An Ode to Mary Sue
A one-shot. This has been written for my birthday, which is today (and, of course, I almost forget to upload it...).
I own nothing except my overly devious mind. I hope I don't scar you for life. For the record, I used three Mary-Sue tests, Wikipedia, TV Tropes, a handful of pages dedicated to the meanings of names, a couple of pictures, a numerology thingy, and Google Translate to make this story. I own none of this, nor do I own Tales of Symphonia, but I'm eternally grateful to those that do. THANK YOU, CREATORS!
Please read on…if you dare.
Oh, and I promise you that it will not be horrendous for the entire thing. I am Doodlebugg, after all. Heh.
"Hi mah nam ish Halley Artemisia Serenity-Aura Inan'na Mina Tomiko Mist Asher Calista Blaize Harmony Shenandoah," she said. "Butt u cen called mee 'Godddes' or 'Prinsess.'" The girl was petite, even for a fifteen-year-old, but everyone said that it added to her cuteness. She had a particular scent about her at all times, even after gym. She always smelled of freshly-picked lavender in the summer sun. She had long, flowing waist-length hair the color of a raven's wing in the moonlight. When caught in the light, a deep violet tint appeared in the soft waves. Most people said that she looked like Katy Perry, except that she was much hotter and sexier. Her large eyes, a haunting and radiant emerald, reflected her wisdom and emotions. They could change colors, too. When she was sad, the color shifted to a glowing, lustrous sapphire. When she was angered, her piercing orbs of green became a haunting, yet opulent, ruby. When she was in love, which had happened quite a few times, they turned a captivating, dazzling, and gorgeous shade of purple. It may have been strange, and it was impossible to hide her emotions, but she managed. She was also telepathic. And she could fly, even though she didn't have a Cruxis Crystal…yet. But she would get one. She was actually working on that at the moment in her science facility. She was the most renowned scientist in the world.
She took a deep breath before continuing. "Every1 Ive evr met hav sed dat i cood b a sooper modul. I ges their write, becasue ive nevr hrd any difrent. Mah hobys includ righting, drawwing, n cumposing moosic. Iv alredy publishd 7 compleet seerys, 400 songz, nd almos 500 drawngs an payntngs. 4 a wile, i wuz ut uv skool, atcing ad syngng wenevr some1 begd me." Today, she wore a tight, ebony, leather dress that showed her perky, large breasts. The dress was small and showed off her sumptuous legs, making her look taller. On the back of the dress was an oversized, hot pink satin bow that billowed when she walked. Black, five-inch stilettos made her look close to the average height, but not quite. She didn't care that it was not appropriate for the dress code; she wanted—no, needed—to make a good impression on her first day.
"Okay, Halley…please have a seat," the teacher said. Halley flipped her gorgeous black tresses behind her shoulders and sauntered down the rows of students until she found an empty seat. I jsut watn 2 goh hom, she thought. Why did her parents make her go to school, anyway? Oh, well. At least she was graduating at the end of this semester, which was in three weeks. Thank the world. She was grateful that her IQ was over one hundred seventy-five. Unfortunately, that had gotten her kicked out of several schools for trying to teach her teachers.
Halley's parents were always moving around—mostly because of her, but it still sucked. They weren't even her real parents, anyway. She had been abandoned at an early age, and then taken in by abusive foster parents. When she had finally worked up the courage to call the police, they took her to a new home, which is where she lived now. Her new parents were rich. Her mother was a famous clothing designer, a singer, and an actress. Her father worked for the government. Actually, he was the president. It was nice because she was an only child and therefore got anything and everything she could ever desire, but it was hard when there was no one around. But she'd gotten used to it. What else could she do?
She sat in her desk, daydreaming whilst ignoring the advances by all of the guys around her. Sometimes it was hard being super beautiful. It felt as if she was cursed sometimes. Why did she have to be so perfect?
As the day wore on, she made friends with all of the people in her classes because everyone was so captivated with her beauty, intelligence, and wit that they threw themselves at her feet, worshipping the ground that she walked on. She tried to help them keep their dignity, but they refused her help and gladly threw it to the wind in order to be her friend.
