Disclaimer: I don't own Pokémon. I've been a One shot type of mood so here you go! :)
Hopelessness. That was probably the only emotion Dawn Berlitz was currently feeling at this exact moment as she sat in the driver's seat of her car, gripping the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles were turning a ghostly white. Not only that but she was also frustrated. She was frustrated with herself, with them, but mostly him. She was parked a few blocks away from his house and she had been there for about twenty minutes, maybe more. She was still debating on whether she should go inside his house and see him or just drive on off.
Every few seconds, her eyes would slowly drift away from his house and look towards her phone that was lying on the passenger seat beside her. Dawn knew that no matter how many times she hoped or her gaze would land on the phone, she wouldn't get a response from anyone. They all simply stopped caring all together and it was breaking her heart. The only ones who cared, but didn't know what to do were the usual gang. And that gang consisted of, Drew and May, Gary and Leaf, and Misty and Ash and of course herself. They all tried to get through to him, but since she was the closest to him she tried just a little bit more.
Dawn was extremely worried. She was so worried to the point where nothing else actually mattered because her mind was stuck on him and only him, Paul Shinji. In a blink of an eye, he had isolated himself from everyone more than he usually does and she wanted to know what was going on in his troubled head more than anything.
Sighing, Dawn picked up her phone from the passenger seat and dialed an all too familiar number. As she placed the phone to her ear, her heart began to race rapidly as she heard that same familiar ring. She was crossing her fingers that maybe just once he would actually answer and they could finally talk after weeks of not talking.
Like all the other countless times she called his number, the ringing stopped and in a matter of seconds, she got his voicemail. She could feel tears start to swell up in her eyes as she heard the strong, monotone voice her best friend was now lacking. It seemed like it had been years since she had seen him laugh, make fun of her and the rest of their friends. She was used to him always being quiet, but when it was just them two he opened up himself to her, letting her fully in. And for a while it hasn't been the same. He wasn't okay, it was obvious.
She was more than done at this point. She wasn't going to sit back and continue on with her life as she watched her best friend push her away along with the rest of their friends that were a big part of his life. She wasn't going to sit back and watch him slowly slip through the cracks and break completely. He was the only person she would risk her life for. She cared about him more than anything and anyone. Even if he didn't know of her feelings, they were still there. They were always there no matter how much they argue or disagree.
Not caring about her phone, she threw her phone carelessly to the back seat, hearing it thump down onto the floor. She hurried to open the door and once her feet touched the pavement beneath her, she slammed the car door shut and quickly took off running towards her best friend's house.
Once she was standing in front of his house, she walked up the steps until she reached his front door. Her heart started to race quicker as she placed her hand on the white door knob and slowly turned it, entering a house that was like a second home except she hadn't even stepped foot in it for a couple of weeks now.
"Hello?" she called out, hoping to get an answer. Not getting an answer, Dawn let out a sigh of frustration. She let her feet lead her to the kitchen, hoping to find someone there.
Dawn felt herself smile slightly as she reached the kitchen to see Paul's mother leaning forward on the island of the kitchen, reading a magazine. "Hi, Mrs. Shinji."
Looking up from her magazine, Mrs. Shinji smiled sweetly at Dawn. "Hello dear. I haven't seen you in a while."
"Uh—yeah. I've been really busy lately. School has become really hectic and I've been working intense hours at work," Dawn lied smoothly, not actually wanting to tell her why she hasn't been around. "Is Paul home?" she asked, quickly changing the topic.
Mrs. Shinji's expression suddenly changed into an emotionless one at the mention of her son. She slowly nodded her head, "When isn't that kid home?"
Dawn frowned, taken back a bit by the harsh response from Paul's mother. She understands that the accident had taken an effect on her, but to take it out on her son wasn't right at all.
"Uh—is he upstairs in his room?" she asked her with hesitation evident in her voice.
Again, Mrs. Shinji nodded her head and went back to reading her magazine, finishing the conversation with Dawn.
Dawn frowned harder at her. She couldn't believe how she is reacting. No wonder Paul isn't getting better, she is grieving by taking it out on him.
"I'll just be going upstairs now…" she told her awkwardly.
Dawn turned on her heel and walked out of the kitchen and towards the staircase. As she walked up each step, she swore that Paul's mom could hear the loud beat of her heart racing quickly inside her chest. She was scared to what she would find once she was face to face with Paul or his reaction to seeing her there after so long of not even associating with each other.
