1. STUDY ROOM (LIBRARY) INT/DAY
Annie comes into the library. She seems stressed.
ANNIE
Abed! (She shouts, but then stop when she realizes that the whole group is there. Her cheeks turn red as she approaches Abed more calmly) I need to talk to you about…(She looks around; everyone feigns that they are not trying to hear her)About sex
PIERCE
'Love how slutty women usually are, that's the reason I had seven wives. Such an indecent proposition, Bravo, Annie!
ABED
I see where you are going… Now that you know about my intentions, what would you prefer? Black underwear o yellow?
ANNIE
What?
(She seems offended, but then her semblance soften in a thoughtful stare) Black
Jeff is watching the exchange with his brow frown. He inclines over Britta.
JEFF
Do you understand what is going on?
BRITTA
Not really
SHIRLEY
Sweetie, don't you think it's better to talk these things privately?
ANNIE
Yes. You are right! Thanks Shirley. Abed, follow me
PIERCE
She is fierce! Look how she tames her man
(He says while Abed follows Annie outside the library)
BRITTA
Shirley, now we won't hear what they were talking about!
SHIRLEY
Wasn't it obvious?
JEFF
Not to me
TROY
What am I going to do in the breaks of study when Abed is busy having sex with Annie?
BRITTA
Troy, we are as funny as Abed
Troy makes a face, he doesn't agree with Britta.
JEFF
They are not gonna have sex because… it's not logical. They are not this kind of characters…
SHIRLEY
Darling, you talk now like Abed…
BRITTA
What he is trying to say is that if here is someone who's gonna have sex with Annie, this would be him.
JEFF
I haven't say that… at all!
TROY
Wouldn't it be me? I am with whom she was in love during high school…
JEFF
(Frown his brows)
What? Do you still see her like hot Annie?
TROY
Hey! Your description about her body was too much specific, dude. Quite effective.
2. COMON ROOM. INT/DAY
ANNIE
Sit down, Abed.
(He does as she says)
Figure my surprise when a girl, who I doesn't know but looks quite familiar to me, asks for my help. I say: "Yes! Of course!" thinking she just needs my Spanish homework or something like that. But Bam! Then she sits by my side, just in the spot you are right now…
(She says it without breath, so she takes her time to continue)
ABED
And?
ANNIE
And she asks me about my favourite sexual position!
ABED
Oh. Fake Annie isn't very discreet.
ANNIE
No! She isn't… and I ask her: "Why do you want to know this?" and she answers: "I have to film a sex scene performing you and your boyfriend" Who is my boyfriend? Vaughn isn't…
ABED
Actually, she is talking about Jeff, what makes me realize that she doesn't really understand the plot of your relationship. Because you are not girlfriend and boyfriend yet, you are still in the friends with benefits field. Hotter.
ANNIE
I thought the sexual tension between Jeff and me disappeared with the werewolf curse
ABED
The audience was not happy with that development and I agree with them, your relationship with Jeff is one of the most exciting things of the show. Keeps a lot of audience.
ANNIE
Okay… We are friends, Abed, so I will let you use my body…or my name and her body…in a sex scene. Just one condition.
ABED
What is it?
ANNIE
I want to be sexy in that scene, as an adult. Not like a girl who only had one unsatisfactory relationship with a guy who happened to be gay. Understood? The character of Annie Edison knows how to make love. Okay?
ABED
It seems fair. So…what do you prefer? Under or on the top?
ANNIE
On the top, I need control.
ABED
Great. That's great.
The last statement is heard by Shirley, who covers her mouth scandalized by this exchange of words.
3. COLLEGUE LOUNGUE. INT/DAY
Shirley goes after Abed, she seems very angry.
SHIRLEY
I am so disappointed on you!
Abed frowns and points to himself, unsure if Shirley is actually talking to him.
SHIRLEY
Yes! You… I never though that you were going to be a pervert…to little Annie! How can you make such indecent proposition?
ABED
I recall that this was exactly what Pierce said about Annie, he was proud of her though.
SHIRLEY
… Jeff, even when I love him, it was possible that he and…sweet Annie… but you! How did this happen?
ABED
I am not a pervert. Its not gonna be a porn scene or nothing similar…we are going to cut before either of them gets completely naked. I want just some kisses on the skin, filthy words maybe…not more.
SHIRLEY
Them? Who are they? Who is gonna get naked? I mean, you and Annie…
ABED
Jeff and Annie, of course. The sex scene is between them.
SHIRLEY
Oh. This has more sense…Not that you doesn't make sense naked or in this activity, Abed.
ABED
Don't worry. I understand: He is Jeff.
SHIRLEY
Yeah…so, sex scene? You are talking about your show about us. Don't you?
ABED
Yes. I am due to film the fifth episode of the third season.
SHIRLEY
Third season! How many chapters are there?
ABED
Twenty-five per season
SHIRLEY
Can I…Can I watch it?
ABED
Yes. Of course, I think you will enjoy Jeff and Annie's first date. They don't realize it is a date. Girls say it's romantic
SHIRLEY
Oh, cute!
