What It's Worth
Summary: Sometimes growing up means breaking hearts and being heartbroken. Sometimes it means figuring out who you are and what you want. Casey Gardner is growing up fast now that Izzie has come into her life. Casey/Izzie.
Chapter One:
Casey Gardner had never really let herself consider Izzie that way until The Moment. The Moment between breaths, foreheads pressed together, Izzie's lips so close and oddly inviting. The Moment when everything felt right and warm and wonderful, and she'd forgotten that the rest of the world existed. She'd forgotten about her annoying mom, the stupid party she hadn't wanted, and the loving, sweet boyfriend she'd left downstairs.
She still isn't sure if she should be mad at her mother or grateful. Another minute and things would have changed forever, irrevocably. Casey is not into girls. Casey is not a cheater. Casey is not like her mother.
And yet here she is, ignoring Evan's phone call while her other hand is entwined with Izzie's, and the feeling of wanting to kiss the girl beside her is spiraling dangerously close to the surface.
What is wrong with me, Casey thinks.
She can't look at Izzie. One look and she's certainly done for - any resolve she has will melt away into pressing lips and tangled feelings and an aftermath of guilt. She can't look and she can't speak, and more than anything else, she can't seem to let go of Izzie's hand. There is no safe way out of this.
After a silence that stretches well past normal, Izzie finally breaks, to start the conversation that needs to be started. "We, uh, we should probably talk about this, huh, Newton?"
Casey still can't look. "I…I'm not sure I know what to say."
A pause.
"I'll…I'll start, then," says Izzie carefully. "Have you, um, ever felt this way about a girl before?"
Casey swallows, her voice constricted."I've never felt this way about anyone before." Honesty can be as sharp as any lie, and she thinks of how Evan would feel, if he knew. She loves him, she's attracted to him, but it's undeniably different. "But I've never liked a girl at all before, if that's what you meant." A sudden curiosity finally makes Casey look over at Izzie. "Wait, have you?"
Izzie grins a little guiltily, and Casey smirks back. "Spill the beans, Izz." For a moment, the tension is gone and they are just two friends, gossiping about past romances. It's easier this way.
"I noticed a lot, when girls were really pretty or cute, I guess." she shrugs. "I might even say I've had a crush or two when I was younger, but I never wanted to do anything about it. It was never worth it to deal with what it would mean for me, or how people would label me, you know?" She pauses. "It's different now, though."
"Why?"
Izzie looks impossibly nervous, but still manages to hold Casey's gaze. "Well, because of you. Because you're worth it to me, Newton."
Casey breathes in deep. The air sizzles and goes electric, and That Feeling is back in full force. Izzie's eyes are soft and warm, and the connection is there, the magnetic pull. Izzie leans closer to her. Shit, shit, shit. Casey wants to thank her, or tell Izzie that she feels the same, or just say the fuck with talking, let's continue where we left off. Of course, that makes her think about why they left off: the interruption of the she-devil herself.
It slams home.
Her mother, the cheater. Her father, betrayed and heartbroken. She imagines Evan punching the newly fixed wall in the exact same spot. He has been nothing but good and supportive to Casey. He doesn't deserve this.
"Izzie."
"Newton."
It takes Casey every ounce of will she possesses. "We should probably go home."
Izzie tries to smile, but it falls flat and sad. She takes her hand away and Casey feels instant regret. She wants to stay close to Izzie; she can't lose her again. She wants to laugh with her, tease her, talk about all the personal stuff that no one else seems to understand. She wants other things, too, things a lot more confusing and complicated. She wants to hold, to kiss, to touch. And be touched.
Casey puts the car into drive and tries to shoo those thoughts away. The silence is terrible, but she puts on the radio and at least they can pretend to enjoy the crappy pop music. They reach Izzie's house without incident.
"Thanks for the ride, Newton." Izzie says quietly as she starts to open the car door.
Casey can't leave it like this. She grabs Izzie's hand, even though she probably shouldn't. "Izzie I…I'm sorry."
"I know."
"No, I mean I…I have to figure things out, okay? I need time to get my shit together, but we promised, right? We won't leave each other?"
It's a plea.
Izzie does manage to smile this time, just a little. "Of course, Newton. A forehead promise is the most sacred kind. I'm pretty sure if you break it, the universe implodes."
Casey grins. "Okay, get out of here," she says, rolling her eyes. "I'll text you, alright?"
"And if you figure anything out…"
Casey grimaces a little, thinking of what 'figuring things out' might mean for her and Evan, and for her own future. "You'll be the first to know, Izz. There's…there's no one else I'd rather talk to."
"Me too. Goodnight, Newton."
"Goodnight, Izzie."
Casey drives away and watches Izzie's outline grow smaller in the rear-view mirror. Her head is buzzing and her heart is aching painfully. She sighs. She has so much shit to figure out.