Credits:
Characters and Hetalia by Hidekaz Himaruya
Song: "The Reason" by Hoobastank
I only own the storyline depicted here.
This is my first fanfic posted on so...Tell me what you think! ^w^
~ Yuuki
I'm not a perfect person.
There's many things I wish I didn't do,
But I continue learning.
I never meant to do those things to you.
This could have been easier.
I could have put the words in a better order...or even thought through it better so he would understand how I felt.
Or maybe I should have just left before I did something unforgivable...
"GET OUT!" Antonio yelled, stomping up to me and roughly shoving me towards the door.
"Get out, and don't ever come back! I never want to see you again!"
As I stumbled back and caught myself on the wall just beside the front door, I realized just how far what happened had pushed him...
Maybe even broke him...
I never meat to hurt him like this...
It was an accident...
I was hurting, too...
And so I have to say before I go...
That I just want you to know...
"Toni, I'm sorry," I whispered, dropping my head and closing my eyes at the incoming tears. I knew this was so far from my usual angry attitude that it would throw a red flag for Antonio, and when I glanced up, he was staring at me angrily, but quietly.
That wasn't good. Antonio is never this quiet.
"I never meant to hurt you. I understand if you hate me now, " I whispered again, turning my head as the tears began seeping out of my closed eyelids,
"I'll go. You won't see me again unless you want to. I'll become better just in case you ever do want to speak to me again, but I won't get my hopes up. "
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be.
A reason to start over new...
and the reason is you.
"I...I love you...Antonio, " I said, looking up at him as the tears fell rapidly down my cheeks.
And with that, I turned and walked out of the door...
for what I somehow knew would be forever.
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
Two Years Later
I miss him...
The thought passed through my head as I stared down at the tomato my little brother had placed in front of me on the bar in our little kitchen.
"Ve! Fratello, I brought you the biggest tomato I could find to cheer you up!" he squeaked, practically beaming at me as he visually begged for me to appraise his sweet gesture.
As the thoughts raced through my mind, I sat still as stone though still staring at the red fruit I used to love so much...
Antonio...
Before I could do anything, Feliciano leaned closer to me and pulled me to his chest, causing me to have to latch onto him to keep from falling off the bar stool, but I didn't reject his hug as I would have a couple years ago.
"I'm sorry, fratello...I didn't know it still hurts you," he whispered, gently rubbing my back as I cried into his chest, "I'm here. Let it go."
So I did...For hours.
Eventually, we wound up moving to the living room and I continued crying in my younger brother's arms like I never would have had that day not happened two years ago...
In the kitchen, the tomato still remained whole and alone...
Well, at least we had one thing in common, it and I...
I was changed, but I was still alone...
Without Antonio...
And all the pain I put you through...
I wish that I could take it all away...
I thought back to the events that happened that days as I woke up still huddled into Feliciano's arms as he held me protectively as if he were the older brother instead.
I didn't mind...
He did this often now...
Often times, I would dream of everything that happened that horrible, heart and soul shattering day two years ago...
...and he would have to hold me together even though I knew he was barely "together" himself...
Because...after all...that day had broken him as well...
"Antonio!" I yelled, trying desperately to find him and prove what I'd feared to be wrong.
I was running frantically through the house, trying to find my boyfriend of 3 years. I knew he always waited on the couch for me if I didn't come home by six from my job at the Italian restaurant down the street and he sometimes falls asleep there, but it worried me that he wasn't there when I finally got home.
"Antonio, please be-" I started, before reaching our room and finding him sitting on the bed with his phone beside him and his head in his hands. "Antonio?" I asked, thoroughly worried now.
"He's gone," I heard him mutter.
I walked up to him and sat beside him, placing a hand on his shoulder as I shook with fear of what those two words could mean.
"Antonio, who's gone? Please t-"
"LUDWIG IS GONE, LOVINO, AND YOUR BROTHER IS DEVISTATED! Or haven't you noticed all the calls and texts on your phone?" he yelled, sobbing uncontrollably as he pointed an accusing finger in the direction of my pocket where my phone resided.
And be the one who catches all your tears...
"A-antonio...My phone has been dead since lunch...I-I didn't...I don't...M-my brother...Pl-" I stammered, becoming increasingly upset as I rambled on.
Antonio looked at my face and his entire demeanor changed. Standing up, he stumbled in my direction and stood before me, still sobbing as he looked into my watery eyes.
"I didn't know, Antonio...Oh, mio Dio...Feli...Oh, no...My baby brother...Dammit...I'm-..I N-need...t-t-to...A-antonio..." I stammered more, unable to form coherent sentences anymore as I covered my face with my hands.
