01. Only the Lonely / The Motels
The table was tucked into the corner, half in shadow, far back enough for privacy, but close enough to the rail to have a decent view. Kaidan had picked it particularly. He'd cased Apollo's a while ago, before he even sent the note.
He spotted Shepard coming in before she saw him. The sight of her ramped up his nervousness; but as she came close, he felt a strange sense of calm. He knew this was the right thing to do.
She sat.
"Do you-"
"What do-"
They both spoke at once, then subsided into awkward silence.
"Um," he said.
She stayed quiet, patient, giving him time to collect his thoughts.
He swallowed, nerves jangling. Now it was crunch time, and after hours lying awake, mentally writing the script for this conversation, one of the most important conversations he'd ever have, he had no idea what to say. They'd made up in the hospital, sure, but was that enough?
Fuck it. There was nowhere to go but forward.
He took a deep breath and began with I love you.
02. Marry You / Bruno Mars
Shepard lay in the almost-dark, watching the rise and fall of Kaidan's chest in the glowing light of the clock. His breathing was even, but she knew he wasn't sleeping.
The "quick drink" had led to a very enjoyable interlude, but afterwards, it was hard to ignore the sense of impending doom. Their conversation was forced and brief until finally they stopped trying, and waited to drop into uneasy sleep. Shepard hated it. She didn't want what could be their last night to be... melancholy.
Suddenly, she knew-it was time. She'd been waiting for the right moment, but what could be better than this?
She rolled over and propped her elbows on his chest."When this is over, will you marry me?" she asked.
He blinked. "For real?"
She punched him on the shoulder. "No, I'm just fucking with you. Yeah, for real."
"Might be hard to find a good place for a wedding."
"We'll do it over Harbinger's corpse. Very romantic."
He laughed, pulling her close.
"Well?" She made a conscious effort not to bite her lip. It wouldn't do to look nervous. She hadn't really expected him to say no-but what was taking so long?
"Well, what?"
"You didn't answer my question."
"Oh. Right. Well-yeah, of course! I was just surprised."
"Good." She leaned over and gave him a hearty smooch. "Sorry I didn't get you a ring," she said. "Most of the good jewelry places are closed."
"When this is over, we'll get a couple of them."
She smiled and rested her head on his chest, and pretended not to hear if this is over ringing in the silence.
03. Blue Jay Way / The Beatles
The fog is thick. Dense. Shepard breathes, in out, in out.
The voices surround her.
Shepard. Shepard. Shepard-Commander.
She moves forward.
Some things are beyond even you.
Forward towards a flash of white.
I don't regret a thing.
She reaches for a shape in the mist.
Does this unit have a soul?
She watches herself as she bursts into flames.
04. Konichiwa Bitches / Robyn
Kaidan wasn't sure exactly when he'd fallen in love with Commander Shepard. Maybe it was the first time he'd heard her voice, when he'd slid out from under a panel in the cockpit with black grease smeared across his face and found himself eye to eye with a bright-haired woman whose perfect officer's poker face was only slightly hampered by the glint of amusement in her eyes.
Maybe it was across the card table in the officers' mess, when she'd quirked her lips and raised her eyebrows and said "Think you can take me, Lieutenant?", and he'd felt the bottom drop out of his stomach as he pictured all the ways he wanted to take her, none of which involved cards.
Maybe it was the first time they'd come back from a mission-she'd taken her helmet off and her hair was sticking out every which way, making her look like she'd had a bad electric shock. She was drenched in sweat. A drop had rolled down her nose, and he'd had the absurd urge to kiss it.
She was powerful. Deadly. Kind of scary. And pretty damn close to perfect.
Not that she didn't have her faults. She was impossibly stubborn. She was an insufferable smartass. She snored. And worst of all, she was an Oilers fan.
But, he thought, that was the great thing about love-it stuck around even when the object of it was driving you crazy.
As he watched her sparring with Vega (and winning; she was a tall, muscular woman, but a lot quicker than she looked), he was overcome with a flood of affection. He knew he was lucky. They both were.
