A/N: Because apparently the actual writers are going to keep depriving us of their road to recovery... Yes, I might be a little desperate. Enjoy :)
= the gradual recovery of health and strength after illness
Healing takes time, they both know that when they decide to fight for what they have. Sometimes healing means taking one step forward and two steps back, they have experience with that dance.
Healing means being devastatingly honest, it means learning to trust again and to let go of their fear of failing, they promise each other they will, no matter how much it hurts. Healing means relapsing from time to time and falling back into unhealthy patterns but realizing that and steering back on track, they vow they will help each other find that way together.
As much pain as the process of healing is, the one thing both of them always keep in mind is all they have to gain. The reasons they are trying so hard to make it work is how incomplete they feel without the other. Their love is the reason why they will always keep fighting, no matter how high the odds are stacked against them.
They start walking that long and winding road the night she comes back home.
i.
Kurt woke up to Jane turning in bed breathing heavily.
They had fallen asleep on their respective sides of the bed and he had woken up the same way, one hand tugged under his cheek the other lying flat on the mattress between them, an unconscious relic of a time when she would reach out to him at night. He was facing her, couldn't make himself turn away from her even in his sleep, not when her very presence was something he thought he would never get to have again.
Whenever he had woken up in the middle of the night – at least five times – he only had to open his eyes to know where she was and whenever he did his eyes fell on her sleeping form, lying flat on her back like she always did, and he watched her calm breathing for a while until he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer and sunk back into his own slumber with her on his mind.
Her face had looked relaxed and peaceful then, something he hadn't seen ever since he had told her what he had done, but now it was contorted into a painful grimace much like she had worn when looking at him ever since that night.
For a moment he didn't know what to do. He knew what he would've done only a week prior but now everything was different. He didn't know if she wanted him to reach out, didn't know if he could comfort her the way he used to.
Her nightmare seemed to be getting worse the longer he watched and he couldn't look away when she squeezed her eyes tightly shut, rolling to her left side and then back facing him, kicking out her legs and grabbing her blanket with her fist. She seemed to be fighting against something, never letting her assailant go, until the first sob escaped her dry lips and she cried out in anguish.
"Jane!", he whispered, gently at first and then more firmly when she didn't seem to hear him. His voice wouldn't get through to her, she was trapped in the throes of her dream.
Tentatively he reached out to touch her shoulder, shaking her lightly when she still wouldn't react.
"Jane!", he called her name again, begging her to wake up, "It's just a dream. Come back here. It's just a dream."
Suddenly he felt her tense beneath his touch and her eyes flew open. For a moment she didn't seem to know where she was, her eyes darting back and forth, widening in shock when they settled on his face before she bolted from their bed, ran to the bathroom and threw the door shut behind her.
He sank back in bed in defeat listening to her muffled sob through the bathroom door. Closing his eyes he let a few tears escape, feeling them burn their way down his cheek only to get lost in his stubble.
What was he supposed to do, he wondered, when his wife would rather cry alone on the cold bathroom floor than be comforted by him? Was there enough left to salvage all that he had put on the line by lying to her? Would it be his fault if their relationship fell apart?
The doubts eating at him were running around in his head trying to make him give up but he wouldn't give in.
Instead he lay on his back with his eyes closed breathing as evenly as possible, listening for any sounds coming from the bathroom. When he heard the click of the lock and the slow opening of the door, he didn't turn around. He kept his eyes closed and his breathing calm, even though on the inside he was holding his breath awaiting and fearing her next move.
When she slipped back into bed with him he knew that another tear was running down his cheek but he didn't let on just how relieved he was. He felt her settle in on her side of the bed, her body mirroring his before she had woken up – facing him with one hand on the mattress halfway between them.
ii.
She had acted on impulse. Without thinking her arms had found their way around his broad shoulders and were holding on tightly.
It was the most physical contact they had had ever since she had moved back home and as weird as it should have felt, it felt like this was exactly where she was supposed to be. Though that feeling might be one-sided, she thought, when she felt him tense underneath her touch.
Kurt had just gotten back from a mission he and Zapata had gone on, leaving Reade and Jane to work on piecing the Crawford puzzle together and she had hated every single second of his absence. She hated not knowing where he was, whether or not he was okay or what exactly they were facing. As much as she trusted Zapata, she just didn't have a good feeling not having his back herself.
It had been a weird admission even to herself. For the longest of times she hadn't been able to even look at him but then again, her love for him had never really gone anywhere. She had never stopped worrying about him and after he had been gone for three hours, one of which without any means of communication, she couldn't stop herself from running towards him as soon as the elevator announced their arrival.
