Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick…
The sparkled, pink wall clock hung so perfectly on the matching soft pink wall was constantly reminding us how much time had passed.
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick…
"Santana?" her perfect voice broke through the silence that came witth her dad's being on a month long cruise.
"Rachel?"
"What…was that?"
I let out a sigh and rolled her head off of my chest, twisting my body away from hers.
"Why do we have to put a label on it, Rachel?"
"I-I-I would just like to know…what do I tell people?" she whispered.
I snapped my torso back in her direction. "You do not tell anyone anything, got that? I don't know what this is yet and I don't want people to think that I'm…you know…"
Rachel just stared at me with her huge, brown eyes, her brows furrowed in confusion.
"The L-word. I don't want people to think that I'm…a lesbian."
"But…Santana, I think you are." she sat up from her pink comforter, her breasts held in the white bra in which she wore. "What else would you call that? That was…intense…I mean, I'm not saying that it was intense in a bad way. It was intense in a good way…" a small, crooked smile graced her lips.
"Stop it, Rachel. Just stop. You invited me over here. We did…stuff…and as of now, that was just as friends."
"Santana, how was just as friends? You were there. You know what we did."
"RACHEL!" I growled
Rachel flinched away from my tone, a grimace now replacing the smile that I had come to love.
"I'm-I'm sorry, okay? You're lucky. You know what you want." I moved so I was now hovering over her, her lips just inches from mine. "I mean, you're Rachel fucking Berry. Ever since the thing with Finn, you've just been so sure that you were done with guys. I never had that realization. I love you, of course I do. You know that. But I don't know if that's just as friends or as something more serious. I know you're not the most patient person in the world, but you just need to give me time. I know I'll figure it out. But, if I'm rushed into it, It may not be what I really feel…"
And with that, I let my arms fold under myself and my body fall onto hers, our lips crushed into one another's.
CHAPTER 2
"Rachel, you're up!"
"Thank you, Mr. Shue." Rachel pranced herself in front of the Glee Club, her perfect smile garnishing her flawlessness.
"As you all know, things have been a little difficult for me the last few months," she turned to Finn and glared, "and I felt like singing about it may help you all better understand how I am doing."
"As if anyone cares…" Kurt muttered to Blaine, his boyfriend.
Rachel, hearing this comment, chose to ignore it, closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and began to sing.
If I could even start to explain the way that Rachel's singing made me feel, believe me, I would. I wish that I could feel this all the time. It was a mix of sadness and lust. I wanted to cry, yet I wanted to jump up and kiss her. And even that doesn't even begin to explain it.
"..I hope it puts you through hell."
Rachel had some how ended up standing on a chair in the middle of the room with everyone but Finn and me singing and dancing around her.
Just then, the bell rang.
Perfect timing.
Chapter 3
"Rachel!" I grabbed her arm and swung her towards me, ducking into the girl's bathroom.
"Santana! What the hell are you doing!"
I pushed her against the wall, my mouth meeting hers in a warm embrace. Our lips meshed like a perfect puzzle. A perfect puzzle.
"Santana!" she pushed me off of her, wiping her mouth while glaring at me.
"What? I'm not allowed to make-out with you at school?"
"I-I-I-…"
"I, what?"
"I don't know how comfortable I feel with that type of stuff…"
"With what type of stuff? Me kissing you?"
"No, I just…what if someone saw us? You just told me last night how much you were unsure of 'us'…"
"No one's in here, Rachel. I'm not that stupid."
"What if someone was?"
"Then we would be screwed. But, it didn't happen. So, what's the problem?"
"I don't know…I just…I don't know."
"Just spit it out, Rach. I have to get to chemistry in about 5 minutes and it's at the complete other end of the school-"
"I love you, Santana."
Rachel's eyes grew wide when she said this. The same angelic smile returned to her lips and she waited. Waited for my reaction. And I didn't know what to do.
Chapter 4
"I…"
Rachel still stood in front of me. Her body grew stiff and tense as the seconds dragged on with still no answer.
"I…"
"Santana?"
