Paralysed and freezing your
truth has left me bleeding and
closer than I've ever been
-Closer, Sarah Slean
To: Maegan! This is the hardest thing I ever had to write. I'm sorry It's a little late...well, a lot late, but I hope you like it!
Disclaimer: not mine
Draco couldn't focus on Pansy. For some reason or another they were sitting across from each other in a small muggle café. He didn't want to be here, it was stuffy, and bright and so full of her.
Pansy continues to talk in that same annoying voice, gossiping away. He said this today, and she wore that. Draco wants to leave…in more ways than one, but he won't. He'll stay there for as long as forever. He thinks that might be okay as long as he doesn't have to talk to Pansy.
As they sit there…Pansy speaking, people muttering, eating, Draco remembers.
Small smiles quick goodmornings.
Pansy doesn't noticethat Draco is drowning himself in memories…a pitifully attempt to forget here and now.
Draco can still feel gentle fingers on his back, soft speaking, and no harshness. He is sure that if he could just grasp the thought of her firmly, just hold it right there…it would all go away. He is also sure he's lost his mind.
Pansy doesn't notice the way Draco doesn't look her in the eye, the same way she didn't notice Draco missing from the bed. Because Pansy doesn't see things like that, she didn't want to know that she too was the subject of gossip.
They don't look happy…he's gone all the time…just like his father that one…Draco wants to scream at Pansy. She's supposed to love him and yet she doesn't see he's sitting right across from her and he's dying slowly.
Draco dreads the autumn and can't wait for it all at the same time. He wants to hide way from the pain and memories it brings, but he wants to remember her again. He thinks it's the only thing keeping him alive but he knows it's the only thing that's killing him. He doesn't want to admit that she has so much control, so much power over him.
Whispers, kisses, "I love you."
Pansy glances at the clock. She knows she's lost Draco, but she won't let that show, she'll support him through this storm, it'll pass. She knows this will pass, that thought keeps her going. She wonders if he ever loved her, or if he was so consumed with wanting another woman he forgot she was there. When he did remember her, he regretted it, she could tell.
Draco grips the edge of his seat with both hands. Memories, sounds, music, voices threaten to override his mind…take over and force him to leave the outside world.
"Leave."
Pain like nothing else he has ever felt, and he has felt a lot, washes over him. He is nearly relieved. Anything that has to do with her is enough for him.
"What-?'
"I said leave. I don't want you here anymore."
"I don't see why you come home anymore."
Draco looks at Pansy. Confused, because he doesn't understand, she doesn't know about her.
Soft brown hair. Cinnamon eyes, angry demanding, no longer gentle.
Draco stares. "I love you." he says it with no emotion, unlike the man and his girlfriend next to them. They are leaned in toward each other looking happy, bemused and smitten all at once.
Hard nails in his skin. Whimpers, moans, pain.
Pansy looks away, embarrassed for him now. His lies are so easy to spot; he's far to gone to save. Everyone knows. Even Potter looks away when he sees them. Not that Draco would notice, he's too caught up in a life he's already lived.
He's to far lost in her. Pansy knew that Draco thought she didn't see what was happening to him. However, she saw everything.
It is perhaps unfortunate that they chose to enter the café now. If they had come 5 minutes later, Draco and Pansy may have already left. As it was they hadn't and when Draco looked up from the table his eyes met hers.
She met the real him here.
Two years ago, they had bumped into each other.
Shocked expressions. "What are you doing here?" "I like it, the coffee is good."
Raised eyebrows. "Pansy won't come here."
When he had met her here, she smiled at him, now it was a smirk, a knowing look that told Draco she knew she had won, it was obvious by his state. He was pale, hie gray eyes rimmed black, rumpled clothing. Weasley was with her. He sneered at Draco.
The blond man wondered if the redhead knew his wife had been sleeping with him twice a week…not working late, not visiting Harry, Ginny, her mother, anyone…
Draco stared at Hermione, the café's other customers filtered in and out coffee, girlfriends, boyfriends, friends, all talking, whispering, but even that couldn't cover the sound of Draco's heart pounding in his ear.
Ron and Hermione chose a table two away from Draco…Hermione watching Draco the whole time, Pansy paying the check.
Hermione covered Ron hands with her own and smiled at him, whispering something that made the man laugh. Draco heard soft laughter, low mummers in his ears…memories of autumn…leaves red gold orange brown scattered about, a quick kiss under a night far darker than black.
It's the first time Draco has brought Pansy here, he is glad he has, she will want to leave fast, but he regrets it too all the same.
Draco feels the world leave him behind, he doesn't want to leave her, but he won't let her win either.
I want to keep her forever, he thinks as he and Pansy leave the restaurant.
He'll bury her body under the leaves.