I wanted to write this because I really lacked it in the book - Vronskij´s reaction after Anna´s death. I hope you like it, reviews would be great.
What is it all for? Why do we live? What is the point in breathing, in heart beat? Is there any sense in surviving, in prolonging of the misery of this world? Because if it is – and if I saw it once – I can´t see it now. It´s gone, like all I ever loved, hated, believed in – felt.
I thought I made the right decision. I had doubts, of course, but who doesn´t? But most of the time I was glad I gave up everything, left it behind me. For you, Anna. Everything I did was for you. Maybe you didn´t realise it, but you were the reason why I lived. I thought I was born to be with you, that we were meant to be together, no matter how impossible and unthinkable it seemed to be.
When I first saw you, I knew I was lost. There wasn´t any thing that would matter, nothing could stand between us, at least in my eyes. Who cared that you were married, that you had a son? I could make you happy, I could give you love, I could give you anything you´d want – I needed to give you what you wanted. How little mattered anything but you when I saw your beautiful, proud figure, your elegant neck, your shining raven hair! And nothing mattered when I looked into your vivid, beautiful eyes, which could be loving, admiring, caring, proud, angry, scared, bored and hating in one. In the moment I first looked into them, I almost burnt because of all the life which was hiding inside of you, waiting to be waken up. Waiting for me to let it out.
I knew I had no chance but love you when I first spoke to you. And when I got to know you better, I couldn´t fall asleep without thinking of you, you were my drug and the more I had the more I needed.
My Anna, my poor, sweet, innocent Anna!
Every time I nearly lost you – every time – I cried in relief when you returned back to me. I was desperate, miserable every time you were away from me. And when I wanted to kill myself after our child was born, I thought the pain I felt was the worst I´d ever experienced – and will ever experience. Every time I thought about us, I pictured myself dying before you, I would have never been able to think about your death. I always thought you´ll live forever, you were so full of life – even when I thought you were dying, you were always more living than me.
I couldn´t understand why you loved your son – his son – so much while you seemed to be absolutely unintrested in our little girl. I didn´t get it, I didn´t understand it, but I couldn´t hate you for that. No matter how much I wanted to hate you – to be able to – I found out it was impossible, my love was too strong to be overome. I could hate myself, I could hate my love to you, I could hate our child, I could hate the whole world. I could hate anybody, but not you, because you were a saint, untouchable. In some moments, I hated the whole world. But I´ve never hated you, I wasn´t able to.
My beautiful Anna!
And now, I can´t stop hating myself. Everybody says it wasn´t my fault – you were spoilt and lost and I couldn´t save you from falling down, below, into the depth and on the bottom – under the wheels of a train. But I know they´re not right. I killed you. You did it as a revenge to me, to hurt me – because you knew it´ll destroy me. I know it and I know you wanted me to know. You wanted to punish me for what I´ve done to you. You were so clever, even when you were planning how to punish me. You couldn´t find a better way to nearly kill me.
The more I think about it, the less I know what I have done wrong. I can´t really understand it. Why?! I loved you and hated the power you had over me, you scared me. You might have not noticed, but sometimes I was so terrified you were really going to leave me – to take me all I had – that I rather avoided you. I didn´t want to argue with you, to upset you because I couldn´t imagine my life without you.
My dearest, purest Anna. What have I done wrong?!
I didn´t know what you expected me to do, and I had no idea what you were going to do, you were less and less predictable so at last I had no idea what you wanted, what you disliked, who you hated. And did you love me? Of course you didn´t. If you did, you wouldn´t do that to me!
Oh Anna, how did I deserved this?!
However now when you´re gone, nothing really matters. I don´t feel anything, because all the emotions I might feel are so tiny, so unimportant compared to the love, passion and hatred you ignited in me. The only thing I realise is pain, deep terrible pain in my chest as if somebody made a big hole there – not somebody, you, Anna. And I know, somewhere inside, that I should be sad. Maybe I am, but I can´t really feel anything, this ability – my whole heart – died together with you under the train, and it can´t return back to my life anymore. Everything what seemed to matter is now unimportant when I lost the meaning of life.
And yet, I can´t die – I know I mustn´t die because of the pain I caused to you, for killing you. You, my proud, strong, beautiful Anna. And still, you were too fragile, much more fragile I ever thought you might be. How easy it was for the train to do such a harm to the body I once held in arms, kissed, felt its warmth.
