A/N: This fic is based on this post ( wideop3n . tumblr .com post/80710021108/) used with permission.
Sei didn't know that it was raining.
The walls were too thick and he was too deep in the bowels of the tower to be able to hear anything outside. He couldn't hear the way the rain pittered heavily against the steel outer walls and dripped from the many faceted surfaces onto the people outside below, water dropping onto hats and hair and umbrellas. He couldn't even hear outside his own room, let alone the rain.
But he heard his bedroom door open, and he heard two sets of footsteps enter slowly. The door closed behind them wish a familiar swooshing sound and a very solid 'click' as it locked into place again. They always locked the door behind them, even if they were only here for a few moments.
"Hello, Virus. And Trip." Sei spoke quietly, facing away from them, but he was certain his voice could be heard. There was nothing else to listen to in the confines of his room. Or as he internally referred to it, his cage.
"Hello, Sei," they said in unison, striding to his seat, the large, ornamental, throne-like chair situated nearly in the middle of the room. Sei grasped one hand on the arm of the chair, the other wrapped around his neck. As the pair came forward, he tugged the throat of his shirt up to hide the marks along his collarbone. Hopefully they wouldn't notice.
"How are you doing this evening?" Virus asked. Or maybe it was Trip. Sei didn't meet their eyes when they spoke, his gaze fixated on his lap. Their voices had become so commonplace that without looking he could hardly tell them apart. They so often finished each others sentences and thoughts and spoke in equal turns they may as well have formed into one monstrous entity. Maybe one of them would have been easier to deal with.
"I'm alright," Sei said, hiding the hitch in his voice quiet well.
Virus and Trip towered over him, standing in front of his chair with hands in pockets, balancing on the tips of their shoes as if anxious about something. Of course that was their typical stance, always on the move. Always ready to escape if need be. Or to swoop down and capture prey.
He was far from alright, if truth be told.
"How did the experiments go this morning? Do you need any medication for pain?"
Yes, he thought without speaking. Bring me the pills you so often force down my throat. Let me choke on them. Let me overdose on the poison that's slowly killing me anyway.
"No, thank you," He said, and smiled politely at them. But his knuckles whitened as he gripped the arm of the chair tighter. "I'm not in pain this th- . . . this time."
When he stuttered, Virus exchanged a sidelong glance with Trip, but said nothing. Instead they held out a hand each, offering them to Sei.
"Why don't we help you get ready for bed," Virus said. It wasn't a question. "You could probably use some sleep, hmm?"
Sei finally met Virus' eyes, and looked at the hands held in front of him. Resigning the urge to ignore them, he took both. Their skin was inhumanly cold and very calloused.
Like their wretched hearts, He thought as they hoisted him to his feet. Virus turned to Trip and requested that the latter start the tap, and Trip disappeared through the door fixed in the corner of the room where the bathroom was tucked away. Sei allowed himself to be led to sit on the edge of his bed where Virus removed his shoes.
"I want to take a look at your back, Sei," Virus said, attempting to remove Sei's jacket. "I want to make sure you're healing alright."
A few days previously Sei had reacted badly to one of the ingredients in a certain medication he had been given. Sores and a blistering rash had broken out along his back, shoulders, and arms, and Virus and Trip took turns rubbing ointment into his skin after he bathed.
Sei nodded, wondering if Virus might confuse the fresh wounds on his chest with the older, still healing wounds of his rash. Doubtful.
Virus removed Sei's jacket and hung it carefully back in his closet and returned to help Sei out of his shirt. Privacy was a luxury he was never granted, and no longer was he embarrassed to be seen unclothed in front of either of them. Sei thinked they liked looking at his pale skin. They never touched him, but he didn't doubt their fingers itched to take advantage of someone so ill suited to defend themselves. They wouldn't have been the first, should the mood ever strike them.
Virus folded Sei's shirt and replaced it on the dresser, and then seated himself behind Sei on the bed to examine the raw and red stretch of skin on his back.
"It doesn't hurt at all?" He asked, placing a tender hand on Sei's shoulder. His frigid touch made Sei shudder.
"No," he replied. "Not much anymore."
"Ah, that's good."
Virus lifted Sei's arm to look at his ribs, and then paused when he seemed to find something that didn't sit well with him.
"Sei," he said patiently. "Where did you get this wound."
Sei looked down to where Virus was grasping his arm, and noted the still healing, thin, circle of dotted lines. Teeth marks. Sei didn't answer.
Virus stood and walked hurriedly towards the bathroom, throwing a semi-stern "Don't move" over his shoulder at Sei. Sei watched as Virus entered the bathroom, where Trip was apparently letting the water fill and checking the temperature. The tap shut off and they exited together, Virus looking angry. He walked up to Sei and took his arm again, turning it over for Trip to see.
