Author's Note and Disclaimer: Warning, contains in-joke, juvenile and/or parodic humour (well, mostly in-joke). Doctor Who is owned by the BBC. Other characters are owned by their respective owners. I do not own anything, possibly not even the story's incredibly silly premise.

Chapter 1: The Ultimate Gathering of Excellent Adventurers

"EXTERMINATE!"

Large pepper shaker-like cyborgs with an egg beater and a toiler plunger for arms roamed across the barren desert in search of survivors. Their long eye stalks, ending with a blue LED light, scanned the horizon, using advanced technological mumbo jumbo to detect both life and un-life. These so-called Daleks were the bane of life throughout the entire universe and for the unfortunate denizens of this planet, it was the end for them. Or was it really?

"Attack, my devout min- I mean followers! Kill these infidels! May their metal exteriors rot in the very depths of hell itself!"

A skinny, dark-skinned human sat cross-legged atop a small rocky plateau, wielding a submachine gun in one hand and a flame thrower in the other. He was bare-chested and wore tattered rags for pants. Below him, his followers swarmed out from every edifice that the the barren wasteland had to offer. Thousands of dark-skinned men in turbans charged the Daleks, firing their weapons into the sky as an intimidating gesture. Some had assault rifles, others had rocket launchers and bazookas, and yet others had katanas and scimitars. Some were even on fire. They swarmed around the Daleks like ants and the war between the armies of Snake Gandhi and the Daleks had begun in its most climactic earnest.

"EXTERMINATE!"

Bullets, rockets and blades struck the advanced force fields that protected the Daleks from harm, and they replied with death rays emitted from their egg beaters. Scores of men fell. Not a single Dalek fell. Things seemed grim for the devout followers of Snake Gandhi, but none would relent. Their forces were practically unlimited; how that was actually possible is not within the scope of this tale, but regardless, due to their logic-defying properties a follower would once in a while hit a weak spot and a Dalek would explode in flames of hot, fiery, burning glory.

Then the equivalent of a thermonuclear explosion rocked the heart of the battlefield, sending humans and Daleks flying. Several unusually-shaped Daleks with ridiculously over-sized weapon turrets emerged from beyond the horizon.

"Special weapons Daleks, EXTERMINATE all humans! EXTERMINATE Snake Gandhi!"

Another one of those Special Weapons Daleks opened fire. The ensuing explosion launched more humans and Daleks skyward.

Another explosion came, but this time the blast was centred around the group of Special Weapons Daleks. It was their turn to feel how it was to be sent skyward. At the source of the blast stood a human. Square-jawed, armed to the brim with all manner of strange weapons both imaginable and unimaginable, he calmly stepped forward and unleashed hell upon the Daleks with frickin' laser beams and plasma bolts.

"Who the fuck are you?" Snake Gandhi screamed at the newcomer. "Who dares to interrupt this most holy battle of battles?"

"I'm Killfuck Soulshitter, you asshole." And with that, he continued to mow down scores of Daleks with twin-linked Bobaser Maser Laser Raser Schmaser guns. "Come get some!"

"Mayday! Mayday! Request more reinforcements!" the Daleks screamed as the combined forces of Snake Gandhi and Killfuck Soulshitter wiped the floor with the Daleks.

In response to their mayday, the saucer-shaped Dalek mothership that was hovering high above the atmosphere launched new waves of flying Daleks. Those Daleks who were sent flying from the Special Weapons Daleks before also stopped flying skyward, and flew downward. "EXTERMINATE!" they screamed as they pelted the ground with death rays that brought fatal death to anything that they hit.

"Get down here and fight like a man!" Killfuck challenged as death rays glanced off his stasis shield.

"We are not like you humans!" the Daleks challenged and intensified their fire, concentrating their attack on Killfuck himself. The explosions kicked up a huge amount of dust, obscuring the aftermath of the Dalek's assault for dramatic effect. Then a gust of wind blew the dust cloud away, and Killfuck was still standing. But standing before him was a holy man, dressed in robes from ancient biblical times, and he stood in an awesome pose that would blind even the blind, thus making him even more awesome than Kung Fu Panda himself.

"Thanks for that dramatic entrance, Kung Fu Jesus."

"It keeps on coming and coming, doesn't it?" Snake Gandhi lifted his arms up in frustration.

"EXTERMINATE!" The Daleks renewed their assault on the duo, but Kung Fu Jesus simply stood with his feet rooted to the spot, moving his arms at blinding speed and deflecting the death rays with is bare hands. Some of the deflected bolts were thrown back towards the Dalek army, blowing up scores of their number in return.

"Daleks, we are no match for his kung fu! We must gattai to form Dalek Robo!"

