A Bit of MK Silliness by Biku
"Another Tournament!" Johnny Cage exclaimed. "You can't be serious!"
"Perfectly serious," Rayden argued. "This time, it's a foe much worse than Shang Tsung or Shao Khan, or even that guy without the hair."
"Quan Chi?" Liu Kang asked. They were all at the Temple of Light, having been summoned by the Thunder God.
"That's the one. This foe is so dangerous--so dastardly--nearly indestructible--" Rayden trailed off.
"Who? Rayden, quit fooling around, and just tell us!" demanded Sonya Blade.
"You will find out at the Tournament. Come on, let's go." Rayden opened up a portal and stepped through.
"What? We're just supposed to follow him?" Sonya asked indignantly.
Johnny and Liu shrugged. "Why not, we did last time," Liu replied.
"And we mostly survived," Johnny added, as the two stepped through the portal. Sonya grumbled, and followed behind them.
"Ah. Rayden and the mortals of Earth," said the first Elder God, who was trying
to keep the other Elder Gods from snickering so much in the background. "Are you
ready to meet your opponents?"
"We are," Rayden declared.
"No we're not," Johnny muttered.
"Shut up, you."
"Make me!"
"Silence!" boomed the Elder God, his face hidden behind the cloak he wore. "Liu Kang--Champion of the Last Mortal Kombat--meet your first opponent: Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town!"
Liu stepped out onto the arena. He was met by a small boy. "What?" Liu
exclaimed. "I'm not going to fight a child!"
"If you don't, then you forfeit!" the small boy cried. "I'm Ash Ketchum, and I'm going to be the world's greatest pokémon master!"
"That's great, kid, you do that," Liu replied with a sigh. "Rayden, what's going on here?"
On the sidelines the thunder god shrugged. "I don't know. Ask the Elders, not me."
"I'm going to fight, even if you aren't!" Ash continued. He pulled a small red-and-white ball from his belt. "Pikachu! I choose you!"
A large yellow rodent appeared on the arena. It blinked at its surroundings, and then cooed at Ash.
Liu stared, eyebrow raised. "What the hell? Is that supposed to be your animality, or something?"
"That's Pikachu, and he's going to win me the Earth Badge!" Ash declared. "Pikachu! Quick attack!"
The yellow rodent, crouched, and then leapt, throwing itself at Liu, too fast to be seen. It was clawing at his throat. "WAAAAAAHHHH! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME!"
"Pikachu!" Ash cried. "THUNDER SHOCK!"
Suddenly the yellow rodent began to give off large amounts of electricity, which snapped around Liu. He yelled out, then fainted. The rodent leapt off, and ran over to its trainer.
"First round goes to Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town!" the Elders cried, ringing a large gong that was painted with a dragon.
Johnny, Rayden, and Sonya stared with their mouths dropped to the floor. "This
is unbelievable!" Johnny managed to croak. "Liu--! Yellow rodent--! Lightning--! What
the hell did you get us into, Rayden?"
"Oh, yeah, like it's always my fault," Rayden snapped, still getting over his shock.
"The next round will be slightly different," the Elder God--or rather, Goddess--declared, after Liu Kang had been dragged off the raised arena and checked out. He was
fine, but unconscious. "It will be two-on-two. Johnny Cage and Sonya Blade of Earth
versus Brock Flint and Misty Pool of Pewter and Cerulean City, respectively. There will
be an allowance of one Pokémon each."
"We don't have pokémon, whatever those are," Sonya snapped. The Elder Goddess shrugged.
"That's not my problem. You should have thought of that before hand. Let the match begin!"
Johnny and Sonya exchanged glances and stepped into the arena. A teenage boy and a young girl stepped into the ring opposite them.
"Onix! I choose you!" cried the teenage boy, who, upon closer inspection, appeared to have no eyes.
"Staryu! I choose you!" cried the young girl, who, upon closer inspection, did not seem to be wearing anything more than a shrunken tank top, suspenders, and hot pants.
"Uh--I choose--uh--we don't have anything to choose, do we?" Johnny muttered. "Damn."
"Holy--" Sonya yelped, pointing. "What the hell is that?"
A giant rock snake had appeared. Its head scraped the ceiling of the arena. It roared, shaking everything around it, including the Kombatants. Beside the snake was a giant starfish, with a great red gem in its center.
"I have a bad feeling about this," Johnny said, getting his voice back. "Rayden--we could use some help, here!"
"I'm looking, I'm looking!" Rayden snapped, flipping his way through The Official Trainer's Guide. "Johnny! Onix is vulnerable to water! Try and use Staryu's water gun attack against it!"
Johnny and Sonya stopped, turned and stared. "WHAT?!" they cried in unison.
"Staryu--swift attack!" the girl cried. The starfish began to glow, and then stars of energy shot out of the gem in its center. Johnny threw himself to the ground, the energy blast missing him by inches.
"Onix--wrap attack!" the teenage boy cried. The snake lunged forward and caught Sonya in its coils, hoisting her off the ground.
"Ah--Johnny--!" she yelped, losing her breath.
"Johnny, use Staryu against it!" Rayden cried, waving the book at him. Johnny couldn't see the diagrams, however.