And now, at five o'clock that day, she sat in her giant room filled with designer furniture, all imported from France and Japan. Her kotatsu table sat in the very middle of the room with a china tea set atop it. Bookshelves that lined the walls held thousands of volumes of manga and light novels, and the spaces of wall that weren't covered with books were filled by the posters of dozens of anime. A mahogany desk that matched all of the wood in her room sat diagonally in the corner with a big Mac desktop computer placed upon it. Her slim Mac Book Air lay underneath the plush comforter on her king-sized bed. She walked into her closet, which was the size of her room and her parents' room combined, and examined her clothes. Around two hundred pairs of shoes of all colors and shapes lined the floor, and purses by all the major designers in the world covered the wall nearest to her. On hangars and in her dressers were tens of thousands of possible outfits, complete with accessories. Everything was hand-made specifically for her, of course.
Satisfied with herself, Halley flung her body onto her oversized bed and whipped out her iPod. She scrolled through her two thousand songs and chose her favorite, then began playing a game she chose at random from her enormous list.
Suddenly, she stopped, feeling a little put-off. She had an urge. It was a strong urge, and she walked over to her forty-two-inch plasma-screen television, attempting to satiate her thirst for whatever she wanted. She browsed the gaming consoles she owned. PlayStation 3, PlayStation 2, Wii, Game Boy, Nintendo DS, PlayStation Portable, Game Boy Color, Nintendo 64, NES, Xbox, Xbox 360, Dreamcast, SNES…plus more. She owned every game console ever sold in America. Still, none of the hundreds of thousands of games that she owned felt right, until she spotted her GameCube.
"Mah GameCube!" she exclaimed softly to herself, her luscious red lips spouting the words with perfect formation. Halley knelt down and examined the six hundred forty corresponding games. "Lesee…Legend of Zelda, Luigi's Mansion…Harvest Moon, Eisei Meijin VI, Frogger…Tales of Symphonia!" She picked up the game right away and hugged it, remembering when she had played that game day and night, trying to finish her sixtieth play through. Oh, how she loved that game!
Sighing happily, she put the game into her GameCube and turned on her television. The wonderful game loaded, and she smiled at her memory of the game.
She clicked on the "Continue" option when the main screen appeared, and then scrolled through the list of completed loads, newly started loads, and halfway finished loads until she found her most recent one. She was almost done with that load, as well; she needed only to defeat the super awesome Lord Yggdrasill. She pressed the "A" button and waited.
And then everything went black.
The black abyss of darkness swam around her. The temperature of her surroundings was both chilled and scorching at the same time. The blackness was familiar and distant. It was comforting and threatening. The contradictions challenged her mind and she struggled to breathe, jerking her mind away from the darkness. But everywhere she went, all she could see were the shadows.
Suddenly, she felt as if she were falling. She couldn't actually see if she was, but her body tensed and the warm and cool air rushed past her face. Where was she falling?
The sensation continued for quite some time, until a small flicker of a light could be seen. A light! That meant that there was an exit to this gloom, after all! She tried to direct her body to fall toward the light, and it moved closer with every passing second. Soon the light began to engulf her. Now, in the place of the darkness, there was a blinding white light. She squinted against the harsh luminosity in attempt not to blind herself.
But the radiance lasted only for a few seconds. The brightness faded, and her feet landed on hard, solid ground. Sighing in relief, she looked around for familiarity. And then she frowned.
The atmosphere was a dark purple mixed with black, and she stood upon a hard chunk of a rock that had some sort of red emblem drawn upon it with what looked like blood. Behind her rested two enormous doors that were probably the height of seventeen of herself put together. Another large rocked floated in the air a ways away, and she could make out the figure of an effeminate villain speaking nonsense.
Why was she here? How could it be? Why had her life-long dream finally come true now?
