Weird, Weird, Weird, Weird, Weird World!
By James Carmody.
Disclaimer: BtVS/AtS is the property of Joss Whedon, and until he decides otherwise, his to distribute the rights to sell stories written into. I do not have any contract with him, so I forego any financial claim to this tale. Nor do I own "Charmed", same disclaiming of financial ownership of "Earth Final Conflict"… I forego any financial claim to this story.
Timeline: Approximately some time in Season 6 of BtVS, Season 3 of AtS.
Summary: Sick of fighting with her boyfriend, and her ex, Angel, acting like a jerk over things in her eyes, along with her own friends having kidnapped her, Buffy rebels and acts up by… well, you'll see!
Genre(s): Humor, Romance.
Warning: Further warnings as story progresses, but so utterly and completely AU that it's considered by author to have a degree of insanity within it- odd stuff ahead, to put it simply!
Author's Story Notes: Be ready for odd stuff, folks, this is so utterly similar to crack!fic that it's main focus is humor, even the romance touch is humor for the most part; but rest assured, my more devout fans, there's a distinct moral to this; pretty much summed up as "Live according to moral laws or odd stuff will happen and your life will get weird; really weird really fast!", hence the humor at how odd people's lives can get if they don't live right.
Pairings: Spike/Buffy (past), Angel/Buffy (before that), Buffy/Harmony (currently).
Rating: I'm going to be cautious and rate it "R" / "M", just to be on the safe side, but it's gentle enough and filled with action/adventure to be rated "T"… however, I don't trust people's morals enough to be sure teens would be safe, so Definitely PG, and high PG at that, not usual PG, at the very least., ie: get your parents to check it out if you're even in your mid-teens to verify if it'd be safe for you to read! I do not want to be in trouble in the afterlife for leading children astray- the main purpose of this is to advocate *for* natural law, not to suggest ways to violate it!
Characters: Scooby Gang and their friends/associates, as well as their a quaintances; so many of the people and things that live in Sunnydale!
Chapter 1.): "Let the Weirdness Begin!"
Chapter 1 Beginning Author's Notes: Well, folks, here it is: let your minds get loose and prepare for some outlandishly bizarre adventures in Sunnydale, with some completely kooky and bizarre relations and relationships- perhaps one reason that Buffy gets into this relationship is because she's from a broken family, which'll be discussed later on in the story… or pretty soon, actually. Now, without further ado: "Let the Weirdness Begin!"
Buffy sat with her thighs crossed, wearing blue jeans and a silk blouse, in her girlfriend Harmony's crypt, on a couch with Harmony cuffed to the bedstand and laying on the bed; as the two twenty-something year old women regarded eachother with smiles on their faces. Harmony's hands were cuffed above her head, and her blouse was opened, as well as both of their blouses being slightly mussed up, as if they'd been misbehaving- which they'd most definitely been doing in the past few hours.
Off to the foot of the bed were Buffy's black leather high-heeled boots that she'd worn to this date with her newest lover, Harmony Kendall, and the two were quietly talking to eachother in the calm, gentle, tones used by lovers towards oneanother, as well as playing around.
Buffy got an impish look in her eyes, and proceeded to extend her left hand to lightly tickle Harmony's naked right thigh, only to have the blonde vampiress wiggle and crack up as she kicked frantically, laughing the whole time. Harmony herself, while wearing a blouse was wearing blue jean shorts with the legs rolled up, and neither young woman was wearing shoes currently. However, as much fun Buffy was having tickling her girlfriend, she never risked scratching her at all, out of sheer devotion for the other blonde's beautiful skin.
Odd things however were also going on, and Harmony had recently purchased, with a bank account in the Caiman islands that she'd set up in secret under an alias that hadn't been closed with her death- how that'd happened escaped both women, but it was a plus, for they'd recently discussed moving into a house together that Harmony would buy, but Harmony had quite a bit of money in that account, and had gone online and purchased a sex-toy with the funds, aiming to share it with her blonde lover.
Buffy laughed lightly at how she was able to reduce her girlfriend to a squirming mess of giggles just by running her hand along the outside of Harmony's right thigh very gently as Harmony kept right on giggling helplessly- it was quite amusing… but as she did this, she reflected on how she'd come to plan to live with this undead woman in a state of pseudo-wedlock known as "shacking up". She'd been fighting a lot with her friends, and when Spike had started to act like a jerk, she'd stormed out of his crypt, only to run smack-dab into Harmony Kendall of all people- if you could even call her a person at that time- but anyways, two distraught young women, upset over how their lives had gone, and at odds with the same sometime boyfriend, had some things in common… and it'd ended up that the two of them had gone to the Bronze and, after a few drinks, had engaged in one of the more spectacular, or dumb, decisions they'd ever make, ever, and had gone home together to spend the night.
