Half Blood Prince Outtakes
Many people assume that books can't have outtakes. I pity them. Anyway, by incredible acts of detective work (these, I assure you, are not my own creative works) I've been able to ferret out some lost outtakes to the sixth and penultimate Harry Potter novel. Enjoy!
Outtake A - Locket Island.
"Professor?" he asked anxiously, as Dumbledore lowered the empty glass. "How do you feel?"
Dumbledore shook his head, his eyes closed. In silence, he drank three gobletsful of the potion. Then, halfway through the fourth goblet, he staggered and fell forward.
"Professor, can you hear me?"
Dumbledore did not answer. His face was twitching as though he was deeply asleep, but dreaming a horrible dream. "I don't want..." Dumbledore spoke, in a voice Harry did not recognize, for he had never heard Dumbledore frightened like this. "Don't make me..."
"You... you can't stop, Professor," said Harry. "You've got to keep drinking, remember?"
Hating himself, Harry forced the goblet back toward Dumbledore's mouth and tipped it, so that Dumbledore drank the remainder of the potion inside.
"No..." he groaned.
Harry refilled the goblet, his hand shaking. "It's all right, prof..."
"What.... what the... Why?!"
Harry whirled around. The boat which had ferried the headmaster and him to the island had somehow been pulled back to the distant shore, and was sailing towards the island once more; this time, bearing the person Harry least wanted to see.
Voldemort, however, didn't appear to have violence on his mind. In fact, the dark lord was sputtering noncoherently.
"Voldemort?" Harry asked, bewildered.
"Why," Voldemort finally thundered, "did he drink that potion?"
"Because we're trying to get to th-"
Voldemort groaned, as if not believing his ears. "It was a puzzle. A pretty simple puzzle. The liquid couldn't be siphoned, or vanished, or parted, or other such nonsense. The solution was to conjure a cup, scoop it out, and pour it out of the basin! What kind of daft idiot would come to the conclusion that you should drink a glowing green goo?"
"... Please make it stop, I know I did wrong..." Dumbledore moaned.
Voldemort rolled his eyes, getting back in the boat. "That's it. I'm tired of dealing with half-wit protagonists. I'll be in my trailer."
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Outtake B - Dumbledore's Passing
"Thank you," said Fleur stiffly. "I am sure zat will be lovely."
And then, Harry did not quite see how it happened, both women were crying and hugging each other.
"You see!" said a strained voice. Tonks was glaring at Lupin. "She still wants to marry him, even though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!"
"It's different," said Lupin, barely moving his lips. "Bill will not be a full werewolf. The cases are completely - "
"But I don't care either, I don't care! I've told you a million times..."
"And I've told you a million times," said Lupin, refusing to meet her eyes, staring at the floor, "that I'm too old for you, too poor... too dangerous... "
"I've said all along that you're taking a ridiculous line on this, Remus," said Mrs. Weasley over Fleur's shoulder.
"This is not the moment to discuss it," said Lupin, avoiding everybody's eyes as he looked around distractedly. "Dumbledore is dead..."
"Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world," said Professor McGonagall warmly as the hopsital doors opened again and Hagrid walked in. Harry saw that somehow, Hermione's hand had found its way to hold onto Ron's; he was just as surprised that his had done the same with Ginny.
The little of Hagrid's face that was not obscured by hair or beard was soaking and swollen. "I've... I've done it, Professor," he choked. "M-moved him..." The half-giant couldn't seem to say anything more and shook with tears; surprising everyone, McGonagall closed the distance and threw her arms around the gameskeeper's midsection, resting her head slightly above his stomach.
Silence descended on the hospital wing.
"Er... right," McGonagall said. "Sorry about that. Got carried away."
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Outtake C - Adventures in Scribing
"Mr. Filch has been looking for someone to clear out these old files. They are records of other Hogwarts wrongdoers and their punishments. Where the ink has grown faint, or the cards have suffered damage from mice, we would like you to copy out the crimes and punishments afresh and, making sure that they are in alphabetical order, replace them in the boxes."
"I thought you could start," Snape added, a malicious smile on his lips, "with boxes one thousand and twelve to one thousand and fifty-six. You will find some familiar names in there, which should add interest to the task. Here, you see..."
He pulled out a card from one of the topmost boxes with a fourish and read, "'James Potter and Sirius Black. Apprehended using an illegal stink-jinx upon Severus Snape. Double detention.'" Snape sneered. "It must be such a comfort to think that, though they are gone, a record of their great achievements remains..."
Harry felt the familiar boiling sensation in the pit of his stomach. Biting his tongue to prevent himself from retaliating, he sat down in front of the boxes and pulled one toward him. Picking up his quill, he started scribing; midline, he watched out of the corner of his eye as Snape left the room.
