DELIBERATE DAMAGE

A BABYLON 5 FANFICTION

AUTHOR: Djap

PAIRING: Anla'Shok Marcus Cole x Alyt Neroon of the Star Rider Clan

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the boys and I won't make any money by writing about them. Pity.

BETA: Neenabluegirl – once again thank you for your help

RATING: PG13

GENRE: Drama, Romance, Humor

LANGUAGE: English

…

Deliberate Damage

a Djap story

…

Currently Doctor Stephen Franklin was working hard for his latest patient. In a way he was a VIP and practically nobody was allowed to know about him except for only a handful of people. His patient's status was still critical, but the doctor was confident that he would be able to save his life. Of course it would be better if he could work together with other doctors who were actually of the same race as his patient, but that especially was unthinkable in this situation. Everything depended on the fact that the patient's whole race believed the Minbari on the tilted bed dead.

So it had been a surprise when Delenn had informed him that he could expect a new visitor in the afternoon. Right on cue, one of his nurses knocked on the glass that separated him and his patient from the rest of sickbay. It was the sign that their visitor had arrived and would soon enter the intensive care unit.

When the Ranger finally entered his face was contorted in anger, which surprised Stephen. Marcus instantly started talking: "What is this nonsense about? A few minutes ago Delenn visited me and told me, that…"

Marcus never finished the sentence as his view fell on the ghostly pale and resting form of the Minbari on the platform.

"Valen!" Marcus finally said astonished. He stared at the Minbari, not really believing what he saw. "He's really alive. He's made it."

Suddenly his features darkened again and showed a heady mix of emotion. "That bastard!" he growled and before Stephen could even address his friend's surprising behavior, Marcus had stormed out again.

Stephen sighed.

It appeared that he had to look after two very special patients now.

Splendid.

…

"Go away." Marcus yelled from inside his quarters.

Stephen sighed and rang the doorbell to Marcus' quarters again. "I will not go away until I have talked to you."

"I don't want to see nobody."

Stephen blinked. Had Marcus just used a double negative? That certainly wasn't his usual style. Had he also been slurring in his speech? Stephen rang the bell again, now really worried. Finally the door swooshed open, revealing a very angry looking Marcus who smelled like a distillery.

"Marcus?"

Marcus stared accusingly at him. "I knew you would want to talk. But I don't want to talk about it."

"You will not be able to send me away this time, Marcus." Stephen said sternly. "Earlier I accepted that you wanted to deal with your problems alone, but when you now start to drown your sorrows in alcohol…"

"Oh shut up and take a seat!" Marcus groaned. "I drank because I knew that I need to talk to somebody about this. Until now I lacked the courage to do so. I knew you would not leave and in fact you are the only one to whom I can speak about this anyway."

Stephen looked puzzled while he took a seat at the table sniffing the suspicious flask on it.

"I am? Please enlighten me."

"First you drink too. I cannot do this when we are both sober. Or I might return to the infirmary and do something I will regret later."

"Marcus…" Stephen tried, but his friend shook his head. "No. I know you don't let good alcohol go to waste and this is the real good stuff. It's whiskey from earth."

Stephen's eyes grew round. "From home? How can you drink something special like that just to get drunk?" he softly chided, sniffing the flask again.

Marcus shrugged nonchalantly. "I live mostly with Minbari. No occasions exist that allows me to drink. It would just be too impolite."

Stephen saw the point and stood to gather a glass from the kitchen. He returned to fill it and took a sip. He sighed happily. "Wow, this really is the good stuff." He sipped again on the glass and finally took seat again. "Now please enlighten me, Marcus. What is wrong with you?"

Marcus sighed and leaned his head back against the back of the sofa, contemplating the ceiling. He was silent for a long while, looking sad and lost.

"Please Marcus, I am your friend. You know that." Stephen prodded.

Marcus sighed again. "I don't even know where to begin, Stephen. Since Denn'Sha my life has been a mess. Even more so than usual. And I have no idea how to clean it up anymore."

"So your emotional turmoil is really centered around Neroon? Why?"

Marcus chuckled. "You are not drunk enough when you can phrase your questions like that…" he teased, but Stephen looked at him sternly. "There is no need to joke, Marcus. You know that doesn't work with me. Please tell me what happened when you left after Denn'Sha."

Marcus grew earnest again and turned his gaze back to the ceiling.

"I fell in love. "

Stephen had a long list of possibilities that could have explained Marcus' distant and depressive behavior after his return. This had been none of them. It was boggling.

"You what?"

"I fell in love. It is as simple as that. Well that," Marcus admonished with his typical sarcasm "and the fact that the idiot bastard broke my bloody heart."