"This is not good. Hold on, Sonya!" He ran towards the rock snake, hoping to be able to distract it enough to let Sonya go. As its huge mouth swooped overhead, he decided to come up with a Plan B. Then he realized that the starfish was still following him around. An idea formed. "Sonya, I'm going to climb up to you!" he yelled, dodging the giant mouth once again, and running towards the coils. The rock snake howled, but couldn't reach him without letting Sonya go. Johnny started to climb up the snake's coil.
"Misty, do something!" Brock yelled. "He's going to save her!"
"I can't do anything, unless you want me to hit Onix, too!" Misty retorted. "Staryu! Wait for an opening! Then attack!"
"I've got an idea," Sonya said, gasping, as she tried to free herself, Johnny helping.
"If you incapacitate the twerps, I don't think the pokémon will be able to fight!"
"What makes you say that?" Johnny asked, trying to brace his feet for a better hold.
"Because they're only following orders. If there aren't any orders to follow--" Sonya let go, sighing with the strain. "Johnny. Knock out the guy, at least--then I'll be free too."
Johnny looked at her, and then down at the snake. The starfish was still hovering around, looking for an opening. "Okay. Wish me luck." He threw himself from the snake's back, landing and rolling towards the starfish; it shot at him again, this time a long stream of water. What had Rayden said? Water gun something. Johnny decided to modify the plan somewhat. Getting to his feet and running, he realize he was far more mobile than the starfish; within moments he was behind it. He threw himself onto the creature's back. It was as large as a Great Dane, maybe large; he could almost ride it. It struggled to throw him off.
"What the hell are you doing?" Sonya yelled.
"Trust me," he retorted, trying to maneuver the starfish around. It was still struggling to throw him off. Finally it was in position; Johnny leapt off its back and started running in front of it. The starfish, following its orders to the letter, saw an opening to attack: namely, its target was right in front of it. It opened fire with its water gun attack. Johnny dived to the ground, the plume of water sailing over his head and hitting Onix square in the side.
"Oh no! Onix!" Brock cried, in despair.
"I told you--oh, no!" Misty wailed.
Onix started thrashing around, shaking its head and roaring. The coils loosened and Sonya jumped to the ground, rolling out of the way of the creature's tail. Finally the beast crashed to the ground, unconscious.
"Good job!" Sonya yelled to Johnny, who was still trying to dodge Staryu. "Now it's my turn." She started towards the pair of children.
"This is not good," Brock muttered, as he saw Sonya bearing down on them. "I think she's going to take it personally!"
"There's still Staryu--" Misty began to say, until she saw that the poor starfish, deprived of water, was not handling the battle as well as it should; trying to hit Johnny Cage, who was running and dodging, was taking too much out of it. "Brock--I think we should just forfeit--Brock!"
Sonya had Brock by the collar. His feet were right off the ground and dangling. "Now, now," Brock began, going pale. "Maybe we could talk about this over coffee? You're an attractive woman--gaak!" Sonya started shaking him.
"Stop it!" Misty ran forward and grabbed onto Sonya's arm; Sonya, deftly, snatched her arm away and grabbed Misty by the suspenders, hauling her up with Brock. "Stop it! I forfeit! I forfeit!" Sonya dropped her, unceremoniously, on the ground.
"Me too!" Brock yelled, his voice a high squeak. He was also dropped.
Sonya turned to face the Elders, who were murmuring amongst themselves. The third and final Elder, who was much shorter than the other two--not that size was important among the deities--stepped forward.
"We declare," it began, "that the match was a draw!"
"What?" Johnny roared, approaching the edge of the arena where Rayden was waiting. "How can you say that? We beat them fair and square and they had an unfair advantage!"
"You did beat them--you defeated Onix and Staryu fairly. But," the Elder went on, "Sonya's intimidation was not needed. It's on that act alone that we base our ruling. The match is a draw."
"How can you say that--" Sonya started, but Rayden held up a hand.
"You can't go against the Elder Gods," he said, sternly.
"What are you talking about? You do all the time!"
"I never said I couldn't go against them, I said you couldn't!" Rayden turned back to face the Elders, but they were talking amongst themselves again.
"We have decided," the first, male, Elder began, "That the Tournament will be decided by one match. Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town--versus Rayden, Lord of Earthrealm!"
There was silence, stunned silence, for about half-a-minute.
"WHAT?" Rayden roared, incredulous. "I'm not fighting!"
"Yes you are," replied the Elder.
"But--but!"
"No buts, Rayden."
"But fighting? In a Tournament against a ten-year-old boy? You have got to be kidding me!"
"This is no joke, Lord Rayden," said the second, female, Elder. "This is the Sacred Mortal Kombat Tournament." The other two elders snickered. "And you must face Ash Ketchum."
"This is just because I make fun of them behind their backs, I know it," Rayden
grumbled, climbing on the arena. "All right, you little squirt, where are you?"
"I'm Ash Ketchum and I'm going to be the Greatest Pokémon Master ever!" Ash cried.
"I didn't say who, I said where," Rayden snapped, looking bored. "Whatever. Let's get this charade over with."