Before she knew it, she was hugging him.
And he wasn't hugging her back.
Jane felt her eyes burn with all the tears she wouldn't let herself cry as she retreated quickly. He wouldn't even meet her eyes, instead he mumbled some kind of apology and practically bolted after Zapata and Reade to the lab for debrief, leaving her standing alone in the middle of the bullpen.
She felt the curious looks on her as she followed the team slowly but they didn't matter. None of the agents and none of their judgement mattered to her. The person that mattered to her, the only person that mattered, couldn't even bear to be touched by her anymore and who knew if he could tolerate it ever again.
The briefing dragged on for half an hour. Thirty minutes in which her mind was everywhere but on the topic as soon as she had ensured that her husband was safe and sound and instead contemplated how she should act afterwards.
"I'm sorry about earlier in the bullpen", she said quietly when they were finally alone again and on their way to the car. The silence in the elevator grew heavier and more impenetrable the longer he took to reply. When she had almost resigned herself to him not speaking to her again, she heard his soft mumble.
"It's not your fault. I'm sorry I didn't hug you back… I just…", he looked down at his hands fiddling with the car keys before raising his head to stare straight ahead at the changing digits on the wall of the lift. "I couldn't", he whispered finally.
For the rest of the ride down into the parking garage he continued avoiding meeting her eyes and with every passing minute her heart rate accelerated. She didn't want to push him but she knew they needed to talk about this. If she had learned anything from their current predicament then that they needed to be completely honest with each other to get out of it.
Once the elevator came to a stop and they stepped out, she grabbed his arm lightly wanting to talk to him. When she felt him tense once more and stare down at her hand on his lower arm, she let go, dropping both her arms to either side of her body.
"Why do you hate me touching you so much?", she wanted to know, her voice barely a whisper, "Is it because… because of Clem?" She hadn't wanted to say the name, hated the dark shadow that crossed his face as she did but she wanted him back more than she wanted to spare both their feelings.
Silently she begged him to meet her eyes and after a moment, in which she watched his body stay completely rigid, he acquiesced.
Her eyes stayed on him the whole time, watching him open and close his mouth a few times before clearing his throat. When he spoke again his voice was barely louder than a whisper.
"Yes", he admitted, "Every time I feel your body I… I remember how good it feels to have you in my arms. How warm and familiar." He looked up at her, pain evident in his eyes as he continued, "But my next thought is always of him touching you and I… I can't."
Kurt was shaking his head with his eyes squeezed shut and she could feel her own eyes well up with tears. She didn't dare to move any closer to him but she didn't know how else to comfort him either. They were standing like this for almost a minute before she found the strength to speak again.
"Do you think you will ever be able to touch me again?", she wanted to know, her voice breaking, already dreading the answer.
He stared at her for a moment, letting her see all the various emotions flicker over his face, before breaking their gaze once more. "I don't know... I'm trying. I need time."
"Okay", she replied more calmly than she felt. She had sworn she would give him all the time he needed just as he was giving her all the time she needed to get to a better place for both of them. And as much as it hurt her to hear him say these words, she appreciated the honesty behind them.
"Let's go home", she said finally, shoving both hands into the pockets of her leather jacket so she wouldn't reach out to him, and waited for his nod before they both continued their way to the car.
iii.
Once more Kurt found himself awake in the middle of the night, watching Jane's even breathing. After the day they've had, both almost getting blown up, and then having to spend the rest of their day at the office to find the bomb maker, he needed to reassure himself that she was still there with him.
It was easier to check on her when she was asleep and wasn't trying to downplay any of her injuries. The bruises on her rips seemed to be more serious than she had let on and more than once had he felt himself reaching out to comfort her when she had moved only to hiss in pain under her breath but every time he let his hand fall to the mattress before they could come within a few inches of her.
He wasn't entirely sure why he didn't let himself touch her when all of his being was craving for the warm feeling of her body.
Deep down he knew he was scared.
Scared of relearning all that he used to know, to get swept up in the familiarity of them, only to see her walk away again. He wanted to trust that she wouldn't but the tiny pieces of his broken heart reminded him how much it had hurt the last time whenever he tried mending it.
Only in the middle of the night did he let his mind wander down that road, to really think about how he felt. During the day they were always busy, always putting someone or something else before their relationship. That's who he was and that's who Jane was as well and it's one of the things he loved most about her but it always put them on the back burner in their crazy lives.
Kurt had just closed his eyes to try to get some rest, when he heard her breathing quickening and felt the mattress shift when she moved in unease.