05. Marie's the Name (His Latest Flame) / Elvis Presley
She has no idea what to expect when her terminal pings and she sees his name. More judgment? More jumping to conclusions? (Logical conclusions, her traitor-brain mutters, and she pushes that thought aside.) More accusations? She screws up her face as the message blinks open.
To her surprise, there's none of those things. Instead, there's... calm. Reason. Even an apology.
And a doctor.
To her disgust, she feels what can only be a tiny pang of envy.
She gives herself a mental smack on the forehead. It's only natural for him to move on. She'd been dead, for fuck's sake. Not like she'd been on vacation. And considering how their reunion had gone, maybe it's just as well.
If she's honest with herself, she has to admit it isn't. Angry though she is, she thinks she wants to try to work it out. Maybe. He sounds hesitant, and so is she, but it's worth a shot. Isn't it?
She shakes her head. What is she doing? She's Commander fucking Shepard, about to mount a deadly mission to the heart of the galaxy. She doesn't have time for something as petty as jealousy. This is ridiculous.
She can reply, at least. Whatever happens, at least it's a start.
Fingers poised over the terminal, she begins to type.
06. How We Operate / Gomez
Shepard sat slumped at the table. It was morning. Her head felt fuzzy from lack of sleep, and there was no caffeine in sight.
As if she'd conjured it up out of thin air, a mug slid into view, with a hand attached.
"What the hell is this?" she asked, barely resisting the urge to snatch it and cradle it to her chest.
"It's coffee. Last time I checked, you liked it." Kaidan sounded as surly as she felt.
"You want to keep going?" she snapped.
"After last night? No."
"Good." She picked up the mug.
"You could just admit you were wrong," he said.
"I wasn't."
"I forgot. Commander Shepard is never wrong."
Shepard bared her teeth. If she'd been less exhausted, it would've been a snarl. "Was this coffee supposed to be a peace offering or not?" she asked.
"It was."
She took a long sip from the mug, the hot coffee scalding the roof of her mouth, fragrant steam wafting into her nostrils. It felt like coming alive.
"I... might have been mistaken," she admitted grudgingly, after a few more drinks.
"Might?"
"Okay, I was mistaken. Happy? Christ, Alenko."
"Sorry."
They stared grumpily into their mugs.
"I don't like fighting with you," Kaidan said after a pause.
"Me neither," Shepard admitted.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"Me, too." She flashed a sudden smile. "I could probably come up with a way you could make it up to me."
His eyebrows went up. "Oh?"
"Come over here and I'll show you," she said.
07. Someone to Watch over Me / Etta James
It took Shepard some time to get used to her new squad.
Not that they were hard to work with-they were nothing if not professional, even Jack, when it came down to the wire-but for a few wonderful months, she and Kaidan had had a perfect understanding that she'd never experienced before.
They'd move quickly, her sweeping the front, him floating hidden adversaries out from their cover in clouds of blue. In close quarters, they'd be secure, back-to-back. They'd memorized each other's movements on the battlefield, and when their study had shifted to the bedroom, they'd remained perfectly attuned, every move in sync.
It just wasn't the same, having a different biotic at her back, even though Miranda was faultlessly capable. It had taken a long time to get used to hearing the click of her heels instead of the clomp of armored boots. Not to mention that she wasn't dragging Miranda away for clandestine kisses in dark corners.
It just wasn't the same.
She missed him.
Maybe he missed her too.
08. I Wanna Live / The Ramones
After the day she'd had, Shepard had thought she'd be asleep the minute she flopped into bed. But several hours later, she hadn't even closed her eyes.
The satisfaction of a job well done sustained her, at least for a while. But she couldn't stop her mind from racing, rapid-fire questions with no answers peppering her thoughts. What must her life have been like? What had been so horrible that made dying seem a better prospect than living?