"They're gonna gut some fucking Thais?" Killfuck asked.

"Preposterous!" Snake Gandhi replied.

Kung Fu Jesus' mouth moved, but the words that came from it were out of sync with his lips. "No, they are combining their power. Look!"

Multiple Daleks combined with one another, like smaller cogs of a larger whole, becoming a gigantic humanoid-shaped robot with an egg beater and a toilet plunger for arms. It raised its arms and lowered its pose, striking a kung fu stance that shook the very ground itself like an earthquake. It then threw a punch at Kung Fu Jesus, who parried the blow but was still thrown several hundred yards back and leaving a trail of sand and dust in his wake.

"Their kung fu is strong!"

Dakka dakka dakka dakka dakka! The sound of machine gun-fire rattled the air, as a bearded man with blond hair and a red headband emerged over the horizon firing at the gigantic Dalek Robo with a pair of automatic rifles. Some of the bullets ricocheted within the gaps and openings of the Dalek Robo, causing internal explosions. One arm was severed in the process, falling to the ground and exploding in the most spectacular fashion.

"Chuck Norris?!" Everyone exclaimed.

"What? Who?"

"You. You're Chuck Norris, aren't you?"

"Who me? No. Who the hell is this Chuck Norris dude anyway?"

Killfuck scratched his head. "So who the fuck are you anyway?"

"I'm called The Walker. I heard that you all needed some help, so here I am." The Walker fired another salvo towards the Dalek Robo's remaining arm and it too fell, exploding and showering the land in sparks and smoke.

"The Walker? Is that like some kind of Time Lord name or something?" Killfuck asked.

"Time who?"

"Nevermind."

"We will not be bested!" the remaining Daleks declared. "Emperor Dalek mothership, gattai!"

The enormous saucer hovering from above descended towards what remained of the Dalek Robo, and they began morphing. Like little mechanical nano-thingamajigs, bit by bit they shifted and reformed and became a bigger robot than Dalek Robo. "Ultimate Dalek Robo, complete!"

"Blast! I'm out of followers!" Snake Gandhi declared.

Frickin' lasers of death and destruction rained on the Ultimate Dalek Robo, but they simply bounced off its superdense armoured hull made out of plotonium. "It's immune to my weapons!" Killfuck Soulshitter said.

"Ngggggggggghhhhhhhhhh…" Kung Fu Jesus struck a pose, his fists clenched tightly by both sides of his waist. Mystical chi energy was drawn to him from the land, while rocks and other pieces of scenery began floating and orbiting around him for no particular reason. "Ngggggghhhhhhhhhhh…"

"Is he taking a dump or what?" Killfuck asked, scratching his head.

The Walker observed Kung Fu Jesus through some fancy eyepiece monocle thingy, and it clicked and beeped as high tech gadgets are wont to do. "His chi… it's over NINE…"

"…"

"That's it? Just nine?" Killfuck asked, perplexed.

"Nine DOTS, you dimwit! It's over nine DOTS! Do you know how much that's worth? How much XP it takes to get that far?"

Snake Gandhi, who had been listening in from atop his personal plateau, simply shrugged. "What is this I don't even…"

"Nggggggghhhhhhhhhh… Kung Fu Jesus Ultimate Galaxy Mega Nega Giga Heaven's Starlight Breaking Smasher… SHOOT!"

The biggest, most bad-ass beam this story has ever seen shot out from the outstretched palms of Kung Fu Jesus towards Ultimate Dalek Robo, but it was already prepared for the blast and fired off a Megadeath Ray of its own. The two beams collided in midstream, pushing against one another for dominance.

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaarrrgh!" Kung Fu Jesus grunted as he struggled to maintain the beam.

"Wait, since when does Kung Fu Jesus do beamspams?" Killfuck asked.

The Walker shrugged. "Beats me, Killfuck. Why don't you ask him yourself?"

But Kung Fu Jesus was unavailable for comment. Sweat drops trickled from his brow as he strained himself even harder to maintain his beam, but it looked like the Megadeath Ray was gaining ground, and soon it had nearly reached the outstretched palms of Kung Fu Jesus himself.

Then suddenly, the most pungent smell permeated the battlefield. Everyone was forced to cover their noses, except Snake Gandhi who was used to such earthen smells. "What the fuck is this?"

"Danger! Danger! Internal systems contamination detected!" The Ultimate Dalek Robo seemed to quaver, then its legs buckled and gave way before the entire thing toppled over, breaking up into a million Daleks. They showered the desert with a tremendous boom, kicking up sand everywhere. The ensuing explosion lit the sand cloud up with multicoloured lights as if it was the end of a stage play. The pungent smell persisted for a while before slowly dissipating and allowing everyone to regain their senses.