"Wait, wait, wait." Stephen said disorientated. "Are you really implying that you fell in love with Neroon? With Alyt-pain-in-the-ass-arrogant-bastard-Neroon?"

"The one and only yes." Marcus chuckled.

"I can't get my head around that. This is just too strange. I mean what? First you beat each other into the hospital and then suddenly you are all over each other?"

"Something along those lines, yes, coupled also with two long diplomatic missions on Minbar and a Minbari warrior set out to conquer my heart."

"But what about Ivanova? I thought you were in love with Susan?"

"I was, yes." Marcus sighed again looking even sadder. He brought the glass to his lips and gulped the rest of it before continuing. "But you were right. She was always out of my league and would never have returned my feelings. I was getting tired of always wanting somebody whom I couldn't have. Story of my life, really. So when Neroon appeared on the stage, acting as if he wanted me, I took my chance."

"'As if'?" Stephen said with a sinking feeling. "Please don't tell me that he wasn't serious."

Marcus didn't answer the question, but the look on his face spoke volumes.

"But why? Why did he lie to you?"

"Because he wanted information from me that he would never been able to gather through other ways. He needed to get directly into my head. Telepaths don't work on me if I don't let them in."

"He used a device to steal your thoughts?"

"Yes."

"But you need to be asleep unguarded and you are always very cautious about not falling asleep where something like that could happen."

"Yes. I am." Marcus suddenly blushed nicely, giving Stephen a good idea why exactly Marcus had not cared about safety. He needed his suspicions confirmed, though.

"So you two, uhm…" he vaguely made some motions with his hands indicating something obscene.

"Yes. We did. Twice that night and once in the morning, actually, after he had already gathered the information." Marcus confessed then groaned and buried his head in his hands. "Valen! I am such an idiot. I never realized it until it was too late."

"I still can't get my head around this, Marcus. When the hell did you turn gay?"

Marcus shrugged. "There had been male love interests in my life before. I just never did anything about it."

"Did you confront him about his betrayal?"

"I tried to, when I found out. He…" Marcus voice sounded chocked as he continued and Stephen felt a wave of anger pass through his body. Suddenly he wasn't so sure that Neroon would be safe in his care. "He just laughed at me. Calling me naïve and stupid. He told me, that this was his revenge for his loss of honor, when he let me live through Denn'Sha."

"That bastard." Stephen said grumbling.

"Yes, that's what I thought. Once again life had insisted on punching me in the face. I am just not made for relationships…"

"No, Marcus. Please, don't believe that just because one idiot…"

"No!" Marcus said interrupting the doctor. "You don't understand, Stephen. It's not that easy. I waited so long and… I could die any day. We both could die any day. I wasn't joking earlier. Despite what he has done to me, a part of me is still in love with him and probably always will be."

"Aren't you a bit overly dramatic, Marcus?" Stephen asked cautiously. "I mean okay, he used you and…"

"You still don't get it!" Marcus suddenly yelled, startling Stephen. "He seduced me, coldheartedly, only one night after I told him that I was still a virgin. That I had always waited for the right one. Then he mocked me for it and despite all that I still want him. I will never trust him again, but I still want him."

"He was your first?" Stephen stared taken aback. "Marcus, I'm so sorry…" he started but again he could not finish the sentence.

"Don't be. I don't deserve your sympathy. He was right after all. I WAS incredibly stupid and naïve and now I will pay the price for it. When I thought he was dead, I believed this was over, but obviously, I was wrong. He's still manipulating me."

"How can he do that solely by surviving the Star Wheel?"

"When I thought he was dead Lennier brought me a letter, which Neroon had written. In it he said that he thought he was going to die and that he wanted to apologize for what he did to me. It said that he could understand that I probably would never be able to forgive him, but that I should try for my own sake. That I deserved better than him anyway and that he wished me to be happy."

"You don't believe him?"

Marcus snorted. "Of course not. At least not anymore. When I got it, I mourned his death, because I had seen him changing his ways around Delenn. And now this! Once again he's trying to manipulate me. But I won't allow it. Not this time."

Stephen frowned. "Do you think he planned surviving the Star Wheel?"

"Considering his past? There's nothing he wouldn't do when he thinks he is right about something. And he believes that all… the… bloody… time!"

Stephen chuckled at that accurate assessment. "You may be right with that but… I can't believe I am actually defending him after what he did, but do you know how he survived?"

"Who cares?" Marcus shot back angrily.

"I do, Marcus. He could not have planned this. Not if we believe in what Delenn says and although she has failed to give all needed information on other occasions, I believe she was completely honest this time. He really wanted to sacrifice his life for Delenn. He really thought he was going to die. I don't know if he was honest in his letter to you, but I think he wrote it actually believing he would die."

Marcus looked at him in a cross between anger and surprise."So what should I do, in your opinion?"

