I kneel here in the underworld, trying to figure out what was it that my destiny had in store for me. My purpose in Nosgoth. What was it that Kain had told me - a coin landing on its edge? A third choice? After hearing one of his many speeches I ventured out into the darkness, taking little heed of his words, only thinking of how much of an arrogant bastard he was. How dare he speak of himself as anything but a creature, the very thing I loathed, and the thing I once was… a vampire? Kain, as the lot of us were back then, was just a devil in a mask - or, rather, a blood thirsty beast under the guise of a highly held deity, someone who cast me down for seemingly no reason at all. I had envied Kain, as I did before all of this - he always talked of third choices and the like.
And alas, that 'third choice' was not mine to make.
When I had first heard of Janos Audron, I had assumed for him to be all of the same. I assumed for him to simply be another one of those creatures, just with a different physical mold. I had not known of the truth that would plague my mind - and my heart - to this day. What had portrayed him as a monster was anything but. Dark beauty, with traces of patience and a kindness that I could never hope to muster, the light in the darkness; that was what described him. Even under my slowly dissipating repugnance did he hold that warm smile, welcoming me with lonely eyes… Or, perhaps they were my own, looking back at his and distorting my vision, confusing the gestures displayed in those precious orbs of gold for something else.
I felt hurt looking at them. Looking at him. How could he stand there and think of me as anything but what I was? As I conversed with him, I could not help but think of him as a beauty - as I could not help but think of myself as a beast. Every part of me ached of the pains of my nonexistent heart, regretting the previous thoughts of Janos as he spoke on to me. I regret his subtle touches, and in spite of that I still I longed for them, hurting even more as I did so because I knew of what I had truly felt for him. But I never could say anything for fear of the other's thoughts - if his sudden acceptance of me would turn into revulsion. Fear took my voice, and as much as I would have loved to talk about something else, I wouldn't have allowed myself to say such things. I would forever keep them to myself.
Perhaps what I regret the most was the truth of his demise - I was the one to bring it to him. How long had he known? How could he take my claw and hold it with his own after what I've done to him? How could he talk to me with such compassion, talk of me as a hero and a savior, after I took from him what was rightfully his - his heart? And as he died, I felt feelings of self-loathing creeping up onto me… How could I betray someone like this? A stranger, someone who offered rest and sanctuary even when I had not needed it out of pure kindness - someone that I grew to love and care for - and repay all of that by killing him? I felt sick inside.
Looking back, I suddenly remember Kain's words - a third choice, he said…? Why not let me change everything that had happened, so that he could live on even though it may affect the time frame from which I, and possibly Kain, existed? To spare him the pain of being destroyed by someone who loved him? If I had the capability, I would have cried, then and there. Why not me? Why him? Why…?
I envied Kain, as I had before. He always talked of a third choice. And alas, that choice was not mine to make.
A/N - Characters © Eidos/Crystal Dynamics/Square Enix. I apologize for projective vomiting, inexplicable stabbing of the eyes, or any other miscellaneous inconveniences that are destructive.