defial me (there was no other word he could think of for 'rape')."
Leela: So just say rape! Geez!
Jade let out an angry hiss her eyes hardened
Natalie (as Jade): Learn to sssssssspell, dammit! It's defile, not defial!
the killing was will power), but Harry was crying so she went and comforted him.
Brynn: "It's OK, Harry. It's not your fault you're being posessed by a Gary Stu.
"Get down here now you pathetic excuse for a son." James yelled,
Brynn: "I'm going to give you a grammar lesson!"
Harry sighed and put Jade into his trunk, telling her he would be let out later.
Leela: "Wait! Come back! I can't breathe!"
At KingsCross, they made their way to platform 9 ¾, they soon met the Weasly's; James left them to go by themselves.
Natalie: Huh? Wha? Who?
"So Adam how was your prat of a brother this time." Ron Weasly said, catching up with Adam.
Natalie (Adam): Very OOC. Not as OOC as my father, but still OOC.
Adam looked thoughtful.
Brynn: "Should I tell him about the twincest we've been having?"
"He was different; he never came out of his room. Probably doing more dark arts."
Leela: "Or maybe learning to punctuate correctly, though I guess that's too much to hope for."
Adam said, although he knew what the men had done to his brother (he was the one who suggested), Ron agreed.
Natalie: "Yeah, it seems like he's never in character nowadays. Do you think maybe there's another Rebel!Sue around?"
They reached the platform and met Hermione Granger, she was a muggle born but the smartest witch next to Harry,
Brynn: Did Harry have a gender change or something?
studied more than she did but for different reasons. He because had no friends to hang out with and knowledge was power and she because she just loved it.
Natalie: Ah, yes. This is actually one of the things that freaks me out about Canon!Hermione.
"Hi, ''Mione." Harry said softly,
Leela: Unfortunately, the use of the nickname made Hermione think that yet another Sue wanted to give her a makeover, so she Avada-kedavraed him on the spot.
Hermione was the only one who talked to him, she enjoyed the talks they had, and it was the only time he talked to someone so freely.
Natalie: Talk, talk, talk...you know, there ARE synonyms for that word!
And he talked to her because
Brynn: It got him extra help with his homework.
she was really nice and saw him as Harry, not the (supposed) boy-who-lived brother, or a Slytherin snake but as
Natalie: A Gary-Stu who deserved to die.
Harry.
Natalie: Oh.
"Hello Harry." She said; she was amazed at how he had filled out.
Brynn: His boobs were really big now.
His hair grew and his muscles were nicely toned.
Leela: In short, he was shmexy!
Adam looked at her surprised; he never knew that they were friends.
Brynn: Four years at Hogwarts, and you never noticed? God, Adam, you are slow.
But paid no heed, he liked her a lot and knew that she like him back.
Natalie: Even if he do use bad grammar sometimes.
But in truth Hermione liked Harry and she could tell that Harry liked her back.
Leela: So Hermione's psychic?
When they were on the train, Ron and Adam went to find a compartment while Hermione stayed behind and searched for Harry. She found him speaking to a snake; it was big and held to Harry like a mother would to her child.
Natalie: She was pushing him in a stroller!
Leela (Jade): Will someone help me here? This isn't exactly easy when you have no hands, you know!
"Hey Harry." Hermione said softly, she knew he hated loud noises. Harry didn't even jump
Brynn: Well, why would he, if she's talking softly?
but smiled softly
Natalie: Huh? How can you smile at a volume? Or a hardness?
and returned her hi.
Leela: Technically, it was a hey, but whatever.
"Harry I was wondering if you could tell me why you hate your brother so much?" Hermione said softly, Harry stiffened.
Natalie: "Nooooooo! Not the logic! Mione, I just hate him, okay! For plot purposes!"
"I'm sorry 'Mione I can't, I want to tell you and I want to trust you but I can only handle so much pain."
Brynn (Hermione): Okay, fine, if you insist. Just don't call me Mione!