Accepting—possibly a little too quickly—the fact that she had been sucked into Tales of Symphonia, she decided to look herself over, because it would just be the worst thing ever if her hair was out of place. When she looked down, she gasped as waves of golden blonde tresses flowed like a waterfall over her shoulders, bouncing curls evident as the locks hung there, suspended in the air. Now her hair was blonde? As she examined the curls, she decided that she liked them. It could only add to her already existing beauty. After the initial shock of her new hair, she finished looking herself over. She noticed that she wore a long, thin, off-white cloth tunic that came to about mid-thigh with a tight, wide leather belt wrapped around it. On her feet were brown sandals with a three-inch heel on the back. Would this restrict her movements? Of course not. A large sword hung in a scabbard at her waist, and she could feel the weight of a quiver on her back. Two weapons? That was very nice. It was a good thing that she now knew how to professionally use each just by being aware of their existance. For some reason, she wore no pants, the tunic serving as a dress. She felt like a powerful Roman warrior standing there.
She then looked around her at the ground, examining the drawn emblem with curiosity. Then, even though it was impossible with the dim lighting, a glint of light bounced off of a small stone to her right. She walked over and picked it up. "Iz dis…a Exospheer? Nu! It's a Crushis Krystal!" she exclaimed, overjoyed at her find. Another flash of light came from beside her and she bent down to pick up a strange piece of ore with strange carvings on it—naturally, though, she knew exactly what it said, because she was well-versed in every single language known to man. After reading the words written in the angelic language, she proclaimed, "Dis iz an Roon Krest!" She quickly equipped the two. Now she was an angel! She'd always wanted to be an angel—or, at least, an angel as portrayed in this game. Because she was an Atheist—religion was too primitive for her—she wanted no dealings with heaven or any other afterlife.
She had accepted the fact that she'd been sucked into her favorite video game, but her ridiculously observant and productive mind kept asking questions about how she arrived here, why she had arrived at this particular moment in the game, and how she would get back.
She didn't have much time to think, however, because, at that moment, the two big doors opened to reveal Lloyd, Colette, Genis, Raine, Regal, Zelos, Presea, and Sheena. Scared out of her mind at the sudden movements and sounds, Halley whipped around, shouting "Judgment!"
Beams of white, concentrated light descended from the sky, and from her back appeared a pair of sparkling, translucent, white wings. Contrary to popular belief, it did not hurt when they first emerged, because she had never been able to feel any pain whatsoever.
The cast of Tales of Symphonia dodged the beams of Judgment as they came crashing down where they once stood. This lasted for about five minutes, and when it finally stopped, everyone looked out of breath.
"What…the…hell?" Zelos mumbled, shooting a pointed glare at her.
"Sory. I gess u shoodnt sneek up on mee," Halley responded, shrugging her shoulders.
"Why are you talking like that?" Raine asked, confused at the dialogue Halley used.
"Dis iz da write way 2 speek. Iz sumting rong wif mah gramer?" she challenged, taking her finely-crafted sword out of its scabbard and holding it threateningly in front of her.
"Uh…no, we don't," Lloyd said nervously, causing Halley to replace her blade back into its sheathe. "So, what's your name?"
"Mah namez Haley Artamesya Sernity-Ora Inana Meena Tomi—mmph!" she began, but was cut off when Genis covered her mouth.
"That's too long of a name. What? Did you give it to yourself?" he mocked.
"Yess," she responded.
"Then why in the worlds can't you spell it correctly?" Genis raged.
"…I love you," a person in the back said, directing it at Halley, who smiled happily. She was loved even in a different world! Everyone spun around to face Regal, who had just spoken.
"Wh-what? Regal, what are you saying?" Sheena asked, shocked senseless.
"I…don't know," he admitted. "It must be her." Regal pointed to the girl that had appeared from nowhere.
"Yes…I have seen her kind before. She has the qualities of a…" Raine trailed off, and the others strained to hear the words that she didn't say.
"What? What is she, Professor?" Colette asked innocently.
Raine looked away from the luminescent eyes of Halley and whispered, "…A…Mary-Sue."