She practically ran up the stairs to his bedroom door. She didn't bother to knock, she simply walked in. Once she was in his room, she stopped in her tracks and let her eyes slowly roam around his room. Paul was a very neat person and right now his room was completely trashed. Everything was misplaced and either on the floor or on random pieces of furniture. She quietly closed the door behind her and she noticed that Paul wasn't in his room.
Still looking around, her eyes landed on the tie tied around his ceiling fan and hanging limply in the air. Dawn could feel the tears burning in her eyes as she slowly closed them, and tears escaping her eyes rolling down her cheeks. Opening up her eyes, she saw a piece of paper lying underneath the fan and on his bed just as limply as the tie was around the fan.
Dawn made her way over to the bed and picked up the paper in her hand, letting more tears freely fall from her eyes as she read what was written on the paper.
Dear whoever comes to read this, first off I'm sorry you found my dead body. I'm also sorry you have to be the miserable person to read and witness this letter. I'm sorry I killed my father and Reggie. I know no one wants me here and I honestly don't blame them. I wish it was me that was killed instead of them. I hope my friends and my mother can forgive me. That is if they actually care and didn't forget about me. Mom, I'm sorry that you lost your oldest son and that you can't grow old with Dad anymore. Maylene, I'm so incredibly sorry that you didn't get to plan out your fairytale wedding that you and Reggie were supposed to have, but can't now. I honestly can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore without seeing the hatred I feel for myself. I know this is such a pathetic and weak thing for me to do, but I just can't handle the guilt anymore. It's eating me up alive inside. To all my friends, I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough to face this and that I was to prideful to confide in you guys. I hope you guys can forgive me, but I don't blame you if you don't.
Troublesome—Dawn Berlitz, to the most beautiful girl I have ever known. I'm am such a coward. I didn't have the balls to say this to your face. I guess I couldn't risk losing our friendship, or the rejection to be honest. I guess I was never really strong in the first place, huh? I know you are supposed to have a date this weekend with that idiot of guy named Barry. Seriously Troublesome, what in the world do you see in that guy? He's a complete douche, but if that's what makes you happy then that's all I want for you. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm in love with you. And I've been in love with you since the first day we met in second grade and I made fun of you and made you cry. Arceus, I'm going to risk sounding like a sap because it's you. I love how you always challenged me. I love our meaningless fights because seeing you get riled up is the cutest thing in the world. I love everything thing you hate about yourself. You are perfect, so stop putting on all that dumb make up and trying to make everyone like you, because newsflash they already do. And if they don't then they are just stupid. I'm sorry I killed the person who was like an older brother to you and the person who was the closest to a father you could have. I didn't mean to do it and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I love you—Paul.
Dawn dropped the note on the bed as she tried to control her breathing. But she felt like she was having a panic attack. More tears were falling down her cheeks and she wished she hadn't just witnessed Paul's suicide letter. Hearing a muffled sound coming from his closet, Dawn ran towards his closet with lighting speed and flung the door open.
Sure enough, there was Paul. He was sitting against the back wall of the closet, his legs were pulled up to his chest and his IPod was on full blast. He knew she was there. He slowly looked up at her without a word, the look in his eyes was completely breaking her heart. He didn't look like the cold hearted, sarcastic, strong-willed guy. He looked so broken and vulnerable. He looked so lost and right now the old Paul Shinji was gone.
Without a word, Dawn sat beside him and wrapped her arms firmly around his figure. She smiled sadly as Paul shyly handed her an ear bud from his IPod. Running one hand through his hair, soothingly. She used the other hand to place the ear bud in her ear. But in a matter of seconds, she felt Paul shaking against her. She paused the song and placed the IPod off to the side and held him even tighter. She knew how hard he was taking this and how he doesn't want to cry in front of her. But she suddenly felt relieved that he was showing her how much pain he is in, instead of just holding it in.
Paul buried his face into her shoulder as uncontrollable sobs racked through his body. He gripped onto her shirt as if he was a child. His knuckles were turning white and his sobs were so loud and violent and as soon as he felt Dawn place a kiss on the top of his forehead, the sobs only continued to get worse.
Dawn tried to keep her emotions in check as she listened to Paul's heart wrenching sobs. As one hand was gently running itself through Paul's tousled hair, Dawn's free arm was securely wrapped around Paul's shaking body, holding him as close to her as she could.
"Why—why are you here?" Paul finally asked after a few minutes. His sobs died down and he was now trying to control his breathing but fresh tears were still rolling down his already wet cheeks. He kept his head on her shoulder and didn't make eye contact, keeping his eyes focused on the wall opposite of them.