"Doesn't it?" He asked. "It looks like a bite mark."
Trip's eyes widened and he took Sei's arm in his hand, looking closely.
"Yeah, it does," He said. "And look." His hands brushed along Sei's collarbone and chest, where the light red welts that peppered his skin looked like bruises. Virus hadn't noticed them until now.
"Sei, who did this?" Virus asked. His tone was nearly flat, but there was anger hiding behind his voice - or more, irritation. Sei hesitated, opening his mouth and closing it again.
"Laboratory employees," he said finally. "This morning."
Virus straightened his pose, looking taken aback.
"Is this all of them?" He asked, and Sei shook his head.
"Undress," Virus demanded harshly, and Sei obediently stood and pulled off the remainder of his clothes, unbuckling his pants and letting them fall to the floor. Virus' eyes scanned up and down Sei's naked body, greedily taking in his exposed stance before they finally landed on Sei's thighs, and the small red welts that surrounded the hems of his briefs. Virus' ventured a guess that they didn't stop there.
"This needs to be reported to Toue," he said, pulling a coil out of his pocket and dialing a few numbers. "Trip, stay here and take care of Sei. Meet me in the employee quarters when you're done. An hour, tops."
Trip nodded, not looking too happy to be given orders, but watched as Virus put the coil to his ear and walked in a hurry out of the room. Again, he locked it behind him when he left.
"Virus' isn't happy," Trip said simply.
"It would appear not,"Sei said after a pause.
"C'mon, your bath is ready," Trip concluded, taking Sei's hand and allowing Trip to lead him to the bathroom. Trip turned away politely while Sei stripped off his last article of clothing and entered the bath, and then he sat at the chair beside the tub.
"The lab workers have always been kinda handsy," Trip admitted, watching Sei wet his hair with a small cup of water. "Virus is just mad because w- . . . because, you know, he's wanted to play with you for a while and now he's jealous. That they got to first."
Sei didn't miss the way Trip altered his sentence halfway.
"Should I be flattered or afraid?" Sei asked, the tremble in his voice contradicting the way he was calmly swirling the pink bubbles around in the tub and drawing pictures on the walls with the suds. He drew a face with a smile, but then wiped it away with the palm of his hand.
"I guess it depends on how you feel about it," Trip said, and Sei had no response.
For a moment, Sei wondered how either of them knew about the pervasiveness of the laboratory workers when he had so successfully kept his wounds a secret for the last while. He thought maybe they had been informed, considering there were a lot of children that lived in the tower.
'Lived' Sei thought ironically. What a choice of words.
But after considering that Virus and Trip had been in the tower at least as long as he had, and most likely since they were infants as well, the fact that they knew the employees were ignorant of personal space and privacy wasn't much of a surprise. Who knew how they had found out that the employees were less than innocent, but chances were it wasn't by word of mouth.
Sei decided that he wasn't necessarily afraid of either of them. If Virus or Trip decided they wanted to have their way with him and his body he couldn't really disobey their commands, but so far they had kept their space, even if reluctantly.
They have themselves to satisfy each other, Sei thought.
"Of course that's not the only reason," Trip said after a lengthy pause, as if he had just considered this point. He seemed to still be on the subject of his and Virus' unrequited desires. He reached out and wiped away the drops of water clinging to Sei's lashes. Sei flinched when his hand came towards him, but didn't withdraw.
"You are very dear to us, Sei-san," he said.
Am I supposed to be relieved by this? Sei wondered. Relieved by the fact that I am apparently special to them? As important as a lab rat is to the scientists. Not even enough to mourn over when dead, just another number. My body will be burned when I die and no one will miss me. I'm not dear to anyone, especially not them, who will only want me as long as they can't have me. And that's the only reason they want me in the first place.
"Toue-san said told me something along the same lines," Sei said, smiling to himself.
How my thoughts have no connection to my words, Sei thought, taking pride in the fact that at least here, in his cooling bath water, or in the confines of his room he could find solace in his mind. Here when he was away from the machines that toyed with his conscious he could think whatever he liked and no one would know. He could escape from the lies he told himself and everyone else, the lie that he was fine, that he wasn't in pain, that today had been good and yes, Virus, you can touch my skin, you can look at my naked body and indulge in your lustful gaze and have your perverted thoughts.
I could wish a thousand deaths upon you, I could imagine your corpse pulled apart by wild dogs and you'd be none the wiser. I can imagine the tower burning down and killing us all and no one can stop me.
"Toue-san says a lot of things that he doesn't mean,"Trip said. "But neither Virus or I would lie to you."
Yes you would! Sei retorted internally. You're lying now, you're looking me in the eyes and telling me you care about me; you were instructed to care, and even at that you only pretend. I can see through your flimsy excuse for sympathy. I wonder if you think I'm fooled.