"What he asked you to do: forgive him. Not for his sake, but for yours. Clean this mess up by confronting him, so that you can finally get rid of him and move on."

"How am I supposed to do that without attacking him, or breaking?"

"By not locking your friends out. I am here now, I will try to help you get through this. You don't have to do this alone. Please, Marcus, I don't want to see you in so much emotional pain. You deserve much better."

"I cannot promise you anything, but I will try."

"That's all I ask for, Marcus. Now let us finish this whiskey. This shan't go to waste."

…

Neroon groaned when he finally woke from his medicated induced sleep. His head felt dizzy when he tried to open his eyes, so he closed them again to wait until the room stopped spinning. Every bone in his body hurt and his skin felt raw and itchy. Somehow he had expected the afterlife to be less painful.

But perhaps he wasn't going to the stars yet. Perhaps this was that famous world in between Marcus had told him about one day. They had discussed their religious beliefs that day and Marcus had told him about… what did he call it again… ah yes, 'purgatory'. Perhaps this was his own personal 'purgatory' where he had to pay for the sins he had committed on the human before he could move on.

He still didn't know where the change in thinking came from. One day he had wanted revenge for his loss of honor. It would only be fitting that the room where he would need to pay for his sins looked like the place where all this had started. The glimpse he had taken had looked suspiciously like the sickbay of Babylon 5, where he'd only been once before.

It had been there, when he saw something in Marcus' eyes. A flicker of interest, something he had wanted to use for his own good. Never before had he made such a full use of his title as Satai. He had pulled rank on more people than he should have, angering old friends and teachers to get his revenge. The fact that he saw an IdMinbari in Marcus had made it impossible for him to kill him, not after Denn'Sha, but there were other ways to break somebody. He had used every skill he owned to reach that goal.

Only, somewhere along the line, he had changed, at first without even realizing it. He had liked spending time with the human. Despite his scheming against Marcus he had started to appreciate Marcus sharp wit and fighting skills. He had learned of his dreams one night, of the perfect partner and suddenly felt things that scared the hell out of him. He realized that he had been developing feelings for Marcus and he reacted the only way he knew how. By pushing Marcus away. By lashing out with everything he got. By being even more ruthless than in war times.

He fully expected Marcus to fight back, to try and kill him, but Neroon had done quite the job on the human. Neroon would never forget the devastated look on Marcus' face when he learned about what Neroon had done. That very moment he had known that he had broken something important in Marcus that could never be replaced.

Neroon had felt dead himself since that day.

That was why he had decided to give his life for Delenn and, with that, for his people at the Star Wheel, but obviously, this had not been enough to erase the sins he'd committed. So when his own personal human, his soul mate, entered the room in which he was resting, Neroon instantly started apologizing. The phantom looked quite real though and Neroon chocked on the words. The dream image clearly wanted to speak, but Neroon somehow couldn't stop apologizing. Then suddenly everything started to fade and Neroon was welcomed back into blissful darkness.

…

When Neroon woke again he was in such familiar pain that he had the sinking feeling that he wasn't dead after all. It felt like any other injury he'd suffered before and he could also feel IV-lines feeding his veins and he could also hear computers monitoring him.

Then he heard something else, something familiar, that he had only heard once before. His whole body grew tense at the sound and dread filled him. Could he really have survived the Star Wheel after all? Was he really on Babylon 5 and now hearing the odd snoring noise Marcus had explained to him was usual for humans?

But there was more to realize in that moment. Not only was the snoring very loud and appeared directly behind his left ear but there was also a warm and solid body curled around him. Possible because the warrior was resting on his right side as it was his habit. Also a heavy arm was draped over his waist and the person sleeping behind Neroon had pulled the warrior against his chest. Neroon had only slept like that once before.

He nearly choked as Marcus' scent filled his nostrils but then he greedily took a deep breath despite his aching ribs. If this really wasn't a dream, why was Marcus resting behind him like this?

"Marcus?" he finally rasped, heart racing.

The snoring stopped and he felt the body behind him tense too.

"Neroon? You awake?" a still sleepy sounding but painfully familiar voice answered.

"What…?" Neroon tried to turn around and look at the human, but Marcus' hold on him tightened.

"No. Stay put." Marcus commanded then added as explanation "You need to rest on your side or you will slow down the healing process. Stephen wanted to tie you down in this position so that you would not move too much, but I promised I would watch out for you so you didn't pull the stitches."

"Why?" Neroon wondered aloud still in shock but at least trying to relax into Marcus hold. If the human would have wanted to hurt him, to take revenge for what he'd done, he would surely have done so before, right? Or was this as evil a plan as he had plotted once? Would Marcus nurse him back to health so that he could properly break him?