Everyone gasped, quickly rushing away from her before something else happened.
"What the…?" Zelos then yelled, jumping about a foot in the air. Everyone present looked to him to see that she was now shirtless. "Where'd my shirt go?"
"Oh, no! It's happening!" Presea screams uncharacteristically.
"Wait!" Genis yells. "Why is this now in present tense?"
"i thot itt wood b uh nise varyashon," Halley explains.
"Change it back!" Regal yells.
Halley shrugs her shoulders in defeat. "Fin," she said.
"Phew," Lloyd breathed. "That was strange."
"Halley!" Zelos then called, breaking the short silence that had settled over them.
"Goddesss," she said, glaring.
"Whatever. I'm threatened by your good looks! I challenge you to a duel!" the man shouted.
Halley raised her eyebrows, but then shrugged. She calmly nodded, then whispered, "Fireball." Zelos was engulfed by the flames that had appeared. The spell she had cast was ten times stronger than anything Genis had ever casted, even though it was only a novice spell.
Suddenly, Yuan emerged from Halley's Plot Hole, escorted by none other than Spartacus and Socrates.
"Yuan?" Lloyd looked at the three men who had just appeared out of thin air.
"What am I…what am I doing here? I was just about to…take a…shower…" Yuan looked down and blushed a bright red when he saw that the only thing covering him was a plush, white towel.
"That makes two shirtless men in this room. Awkwardness level rising," Presea reported.
Yuan then looked back up, holding the towel tighter around him. He gazed into the now-pink eyes of Halley, and the Renegade leader's legs turned to jelly. He fell onto the floor before her feet, pulling a perfect red rose from…somewhere. "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever had the pleasure of laying my eyes upon. It's the only thing keeping me alive, I fear, as you have already taken my heart."
"Yuna…" Halley whispered, taking the rose and examining it.
"My name is…Yuan…" the half-elf said, teary-eyed.
"Rite," the short girl confirmed, and the two began kissing randomly.
"No!" Sheena suddenly said, compelled by whatever toxins the Mary-Sue was emitting. "I want you for myself!" she yelled at Halley.
"Now there's yuri, too?" Raine mumbled, placing her head in her hands.
Lloyd brought his hands to his head and gripped his hair in frustration, screaming, "What's going on?"
But the worst had yet to come. A blinding light swept through the area, coming from the emblem underneath the group. When the light dulled, a massive mound of bodies were piled high, one on top of the other. A few of said bodies included Kratos, Dirk, a dog, a cat, a random priest from Luin, Iselia's mayor, one of the Altamira Bunny Girls, Phaidra, Frank, Botta—even though he had been long dead, five Desians and five Renegades who then began fighting each other, Tamaki Suoh, Mitsukuni Haninozuka, Takashi Morinozuka, Kyoya Ohtori, Nekozawa, Hikaru and Kaoru Hitachiin, Haruhi Fujioka, Haruhi Suzumiya, Mary-Kate and Ashley, Edward Elric, Roy Mustang, Billie Joe Armstrong, Ashley Tisdale, Miley Cyrus, Vic Mignogna, a baby, a Barbie Doll, Link, Zelda, all of the Hetalia: Axis Powers characters, which included, but were not limited to, America, Italy, Romano, Germany, Japan, Russia, China, Cuba, Canada, France, England, Liechtenstein, Switzerland, Sweden, Greece, and Austria, and Martel—even though she, too, was long dead.
Seeing the latter even though he was, at the moment, still soulless, Yggdrasill warped down to meet his sister. They hugged and cried and had a happy reunion after four thousand years of being separated.
(A/N: I'm writing a random, unrelated Author's Note! Muahaha!)
Meanwhile, everyone else who had just appeared climbed off of each other, looking hopelessly confused. No one could blame them; most of them had come from completely different worlds. They all kind of looked around, trying to explain what had happened, until they met Halley's eyes. Halley was floating in the air above them, looking like a bright goddess against the bleak and obsolete sky of Derris-Kharlan. The newcomers fell to their knees instantly, shaking as they did so. Being in the presence of such beauty made them weak.