That's why I need you to hear...
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be...
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You.
It couldn't be...Not Ludwig. Not my brother's boyfriend for a year more than Antonio and I...No...
N-no...NO!
I'm not a perfect person.
I never meant to do those things to you,
And so I have to say before I go...
"NO!" I yelled, unintentionally smacking Antonio's hand away from me as I gestured with my outburst.
"A-ant-tonio...I didn't mean to-" I mumbled, looking over at him in shock as I stood up and stumbled away from him.
"Leave, Lovino," Antonio replied, not bothering to look up at me as I backed away further at his words.
"LEAVE! NOW!"
That I just want you to know...
"I love you."
I'm not a perfect person...
I never meant to do those things to you.
So, I did.
Again.
Little did I know, I was running away from the only person that I would ever be loved by and truly love in return...
And I'd just hurt him more than anyone else ever could...
Because the fact was...Antonio Fernandes Carriedo...
was completely and utterly in love with me...
Key word:
Was...
Mere hours after this confrontation, I got a call saying he had been in a car crash on the way to my brother's house and died, but had given instructions to give a letter to his boyfriend.
Me.
It read:
"My dear Lovi,
I'm so sorry for how I treated you today. I know it wasn't your fault and I overreacted. Please forgive me. I didn't know just how much you cared for Feliciano, but I realize it now. However, now it's too late... The doctors say I haven't much time because of internal bleeding around my heart, but I chose to spend my last moments writing this letter to you because you are what matters most to me, despite you deserving better than anything I could give you.
I love you, Lovino.
Please, never forget that.
Please tell Feliciano that I need him to take care of mi tomate, now...
With all the love I could ever have for you and more,
Antonio.
P.S. You should smile more, Lovi. It's really beautiful when you do."
As I remembered the last words, I pulled away from Feliciano and looked up at him.
"F-feli...Th-thank you...But I...I shouldn't put all this on you...You're still hurting, too..." I whispered, wiping my face with the tissue my brother had handed me from the box on the table as I spoke.
"I know I am, but who will take care of us if we don't take care of ourselves?" he replied, looking and sounding far more intelligent than he used to as he smiled at me comfortingly, though his eyes told me I had hit home.
And so I have to say before I go,
That I just want you to know...
My brother had become wiser over the past two years, and we had become close, but I still knew he was hurting too badly still to be consistently level-headed.
"Feli, you can let it out to me," I whispered, placing a hand on his shoulder and causing him to look down at it sadly before he finally looked back up at me with his true emotions plastered all over his face.
I saw all of his sadness, anger, confusion, and grieving in those amber eyes of his...
and I understood it all...
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be.
"Let it out, Feli," I whispered, pulling my brother to me and holding him close as he had done for me recently.
As I held him while he cried his eyes out, blubbering about "Luddy" and how much he missed every single thing about the "Potato Bastard", as I used to call him, I realized something...
A reason to start over new...
...and the reason is you.
I may not be able to get Antonio back because of that day two years ago, but I have my little brother to be better for.
I have to be better for him.
For him, I'll do anything and everything to make him happy again, even if I have to suffer to make it happen. He is the most important person in my life now...
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know.
"Lovi," Feliciano whispered, pulling back from me and looking me in the eyes, "Th-thank you...Two years ago, this would have never happened..."
"Feli, two years ago, neither of us knew this would be how we'd turn out," I replied, absentmindedly fixing a stray lock of hair that had fallen over his eyes as he spoke, "But we turned out better than we used to be, don't you think?"
My brother made my heart soar as I looked down at him while he replied, "Lovino, you're the best fratello ever. I could never ask for a better one."
I felt tears well up in my eyes for the millionth time today as I smiled and pulled him back into a hug and rested my chin on the top of his head.
A reason for all that I do...
"Feliciano, mi fratello, ti amo," I whispered, beginning to cry once more.
Though, this time, I was actually...
...happy.
And the reason is:
You.
"Lovino, ti amo, troppo, mi frat-tello," I heard him whisper back, his voice shaking on the last syllable.
"I know you do, Feli. Thank you."
We stayed that way for a few hours before finally splitting ways and going to our separate bedrooms. It was near 4 in the morning when we finally did.
However, sometime during the night, Feliciano made his way into my room speaking of "nightmares that made sleeping alone too scary" and I woke up to his arms snaking around me. Before I could object, I heard him whisper,"Please don't leave me, too, fratello. I need you."
"I need you too, Feli," I replied, "Now, go to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up. I promise."
True, we may not have our loved ones...
but we both have a reason to keep living...
If you asked us, we would both point to one another and reply,
"The reason is you."