Hello there! Yes, I changed my account name, don't get your panties in a knot. Anyway... here! Have a somewhat depressing fanfiction that I wrote! Don't ask. It will be mentioned in Lighting Up The Dark.

Raphael lied in his bed, staring at the ceiling. Sleep just wouldn't come tonight.

Thoughts reeled through his head like clips on an old fashioned projector. But there was one thought that kept fogging up his entire brain and pushing away the other thoughts; one that the ten year old didn't want to think about.

Yet there it was, right in front of him; a thought that no other could excavate from his mind…

Did his family love him?

The thought had been taunting him for months now, and he just couldn't find an answer. He always fought with his brothers, constantly denied his father… how could they love him?

They couldn't. They didn't. He knew it.

Raphael wiped at his stinging eyes, and out of the corner of them, he caught a glance of his sais, laying still and motionless on his nightstand. They seemed to beckon him; to call him… telling him, Raph… we're here… use us… you can end it all…

The red clad turtle was conflicted. He could end everything. After all, things had gotten pretty bad for him. He should leave this world; spare his brothers and father of the awful something that he was. Spare himself of the awful something that he was.

But at the same time… what would his family be without him?

Better, his conscience sneered. They'll fight more effectively without you hurting them all the time.

Raphael found his hand reaching slowly out, his fingers grazing the hilt of one of his sais. Did he really want to travel down this route?

Do it, his conscience urged. They don't need you. You're worthless. You're nothing but a burden to them.

His finger cautiously wrapped around the handle of his weapon of choice. He sat up, bringing the needle-like knife off the small bedside table, and twisted his legs into an Indian style of sitting. He held the pointed end in his left hand and the hilt in his right, turning it over in his palms. The silver caught a glint from an unknown source of light, shining like a beacon in the pitch black of the bedroom.

Do it! Do it! his conscience screamed at him. Don't stop now! Free yourself! Free them!

Raphael turned the sai around so that the tip was facing his plastron, both his hands on the hilt. He was listening; allowing his conscience to manipulate him into thinking that nothing would get better. His heart raced, pounding in his chest, so forcefully he was afraid it would burst out and he wouldn't have to be the taker of his own life. But it did not, and without a second thought, the turtle slammed his fists toward his stomach, where pain exploded and rushed through him. He bit his lip, so hard that it began bleeding, to keep from crying out.

He pulled his weapon out of his abdomen, only to slam it back down slightly higher a moment later.

Tears slid down his face as he stabbed himself over and over and over again, feeling his life essence beginning to slip away. Blood dribbled from the corner of his mouth, running down his neck.

Raphael slowly pulled the sai out of its place buried deep in his body, and peered at the blood that dripped off the usually-silver-now-crimson finish. His vision began to fade, and anything that he could see was melding; becoming one single inky entity. Blacker than black shadows crept from the corners of his line of sight, and he found it hard to keep his grip on the weapon. It slipped from his grasp and fell to the floor, but he hardly heard the clattering through the loud ringing in his head. He felt himself falling… falling into a chasm of blackness, and faintly felt the impact of something soft hit his body as it got hard to breathe, see, think…

His senses dulled; he couldn't taste the blood on his tongue anymore, smell the musky sewer, see his dark room. All there was was black, black everywhere.

He felt like he was drowning, sinking deeper and deeper with no air; the heavy feeling of suffocation weighing on his chest. He felt incredibly weak, weary… and yet he found the strength to move his lips, mouthing his final words:

Goodbye, sweet family. Don't forget I love you.

Donatello shot up in his bed, breathing hard and sweating. He looked around his dark room with wide eyes; ones that shed tears as he did so. What… what was that?

There was no way. Raph would never, ever kill himself like that, but…

But still, the ten year old turtle clambered out of his bed, flinging the covers back with one hand as he wiped away the tears with the other. He quickly moved to the door and frantically pulled it open, sprinting across the hall to Raphael's room.

He reached for the handle and suddenly stopped. It was as if there was an invisible rope tying his arm back, making it impossible to continue reaching for the knob. What would he find? He was paranoid that his dream had been happening outside his head, and though he was a man of science, all logic was abandoned when he feared for one of his loved ones' lives. What if his immediate older brother was considering suicide at that very moment as he made up his mind to lift his other hand and ease open the door.

"Raphie?" he asked, poking his head through the crack. He saw the red clad turtle shove a shining silver object under his pillow, and his heart sunk to the center of the earth. He had been considering. But still, Donatello asked, though he already knew the answer, "Are you still awake?"

"Yeah," Raph replied. "Are you okay, Donnie?" The third youngest turtle sniffed, feeling new tears flood into his eyes, and ran over to his brother, putting him into a bone crushing hug as the saltwater that fogged his vision began to slide down over his cheeks.

"I-I had a nightmare," he sobbed quietly. "Y-you…" he didn't want to put it the way it was, but he was so upset, the words just flooded out.

"You killed yourself!" he wailed, "You left! You… you… you…" he trailed off and squeezed his brother tighter, more tears rushing from the red orbs that were his eyes as he stared with wide ones, just thinking of what would happen if Raphael actually left them.

"I'm not going anywhere," Raph said quietly, holding Donatello tightly.

The purple clad turtle wanted to believe him. So very, very badly. But he had seen the way he shoved the sai under his pillow so desperately, as if trying to conceal a secret he was keeping for someone, and knew he was hiding his fate from his younger brother.

"Raphie?" Donnie whispered.

"What?"

"Don't forget I love you."

"I… I won't, little brother."

Um... so yeah. Brotherly fluff all around! Reviews are appreciated greatly!