"I…don't know how I feel."
Rachel quickly put her head down, body growing limp as her nose started to run.
"Rachel, come on. We've talked about this-"
"No. You know what, Santana? I understand. It was stupid of me to assume that you would feel the same way when obviously you don't. I was stupid to think that anything would have changed since last night. I was stupid. And I'm sorry."
She rushed out of the bathroom, sobbing by now. My heart leaped as I realized what I had done. I'd just hurt the one person that I actually liked in this school. I had hurt her. I had hurt Rachel.
The thought kept circling around in my head. I had just done the impossible. Even Finn hadn't done something like this to her. I had broken her. I had broken Rachel Berry.
Chapter 5
My day dragged on. Not only did I have to sit through chemistry, but math, English, and world history too. I could barley pay attention. Her face just kept popping into my mind. The look on her face when I couldn't bring myself to say it back. How her face slowly fell and her eyes filled with warm tears. Tears that I had caused. And I knew that I had made her cry before. But that was back when I was a bitch to her. Back when she was just Rachel Berry. Back before I knew her.
Back before I actually started liking Rachel, I hated her. I hated how she dressed, how she acted, how she made me feel. And back then, I couldn't understand how she made me feel. I just felt this anger towards her, and I think that's why I tortured her like I did. Once I realized what I felt for her though, that's when I hated her the most. I hated what she had done to me. I hated what she was turning me into.
When we had our first kiss under the bleachers, during the homecoming game, I knew that it was real. I knew what I had done in the past was terrible. I knew that I really, really liked her. But, does that make me a lesbian like Rachel? Just because I like kissing girls? I liked kissing Brittney (before she ran off with Artie). What does that mean?
And the bell rang.
End of the day.
Time to make up with Rachel.
I grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulder. I walked from World History to my locker, grabbed my coat, slid it on over my fur vest, and continued down the hall, working up my nerve to meet Rachel by her car and confront her about the events in the bathroom.
I pushed the front doors of McKinley open, only to find an ambulance, a fire truck, a police car, and the whole Glee Club crying-everyone except Rachel.
Chapter 6
"Finn!" I tugged the earbuds out of my ears and sprinted for the football player.
His eyes were red and his face streaked with tears.
"What is it! What's going on!" I yelled over the sirens.
"It's Rachel. There's been an accident…" and he began sobbing once more.
I leaped from Finn to Blaine.
"Blaine!"
He had a dazed look on his face. Eyes glassy and mouth slightly ajar.
"Blaine, snap out of it!" I shouted.
"Blaine!" I screamed, pleading for someone to answer me.
I suddenly felt two hands on my shoulders, pulling me from the rest of the crowd. I kicked and screamed.
"SANTANA!" I could vaguely hear Mr. Shuester yelling at me, shaking me. But I was just staring at the scene. Rachel, bloody, swollen, being loaded into the ambulance. My knees gave way beneath me and I fell to the ground, oblivious to the fact that my knees were getting murdered on the pavement.
"Santana!" I heard different voices shouting. I think I heard Tina, Kurt, Mr. Shue, maybe some others.
The rest was all a blur.
"Take her home and don't leave her."
I hazily remember being picked by a set of muscular arms and carried into a car, carefully placed in the back on my side, and being driven somewhere. The rain streaked down the window of the car, swirling and making impossible shapes.
The car came to a sudden stop and I lurched forward, catching myself from falling on the dirty floor.
The car suddenly became silent as the keys were taken from the ignition and the sound of the rain became suddenly noticeable.
"Come on, Santana. Up we go." I was swiftly in the man's arms and he was carrying me up my front walk, up to my door, where he balanced me on his lap, bended down, got the key from under the welcome mat, and unlocked the door. Once we were inside, he delicately set me on the couch.
The man started whistling as he walked away from where I was laying, climbing the stairs, and I got a look at him, and saw the Mohawk.
Puckerman.
I wiped the tears which had been falling ever since we had left the school.
Shit, Rachel.