End result: Buffy woke up in bed with Harmony of all people; too upset over being kidnapped from Heaven, and enraged with her friends, but unwilling to break their hearts, and here was her frenemy, Harmony Kendall, from high school, and the two had sort of bonded- first emotionally, and then physically, then emotionally again with the two of them nude under the sheets together, and now each saw the other as "wife" of hers; and before she knew it, Buffy realized that she liked how tender Harmony was with her, and how she was free to be tender with her- both women were furious with Spike over how he had acted like a jerk to them, another thing that'd connected the two of them, emotionally speaking, and they'd, well, mated actually… the result was intense romantic affection and devotion, and the utter and complete inability to get the other out of her mind by each of them! It was everything opposite to what they may have thought would happen: instead of a night of forgetting, they'd found an intense inability to forget anything about the other girl!
"I had fun." Harmony said, once she'd come down from her laughter fit.
"Me, too." Buffy replied, and winked at her lover, smiling, partly filled with a sense of power at making Harmony giggle, and partly happy at pleasing her, then she crawled up the bed, put her mouth on Harmony's right nipple, and proceeded to nurse on her, which caused Harmony's breathing to hitch and a smile to come to the bound female vampire's face.
"Oh, that feels so darn good!" Harmony laughed as Buffy suckled on her some more… "Do that some more; please, Mistress Buffy." Harmony said.
Buffy suckled on her for maybe a minute more, then reared her upper body back a bit, and winking and smirking at her vampiress, she asked her sweetly, but in a no-nonsense tone that made it clear who's the boss in their relationship "Was that a command, or a request?" she asked in a sweet tone, with an underlying threat to it.
Harmony swallowed hard, realizing just how close she'd come to ordering her mistress around, and thereby ending up with a steak that gives her heartburn, and, looking down, she mumbled something.
Buffy, who was holding herself up over Harmony as she did this, put her right hand to Harmony's face, and grabbing her by her lower jaw, turned her head more to face her, and asked her gently, but threateningly, as if she actually *did* own Harmony "What was that, Harmony? Didn't quite catch you" she asked with a smirk and a wink- she was really loving this "mistress/slave girl" roleplay relationship she had going with her fiancé, Harmony Kendall, it was oodles of fun in a darkly sick way, and she, while having to go to work again, definitely didn't want to go.
"I said" Harmony voiced, in a tone of intended respect, but so filled with frustration based on terror, that it came out as anger and thereby disrespect "that it was a request, *Mistress*.", while looking at Buffy in the eyes.
Buffy put her pointer finger to her lips as she pretended to think it over; she knew in herself that she had long been attracted to Harmony on a strictly physical level; which, she suspected was why she'd adamantly declined to have her over at all to 1630 Ravello Drive, her family home, she was scared of what she saw in herself… being a homosexual was something very very weird, and as both of them wanted to be cheerleaders, weird could break them from the team, pretty much forever.
However, Buffy herself was unusually physically strong, but it was, she'd learned, far more a spiritual strength than any physical one- kind of an "inheritance" if you please. It was rooted, not in magic spells, but rather in her very soul, something of a true supernatural origin, rather than mere preternatural origin, as a prayer would be, or a spell… and that strength, plus her nightly activities, had made her unusual, hence: weird, however, her being so strong had helped her out with cheerleading, as well as being incredibly co-ordinated, physically.
Buffy thought for a bit, and cocking her head to her left, slightly, she smirked at Harmony and winked at her, a clue between them that she was playing- and hence, Harmony was totally safe from harm at her hands, before replying. She looked her in the eyes; and, muttering a quick spell out of an attitude of sheer rebelliousness towards Heaven for letting her be kidnapped by her friends like that instead of making some effort to fight for her- if she was such a good and faithful servant to their cause, you'd think that whoever or whatever presided over the so-called "Powers that Be" would've fought to protect her from being kidnapped right out of her bed by her so-called friends… "*Friends*…", she thought with bitterness and sarcasm, "friends don't kidnap you out of your own bedchamber and keep you away from your stepmom in Paradise- especially after you've died for them!" she thought, recalling some quiet time she'd had with the Blessed Virgin, as a child would have with their adoptive mom- just "mother/daughter time", time she was sure she'd never get access to ever again; and, before she replied, a tear formed at her left eye and rolled down her left cheek… she didn't even notice it until her girlfriend, Harmony, raised her head and licked the tear line away, and then laid back, fearful of overstepping her place in this relationship.
