Her Thoughts

It had been three years since he'd asked her "where do you want it?" in that goofy way of his. Three years since she first spoke to the man whose words, written and spoken, had carried her through the toughest times in her life. Three years, and she already didn't know who she would be, or how she could even live without him. It took three years for her to realize how much she needed him.

Kate Beckett was sitting at her desk on an average Wednesday afternoon, the usual hubbub of the day all about her. She should have been doing some paper work, but she just couldn't focus. Her mind kept wandering; wandering to a man she knew she should be honest with. But, while she didn't have the courage yet to tell him the truth, she still couldn't help thinking about him. She couldn't help but remember how he had changed, how she had changed, and most importantly, how they had changed.

Four years ago he was Richard Castle, mystery writer extraordinaire. He wove stories together as if by magic, stories that she always had to know the ending to, regarding of how early in the morning is was getting to be. When her mother died it was his words that helped her through the tragedy. The magic that seemed to flow as he wrote, taking her to a place where everything was okay and things happened as they should, with the murders solved and a happily ever after. She was a devoted fan, a "truer" fan than many of those who wanted to meet Castle simply because he was rich, famous, and handsome. She truly dove into and devoured his books. She felt what the characters felt, she believed in them, and as it came to pass, she believed in Richard Castle to give her exactly what she needed.

Three years ago he stumbled into her life and she couldn't believe it. She could never let him know how big of a fan she really was; she would never let him know how she needed his books. She would only let him know how much she didn't want him there. She was honored to be his "muse" of course, even if she did hate that word, but he would never know that either. He followed her around and she came to appreciate him and his unique way of looking at things. Sure, he flirted with her frequently, but it was all part of the fun, and she knew he wasn't too serious about it.

Two years ago they were friends. They joked and laughed and enjoyed each other's company. She was glad to be working with him, glad to have him around, glad to be his friend. She didn't know yet what her true feelings where for him, but she no longer saw him as Richard Castle, the author; he was Castle, her partner and friend.

A year and a half ago she began to realize that the look in his eye was genuine; she began to consider what it could mean for them. She began to consider being with him for the first time. She even broke up with Deming for him, only for him to show up with Gina. That pain took a while to heal.

One Year ago she began to realize how much he meant to her. Not just his books, but him. She had been glad he was gone for the summer, simply because she didn't think she could face him after having almost told him what she thought she felt. But while she hated him, she knew she loved him at the same time. She had missed him, and was glad when he wormed his way back into the precinct. She wasn't going to let it show, but she was happy.

Six months ago, Castle rarely simply flirted with her anymore; those glib comments were things of the past. Instead she saw everything he didn't say in the fire of his eyes. She remembered that kiss, the passion was not simply for show, it was real, and they both knew it. She knew he was waiting, and part of her wanted to stop his pain, to run to him, but there had been Josh. The time had never been right, and while they had nearly died together, multiply times, she was never brave. Then she was shot, and everything changed. She was happy, so happy to hear Castle say those three words, but she couldn't respond. When she woke up, she didn't know how to respond. She broke up with Josh and avoided Castle. She didn't know why she hadn't been honest, she didn't know why she had run, but she had.

Today, words could not describe all that Castle truly meant to her. He was her friend and partner, and her love, she knew that now. In some ways, she was a part of his family even, she felt comfortable with both his mother and daughter. But she still hadn't told him the truth. She was afraid, and she didn't even know what she was truly afraid of. All she knew was that she loved him, needed him, and knew that he deserved better. Maybe she was afraid he hadn't meant it, maybe she was afraid he didn't feel that way anymore. Whatever the reason, she had kept quiet, and waited.

And so she went back to her paper work and tried to focus, and to save these thoughts for another day. Yes, it was more procrastination, but, well, that was their system. She picked up the paper at the top of the stack and started to work.