"Thank you, Trip," Sei replied, swirling the water around with his hand and watching a small whirlpool form, pulling the surrounding bubbles towards the center. "At least I'm not completely alone."
"We love you very much, Sei-san," Trip said, leaning forward to kiss Sei's forehead gently, breathing in the smell of the soap he had been given to use. He smiled, and Sei smiled in return.
But inside his head he was screaming. The levity of the situation was astonishing, the way he was sitting in a half full porcelain tub of sudsy water, bathing like he was a child yet thinking about the murder of several people. Frivolous, to say the least. And to elaborate, vacuous. There was no point in allowing himself these self-indulgent thoughts. They angered him, mostly, and they made him wish more and more that he could voice them aloud. Never would he consider speaking an ill-word against his captors, for equal parts fear of punishment and revealing that his words were not as innocent as his thoughts. Or at least making it more obvious. But the longer he kept his silence the harder it became to seal his lips against the urge to verbally abuse them the way they had physically abused him. It would be the only revenge he could fabricate, if he could swallow the fear that kept him silent.
Sei finished washing and when he was ready Trip handed him a towel to dry off with, and then helped Sei into his nightclothes. Trip sat him down at the bureau in front of the mirror, brushing Sei's hair gently. It was strange to have Trip be the one to help Sei ready himself for bed; normally Trip stood silently in the background while Virus did most of the work, and Trip would assist where necessary. Trips movements weren't as sure as Virus' when he tugged his fingers gently through Sei's soft hair, and his hands were rougher than Virus' as he smoothed ointment onto Sei's aching back. Virus was very calculated with his movements, all of them, very good at the pretense of care, whereas Trip didn't have as much practice being so sincere. Or pretending to be sincere. Virus was better at it. But this was why Sei was more fond of Trip than the other of the two; Virus knew that Sei could see through his carefully placed facade. It was almost a slap in the face to be around Virus because he knew that Sei's words were never conducive to the idea that Sei was happy. Virus would have been able to nearly read Sei's mind before when he had been thinking about wishing death upon them, and he would have most likely gotten enjoyment out of watching Sei be forced to keep his monologue to himself.
But Trip was slightly more oblivious. He wasn't as keen as Virus was, and although he may be as skilled of a liar he couldn't read between the lines of Sei's words like Virus could. Most likely, Trip believed that Sei was grateful wards them. Or at least he didn't think too much about it if he knew Sei was anything but.
Sei was seated on his bed again when Virus came back into the room, a little less frazzled looking but an obvious look of distaste written on his face.
"It hasn't been an hour," Trip said defensively.
"It's been taken care of," Virus said with a smile. "Or, at least it will be. You and I are to meet with Toue-san tomorrow morning."
"Ah, I see," Trip replied, not looking too pleased with the thought. "I was just about to say goodnight to Sei and come to find you."
"I've perfect timing then, don't I?" Virus said. He paced forward, sitting down beside Sei on his bed, crossing his legs and taking Sei's hands.
"I'm very sorry about this, Sei-san," Virus said, looking Sei in the eyes. Furtive hatred burned beneath his stare, the constant presence of malice hidden well enough to evade all but the most sensitive eye. And Sei had very sensitive eyes. "The employees in the laboratory won't hurt you anymore."
Somehow I'm not very certain that's true, Sei thought, but said,
"Thank you, Virus. I'm sorry for your inconvenience."
"No, no," he said. He reached up and touched Sei's face, cupping Sei's cheek in his cold palm. "I'm just doing my duty to you."
And that's all you're doing.
"We want you to be safe," Trip said, almost as an after thought.
Anger roiled in Sei's chest and he inhaled deeply, blinking back the sting in his eyes.
Don't cry, He thought to himself. Don't cry, don't do it. I'm not sad, I'm angry. Those disgusting laboratory employees have had their way with me enough times I'm not afraid of them anymore. I'm angry at Virus and Trip, I'm angry that I have to keep pretending I'm okay. All of us are pretending. Why can't we just drop this ridiculous act.
"Thank you," Sei said again. "I really- . . . appreciate it, really."
The catch in his voice was obvious, and now it was unavoidable that they knew he was about to break into tears. Sei exhaled uncontrollably, feeling suddenly winded and he realized he'd been holding his breath. As soon as he blinked tears spilled down his face, falling onto his clothes and he put a hand over his mouth to stop his sobbing. Virus pulled him forward, tucking his arms around Sei's shoulders. He touched Sei's hair, petting it gently.
"It's alright," he said, practically cooing. Virus waved Trip over and he sat on the opposite side of them, placing a hand on Sei's shoulder.
No, I don't want this, Sei thought, clutching the back of Virus' shirt in his clenched fists. I don't want to desire their company, I don't want to feel the need for their sympathy. Don't touch me.