Looking down at the hand that was still gripping onto her shirt, Dawn saw the deep red lines that were slashed across his wrist. His long sleeve shirt had slowly slipped down a little and it gave Dawn all the evidence that the suicide wasn't just something to get everyone to pay attention to him. Paul never liked attention anyways, it was the real thing and he was slowly killing himself.
"Why do you think killing yourself is the only way out!?" she shouted, causing Paul to slightly flinch at her loud voice.
As Dawn grabbed onto his arm and brought it up to his face, he was met with all the cuts and scars he had created. He still didn't make eye contact with her but kept his focus on his wrist.
"Why does it even matter?" he mumbled out in misery.
Dropping his hand on her lap, she roughly cupped his cheeks in her hands. "It's NOT your fault Paul! What don't you understand about that?" she screamed at him, "Look at me right now, Shinji!"
He slowly turned to look at her timidly. "It is my fault," he mumbled even quieter, not knowing what else to say.
Shaking her head, Dawn let a few more tears fall from her eyes. "No, it's not. You weren't the one who was stupidly driving drunk. You weren't the one who smashed into your father's car. It was an accident. Things like this just happen without there being a reason, but it isn't your fault. Just because you were the one who survived the accident, does not make it your fault."
"If it's not my fault then why can't my mother look at me or treat me as if I'm her son? Why are all of our friends walking on egg shells whenever I'm around? Why does everyone fucking stare at me like I'm already dead?" Paul said with a loud snarl.
Dawn sighed and shrugged, stroking his cheeks with her thumbs, wiping away his tears. "This is your mother's way of grieving. Surely it isn't a good one, but everyone else is just stupid. The gang is only acting that way because they don't know how to comfort you. You aren't the person who usually needs it after all, so this is strange and new to them. You don't deserve all this negativity you feel, Paul."
Paul shook his head stubbornly, "I do deserve it. It is my—." Before Paul could finish his sentence, Dawn had crashed her lips onto his. Feeling slightly shocked, Paul still found it in himself to kiss her back.
"Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up," she mumbled against his lips, placing a kiss against his lips after each word. Kissing him one more time, she let the kiss linger on for a few seconds before she pulled away leaning her forehead against his.
"I'm guessing you read my letter," he mumbled dryly, letting his eyes flutter close.
Dawn nodded her head, "Mhm. And I wished we both had the courage to tell each other how we felt, instead of me having to read about it in that horrible note."
"I'm sorry," he whispered, opening his charcoal colored eyes to see that she was looking at him.
"Will you stop saying sorry? The Paul I fell in love with never apologizes. Besides you don't have anything to be sorry for."
A small smirk reached Paul's face but it quickly dropped. "What about Barry? I thought you were going on a date with him?"
Dawn smiled softly and started to stroke his cheeks with her thumbs again. "I only said yes, because I didn't think I would ever be enough for you. Besides I have another date to day." Dawn bit on her bottom lip trying to hide a smile as she saw Paul's face break out into a small grin. "Are you doing anything today?"
Paul's face immediately lit up when Dawn asked him that question. "You are so damn troublesome."
Dawn giggled and she pressed her lips to his. She pulled him into her arms hugging him as tightly as she could knowing that she was too small to actually hurt him.
"I love you," she mumbled into his neck, and smiled as she heard him mumble the same response back.
"Thank you…" he mumbled into her hair.
Dawn suddenly looked at him with a serious glance, "Can you promise me something?"
"Yeah, anything."
Dawn stared into Paul's eyes for a few seconds before answering. "Whenever you feel like you aren't good enough for your life and you feel terrible, please please don't cut yourself. Please don't result to suicide. I can't—I can't lose you Paul. Please just come to me. Even if your ego won't let you. Please just never do this again, I don't think I can handle it."
"Promise, because you'll be the light, right?" he said, knowing how much of a sap he sounded like.
"I will be the light. Now and forever," she replied, leaning in to capture Paul's lips with her own.
A/N: Hi guys, here is an Ikari one shot. I did an Oldrival the other day. So maybe I'll do other one shots for other ships? Let me know who you would like to see :) Anyways, this was kind of a sad one shot. But on a serious note: I would just like to say if you are ever feeling down or feel like you can't go on another day or even feel like no one cares. I want you to remember this: I care. And that there is someone out there that cares about you. My friend committed suicide and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret not reaching out to her at all. It sucks, but just talk to someone if you ever feel those thoughts. My PM box is open to anyone that wants to talk about anything, or even try and talk to someone close to you. Thank you guys for reading, have a wonderful day/night! Leave a review :)