I jumped off of the couch and ran to the door. I had my hand on the golden knob just as Puck returned back downstairs with a bundle of blankets in his arms.
"Santana? Where are you going?" he dropped the blankets and walked towards me.
"To the hospital…Rachel…" I began to cry again. The tears fell from my eyes and I crumbled to the carpet below.
"Santana. Come on. Let's just lie back down, okay? I'm sure Rachel can wait for you."
"Okay." I sniffled as he helped me back to the couch. I laid down and he covered me with the blankets he had collected from the linen closet. Puck took to the opposite side of the couch so that we were both staring at each other.
After a few moments of gathering myself, I finally had grown up the courage to ask the question that was on my mind, "Noah. What…what happened to Rachel?"
Puck let out a long sigh and took my hands in his. He looked deep into my eyes and began to speak.
"She was running to her car…and a car came out of nowhere and…and hit her."
I let out a painful yelp as I pictured her being blindsided by the car.
"It's…its all my fault, Noah…"
"What do you mean, Santana? You didn't make that car hit her…you know that, right?"
"I know that. But, we had a fight in the bathroom, she must have been running to her car to cry it out when she got hit. It's all my fault, Noah. I did this. It's all my fault."
"Honey, it's not your fault. You didn't know that that car would hit her. You had no idea. It's not your fault."
"But if I had just said it back, then she wouldn't have had to go to her car…."
"Say what back?" Puck looked at me, his face painted with confusion.
"Oh, nothing. It's nothing. I just…can we go, please? I need to see her. I need to."
"Are you sure? She may not be ready for visitors yet…-"
"I need to see her, Noah. Just drive me."
"Okay…but I warned you."
"I know."
We walked to his truck and we both climbed into our respective sides. Once we had pulled out of the driveway I began to fumble with the radio.
I heard the beginning of some P!nk songs, some Aerosmith, and the middle of "Don't Rain on My Parade". Right when I realized what song it was, I quickly turned off the radio and turned away from Puck, watching the corn fields pass by through the rain splattered window.
After 20 minutes of driving, the car finally pulled into a spot towards the doors of the emergency room.
Puck and I quickly got out of the car and ran towards the door. The rain made it almost impossible to see where I was going.
We finally reached the doors and ran inside, slipping and sliding on the tile floor with our wet shoes.
"Excuse me, we have a friend in here. Rachel Berry. She got hit by a car at McKinley about 2 hours ago." Puck told one of the nurses.
"Hold on. I'll find out her condition."
"Thank you."
Puck and I turned from the nurses station and looked for the rest of the Glee Club. They were seated in the corner, all 13 of them (and Mr. Shue).
"Guys!"
Puck and I hurried over to their corner where most were reading People or OK!. Finn, Mr. Shue, Blaine, and Quinn were all sitting together, holding hands, and shaking.
"Anything new with Rachel?" Puck asked, looking intent on getting an answer out of one of them.
"No one has come out to tell us anything…"
"Oh…well, we just asked at the nurses station-"
"We've tried that." Quinn sighed.
"Oh. Well…"
The waiting room was out of chairs. I guess that's what you get at the Lima, Ohio Medical Center. Quinn was kind enough to sit on Finn's lap so that Noah and I could share a chair. I curled up in his lap, resting my head on his chest. He stroked my hair and held my hand as the tears continued to flow.
The clock on the wall went from 4:40 to 5:30 to 6:50 before anyone came out with an update.
The man in the white lap coat walked to the nurses station, a grimace on his face.
Puck looked at me and I nodded. We stood up together, grabbed hands, and walked towards him.
"Excuse me, doctor." said Puck
"Yes?" he didn't turn around from where he had a file open on the counter.
"We're friends of Rachel Berry. We just wanted to know how she was doing…"
"Berry? Oh, yes. Um…I think last time I checked they were rushing her into immediate surgery."
I squeezed Puck's hand and looked at him, tears filling my eyes. He squeezed back and gave me a reassuring smile.
"And when was that?" Puck asked.
"I think it was around 4:00."
"Okay. Thank you."