As she lay awake, she played the scene over and over in her head, always coming back to the moment the clone fell, the expression on her face as she looked her straight in the eye and let go.
Kaidan's voice came out of the dark, and she jumped. "Still up?" he asked.
"Can't sleep," she mumbled.
"What's on your mind?"
"I watched myself die today," she said, willing her voice not to waver. Then, plaintively: "Why did she do it?"
Kaidan hesitated, put on his thinking-face. "She didn't have anyone," he said finally. "Just Brooks. And she manipulated her from the start."
Shepard looked down. Her voice grew quiet. "That could've been me. If I hadn't had Miranda-if someone like Brooks got hold of me-"
She couldn't finish the thought. It pained her still to think about how vulnerable she'd been, she who'd always prided herself on her resiliency, her self-sufficiency. A control freak, Kaidan always said (and she always shot back you should talk). No one screwed with Commander Shepard.
Unless she was dead at the time.
"What if that's all I am?" she said.
"It's not," he replied immediately.
"How do you know? You thought so before."
He looked away. "I didn't have all the facts before. Neither did you."
"Yeah." She paused, then blurted out "You know they almost put a control chip in my brain?"
"What?"
"Miranda told me. She said the only reason they didn't is because it wouldn't make me me. Whatever me means."
"Jesus." He reached out. Cupping her chin in his hand, he searched her face, and caught her eye.
"Look," he said. "No matter what, you are who you are. Like she said, you're you. Cerberus couldn't take that away. They tried to manipulate you, just like Brooks did, and you didn't fall for it. Doesn't that mean something?"
"I guess." She didn't have anyone. The words echoed in her brain. The clone had had Brooks and a bunch of mercenaries, and only one objective, and she'd failed. The only person she'd trusted had betrayed her. In that moment, she'd lost hope. Even when she, Shepard, had been at her lowest, there had always been another mission, something she could focus on to keep moving. She'd had support.
"She went on her own terms," Shepard said with a rueful half-smile. "Maybe she's more like me than I thought."
"You didn't give up," Kaidan pointed out.
"Neither did she, really. She made a choice. No matter who was manipulating her, she chose for herself in the end. Even if it was kind of fucked up."
"The whole thing was pretty fucked up."
"Yeah." She shuddered. He folded her in his arms, and they lay back against the pillows.
"I know what you mean," he murmured, voice muffled. "It scared the shit out of me, watching her go over. I knew it wasn't you, but..."
"I know. Don't worry. You know me, I always come back." Her grin was half-hearted, but it did the trick.
He chuckled. "I'm going to hold you to that."
So many people trusted her to make the right choices, and at least one person had absolute, unshakeable faith in her. It was a heady feeling.
She snuggled closer.
09. Eulogy / Patrick Wolf
She doesn't want to go like this.
Not so close. So close to achieving everything she'd fought for, everything her friends had died for.
She pictures their faces. If this is the end, she wants them with her, as best they can be. Garrus. Miranda. Wrex. Kaidan. Kaidan, most of all.
She grits her teeth through the pain, and when Hackett's voice echoes in her ear, she struggles to her feet.
"What do you need me to do?" she asks. The end, she thinks, is negotiable.
10. Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay / Otis Redding
They sat in companionable silence.
The cabin was settled in solitude. The water, deepest blue-green, sparkled in the sunlight, and waves lapped gently against the shore. Every once in a while the surface broke with the brilliant shine of a fish's scales. The clean scent of fir and fresh air wafted around them.
Here, watching the tops of the trees sway in the breeze, Shepard felt, for the first time in years, relaxed. No more reapers. No more suicide missions. They'd both be going back to the Alliance in time, and they'd be immersed once again in bureaucracy and lost causes, but as she listened to the creak of the porch swing and the croaking herons, beer bottles sweating on the floor by their feet, it all seemed very far away.
For so long, everything had been filled with uncertainty. This was real. Permanent. And by God, they'd earned it.
She leaned into Kaidan's shoulder, and his arm tightened around her as they watched the sun set.