And even as he thought he wanted their hands off of him, he leaned into Virus' embrace, his face against the other man's shoulder as his chest heaved with tears he'd been holding in the whole day. The whole week. Tears from his entire life that he'd never been able to shed, sadness that he'd kept festering in the pit of his stomach, and it leaked into his veins and soiled his heart. He was so angry that he'd let himself become ruined by them, by Virus and Trip, by the laboratory workers, by Toue, by everyone at the tower. He hated the way he could see through the lies and do nothing about it. It would have been easier on him to believe the falsehoods that dripped from their lips so easily, and yet he couldn't bring himself to allow the nonsense to sway him. How much easier it would be if he could. If he could believe the lie that Toue and Virus and Trip all cared for him, despite the fact that he was kept locked inside the tower. If he could believe this charade he wouldn't bear the burden of secrecy on his shoulders, his lungs wouldn't ache with every word left unspoken, his heart dying upon each occurrence of being touched, or prodded or violated and knowing that it was not the last time.
Just kill me, He thought. Just let me die, I don't want to pretend anymore, I'm tired of being force fed the lies. Just kill me, I just want to die.
Virus' lips brushed his ear, and in between sobs he could hear Virus' speak, low and slow, as if in the hope Sei might miss it.
"I love you very much, Sei-san."
And Sei didn't need to see Virus' face to know he was smiling maliciously, a grin spreading across his cruel expression. There was no truth in his words, not a single hint of the selflessness he constantly paraded. Sei didn't believe him for one moment. If they loved him, it was for what he was and not who. They loved the idea of him, they loved the fact that they could control him, but to love him as who he was? Not at all.
And at this something in Sei's self control seemed to break. He whispered when he replied, hardly breathing as he spoke, but he was pressed so tightly against Virus there was no doubt he'd be heard.
"I can tell when you're lying to me," he said.
He waited for the reprimand, to be told "that's nonsense, Sei-san", he waited to be scolded and punished for breaking that carefully constructed face that he had spent so many years building. The semblance of peace, if not happiness, that was so important to keeping suspicion away from him and his thoughts. Virus stroked Sei's hair, and Sei dug his fingers into Virus' back, tightening his arms around the man's stomach. But when Virus replied, Sei almost wished he had been punished instead. And Virus said,
"I know."
They left only a few minutes later. Trip had fetched something for Sei to wipe his eyes and Virus tucked him in, making sure Sei had a few choice stuffed animals surrounding him. Sei had his arms wrapped around one of his pillows, lying on his side and hiding his face.
"Tomorrow, Trip and I may be up here again in the morning with a doctor."
Sei didn't see any obligation to reply, and kept silent.
"But no one will bother you until we arrive, we'll make sure of that."
And again he replied with silence.
"Sei . . ." Virus said slowly, and begrudgingly Sei raised his head. Virus placed a hand on Sei's face, rubbing his thumb against the other's cheek before pulling his face close for a kiss. Sei fidgeted, but didn't retract as Virus' held the embrace, drawing it out as his tongue traced over Sei's sealed lips. Virus chuckled lightly as he released his grasp on Sei's chin, as if he thought it was humorous that Sei was so reluctant to have him touch him in such an intimate way. Maybe he thought it was funny that it didn't matter what Sei thought, because Virus was going to do what he wanted to anyway. Or maybe he thought it was funny that he'd been presented such an obvious challenge and was eager to break what small amount of will Sei had built between himself and Virus and Trip. Either way, Sei saw nothing funny about the situation. And yet Virus laughed.
He stood and Trip kissed Sei gently above his brow, petting his hair one last time before both of them withdrew.
"Have a good night, Sei-san," Virus said kindly.
"G'night, Sei-san," Trip concluded.
And the light was switched off as they left, the door again locked behind them. Sei exhaled, clenching and unclenching his shaking hands. He sat up, letting the blankets fall away from him, and held one of the closest animals in his hands to keep his nails from digging into his palms. His breathing was fast, and he fought the urge to throw something, so stand up and kick the wall or punch the door until his knuckles bloodied. There were cameras in here, and he'd found that out the last time he'd carved a hole into the wall, when they came in to sedate him. That was a long time ago, and Sei had practiced keeping himself in check. He breathed in and out slowly, counting down from a hundred until his head was clearer.
He laid back down again, starting at where he knew the ceiling was in the darkness. His final thought was that at least in his god forsaken life he was guaranteed a death eventually.
At least I know I won't last much longer. You can't reasonably pump a human so full of medication and look into their conscious so often without causing damage. I'll last another ten years, but that may be all.
Ten more years of this. At least a decade he would be free. No, he would be dead. Which, as it was, sounded like a better freedom than being released from the tower. He didn't want to escape the tower, he wanted to escape life.
And with that though, he cried himself to sleep.