"I love you!" every single person announced at the exact same time—even the cat and dog. It was as if they'd practiced, but they did not. Halley's perfectness had unified them.
"I has sumting 2 sayy, ebry1!111" Halley shouted, her voice ringing out over the crowd that was clustered together on the small rock. "I wants 2 share mah politikal views wif u! I tink we shood al gets alung. We shood be happi wif wut we has nd nut fite eech udder ebr."
"We agree!" everyone then shouted, completely ignoring what they had always been taught and thus thought themselves.
Halley thought back to the times at her old school. There, she had everyone convinced that her way was the right way. She thought of her friends and realized that…"Oh noez! I cant rimembur anyting! i has gots amnesia!112"
Raine and Regal facepalmed.
And then, a swarm of flying animals came from seemingly nowhere, attracted to Halley. There was a Pegasus, a parrot, a dove, a dragon, a random flying pig, and a frog on the back of that pig! Then, on the ground, a wolf, a unicorn, a monkey, and a horse came through the door in which Lloyd and his group had first entered. "I has aminal conpanyonz!" she exclaimed and lovingly petted each one.
"Wow. This is ridiculous," Kratos commented.
"At least you weren't here for the yuri," Raine mumbled.
Then Halley randomly announced, "Nd Now I is sing 4 u!
"I'm a Barbie girl
In the Barbie world!"
Her voice resonated through the air with such precision and clarity that everyone present instantly fell into a trance, charmed by her enchanting voice. But her charm didn't last long, because Germany then shook his head and shouted, "Enough!" He grabbed his gun from seemingly nowhere and fired. But he missed and instead hit Lloyd in the back of the head.
"O noez! Llyod!" Halley shrieked, flying over to the teen as fast as she could. She placed her hand on his head and closed her eyes. A bright green light engulfed her hand and Lloyd's wound.
"What is that ominous light that threatens to engulf you?" Regal asked, causing everyone to roll their eyes except for Halley, who giggled fangirlishly. The light faded, and Lloyd rose from the dead.
Lloyd looked around at the scenery. "I'm alive? Holy crap! No! I'm in Hell!"
"You are alive, Lloyd," Presea said monotonously.
Raine examined the crowd of Original Characters. "…Can you guys leave? We're already trying to handle one messed-up girl. We don't need this rock collapsing in on itself under the weight, too."
All of the people and animals that were not from the Tales of Symphonia fandom all grumbled and disappeared into the warp pad, returning to where they came from.
Now leaving only Yuan, Lloyd, Genis, Raine, Colette, Sheena, Kratos, Regal, Mithos, Martel, Botta, Dirk, Frank, Phaidra, Zelos, Presea, the Renegades, the Desians, the priest, the mayor, the Bunny Girl, and Halley, the group decided their next move.
"Alright, Mithos! Change your ways and don't be bad anymore!" Lloyd said stupidly, apparently still recovering from dying.
Yggdrasill beamed. "I have already changed! I have become friends with Princess and now I have reformed! Let's all eat cake and have a party!"
Zelos blinked. "…What?"
'Hahaha! Just kidding! That friendship could only last when she's holding me captive and looking at me with those freakish eyes of hers," he cackled.
"Hay! Mah I's rnt freekish!" Halley protested.
"Could've fooled me," Kratos said under his breath.
Yggdrasill shrugged it off. "Now, prepare to die!" He shot one of his crazy mana beams at Lloyd. Halley intercepted the crash and took the blow for herself.
"Ah!" she screeched as she hit the floor.
"Halley!" Genis called, but then the Mary-Sue began laughing.
"Hoo is i kidng? I cant feal payne! Hahaha!" she laughed. Then she got up and dusted herself off. "Now u cans dye!" She took out her bow and shot Yggdrasill in the side at lightning fast speed, readying another arrow within a second of taking the bow out.