The doctor proceeded to walk back through the double doors of the patient wing and I tuned to Puck, enveloping him in a hug.
"Noah, I'm scared."
"I know you are. We all are." he whispered into my ear, smoothing the hair on the back of my head.
"Can you go to the bathroom with me? I think I'm going to be sick."
"Of course."
We rushed to the bathroom together, hands still intertwined.
Chapter 7
After about twenty minutes of having my head bowed in the toilet of the girls room, I finally built up the strength to leave the stall.
"Do you need me to help you clean up, Sant?" Noah called from outside the bathroom door.
"No, I'm fine, thanks."
I walked to the mirror and splashed water on my face. My eyes were lined with dark circles and my skin looked drawn.
"Noah?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you have any gum?"
"Um, yeah, I think I do. Hold on."
He slid a pack of Juciy Fruit under the door.
"Thanks, Noah."
"No problem."
Chapter 8
"Sir?" One of the nurses at the station called.
Noah placed me upright and we both stood up. Holding hands, we walked back to the nurses station.
"Any news?" Puck asked.
"Actually…" the nurse bit her lip and looked at me, then back to Noah.
"No." I said outloud.
"Santana…" Puck cautioned.
"NO!" I wailed as I fell to the floor.
Puck caught me and lowered me to the floor. I crumpled into him, screaming. My tears came rapidly now. They poured from my eyes and onto the leather miniskirt I had worn that day, just to impress Rachel.
"Noah. I loved Rachel."
"Santana, I know. We all did."
"No, Noah." I took a deep breath, but it caught in my throat and I just ended up coughing. "I loved Rachel."
A look of realization grew on Noah's face as he stared down at me.
He then took me in his arms and squeezed me, tears then flooding out of his eyes as well.
Chapter 9
The cold, spring air nipped at my exposed legs. I stood in Lima Cemetery in front of Rachel's family, and the Glee Club. After her death, I had asked if I could speak at Rachel's service. Her dad's weren't so sure first, but then I explained to them our short romance. After we cried together, they said that I could.
I had spent every waking minute since her death trying to write what I was going to say. It had to be special. Memorable. Because Rachel was that type of person. She didn't deserve some lame, regular speech. She deserved so, so much more.
"As you all know by now, I loved Rachel. She and I were kind….well, we were kind of together. And the day she died, she said that she loved me. And I couldn't say it back."
The weeping from the crowd carried on from before.
"But, I loved her. I love her. I will love her. I'm not as good at public speaking as Rachel was. But I can sing."
I was handed a microphone by Rachel's dad.
"Step one you say we need to talkHe walks you say sit down it's just a talkHe smiles politely back at youYou stare politely right on throughSome sort of window to your rightAs he goes left and you stay rightBetween the lines of fear and blameAnd you begin to wonder why you came."
My voice began to break. Unexpectedly, I heard Quinn's angelic tone,
"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friendSomewhere along in the bitternessAnd I would have stayed up with you all nightHad I known how to save a life."
Her voice was quickly joined by Noah's. And Finn's. And Blaine's. Soon, the whole Glee Club was harmonizing with me.
"Let him know that you know bestCause after all you do know bestTry to slip past his defenseWithout granting innocenceLay down a list of what is wrongThe things you've told him all alongAnd pray to God, he hears youAnd pray to God, he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friendSomewhere along in the bitternessAnd I would have stayed up with you all nightHad I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voiceYou lower yours and grant him one last choiceDrive until you lose the roadOr break with the ones you've followedHe will do one of two thingsHe will admit to everythingOr he'll say he's just not the sameAnd you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friendSomewhere along in the bitternessAnd I would have stayed up with you all nightHad I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friendSomewhere along in the bitternessAnd I would have stayed up with you all nightHad I known how to save a life
How to save a life…How to save a life…
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friendSomewhere along in the bitternessAnd I would have stayed up with you all nightHad I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friendSomewhere along in the bitternessAnd I would have stayed up with you all nightHad I known how to save a lifeHow to save a life."
We were singing. We were a singing to Rachel.
"How to save a life…"