Buffy gazed at her, stunned by this act of tenderness from a supposed adversary whom she was currently using- and who was letting herself be used, and briefly wondered who between them was closer to the First's spirit followers; a thought that scared her, yes, Harmony was missing a soul, or so Buffy believed, but then again, prior to her death, and while in College, she'd sometimes gone over to Giles' place, and, with the two of them seated in the courtyard's chairs, had talked over some of the darker episodes in world history, events like the Holdomor and the Hollicaust, and other dark events- mostly for history coursework in UC Sunnydale; and she'd discovered that a good amount of the more horrible events, while having astonishingly similar threads, too similar to discount a dark entity as a "master spirit" to all those who engage in such horrid mistreatment of their fellow humans, all those events were perpetraited by beings with souls, beings not too different from herself, especially once in their lives, but who, by their atrocious misbehavior, have turned into human monsters, beings compared to whom even her fellow superhuman, Faith Lehane, once viewed as a stepsister, now an adversary, would pale in comparison, men of true darkness, such as Pizarro, or Montezuma II, or Iosef V. Stalin, or Mao, men who's desire to control the world, or get rich quick, or any number of other desires, were warped by an evil spirit into true monsters.
"It's okay, regarding drying my tear… thank you, by the way." Buffy winked at Harmony, intending to mean friendship and gratitude "But we're still going to have to have a talk about showing your mistress, me, proper respect., and remembering to voice requests as requests, instead of giving your mistress orders." She said, smirking a bit, and punctuated it in an unusual way, by kissing Harmony on the lips with a little peck in the middle thereof.
With that, Buffy got up off the bed in Harmony's basement, and, after blowing her a kiss, pulled her boots on, zipped them up, winked at her, and went to leave the chamber.
"Aren't you going to untie me?" Harmony asked with a pout that Buffy found cute.
"Ummm, no… but I *will* lock the crypt, so you'll be safe. Love you, Harm!" Buffy exclaimed, and blowing her another kiss with her left hand, she proceeded to ascend the ladder to get up and out to go to work in her resumed job at the Sunnydale branch of the Doublemeat Palace… "Don't want to go, but if I don't, people will start asking questions… so; got to go, but I'll be back soon."
All throughout her work shift Buffy was constantly distracted, thinking about Harmony; in fact, her distraction caused her to have to report to the manager over what was going on at home- something she definitely didn't want to do, nor did she like lying to her boss about anything, really, but it was either that or she'd have to let slip that she was now living with another woman in a relationship that was a pseudo-marriage; which she feared could cost her her job, so she lied to her employer out of fear of being found out.
All in all, she was miserable inside: her life was completely inside-out and upside down; she was living with a woman she wasn't married to in a relationship that couldn't result in marriage anyway, and fighting with every one of her friends and family over everything, the only one who gave her solace was her vampire nemesis who she was currently sleeping with and if this wasn't messed up enough, she was now lying through her teeth to her neighbors- something was sure to give, and in all likelihood, it'd be soon that it would give, and completely too!
And something did give soon, very soon, for instead of making sure to pick Dawn up after school, she went straight to Harmony's place to spend a few hours after work- fully intending to fool around in acts of fornication with her feminine lover!
It wasn't that she wanted sex of all things, she wanted someone to understand and relate to her as a person- and due to not having much of a moral background, sadly, she tried to bond with people on a hormonal level instead of her higher functions- the result was by and large every time she wound up in disasterous romantic relationships!
Her life was complicated enough, and to make matters worse, she had two different stepfamilies; Giles had practically adopted her, or so she saw their relationship as that, and in the real world to her, not the world of perspective, her dad, Hank Summers, had recently married his secretary, Paige, who, upon some further research, it'd become discovered by her friends and family that her stepmom worked in San Francisco at a club by the name of P3, little else was known of her, however, but knowing Willow- one of the people Buffy wasn't really speaking to these days- she'd dig into it all the more… Willow'd been discussing literature with an ex-girlfriend of Tara's by the name of Kennedy Sandoval, online only, and the three of them had been getting into mystery novels… and knowing Willow as she did, Buffy knew that she'd not turn down the opportunity to investigate a mystery, especially "who's this person?" kind of mysteries.
It was bound to be an interesting, but extremely weird few months in the immediate future at least.
To Be Continued…
End Chapter 1 Author's Notes: Well, this certainly grew far larger than I'd intended, and while I'm definitely having fun with this, I want to know what you readers think, so feel free to ask me questions.