"Ugh! My…spleen," Yggdrasill murmured as he fell to the floor in pain. "I should punish you for that, you insolent brat, but I will spare you."
"K tanks," she said. "I new u wud, 2."
Mithos was stunned. "Huh?"
"U liek me," she said simply, filing her nails with a file that she pulled out of Hammerspace.
"How did you guess?"
Halley rolled her eyes. "Ebry1 luvs me. Duh."
Kratos spoke up suddenly. "I have something to say."
"What is it, Da-Kratos?" Lloyd asked.
"Halley…is my daughter."
Everyone gasped.
"Ish dat y u abandund me?" Halley asked, shocked.
"…Yes."
"Well, crap. I'm related to a freaking Mary-Sue," Lloyd grumbled. Halley shot a Fireball at him.
"Don't flam me! Im NUT a Mary Sue! U don't eben no whut a Mary Su iz! so shut up, prep!" she yelled as she watched Lloyd burn.
Lloyd patted the patched of fire on his jacket rapidly. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Nuting," she said simply.
Raine whispered to Kratos, "This is your fault."
Again, randomly, Mithos began laughing. "Hahahah! Now I shall kidnap you because I love you!" He grabbed Halley by the waist and began to drag her upwards toward his throne place.
Genis, Raine, Lloyd, Kratos, Zelos, Regal, and Yuan all began running for her. "No! Hey! Wait; stop!" Yuan begged. "I don't want to save her!" His feet would not obey his brain, and he kept chasing after the two.
Mary-Sue—I mean Halley—struggled against Mithos' arms and broke free using her kickass ninja skills. Had she mentioned that she was also a famous ninja?
"Dy, Mitohs!" she shouted, and she unleashed a giant explosion unto his head. His skin incinerated and soon, he was dead.
"Please…destroy my crystal," Mithos begged. "I don't want to be this way forever."
"Halley…you do it," Lloyd offered. He handed her his Flamberge.
"O no tanmks. I has a Flanberg alredy." She unsheathed her sword, which everyone now realized was an exact duplicate of Lloyd's powerful sword.
"Oh, come on!" Lloyd complained. "Does she have to take everything away from us?"
"Yes," Regal explained, rolling his eyes.
"She's a Mary-Sue; it's in the handbook," Raine backed up.
Lloyd folded his arms across his chest. "…Piss-off!"
Then Halley slashed her Flamberge through the floating Cruxis Crystal perfectly, breaking it into two clean halves. Mithos' mana flowed out of it, and, instead of going into Lloyd's Exsphere, thus turning him into an angel, it went to Halley, whose wings grew to be about twice the size and extra sparkly.
"Yay!" she cheered. "I has a wingz!"
"You know what?" Colette said suddenly, getting everyone's attention. "I've had about enough of this. This damn Mary-Sue crap has pushed me to the edge. And when I say edge, I mean edge." She glared at the girl who was floating in the air. "You are going to die now." Colette flew up to Halley and shouted, "Ring Whirlwind!"
This successfully sliced the victim in half, thus killing her.
"Colette…" Lloyd breathed.
"I…wasn't aware that you could think like that…" Genis said, confused.
"Yeah! Go, Colette! You rule, Babe!" Zelos cheered.
Colette giggled, "Teehee!" and then they all went home, leaving Mary-Sue chunks all over Mithos' manor-place.
FIN
That was way too fun to write. And yes; everything in there was purposeful, including Sue's dialogue and the long name. Her first name is named after me, there's an apostrophe and a hyphen, a boyish name, and all of them mean something. Oh, and don't forget the Japanese name. Or Colette's OOC-ness. One hundred percent purposeful.
I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. If you had trouble reading Halley's dialogue, I'm sorry. I tried to make it phonetically similar to what she was saying while still having all of the errors.
Thank you for reading this. And happy birthday to me and you! Hope you enjoyed your present! Even though it's late!
By the way, if you're looking for a good read, then go check out kuroneko99. She has awesome ideas, and I am so happy that she finally posted something on here. She has three stories. Go read them. Rawr.