She was having one of her nightmares again, one of the bad ones that she couldn't wake up from herself and where she only started hurting herself by kicking out in an attempt to get away from it. He didn't know what they were about, it varied and she usually tried to gloss over the fact that she was scared.
"Jane", he whispered before she would really start to work herself into the fear and reached out to grab her shoulder.
Somehow it was easier to touch her in the anonymity of the night and it was easier to overcome his own fear when she was in distress.
Slowly he caressed her upper arm first and shook her lightly when that didn't seem to come through to her.
"Jane!", he called again, louder this time and it seemed to pull her out of her nightmare. He was almost glad when her disoriented gaze fell on him but instead of the recognition he had hoped for he saw them widen in fear and she scrambled to the other side of the bed, almost falling off of it in the process.
The twinge in his heart intensified when he saw her scared form, cowering as far away from him as possible, clinging to her blanket.
"Jane", he tried to call her softly, "It's me. You're safe, okay?" It took all that he had to not start crying when she didn't react at first but he simply kept going. "It was just a bad dream. Look at me. I'm here with you."
He wasn't sure what it was that got through to her but suddenly a sob escaped her lips and she flung herself at him and he could only hold on to her shaking form, hugging her tightly to his chest fiercely. Only in the middle of the night did he allow himself to breathe in her scent like this and hold her like this.
When she slowly detached herself from his grasp, he felt the cold emptiness left in his arms without her body as a physical pain in his heart.
Wiping away her tears Jane composed herself and lay back down facing him, mirroring his posture with as much distance between them as when they had fallen asleep.
"I'm sorry" he heard her faint whisper, "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
It tore at his heart that he couldn't put into words just how wonderful her body had felt in his arms. Instead he moved just an inch closer and reached out his hand to rest his palm on her cheek.
"It's okay", he replied, his thumb gently caressing her face of his own accord. "Are you okay?"
For a moment she started to nod and he caught the exact moment when he decided to be honest and instead leaned into his touch a little bit more, whispering a soft "No."
"Do you want to talk about?", he asked quietly, running his hand down her cheek to cup her jaw lightly.
Her eyes that had closed at his movement fluttered open to meet his gaze now. "I don't remember much", she told him and reached out to take a hold of the wrist of his outstretched arm, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I was running from something and I was so scared. I'm glad you're here."
Their eyes stayed locked on to each other as they both reveled in the precious touch they shared and even when they fell asleep, they never let go.
iv.
Jane looked up when she felt his hand slip into hers but Kurt kept looking straight ahead, not letting anything on and so she kept quiet and simply enjoyed the gentle squeeze he gave her hand.
They were walking home from work, having decided to ditch the car more often so they would have more time to themselves. Sometimes that meant talking the entirety of their walk about what they would have for dinner, sometimes they'd talk about more meaningful things and sometimes they wouldn't talk at all. But they spent that time together and it put them more at ease with one another.
Walking while talking gave them the freedom to not have to hold eye contact and it gave them the possibility to just stop in the middle of the sidewalk if they wanted to see the other's face.
She had grown to love their early morning and late afternoon/ early evening walks and no matter how stressful their day had been, she appreciated the twenty minutes they would have to themselves before they got home and household tasks were the next thing on their very long list of things they had to do.
But today, for the first time, he had reached out to hold her hand and her chest felt like bursting with excitement. She had missed his touches and had almost given up hope that he would ever want to touch her again during daylight.
The night seemed to be something else. When they had turned off the lights in their bedroom he would sometimes reach out to her and she would take his hand in hers and they'd fall asleep like that.
Today, though, he took her hand in his on their walk home and immediately she felt herself bounce with every new step. She tried not to giggle to let out the giddiness that was warming her chest but she couldn't stop herself from swinging their intertwined hands a little between them.
When she looked up again, a huge smile on her face, he had stopped looking ahead as well and had focused on her.
"Good walk?", he wanted to know with his own smile that reached his eyes and crinkled the skin around them. God, did she love his crinkly laugh.
"The best", she grinned up at him like the love-struck idiot she was and almost ran against a lamp post before he pulled her out of the way and into his side instead.
Chuckling at her dumbstruck expression he reached out to tug a strand of her hair behind her ear. She saw the tiny tremor when he got closer but didn't comment on it and instead savored the gentle touch.
Jane kept staring up at him, inept to break the heated gaze. She wanted to lean up and press her lips to his but she waited, letting him take the lead on how far he wanted to go. Her eyes followed his as they dropped down to her lips for barely more than a second only to dart back up to meet her eyes.