ABED
Yes. That's the normal reaction.
4. STUDY ROOM (LIBRARY). INT/DAY
PIERCE
So this guy comes in a bar and…
BRITTA
Can we begin studying Spanish please?
JEFF
Annie is not here yet.
TROY
Shirley isn't, either
ABED
Oh. Annie is not gonna come today. I forgot to tell you, guys.
JEFF
What? Why? Is she ill?
ABED
No. She is shopping underwear with FakeAnnie.
JEFF
That doesn't seem something that Annie would do.
ABED
Oh. But she is! Today is the big night! She is pretty excited!
PIERCE
…Like a virgin!
BRITTA
Pierce, we are gonna do like we didn't hear you!
TROY
Don't we do this everyday?
JEFF
Abed. Can you explain us the real reason? If she asked for your help…You can tell us the truth, she is your friend but we are too.
In this moment, Shirley comes in. She is crying soundly and she points to Jeff, accusatively.
SHIRLEY
You don't deserve her, hot pants! She is right: Men are evil and you are a man!
JEFF
What have I done now?
ABED
I think she has just watched the finale of the first season.
TROY
Does anybody understand? Because I don't understand what he is talking about, and I always understand him so this is wrecking my brain.
BRITTA
Don't worry Troy, I don't understand him and I am sure Jeff doesn't either.
ABED
She watched the show I am filming about us. There Jeff and Annie have a tortuous relationship, after a big sexy kiss in this same study room, they try to avoid the sexual tension. Specially Jeff, who thinks he is too old for Annie
JEFF
I am! She is eighteen and I am…well, older
ABED
So in an episode he says to Buddy that we try to not sexualise her
BRITTA
Do you have a FakeBudy too?
SHIRLEY
But Jeff doesn't want to sexualise her because he did it once, and they kissed but they can't be together for the difference age and he is suffering a lot, because she is always beside him in the study room, and she wears short skirts, and he doesn't see innocence in her anymore…but they can't be together so they just look at each other with loving eyes…and it is very heartbreaking! So sad!
ABED
But then, a guy named Ethan moves to Greendale because he is expelled from Yale. Ethan falls in love with Annie and they start dating, even when Annie is still in love with Jeff, who comes to the realization that if he can't sexualise her, nobody can. So he ask her to dump Ethan, But Annie thinks he is being possessive instead of romantic, so she says no.
SHIRLEY
… But three hours after, she changes her mind and she goes to look for him.
TROY
Why are they ending each other phrases? That is my job!
SHIRLEY
But when she comes to the library, I mean, she arrives here…Jeff is making out with another girl which name I don't know yet!
(She cries again, violently)
ABED
Her name is Ashley
SHIRLEY
Then Annie looks at Jeff's eyes and says: "Men are evil and you are a man. I hate you!" Poor girl….
Couldn't you have waited three hours? You would be happy right now!
JEFF
Shirley, This story didn't really happen… and probably it won't happen.
ABED
In the next chapter, Annie starts working in a nightclub like a sexy dancer.
SHIRLEY
Oh, Does she? Poor sweet girl in love!
ABED
Spoiler. Sorry, Shirley
JEFF
See? Annie as a strip dancer? Not realistic
TROY
I think one of her favourites movies is Moulan Rouge
Shirley cries again, more soundly if it is even possible.
PIERCE
I expected a little more of meat from that movie, if you know what I mean.
SHIRLEY
In the TV show, Jeff usually dreams about her…not cute dreams, evil man dreams! See, its real! Everything is gonna happen, Abed is a physic…a witch!
JEFF
I don't dream about Annie…not in that erotic way you are thinking of, Shirley
ABED
Off Character
JEFF
Well, Doesn't matter what I dream. Ok? The important thing is that Abed Cool Videos are fiction.
Shirley continues crying.
JEFF
Okay… We can't study today. Reunion dissolved… I am gonna look for this Ashley chick.
SHIRLEY
He is an evil man, he is…
JEFF gets out of the library. Abed follows him.
5. COLLEGE LONGUE. INT/DAY
ABED
Jeff! I think FakeJeff wants to ask about your favourite sexual positions
JEFF
Right now, I am uncomfortable talking about this thing, Abed.
Dean Pelton appears suddenly in front of them. A student is beside him, he seems a male version of Annie. His hair is black; he uses short pants and a wool sweeter.
DEAN PELTON
Jeff, Jeff, Jeff… The student I wanted to see. I have talked about you a lot to Nathan… and I can't think of a better person to show Nathan around the campus
JEFF frowns and looks at Abed.
ABED
I knew the audience wouldn't like his character because he is an obstacle between you and Annie, so I opted to name him Ethan, because I like Nathan of One Tree Hill. Didn't want to tarnish his name
Nathan and Dean Pelton looks at Jeff expectantly, their faces reflect their confusion about the conversation with Abed.
DEAN PELTON
So Jeff, What do you say?
ABED
They are going to hate each other. Bad idea.