When I first saw you, when they took you up from under the train, I couldn´t literally believe my eyes. That broken, damaged body wasn´t you– that was some old and really big doll, someone´s bad joke to frighten me. I stare at your injured body, broken, changed but still yours and I couldn´t move. I wanted to shout but I wasn´t able to produce any sound. I wanted to cry, but the tears didn´t come. I wanted to do many things – to make people stop staring at your body, I wanted to take you away and try to vivify you, I wanted to close your eyes and make you look more decent. Nevertheless my body refused to obey what the brain had ordered.
Can you even imagine how terrible it was for me, Anna?
So I ended up standing there, in the crowd of gapers, shamelessly invading your privacy. Even now when you were dead, people were gossiping about you, gazing on your motionless body. Then I saw mother, who came here, running through the crowd, trying to look concerned while she was celebrating the triumph. I hated her so desperately in that moment I wanted to take her in arms and jump under the first train I´d see. Because all the hope I felt I could kill myself, has now gone, because she will never let me do it. She´ll attach me to herself and will never let me go.
I fell on my knees, hiding face in hands and finally managing to cry. I remember mother coming to me, accompanied by the butler and I knew everything was lost. I didn´t want to live and now I didn´t even want to die. I didn´t want to do anything. I was so indifferent I had no idea how did I get into the carriage – not that I cared.
But now I´m sitting here and think about it all. I left your body there, even though I know I shouldn´t. But I felt so hurt and damaged I couldn´t really function. I couldn´t see your tiny body again, your frightened face which was – even in its last terror – telling me it was all my fault. So I just think about what will be with my beloved Anna, not your body, but your soul. Because no matter what the church says about people comitting suicides, who would be an angel if you weren´t? You were an angel even when you lived! You brought me to light from the darkness of my previous life. You deserve to be an angel. And it was me who killed you, you weren´t guilty, you weren´t the one who ended your life. I hate your cleverness, how you made me guilty, went to heaven, knowing I can´t reach you here, because I will never get there. And still I can´t hate you.
Are you an angel, Anna?
„Alexey, give me your bowtie," mother says coldly, as if I didn´t just lose my life.
„What? I´m sure it´s a bit inappropriate," I answer and try to untie it. Because I have only seconds to do what I want. All my will to die is now back, stronger than before, when I see future with my mother, not letting me to talk to anybody, to do anything.
„Maybe. But I´d rather stand you´re not wearing a bowtie than watching you choking yourself." She says and streches an arm to me. I stare at her hand and then I give her the bowtie with a sigh and hating gaze. She smiles, but there is no joy in her face.
Okay. I lost my last chance because since now, she´ll guard me so well I doubt she´ll let me open letters with a paper knife. What if.
I sigh, turn from her and shut my eyes. Anna, do you see what you´ve done?! Don´t you see how miserable I feel? I hope you do, and yet I don´t want you to suffer, because I realise I was the reason why you jumped under the train.
Will you please forgive me? I know this can´t be forgiven, but will you try?
I know you are somewhere there, I know you can hear me. And I know I am the one who got you there so I hope it´s a better place than Russia. Don´t you see how much did you damage me? I´m destroyed, lost, but I can´t die and follow you, I´m not allowed to. Do you know how frustrating it is?! I know I can´t get an answer, but will you wait for me? Now you see I loved you, I was so frightened I might I get you angry by what I have done that I didn´t realise I might get you angry by what I haven´t. I´m sorry. I´m very, very sorry for that; I love you. Always have and always will. You´ll be my only love. And I hope you´ll wait for me. I know I want much, but I hope you´ll understand and let me be by your side.
Because I would get mad if you didn´t. Do you want me to? Is that what you want? To destroy me completely? I don´t believe you´re that heartless. I´ve seen your soul, I´ve held you in arms, I´ve seen you in the deepest emotions. And I know you´re not heartless. You´re a loving woman. And you love me, at least once you did.
You won´t let me be without you, will you?
You forgave me, I´m sure you did. You´re loving, you don´t want anybody to suffer, not even me. I know you wanted to hurt me – and you managed as you can see – but I´m sure it´s over. Now you see I loved you, I just wasn´t able to show it. You´re the best thing that ever happened to me, the most beautiful flower, the brightest star. Will you lead me? Through my blindness and pain, through my uncertainty, to the place where you are? Please, I beg you.
You will be the lighthouse, leading me to the safety of harbour. Oh, Anna!
To the place where you are. And I will follow you anywhere you are. And I will never let you go. I promise.