After a moment in which she felt the heat of his body radiate into her side where they were still touching, he leaned forward slightly and her eyes fluttered close when he pressed a tender kiss to her forehead.
They continued their walk home in silence after that.
Jane was still a little dazed at the love he expressed in every single action towards her and as much as she had wanted him to kiss her… right now she was feeling the happiest that she had felt in a long time, just holding hands with him. For now that was enough this was enough. It was perfect.
v.
"Thank you for dinner. It was amazing."
He heard Jane's voice from the bathroom door and looked up, grinning with his tooth brush still in his mouth at her small figure leaning against the door frame, watching him.
They had actually cooked together today but he had suggested the recipe – a vegan version of Mac 'n' Cheese, one of Jane's very favorite meals – that he had found in one of the magazines in his dentist's waiting room. The joy on her face had made sure that he swore to himself he would'd make it for her every day for the rest of his life if she wanted if only she kept smiling at him like that.
He took his time rinsing out his mouth and drying his face off before he turned around to return her smile.
"It wasn't too bad. For a vegan meal, I mean", he bantered playfully.
She rolled her eyes and took a step forward and he was in awe of her once more. The way she walked through the bathroom in sweat pants and a plain shirt, already ready for bed, feeling at home here with him, made him love her even more.
"I mean it", she replied softly with a buoyant shake of her head, "Thank you."
Had he felt her lean up to kiss his cheek, maybe he wouldn't have turned his head right at this second but he hadn't and so he did and instead of his stubble her lips met his and their teeth clashed loudly, making them draw back from each other.
He was so surprised at first that he simply reacted to her stepping back and almost tripping over a pile of clothes on the floor. He reached out to steady her without thinking and only when her widened eyes met his and he saw her hand covering her mouth, did he manage to understand what had just happened.
"That was not … planned", he heard Jane mutter under her breath and she looked so helplessly overwhelmed that he had to bite back a loving chuckle to not hurt her feelings. She was endearing when she was embarrassed.
Kurt took a careful step closer to her and took both her hands in both of his, his eyes darting down to her trembling lips before meeting her gaze once more.
"Are you sorry it happened?", he wanted to know quietly and was surprised when instead of answering she took one of their intertwined hands and put it right above her frantically beating heart.
He felt her big green eyes on him when he pulled back slightly to do the same with their other hands.
"Me neither."
"I thought…", she started and if it was possible he felt her heartbeat accelerate even more when her voice broke, "I thought you weren't comfortable with-"
Surprising both of them he cut her off by taking her face into both his hands ever so gently and pressing a soft kiss to her lips.
Her hands were still laying over both their hearts and her eyes that had fluttered close when he kissed her, opened back up to look at him in a confusion that tugged at his heart strings.
"I don't understand", she said under her breath and he felt the warm air from her deep sigh against his face. He had missed feeling her every reaction like that.
"I'm tired of us walking on eggshells around each other", he told her quietly but firmly, leaning his forehead against hers. "I love you with every fiber of my being and I know that you love me too. We've grown so much over the last couple of weeks and it was so hard for me not to touch you when it was all I've ever wanted", he tried to make her understand, "But it was my decision and you respected that even though I know it hurt you."
"I hurt you, too", she replied but he interrupted her quickly.
"And I have hurt you too. We've hurt each other but after taking our time to get to this place, I think we need to move forward from here. We need to learn to trust each other again."
Kurt felt her lashes tickling his cheek when her eyes closed once more. "I trust you", he heard her whisper, "I love you so much. And I've missed you. I was so scared you would never want to kiss me again."
"Jane", he called her name softly, "Jane, my love, please look at me."
Her eyes fluttered open at the pet name and he chuckled lightly when he saw the blush creep into her cheeks.
"I always want to kiss you", he told her honestly, "Every minute of every day but I thought we weren't ready. I thought I wasn't ready…"
Her timid voice cut through the silence that had descended after his words.
"Are you ready?"
Instead of an answer he framed her face with his hands once more and brushed her lips with his ever so lightly. "More than ready", he whispered after a moment and before he knew it they both moved towards each other, finally capitulating to the magnetic pull between them.
Their lips met and it was neither awkward nor shy but passionate and longing.
When he hoisted her up and felt her legs come around his hip and her hands grabbing the hair on the scrape of his neck, pulling him closer, he knew that they were both ready for this step they had been working towards for so long.
Having her in his arms, where she belonged and feeling every inch of her body like he was meant to, he finally felt home again. And he was truly, genuinely confident that they could defeat anything that came in their way.
Because they were Jane and Kurt. She was his wife and he believed they were destined to be together with all his heart.