I

It's been about two months since the night I left Brian Krakow standing in the street to take a drive with Jordan Catalano. In those two months I've been slowly working myself out of the whole that was dug for me by circumstances far beyond my control. It's certainly helped that Jordan was able to confess to me that night what I already knew. He didn't write that letter, Brian did. But also that he did feel all the things I read in that letter, it felt so good to hear.

Forgiving him has also helped me forgive Rayanne. It's taken longer and by no means is our friendship the same; I think we both never expected it to be. I still need Rayanne in my life, to remind me how to just be free and enjoy things. She gets me out of my head; she keeps me from analyzing everything to death. It brings me relief from myself and that is a good thing. I'll never forget the look on Rickie's face the day Rayanne and I finally made up. It was beginning to take its toll on him and I could tell he was starting to pull away from us both because of it. He's still living with , he likes it there, says he finally feels like he has a real family. We can't talk about it at school, Rickie's afraid that if someone finds out that Mr. Katimsky will get fired. I don't think that would happen, but I still don't bring it up because of the look of panic on Rickie's face when I do.

I'm starting to feel like a have an actual group of friends. Sharon and I are much closer now, it's like we've both seen the change in each other and decided to forge ahead with our friendship in spite of it. She and Rayanne still won't fully admit that they're friends; the closest I've ever heard them say is when Rayanne said that they've just agreed to not hate each other so much anymore. Rickie and Delia Fisher are like permanently attached at the hip now. It's nice that Rickie has someone to look out for him since he's always looking after someone else. I like her I do; it's just awkward sometimes what happened with her and Brian because of me. I feel bad about that but I'm not sure how to apologize or if it was really even my fault.

Things with Brian have been difficult to say the least. The look on his face that night when he told me about the letter was enough to break my heart. It was quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to do when I came back after talking to Jordan and I crossed that street to Brian's house to tell him I couldn't return the feelings he'd put into that letter. The pavement was wet and smooth like a black ocean stretched out forever and it seemed to be dragging me down into its murky depths with every heavy step I took towards that front door. He took it well though, said that he understood and that he never really expected anything else from me. He quit tutoring Jordan after that; I can't say that I blame him. When I see him in that hall I always smile and say hello, but he won't make direct eye contact with me anymore. It hurts to know that someone who's been in my life for so long can't stand to look at my face, but I can't lie to him I never could. He always knew when I was being false and he deserves more that some pathetic attempt at small talk on my part so I save us both the embarrassment and just keep walking.

It's almost my birthday and I'm getting excited about it. Something about your sixteenth birthday just feels a little more magical than the birthdays before. I mean I don't think I'm getting a car or anything but it just feels like something big is about to happen. Jordan lets me drive his car sometimes and my dad takes me out every once in a while on Sundays, I'm getting better. My mom is planning a party for me next Saturday, I know she's excited but I also think this is something she's using to help take her mind off the fact that my dad is never really home anymore. She won't say it but I can tell they're slowly unraveling. I would blame Hallie Lowenthal like Camille Cherski does, but I know better. I know it's really my fathers fault for allowing it to happen, for doing whatever it is that he does with Hallie when they stay at the restaurant until w 2 o'clock in the morning, and for whatever he was doing or thinking of doing with that woman I saw him with in the street. It's made me look at him differently but he's still my dad and I still love him even through my anger. My mom just hides her anger in her work and in smaller things like my party or Danielle's science project.

It's funny when I look back on the things that Rayanne or Rickie have said about my family before and how perfect it is. They were really just projecting onto it what they wanted or maybe needed it to be. But no one has a perfect family. We can't because it's just a group of imperfect beings grouped together out of fate trying to live together without killing each other. Jordan says that I'm lucky though to like have people that care about me. I know that's true and not just a projection because he's told me things about his parents and it makes me want to try to not take mine for granted so much.

Things with Jordan and I are, well they're great. I mean we've never said that we are boyfriend/girlfriend, but it works for us to be undefined. I didn't think I would be ok with that but it feels good to know that we just want to be together all the time; we're not together out of obligation. It makes everything more special. It's been hard to get our friends to understand it, they're coming around though. Sharon has promised to stop insulting him and she's working on not glaring or rolling her eyes when he interrupts' our conversations in the hall. And just the other night at band practice Shane actually asked my opinion on a song. Jordan says he's got something really special planned for my birthday. Rayanne seems to think it has something to do with sex. Rayanne thinks everything has something to do with sex so I don't really take it to heart. If it was something to do with sex I don't think I'd be completely adverse to it. We haven't really talked about it since the first time we were together. I mean we've certainly come closer this time around, but Jordan's never pressured me to go any further than I was ready to. He's kind of grown up a little bit since the first time we were together. It's like he's taking it serious this time around which makes me more comfortable with him.

