An Afternoon in Zarneo
Written by Nidonemo
Inspired by Animal Crossing: Wild World for the Nintendo DS
A young human boy with brown hair and blue eyes stared up at the afternoon sky, bug catching net on shoulder, his shirt bright blue with a yellow star burst. As he plodded up towards a small, two story house with a brown roof, his hand reached for the doorknob. However, the door did not open, as the distinct sound of a fluid splashing against flora distracted him.
"What the...is someone...?" he mumbled to himself as he walked around the corner of his house to spot a dark blue colored pig urinating upon a flowerbed in the back yard. The bug catching net fell from his hands as his eyes widened in shock.
"HUGH!" the boy shouted, startling the blue pig, causing him to spray a bit uncontrollably. The blue pig finished urinating, and turned to face the boy.
"Why are you peeing on my flowers!?" the boy screamed, fists clenched, and an accusing finger pointed directly at the pig.
"Oh! Hi Zach! Your flowers looked thirsty!" the blue pig answered with a smile. The human boy's left eye twitched.
"...thirsty? They looked thirsty? You are PEEING on my FLOWERS because they looked THIRSTY!?" Zach screamed in disbelief. Hugh nodded, smiling.
"Yep!" he said, smiling even wider. Zach closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Hugh...zip up your pants...right now..." he said, exasperated. Hugh bent down and pulled up his pants, then zipped them up. Zach put his hands on his waist.
"Hugh...do you know how hard it is to impress the Happy Room Academy? Do you even have the slightest clue?!" Zach demanded, stomping the dirt.
"I'm helping!" Hugh replied, oblivious of the fact Zach was quite annoyed.
"No, you're not. You are peeing on my daisies. That doesn't help, Hugh, it really doesn't."
"I like orange furniture. Hint hint!"Hugh said, winking. Zach let out an aggravated sigh.
"I don't really care if you do. No, I am not going to give you any if I find it either! In fact, I have to find daisy seeds now, since you decided to 'water my garden'."
Just then a large green hippopotamus ran up and screeched to a halt in front of Zach.
"Zach! I painted your roof! You like brown, right?" the hippopotamus declared proudly.
"Rocco, no, I hate brown can you just wai- WHAT!? YOU DID WHAT TO MY ROOF!? I JUST HAD THAT PAID OFF! THAT HOUSE UPGRADE COST ME A FORTUNE! I WAS LUCKY TO GET MY ROOF PAINTED BLUE AGAIN!" the human screamed, rage burning in his eyes. Rocco simply shrugged indifferently.
"Well, now it's brown." he grunted. A vein on Zach's forehead rose to the surface. The sound of a zipper unzipping could be heard.
"Hugh, zip it up! Now!"
The zipper zipped upwards again.
"Well, you should have said something then." Rocco said, folding his arms.
"Said so WHEN!?" You never ASKED me!"
"Sure I did, last night." Rocco replied. Zach went silent while he took a moment to think. His pupils shrunk to tiny dots as he realized what the green hippo meant.
"Was that YOU banging on my door at three in the morning!? What the hell is WRONG with you!? I was fishing all day long to pay off a loan and you expect me to be AWAKE at that ungodly hour!?" Zach screamed.
"It's my new training exercise!"Rocco proclaimed, puffing out his chest and giving it a solid thump with his fist. Behind them a zipper unzipped itself.
"Hugh, put that away, or I will put it away FOR you and I don't care if it gets caught in the zipper!" Zach growled.
The sound of a zipper zipping up again could be heard.
"TRAINING!? Painting other people's rooftops at three in the morning without their permission is an EXERCISE PROGRAM to you!?"
"Yeah! Like my new cottage cheese and sardine diet!" Rocco responded, quite proud of himself. Zach's rage simply faded and was replaced by a look of nausea and horror.
"...that's just nasty. You're a sick fuck, man. You're a sick, sick fuck!" Zach said shaking his head.
Yet again, a zipper was heard. The vein that had disappeared from Zach's forehead had reappeared, and began to pulse.
"Hugh, last warning. So help me I'll RIP it off!" Zach snarled.
The zipper was sealed once more.
"Rocco, that is it. I'm sorry, but this has to be illegal in some way, shape, or form." Zach said, turning and heading off towards the town gate.
"Booker gave me the paint." Rocco called after him. Zach stopped, hung his head and sighed.
"That's not funny, man! Booker has problems with confrontation, you know that as well as I do! I've had it with you muscling up around him, demanding crap like that! The only reason I haven't gone to Copper is that I want Booker to finally stand up for himself!" Zach said, quite irritated.
"Booker is a weenie." Rocco huffed.
"Well you're an asshole! Give me three good reasons why I shouldn't grab my axe and behead you today!" Zach screamed in Rocco's face.
"I like orange furniture." Hugh commented, smiling.
"Shut up, Hugh!" Zach replied.
It was then that a blue duck ran up quite excitedly and waved an envelope in Zach's face.
"Hey! Hey! Zach! Let me show you a letter! Please! Please! Please!" the duck pleaded, obviously overstimulated. Zach turned to face the blue duck, his eyes twitching and his teeth grit.
"I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR FUCKING LETTER! I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT NOW, I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE IT TEN MINUTES AGO, AND I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT IN AN HOUR! GO AWAY, PATE!" the human boy roared, fists clenched and blood pressure rising.
"I bet I can catch a sea bass before you can, Zach!" Hugh proclaimed, as if the previous conversations had never happened. Zach glared at the pig.
"Why stop at sea bass, Hugh? Why don't you try to catch HERPES!?" Zach yelled, close to ripping his own hair out of his head.
"Is that a bug or a fish?" Hugh asked, turning to Pate, who in response simply shrugged. Zach sighed and leaned against his door.
"God damned E-rated bullshit..." he grumbled, pounding his door.
"I'm hungry, do you have any food?" Rocco asked, rubbing his stomach.
"No, but I have an axe and a shovel and about one hundred acres to hide the body..." Zach replied under his breath. At that point his eyes widened and a smile grew across his face. "That's it!" he exclaimed excitedly.
"What?" Rocco asked, curious. Zach looked at him with an evil glare, as he picked up his axe.
"Poor little tree..." he whispered with a giggle. Rocco's eyes widened, his usual proud expression of self satisfaction drained into a look of horror.
"N-no! Don't! Zach! Don't! Please!" Rocco begged the now crazed and exhausted looking human.
"Poor...little...tree! Gonna go...CHOP...IT...DOWN!" Zach declared with an insane giggle and a wild swirl of madness in his eyes.
"No! Stop! You can't!" the green hippopotamus begged, tears in his eyes.
"Apple tree...pine tree...poor...little...tree!" Zach said as he ran into the distant evening, giggling.
"No! Please! Leave the trees alone!" Rocco called after, tears streaming from his eyes as he gave chase and disappeared after Zach.
Pate and Hugh were left standing in the cool evening breeze. The sun slowly setting over the horizon, a chilly wind blowing from the nearby seashore. A crow passed overhead and cawed. Hugh then looked to Pate, then to the cold, trampled daises at their feet.
"Those flowers look very thirsty!" Hugh declared, as he proceeded to unzip his pants and urinate upon the abused blossoms. An excited Pate clapped his hands.
"Yay! Watering flowers!" the duck squealed, following his neighbor's action and unzipping his own pants.
The two stood there, grinning for all the world, their groins exposed to mother earth and all the land around them.
They didn't see him behind them...his eyes red with bloodthirsty intent. All they heard was his deep, menacing, demonic voice...
"STOP PEEING IN MY GARDEN!"
...swiftly followed by the swing of a blood spattered axe.
The End.