Harry whispered, he always whispered but it seemed to carry out throughout the compartment like an echo charm was placed upon his voice.
Leela: Well, I wouldn't want to hear him yell, then!
"I don't really understand the last part but I will listen when you are ready.
Natalie (as Hermione, thinking): Please never be ready...
Now can you please explain why you have a basilisk on you arm?"
Brynn "Well, every Sue or Stu needs an animal friend, so I figured, why not her?"
She changed the subject knowing how Harry disliked talking about his family, he chuckled. It was the first time Hermione had ever heard him laugh.
"You should do that more often." She told him
"Do what?"
Leela: Well, what were you doing just before she said it? Honestly, Harry, use your brains!
"Laugh. Now stop changing the subject,
Natalie: But...she's the one who changed it!
why do you have a deadly snake on your arm?"
Brynn: "I already told you!"
Harry looked at her before bursting out laughing,
Natalie: "Ha ha, Hermione has a zit!"
Hermione smiled knowingly, she wanted to make him laugh and be happy: it was her goal since first year.
Leela: Well, that should be easy, just read him some HP PPC fics. You know how much he must hate Sues by now.
"Um… well I found Jade near the mansion, she had lost her mother and I didn't want her to have no one like me." Harry finished
Brynn: "I am so tragic I cannot say one sentence without dropping a hint about how tragic I am."
Harry finished (he was still speaking softly and probably will until I deem so fit, I'm so evil… okay maybe I'm not!),
Natalie: Yeah, tell someone who cares.
he was stroking Jade's scales softly, she hissed in pleasure.
Brynn: "Harry, ssssstop touching me or I'll kill you!"
Hermione nodded not still understanding the full picture but started putting bits and bits of piece together.
Leela (Hermione): OK...he's dark...angsty...has a cute little animal friend...a nice laugh...calls me Mione...seems perfect in every way...can do no wrong...now what could all this mean?
"Potter, sitting with a mudblood and I thought you couldn't sink lower."
Natalie: Well, at least Draco's still in character.
he had his trade mark Malfoy smirk.
Brynn: A Draco Malfoy smirk: available now at Toys R Us.
"You can actually think, nice job maybe next time you can learn how to ride a broom properly." Harry said still not looking up from petting Jade. Draco looked down right furious.
Natalie (Draco): And maybe YOU'LL learn to use commas and periods properly.
"When my father…"
Leela: "...says the word 'potato' he turns into a chicken for the next seventy-two hours."
"Draco for once in your life think about your father,
Brynn (Draco): He's shmexy.
not the rich, blonde, on the school board of governors father. But the Death-Eater, raping little children, torturing and killing and lapdog of Voldemort father,
Brynn: But still shmexy.
and when you finally realize the difference come to me and say in my face what you think of your father then.
Natalie: "Haven't I just said it twice? He's shmexy!"
And don't ever say the word mudblood in front of me again."
Leela (Draco): Mudblood.
Natalie (Harry): Turnus intous maryus sueus! Oh wait, you're already one in this fic. Never mind.
Harry said, Draco was stunned to silence he exited the compartment in deep thought.
Brynn: "Hmm...should I wear the blue eyeshadow or the pink?"
Hermione looked at him; his eyes were wise beyond his years.
Leela: Must be the new contacts.
"That Harry was the best speech I've ever heard." She said, thinking of nothing else,
Natalie: "Now let me worship the ground you walk on and the air you breathe!"
he gave her an amused look and they started talking about homework
Brynn: "I'll give you a galleon if you do my homework, Mione!"
and which teacher would be the new DADA professor.
Leela (as Harry): I think it should be me. I'm the smartest person in the entire school, after all.
She of course being the smartest witch next to Harry
Brynn: Harry's a witch?!
(not the witch part)
Natalie: Harry's a witch and Hermione's a wizard?!
responded eagerly.
Leela: Yes! It's over!
Brynn: Only fourteen more chapters to go!
Natalie: #&!
hr
Well, here it is. If you want to flame, go ahead and flame. If you want to report, go ahead and report. I don't care.