'James Potter and Sirius Black.' Harry wrote. 'Apprehended using an illegal stink-jinx upon Severus Snape. Later absolved. Was Mr. Snape's natural musk.'
"So much like your father," came a snide voice; Snape had returned. Harry didn't retort, trying to casually stick the mis-scribed card into the outgoing box. Snape sneered once more before sitting down behind the desk several feet away, apparently reading several scrolls of parchment.
'James Potter. Apprehended casting an illegal engorgement charm upon Severus Snape. Snape's nose twice normal size. Night Detention.'
'Twice the size,' Harry thought with a mental snort. 'Is that even possible?'
"Amused, Potter?" Snape's voice cut across the room.
"No, Professor," Harry immediately replied, putting his quill to the fresh card. 'James Potter. Apprehended casting an illegal engorgement charm upon Severus Snape. We can't say where, lest a first year read this.'
Harry flittered through the cards, ostensibly looking for ones damaged; truthfully, he was now curious about the various misdeeds of previous students. Less than a minute later, Harry found another misdeed, this time also involving Remus Lupin. "Whoa," Harry involuntarily said, reading the card. "There's actually a charm to make a person's underpants sprout legs and run around?"
Snape angrily rose, walking over to Harry, his face etched in anger. "I suggest," he said in a low voice, "That you concentrate on your work. Otherwise, we will be continuing on into the next year."
Harry swallowed, mutely returning to the cards.
'Oh!' Harry thought. 'Now this is a good one! They used a disallusionment charm with a reductor blast... and this bit of transfiguration must've been funny to watch afterwards... ooh, I wonder how the healers fixed his head?'
However, Snape seemed to realize that someone was amiss; the man was now glaring at him from across the room. "Enough!" he snarled.
"Just a second, let me finish this next one; there's a really cool idea about..."
The next thing Harry knew, his body was being magically hurled from the room.
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Outtakes D - Christmas Caper
"Ten Galleons?"
"Awfully steep..."
"Only if you're not confident, dear brother."
Fred looked George in the eye. "Fine, whoever can break apart the snogging sensation will win. Rules?"
"Rules?" George asked back.
"Right," Fred replied, grinning.
"So, what strategy are you taking?"
Fred pulled out a roll of parchment. Read it and weep; those ten galleons are mine." George scoffed, reading the writing - which was bewitched to look like a different Weasley's handwriting:
Lav,
I just wanted to tell you that I love you. Christmas is unbearable without you, and I can't wait until I get back to the castle! I really miss those baby noises you make, and especially when you call me all those cute nicknames like WonWon. And I adore how you're always around me, every moment of every day.
Lots of Love,
Won Won
"Poor boy," Fred remarked with a grin while George gagged. "She'll be all over him. He'll break it off within two hours. Give up?"
"Not quite," George replied.
"Well, what have you got?" Fred demanded.
"Oh, I'm not going to show you. I've got a little gift that Ron's going to get - from Lavender, of course..."
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Outtake E - Conversations With Myrtyle
The most curious sound was coming from the U-Bend. It sounded like some boy was struggling with something, a terrified sort of whimper. Myrtyle floated up through the pipes, coming out in the boys bathroom, watching as an older boy sat upon a toilet. His head was held in his hands as he gave a shudder.
Myrtyle floated closer, feeling something within her, a shred of empathy that she hadn't felt in quite awhile.
"I... can't.... I can't..." the boy murmurred.
"It's okay," Myrtyle whispered back.
"Agh!" the boy said, immediately frightened. "Oh, it's you," he said, looking back down with a half-groan, half-gasping sound. "You startled me."
"I'm sorry," Myrtyle replied. "Is... is everything okay."
"No, it's not," the boy answered back in a dead tone. "Things are just... it's so hard."
Draco seemed to dissolve into tears. "I feel like I'm going to explode," he said in what could be best described as a high-pitched groan. "No one can help me." His whole body dissolved into shaking. "I can't do it... I can't..."
Myrtyle could swear she heard far off sniggering, but she moved to console the boy. "It's okay... I'll be back tomorrow," the boy whispered in a sad, deadened voice. She wanted to float after him, but she could tell from his hunched demeanor and the painful way that he walked that Draco wasn't ready to talk. "I'll be here," she called after him inconsequentially.
A few seconds later, though, she heard sniggering again from outside the bathroom. For a few seconds, she thought that Draco had been playing with her, that they were all laughing at her. She flew outside into the corridor, only to find a Hufflepuff student there instead.
"Guess that stuff really works," Ernie guffawed. "U-No-Poo.... classic...."