Lex! Come back!

Disclaimer: I do not own Smallville.

Note: This is my explanation for Season Eight. Lex is gone. And there's a reason Oliver won't stay sober for longer than twenty minutes. Whenever he does, he takes a look at the world around him and desperately needs a drink.

Oliver stared at the phone. He honestly never thought he'd be in the position of wanting a Luthor around but desperate times called for desperate measures. And so, even though he would much rather blissfully pretend his former victim turned arrogant criminal CEO was dead, he would actually have to acknowledge otherwise.

Lex answered on the first ring. "Why are you calling me?"

Oliver took a deep breath. He could do this. "I need you to come back to Metropolis!"

"Why the hell would I agree to that?" Lex demanded, stunned. "I'm hard-pressed to think of one good thing that happened to me in the last eight years. Besides, you tried to kill me. Shouldn't you be glad that I'm gone?"

"Sorry about that. I didn't mean to," Oliver said sheepishly.

Lex snorted.

"Okay, okay, so maybe I did," Oliver admitted. "But that was before I realized that everything's gone to hell in a hand basket without you!"

"But everyone hated me and thought I was trying to kill them," Lex pointed out. He paused. 'And they weren't always wrong," he admitted.

"Your replacement is crazy!" Oliver tattled.

"Yes, I did notice that," Lex agreed, unconcerned. "I'm not sure why I haven't fired her yet. Oh right! Because she's making money and not actively trying to kill me. Unlike certain other people who tried to steal my company…"

"That's only because she doesn't know you're still alive," Oliver told him.

"As long as she's not out to get me, I don't really care why," Lex said frankly.

"But you don't understand!" Oliver said desperately. "She keeps provoking Davis to go crazy and kill everyone!"

"Provoking who?" Lex sounded puzzled.

"Oh, he was apparently sent to Earth to kill everyone and Clark's the only one who can stop him," Oliver explained, vaguely hoping his phone wasn't tapped. Well, that or whoever was eavesdropping thought he was drunk. It happened often enough.

Lex was quiet for a moment. "We're all doomed, aren't we?"

"Hey, if you think that's bad then wait until you hear that Davis decided that the only thing that can stop him from killing everyone is being around Chloe nonstop so she and he ran off to Gotham to hang out with Bruce!" Oliver complained.

"Ah, Bruce, the one NOT asshat at Excelsior," Lex noted fondly. "Well I'm sure he can handle it. Still, Clark was just like that with Lana and probably also would have run off to Gotham if he could have figured out how to get there…"

"And Jimmy's dumped Chloe, quit his job, and is now doing drugs!" Oliver added, feeling sorrier for himself by the minute for having to deal with all of this.

"Oh, that's awful," Lex said sympathetically. "Who's Jimmy again?"

"Oh come on; you've got to remember Jimmy!" Oliver said incredulously. "Chloe's ex-husband who left her for no apparent reason after proposing to her with a plastic ring after you convinced him to rat her out to the FBI who turned out to be your people because you were annoyed she kept hacking you? Ring any bells?"

"Oh, him. I thought his name was Eric..." Lex trailed off. "Or maybe Henry..."

Oliver shrugged. "Maybe that's his middle name. And don't even get me started on Lois! Not only is she completely not concerned that her cousin is off running around with sociopathic murdering aliens, but she's only ever around about half the time! I swear, sometimes I think she takes that whole ' Stiletto' thing way too seriously. And Clark still doesn't realize it's her!"

"Frankly I'm surprised that you do," Lex said dryly. Trying to sound casual, he continued, "How is Clark, anyway?"

Oliver considered the question. "Okay, I guess. He was apparently so devastated that he and Lana are actually really over this time that he completely forgot about her and has now set his sights on Lois. Unfortunately, he's having some difficulty because he can't find her."

" He still an asshat?" Lex inquired curiously.

Oliver laughed. "Oh, you have no idea. I swear, when did I become the sane one around here?"

"When you laid off the drugs?" Lex suggested.

"That might be it. So...what do you say? Will you come back? Clearly, none of these people can function without having you to focus their craziness on," Oliver begged.

His only answer was a dial tone.

"Well, that could have gone better…"

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