TOBIAS

"My memories of Tris, some of the most powerful memories I have, have dulled with time, as memories do, and they no longer sting as they used to. Sometimes I actually enjoy going over them in my mind, though not often. Sometimes I go over them with Christina, and she listens better than I expected her to..." ~Allegiant Epilogue, Veronica Roth

The snow falls gently to the ground, covering the world outside my apartment window in a blanket of white. For once the sun is shining brightly, the sky is a brilliant light blue dotted with puffy white clouds. I think of how fitting that is that today of all days the sun would shine. It is like a gift to my aching heart.

It has been a year.

The days are still so hard. Sometimes when I sit alone in my apartment, the loneliness and longing threatens to swallow me whole. I try to think, be brave, but sometimes bravery is so hard. It was so much easier to be brave with her by my side.

She would like the sunshine today, I think.

Most days lately I awaken with a resolve to make it through this, to work towards a better future for all of us, to not let myself succumb to this selfish grief. Some days, though, I wake up in the middle of the night, stifling a scream that I fear will tear me apart. That is after the dreams in which I must watch her die, watch her being taken from me.

There are other dreams, ones which are of the life I wish we had now. Waking from those I try to force myself back to sleep, to keep dreaming of a world in which she is beside me, where we walk hand in hand along the river. It is these dreams, and the memories I hold so close to my heart, that give me the inspiration, the motivation, to live out my life as she would want me to.

A knock at the door of my apartment jolts me from my thoughts, and I hurry to answer it. There are only a few people who it could be, but I think I know who it is.

"Hey, Tobias!" Christina says when I open the door to her. Her dark hair is pulled back from her face, now just a little longer than...her's was before...

"Hi," I reply, holding the door for her. "Come in."

Christina is coping better than me. But she was still her best friend, and she's still grieving. I'm grateful that between us, there's no need to pretend that we are perfectly all right, whole and happy. Because we aren't. Not yet.

"I brought you something," Christina says, holding out a brown paperboard box. I take it and set it on the table.

"Open it," Christina begs.

I take off the lid, and I don't have to force a smile.

"Dauntless chocolate cake!" Christina declares, and I chuckle lightly – not forced either.

"I thought we could share it with some memories...today being what it is," Christina says quietly. "Or are you not up for that?"

I shake my head. "No, it's fine. I'd be glad to."

I find a knife and cut two pieces of the cake.

"You'd better not throw that knife into your shiny new walls, Four," Christina jokes lightly, but I don't laugh like I know she wants me to. I set down the knife quickly. The image it brings is of her standing there with the knives surrounding her blond head, so brave, so beautiful, and I don't want to think about that right now.

We sit down at my kitchen table, and our lack of forks makes Christina laugh. I rise and get two.

"Do you remember how she had never even seen a hamburger till initiation?" Christina asks.

I hand her one of the forks and sit down. "Yeah." I remember having to keep from laughing when she joked with Christina about joining Dauntless just because of the food. She was such a fish out of water, so small but so willing to throw all of herself into initiation.

"How can you do it?" I blurt suddenly.

"Do what?"

"Laugh. Smile. Make jokes." I shrug. "I know it's different for you, but...I can use anything, anything to help!" I jam my fist into my palm, frustrated that I can't explain better.

"It's hard sometimes," Christina replies. "I think we just have to have hope, hold on for the good moments. There will be more and more, trust me. Just remember, she would want you to laugh!"

I nod. "Yeah, she would."

"I'm here for you, we all are. We're here for each other." Christina holds up a forkful of the moist, dark sweetness that is Dauntless chocolate cake. "To remembering the good times with those we've lost."

I smile, not forcing it, and hold up a forkful myself. "They would want it that way," I say.

"They would," Christina agrees. She eats her bite of the cake, and I follow suit.

Christina holds up her next bite too. "Especially today, to remembering Tris Prior."

I can't speak in response to this, but instead of choking on my bite of chocolate cake, it's sweetness soothes the sting of grief that comes with hearing her name spoken aloud.

We finish our pieces of cake. We talk about initiation, about when we played capture the flag when all of us were still alive. It's not as bad as I thought it would be. It will just get better, I guess, like Christina said. I've made it through a year, and I will make it through more.

I will be brave enough.

I will be selfless enough.

I will be the person Tris would want me to be, because I love her still, as much as I ever did.