Ash nodded. "Pikachu! I choose you!" The yellow rodent appeared again, facing Rayden down. It looked at the Thunder God, then panicked and ran back to Ash. "What's the matter?" Ash picked it up and squeezed it. "You can do it, Pikachu!"
It started nattering at him.
"Of course he's not a god, don't be silly," Ash snapped, setting the rodent back down. "Go get him."
Pikachu inched forward, carefully. It chattered in Rayden's direction.
"I know you don't want to," he said to it, smiling slightly. "But you heard the Elders."
Pikachu started to whimper and put its paws over its head.
"Pikachu! Fight!" Ash yelled. "I don't understand--why aren't you battling? Use your quick attack!"
"It's not battling, Ash," Rayden began, lightning beginning to crackle in his eyes and around him, in a blue-white aura, "Because it knows it has no chance."
Ash backed up, eyes wide. Wider. "What--what is this? You're not part of the Earth Gym, are you?"
Thunder was roaring overhead. Lightning streaked through the air, blinding everyone. It seemed almost to wrap around Rayden like an electric mist. "You could say that," Rayden said, dryly.
"Everybody duck!" Johnny yelled, as he and Sonya threw themselves to the ground. Liu, fortunately, was still on the ground. Brock and Misty, realizing they had better follow the warriors from Earth, threw themselves down too. And just as well, for the next moment the entire arena seemed to explode with lightning and the power of the God of Thunder.
As the smoke cleared, Pikachu lifted its head. Every occupant of the arena and
surrounding area was covered in soot, but no one was actually harmed. Ash was out
cold, but still breathing. Pikachu sighed, glad the ordeal was over.
"I win," Rayden announced to the silent audience cheerfully. "Are we done yet?"
The Elders stared, then the first one stuttered: "Uh... well... I think Rayden won."
"You think that, do you?" Johnny remarked, getting to his feet and dusting himself off. "Oh well, I guess that's what makes you the Elders."
"I never want to do through that again," Brock muttered, getting to his feet and helping Misty up. "Is Ash okay?"
"He's fine," announced Rayden, sauntering off the arena. "Maybe a little toasted around the edges, but nothing Nurse Joy can't fix."
"Huh?" remarked Sonya.
"Never mind." Rayden waved the question away. "Okay, Elder Gods, we won the Tournament, so we're going to be saying sayonara--"
"Hold it right there!" interrupted the female elder. Her voice had suddenly become more shrill.
"She kinds sounds familiar," Misty commented.
Rayden squinted suspiciously. "Hey--you aren't the Elder Gods, are you? I knew there was something fishy in all of this!"
"Did someone mention fish?" asked the shortest Elder, who had suddenly acquired a horrendously bad accent.
"What the hell is going on here?" Sonya demanded, angrily.
"Prepare for trouble!" declared the female Elder!
"And make it double," seconded the male.
Brock and Misty exchanged glances. "Uh oh."
The elders suddenly whipped off their cloaks, revealing a woman with red hair, a man with blue hair, and a three-foot cat on its hind legs. The two humans were wearing uniforms with a big red R on the shirts.
"To protect the world from devastation!" the woman cried.
"To unite all people within our nation!" the man followed.
"Wait a second--who are these guys?" Johnny asked.
"Team Rocket," Misty said, with a yawn.
"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"
"To extend our reach to the stars above!"
Rayden glared. "You mean you're not the Elders?!"
"Jesse!"
"James--!" Team Rocket stopped in a panic, snapping out of their motto moment. They stared at each other. "Uh oh."
"I have a bad feeling about this," said the cat.
"The cat is talking," Johnny remarked, stunned.
"Thanks for the bulletin, Johnny," Sonya answered.
"You set up this whole thing, pretending to be the Elders--" Rayden continued.
"Ha ha, well, no, not really like that--they set it up, but we... convinced them to take a vacation and then we took their place," James explained.
Rayden raised an eyebrow. "Why?"
James stopped, opened-mouthed. "Huh?"
Jesse pushed herself in front. "Because we're evil! That's what we do!"
"Really," Rayden remarked dryly. Thunder rumbled overhead. "Would you like to see what I do?"
"Um, not really, we've seen enough, thanks," the cat stuttered. "Guys, let's get out of here!" They started to run, when a portal opened up suddenly. They all tripped over each other and fell through.
"Team Rocket's blasting off again--!" was heard faintly as the portal closed.
"You know, all of this is like a bad dream," Rayden muttered, shaking his head. "Let's go home."
"Yeah, I've got a bad headache but that's about it." Liu rubbed his head. "But did
we win?"
"Oh yeah." Johnny nodded. "It was a piece of cake."
"Really? That's not what Rayden told me."
"You can't listen to Rayden. He's always complaining. You'd think that he was the one fighting in the Tournaments!"
"That's true. At least it's all over."
"That's right. It's all over." Johnny looked up at the open sky overhead. "Do you hear me? No more Tournaments! It's all over!"
Rayden came sauntering out of the Temple. "Hey. Who are you talking to, Johnny?"
"No one," Johnny said with a sigh. "No one at all."
The End