I'm sitting in the back of his car, the weathers not too bad so the top is down. I'm waiting for him to finish tutoring. I keep telling him I'll help him, but he says we'd never get any real work done. He's right. It's funny that he's the one saying things like that to me now. The sun is shining and there's a small breeze that's carrying the smell of warmer weather with it. I love days like this when you can feel the change in the air it feels invigorating and exciting. I can see him coming down the steps of the school he's looking at me and smiling that smile that he saves just for me. He crosses the parking lot and I can feel the air being sucked out of me as the butterflies dance in my stomach. He has his hands in his pockets, probably fishing for his cigarettes and lighter. My heart starts to race in anticipation of him speaking to me, kissing me, and just being near me.

It's such a rush or excitement that I almost forget where I am and that Brian Krakow has been watching me for the last twenty minutes. I glance and see that Brian has left and I breathe a sigh of relief and return my attention to Jordan as he reaches the car. "Hey" he says in that sweet seductive way of his. I lick my lips in anticipation of kissing him. He bends down to meet my lips, mine part and my breath stalls again. He pauses right before our lips touch. My heart falls for a moment but then I open my eyes to see his two beautiful blue ones looking back at me with such passion and love that my heart begins to sing and smile breaks across my face that I'm sure you could see from the moon. "What?" I ask through my goofy grin. He smiles a coy smile that screams at me to kiss the lips that own it. "Your just look so beautiful sitting here, it like hurts to look at you." My heart bursts into a million tiny pieces no longer able to hold in all the emotion. The feeling catapults me forward to his mouth.

This is no ordinary kiss, it holds all the love my teenage soul can possess all the feelings I've had for Jordan Catalano since the day first saw him leaning on a locker dreaming the day away. All the hours, and minutes I spent obsessing on every nuance of his being until I was sick of living inside my own mind. All those pent up emotions just came pouring out into that one kiss in the back of his convertible with the sun shining down. Then something happened that I didn't really expect, although I'm not sure what I expected. I started to feel all that emotion being returned, as Jordan put both of his hands on my cheeks and kissed me harder and deeper than I've ever thought it possible to be kissed. When he finally pulled away and stood there looking into my eyes again all I could say was " WOW" and he smiled a little sheepishly at me and said " Yeah" in a husky whisper that gave him away. I'm not sure why but I became a little embarrassed for him and for me. I broke his gaze and looked away tucking some of my hair behind my ear. He shuffled his feet on the ground and then took his cigarettes out of his pocket. As he took one from the pack and placed it between his lips he said "you wanna go somewhere?" He lit the cigarette and took a drag when he exhaled the little circles of smoke danced around his head making him look like he was trapped in a fog. "Sure" I said not wanting to ruin the moment with too many words like I usually do. He came around the car to the driver's side and slid in next to me. He took a few more drags off his cigarette as we sat in silence. I had turned and was facing forward, still caught up in the moment and feeling of that kiss, it' heat still radiating off my lips like hot steam. He finished his cigarette and tossed it out onto the pavement. Then he turned his head and shifted his body towards me. "Angela, what happened before…I mean just now that kiss…I've never…I mean it was…"

I turned and looked at him his eyes bright and dancing a look of wonder mixed with disbelief on his face. "Amazing" I said finishing his thought. I could feel my face tighten with the smile that was breaking free as I said what I hoped we were both thinking about what had just happened. "Yeah…yeah it was..." He said trailing off before repeating my word, like he was so sure that of the word he didn't even have to say it again. He shook his head a little. "So, where do you want to go?" "Anywhere" I said still smiling. He started the car and we began to drive out of the parking lot. "Oh do you want me to put the top up?" he asks. "No" I say, "it feels good". My hair is whipping around my face, into my eyes and my mouth but I don't care. The air smells sweet and clean. Every once and a while Jordan and I exchange looks, knowing looks. A change has occurred and I think we can both feel it. It doesn't weigh me down the way most sudden changes in life seem to; this change makes me feel lighter, freer, and happy. I try to look at Jordan, really look at him to see if he feels the same way. It's hard to really see him through my hair and the wind. I can't see his eyes, but through the blur of red swarming around my eyes I can see the corners of his mouth are fixed upward in a grin. I've never seen Jordan grin like that. He's always giving me coy sexy smiles that tell me he's thinking of things that make me blush. Sometimes when we're joking around he'll smile really big and laugh, but never a grin and never for so long. I'm going to take this as a sign, a sign that my life may have just figured out how to get good. Like really good.