A Very Special Kain Christmas party
~In which the author goes crazy crazier than usual~
Kain sat atop his throne, looking bored, really bored. So bored in fact that the monotonous sound of Zephon smacking his head against the wall three rooms down had become a familiarity. So boring, that the bickering of the Wraith and Vampire Raziel going on in the corner of the throne room was no longer a bother. So boring.
"WE GET IT!" Kain snapped, jerking his head.
Sorry. Was just trying to lay the mood-
"Oh shut up, you haven't changed in your style all these years. It's still complete and utter idiocy. The only real difference is that we're now talking in proper english because the rules regarding 'script' speech are about as coherent as a ghost in New York!"
~Somewhere in Wisconsin~
A man is walking down the street in times square when a sad looking ghost suddenly pops out of thin air.
"Please... My family must know that before I died, I-"
The man walks on past the specter.
"Bleep you!"
~Back at Kain's place~
"And those Family Guy style cutaways still suck like the ones from the Blood Omen 2 parody! What makes you think they're funny now?" Kain asked with a scowl.
Because shut up.
"Oh geez, a Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged joke, how original. What's next, is Raziel gonna get drunk and Zephon will say something stupid?" The vampire ruler sarcastically rolled his eyes to the sky. Just then the doors of the throne room flung open and Zephon ran in, wearing polka dotted overalls and a lobster pinching both of his nipples.
"Agggh! Get it off! Get it off! I only wanted to hug it!" The dim witted vampire screamed, bumping past the two Raziels, the wraith one holding a bottle of beer.
"Heeeeyy, watc wher yur goin, you twpppt!" He slurred before pulling back his cowl slightly to take another swig. Kain watched the antics of both of his sons with little change in expression.
"You still don't explain how he's drinking. Despite the lack of a lower jaw, a stomach, or any real internal body parts." He jerked a hand towards Wraith Raziel, who was now arguing with a potted plant that he presumed had called him a 'block fearing ninny'.
Your point? It's funny.
"That doesn't cut it!" Kain hollered, a vain appearing in his temple. Hey, double joke! Kain rhymes with Vain, and Temple is part of Simon Templeman's na-
"OH JUST GIVE IT A REST AND JUST TELL US WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE!" Kain stood up and screamed into the air, drawing perplexed looks from the two Raziels, Zephon, the lobster, and a man in a top hat and monocle sipping on tea.
Fine, Mr. Grouchy McGrouchinstein. I have decided that you poor bastards are in need of a come back. It's been way too long since there's been a parody story-
"Yea, that you've bothered to read. There have been some stories with humorous elements since you and the other authors left." Kain pointed out, waiting for a response.
Anyway... I feel it's high time that you guys did another holiday special. Mostly to make up for that fiasco where the idiots mods deleted my second attempt at a New Year's bit just because of the format. There'll be jokes! Drinking! Pointless and lame references!
"Moebius getting raped, or killed, or both, or sent to Woodstock." Kain twirled a claw around in mock enthusiasm.
Well don't go and spoil everything!
"Just start the damn story already!" Kain said, exasperated, clutching his head with both claws in frustration.
...Ok.
"So a Christmas party? Oh, can we do secret Santas?" Zephon asked, the lobster no longer latched onto his chest, scurrying away to who knows where.
"That sounds stupid." Vampire Raziel said. Zephon puffed his cheeks and gave a pouting frown.
"But why not?" The dim witted second youngest asked.
"Because it's not cool when we act like we like each other." The wraith Raziel said, no longer plastered. Kain, still on his throne, smacked his head at the Dethklok joke.
"Oh my god damn it..."
~Several hours later~
The Throne room looked quite different. Still kinda menacing... but in a Christmas-y sort of way. A tree was propped up on the throne, supported by wires attached to the funky 'claw' like thing behind it. Lights and other brightly lit decorations covered the room, and tables were laid out with food and gifts occupying them. Music was playing from a sound system set up by Dumah, who of course insisted on playing his favorite pop artist, but was swiftly rebuffed by everyone at the party.
"Oh come on, just because she went a little crazy doesn't mean her music isn't good anymore." The brutish looking vampire pouted, despite the fact that no one was really listening to him. The guardians were discussing amongst themselves, mostly about their careers, namely the failed attempts at different jobs after the dissolution of the circle.