"That smell… you don't think…"

"Yes I do," The Walker answered Killfuck.

"Hey dudes, what's up?" A somewhat ordinary-looking potbellied man appeared from the dust, holding a packet of cheerios in one hand and a half-eaten pizza in the other. "Sorry I'm late, guys. Can I borrow somebody's dice? I left mine in the toilet."

"It's Catpiss Man!" everyone declared. "Run away! Run away!"

Before any of the said running could happen, however, a well-groomed middle-aged black man dressed in a white suit walked in from seemingly out of nowhere and greeted them all. "Ah, so everyone's gathered here at last."

"Morgan Freeman!" everyone exclaimed.

"Morgan who?"

"You! You're Morgan Freeman, aren't you?"

"Who, me? No, I'm God. What makes you think I am Morgan Freeman?"

"If you're God, why do you look like Morgan Freeman?" Snake Gandhi challenged.

"Look, I don't know where you get your ideas from, but this is how I look."

Killfuck spat to the ground. "Look dude, as much as I hate to say it, but that's not very convincing."

"Really? This is how you people greet your maker these days? For the last time, I'm God, goddammit."

"Does anyone else find it ironic that God himself said 'goddammit'?" The Walker asked.

"Everyone, this is going nowhere," Kung Fu Jesus said, spreading his hands to ask everyone to stand down. "So dad, what have you gathered us here for?"

"You are to address me as Father, you…" God sighed, placing his palm on his face. "Anyway, I've gathered the five of you here in order to-"

"To save the universe?" Snake Gandhi interrupted. He was met with a blank stare, so he continued. "That's what you were going to say, weren't you?"

"Well, not exactly…"

"But that's what you would say, wouldn't you? Why else would someone gather five great legends of the universe together? To make a campfire and sing happy songs?"

"Well, I was going to say, 'save the multiverse'. So technically, you're still wrong."

"Multiverse, schmultiverse," Snake Gandhi mumbled.

"What manner of foe would challenge God himself and threaten the very fabric of creation itself?" Kung Fu Jesus asked.

"It's 'multiverse'. And the answer to that, my sons, lies inside here." God produced a soft-cover book, its pages mostly in near-mint condition but with some pages already coming off from the book's spine. "Within this sacred tome lies the Rules of Creation. An enemy who calls himself the Suitor has entered this tome and is rewriting the rules to his or her own whims as we speak. It would cause an incredulous schism that would ripple throughout the multiverse, altering the laws of the universe to the Suitor's personal whims and fancy."

"By 'his or her', you mean you have no idea who or what this 'Suitor' is?" Killfuck asked.

"The Suitor is the most dangerous opponent that you shall ever face. Do not underestimate him or her. So heroes, please sally forth and enter this book, journeying throughout infinite worlds in search of this Suitor and save the multiverse, for the sake of the multiverse and everyone in the multiverse!"

"He's not even listening," Killfuck said.

The Walker simply shrugged. "He also said 'multiverse' three times."

"Silence!" Kung Fu Jesus looked pissed. "Why do you bicker amongst yourselves when the very fabric of creation itself is at stake? Why can't we set aside our petty differences and take on this most noble quest as bequeathed by my dad?"

"It's 'multiverse'. And 'father'."

Snake Gandhi nodded in agreement, though no one was looking in his direction to notice. "The very peace of the multiverse is at stake! I for one will not stand to that! I shall go."

"Aye," Killfuck agreed.

"I shall abide by dad's request," Kung Fu Jesus said.

"'Father'."

"If that's the decision, what the hell. Count me in," The Walker said. "But will someone wake Catpiss Man up please?"

"I'll do it," Killfuck said with a sigh, then proceeded to give the lad a swift kick in the rear with his hardened boot.

"Sorry, did I miss anything?" Catpiss Man said as he shot up, now fully alert. "Is it time for combat yet?"

"You. Into book. Now," Killfuck instructed.

So God held the book containing the Rules of Creation wide open, nearly cracking the spine in the process. The words within the book began to glow, and soon the whole two-page spread glowed with bright light. It was like a beacon, a light at the end of the tunnel, and the five of them were sucked in. To what end? What further adventures await these five?

Only the author knows!

Epilogue:

"Wait guys, I think I got the name wrong," God announced, but everyone had already stepped into the book. "Oh well, I guess it doesn't really matter now."

He shut the book and heaved a long sigh, staring out into the starry night sky like all wise men beyond their years are wont to do.

"Suitor, Suethor, what's the difference anyway?"

END. (apparently, probably, for now, etc)

Author's Note: Alright, I suppose this is the part where you pelt me with rotten vegetables. :-)