"Well of course I had my PhD in psychology to fall back on, but apparently you can't get a grant when it's been found out you stitched your mouth and eyes closed, and turned all of your coworkers into sociopaths." Nupraptor grumbled, taking a sip from a plastic cup, much to the confusion of the others, as his mouth was still firmly stitched closed. Zephon was nagging at Kain about the lack of pretty candles.
"But why?... Why can't we have pretty candles?..." The imbecilic vampire whined.
"Hmm. Let me think... Oh wait, now I remember. You accidentally set my balls on fire and then used a flamethrower to 'put it out'." Kain roared, making air-quotes with his claws.
"But I was just going with the old saying; Fight fire with fire." Zephon said with an upwards turn of the nose, oblivious to his lack of understanding.... Oh wait....
Meanwhile, Wraith Raziel was chatting it up with Janos, the two lost in discussion.
"Well since I'm technically now the reaver, I would guess there's no need for my character to be featured vocally if they did make a future game." The blue skinned creature said, to which Janos nodded, but frowned at the same time.
"At least you got some closure. I got chucked into the even more hellish version of UPN, and that's it. Oh sure, the last game at least explained how I was alive again, shame the same can't be said for Vorador." The ancient vampire said, glancing towards his 'son' who was twitching nervously.
"I was beheaded... then I'm alive again... then maybe I did die again... I don't... do you know?" The grinch like vampire was babbling to a lamp, which somehow produced a sweat-drop at his oddball inquiry. Suddenly the sound of a scream could be heard the Hylden Lord came charging through the door, being chased by five paled skinned teenagers.
"Ahhh, get 'em away from me!" The flame headed demon screamed in a girlish manner as the five youths prodded and jabbed him with various sharp items. Umah, who happened to be getting some blood from a punch bowl saw the teens and called them out.
"And what do you think you boys are doing?" The modestly endowed vampiress asked with her hands on her hips. At first they mumbled disjointedly, shifting their feet, then one of them slightly chubbier than the others, spoke up.
"We were just playing around... besides, he deserves it." Young Melchiah said. Umah furrowed her brow.
"And why's that?" She asked with a stern look.
"He's a Twilight fan." A young Rahab chimed in, jabbing a finger towards the quivering Hylden lord, who suddenly realized more than half of the room was staring at him.
"HA! You're an even bigger dork than I am!" Moebius called, only to be smacked upside the head by the Elder god's tentacle, who was situated inside a large fish tank.
"Shut up, nerd." The deep baritone of the great squid quipped assertively. The hooded time guardian sulked, nodding and slinked away.
"Well by that means go right ahead and kick his head in." Umah giggled and waved off the teens, who immediately turned on their heels and charged the still frozen demon lord, who screamed and ran off out of the room. A loud crash could be heard, followed by the shrill cry of "My sparkles."
The festivities continued without any real complications, of course there was the issue of Bane and Dejoule getting into a less than impressive fist fight when a discussion about who would win in a 'what if?' match between Chuck Norris and Weegee. But otherwise the party was fairly uneventful. Finally the time to open presents came and everyone picked up whatever box had their name on it.
"Ooh, this is from Ariel, I wonder what it could be." Janos excitedly shook a long rectangular box, heading a dull sound as something heavy bounced inside. Zephon stared intently at an ordinary square box signed by Hash, though no could tell if he was attempting to use x-ray vision again or if his brain had finally died, again.
"Alright, start opening... now!" Kain said with not so much enthusiasm as much as it was contempt, mumbling something about the sooner this 'scene' was over the quicker the story was.
"Wow, a new lance! How'd you know?" Malek gushed as he held a shiny new lance up, looking over to Bane, whose right eye was bruised.
"Lucky guess." The guardian shrugged, casting a dark glanced at Dejoule, who scowled back.
"Cool beans, a vintage bottle of whine!" Zephon said aloud, holding up a bottle that read 'best year: 15,000'. Kain, Vampire Raziel, and Turel suddenly gulped and collectively sweat dropped when they saw this.
"This isn't good." Turel said, shaking his head.
"What? Is there a problem?" Hash asked, the demon looking confused.
"Yea... Last time Zephon got drunk.... It wasn't pretty." Kain said.
~Flashback~
Zephon is wearing nothing but a Power Rangers towel tied around his neck, a salad bowl on his head. He is singing off-key to some unknown song, the room is wrecked, with a half-dead Moebius lodged in a wall while everyone else is either unconscious or tied to a chair to play 'audience'.
"Oooo.... Yea...." Zephon hummed to the unknown song. Suddenly a struggling Vampire Raziel wiggled the handkerchief off his mouth with his chin.
"Stop this, Zephon. Seriously? What's wrong with you?!" The tortured brother asked, looking close to going crazy from the bad singing, and the fact that Zephon was 'on full display' didn't help much either. A cold, expressionless look appeared on Zephon's face, who faced his brother and posed boldly.
"I must do this because I have to, I am the great king of celery, I have been chosen by the tatter tots damn it!" The crazed vampire said with a dead pan expression.
"What?...." Kain said with a perplexed look, only to have Zephon look him in the eye, their faces only inches apart.
"Do not fear the magic potato. Only it can show the true meaning of the color purple and it's sinister plot to destroy all of Dallas." Zephon said, his eyes twirling around in their sockets, and somehow changing colors.
~End Flashback~
"Wow.... that's just weird." Hash said, then immediately snatched the bottle of wine from Zephon, switching it with a paddle ball, needless to say it wasn't a surprise to see him then eat the toy and compliment on it's "Full body".
"Actually, what's weird is you, Hash." Anacrothe said, chiming into the conversation. The large demon tiled his head.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you're the form taken on by Mortanius when he was possessed by the Hylden lord, right?" The guardian asked with a matter of fact tone.
"Yea... So?" Hash said, a nagging feeling in the back of his head when he started to feel deja vu from this discussion.
"Well, how is that you, Mortanius, and the Hylden lord are all here at the same time?" At this, Hash, Mortanius, who was hitting on Dejoule, and the Hylden, who was unconscious with the words: "Edward sucks" on his face, all vanished into thin air.
"Oh shit, not this again!" Nupraptor smacked his forehead.
"And Raziel, how is that you, your original vampire self, and your teenaged-" Anacrothe was about to ask when he was suddenly tackled by Magnus, who had a rolled of duct tape clutched in his mouth. With lightening fast skill, the crazed vampire had somehow effectively hogged tied the guardian with the silvery tape.
"Great save, Magnus." Kain said, patting his former comrade on the shoulder.
"Twas nothing my lord. I am but a humble servant. Besides, this story has already become rather long winded and needed to end." The meat loving vampire bowed, then dragged the thrashing Anacrothe off.
"Hey, I just realized something." Melchiah said, drawing attention to him.
"And what's that?" Turel asked.
"Moebius is still in one piece." The youngest of the five brothers said, pointing to Moebius, who was slinking along a far wall to get away. Upon seeing all eyes turn to him, the time guardian froze in place.
"Oh god dammit! I thought I was gonna away for once since the author wasn't as abusive this time around." He cried, shaking with fear. Suddenly a figure appeared behind him, a stout looking dark skinned man wearing a turban and white pants. His cold, emotionless white eyes and perpetually eerie red lips instilled untold fear in the time guardian.
"Hi....." Mr. Popo said in a rather deadpan tone.
"NOOOOOOOO!!!!" Moebius' cry echoed into the night, while everyone else just shrugged and continued to open their presents.
"Well it's about a good time as any to say it. Come on everyone, join in!" Zephon said, standing up, the others following as well.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS! HANUKKAH, KWANZA, OR WHATEVER!" They chimed, then pulled out sticks and followed after Mr. Popo to beat up Moebius.
THE END(?)
While probably not the greatest return to form, I had wanted to get back into the Kain series for a while. But since Light1, MortalSora, Ratface, Concept, and many of the others have long since moved on, it seems kinda empty to do much related to this series anymore. Of course, I'm sure newer generations may appreciate this, and who knows, if the series ever gets another game (and it damn well should), perhaps some of the old gang may see this and remember the good ol' days.
For a little trivia facts: The teen vampires are the older forms of Light1's "Kain's Kiddies", the child versions of Raziel and his brothers. The Anacrothe destroying people with plot holes is borrowed from author Ratface's Eternal Prison series, while of course the abuse towards Moebius is a long time tradition that existed even before I myself came to Fanfiction all those years ago.
Anyway, I hope anyone who reads this will have enjoyed it, and happy holidays, whichever you choose to celebrate... or don't. :P