Marcus was silent for so long, that Neroon feared he would not get any answers at all. The silence was agony to him. To be this close to his heart's mate, knowing what he'd done to him was the worst punishment he could think of. But then Marcus finally spoke, "Because I wanted to do what you asked me to in your letter. I came here to talk to you, to confront you again about what you had done to me, so that perhaps, one day I could forgive you."

"But…?" Neroon wondered where this conversation was heading.

"But once again, I don't know what to do. It hurts to see you this damaged, despite all that you did to me. It's very likely I'm doing something terribly stupid again, but I can't help it. I can't give up on what I have believed my whole life. Either it was right after all or it'll kill me in the end. Right now, seeing you like this, I don't care."

"I don't deserve your compassion." Neroon said, meaning every word but knowing Marcus would most certainly not believe that he was honest.

"True." Marcus agreed. "But that doesn't stop me from feeling what I feel right now. Perhaps I am just stupid and naïve like that."

"Marcus, I…" Neroon started but the Ranger interrupted him.

"No. Don't apologize again. You've done so before, and I still don't know what to think about that."

They both lapsed into silence and once Marcus was reassured that Neroon wouldn't turn around and hurt himself further he loosened his grip on the Minbari's hips. He stayed beside him in bed though, still holding onto the Minbari warrior, seemingly relaxed. After a while Neroon wondered if Marcus had gone back to sleep, so he was startled when Marcus spoke again.

"Do you realize how your life will be from now on?"

"I thought myself dead." He admitted slowly, choosing his words carefully "I have not given my live more thought yet."

"The civil war is over, Neroon. Your sacrifice ended it. But only because the Minbari believe you are dead."

Marcus gave Neroon time to digest this information and wasn't surprised with Neroon's final conclusion "I shouldn't have survived."

"Valen himself interfered with your fate, Neroon." Marcus said and felt the warrior tense again in surprise.

"What?"

"Yes. He knew this would happen. He gave instructions for Draal on Epsilon 3 to save you and make it look like you died there. There was another letter addressed to Delenn that explained it. Valen thought that you have already sacrificed enough for your people."

"Why do you know about all this? Why isn't Delenn telling?"

"She will talk to you about it once she is fit enough to do so. Right at the moment she's still suffering from her injuries through the Starwheel, just like you are. She sent me, because she had a new order for me."

"What do you need to do?"

"I am supposed to escort you to the planet where you'll live from now on. You can't go back to Minbar or where other Minbari might find you. Either you'll go with me into exile or you can choose to seek death honorably, now that you are practically an outcast to your people."

"Will you follow that order?"

"I always follow the orders of N'Thil'Zha. I have sworn to do so and I stand by my word."

Neroon sighed "Then I shall seek my death, so that you will be free of your orders and can move on."

Marcus snorted. "I didn't know you were a coward, Neroon."

Like the Ranger expected, that comment resulted in an annoyed growl from the warrior. "I am not a coward. I am doing penance for my sins."

"Seeking death is much easier than living with the consequences of your actions towards me, Neroon. Despite knowing better I started to believe you that you really felt sorry for what you did, but I might have been mistaken after all." Marcus started to pull away and rise, but Neroon's yelp stopped him.

"No!"

"Give me a reason, Neroon. Give me one reason and you won't have to bear the exile alone. I already asked Delenn to set me free of my oaths so that I can accompany you."

"I never wanted to hurt you."

Marcus snorted again, now really angry. "That's a lie, Neroon, and we both know that Minbari aren't supposed to do that. Besides you didn't lie before, did you? Your wording when dealing with me was always very deliberate. You never lied directly, but you always phrased your sentences so I would easily misunderstand them and interpret them in the way you wanted me to. I should have seen through your scheming before, knowing how good Minbari are at manipulating others in this fashion, but somehow my heart was stronger than my brain. Or was it my libido rather than my heart? Who knows…?"

"I… I love you." Neroon tried, the words sounding very strange spoken in standard out of the warriors mouth.

Marcus shook his head, feeling incredibly tired now.

"Perhaps, in a few years, when I have actually forgiven you, I can accept that as truth. I can't now."

"I… damaged myself more by denying myself my heart's mate than I could ever have hurt you."

Marcus didn't answer right away and Neroon's heart raced waiting for Marcus' reaction. Then he felt movement and Marcus took his place behind him again, arm curling protectively around Neroon's hips.

"Our Whitestar leaves as soon as you are healthy enough for transport. I am pretty sure you will like the planet where we are going to live. This race desperately needs brave warriors for their protection against raiders and they are very kind, brave and tolerant. They…"

Neroon fell asleep while listening to the chatter of his heart's mate. He was emotionally and physically exhausted, but for the first time in many months, with Marcus curled around him like this, he could finally truly rest before the remainder of their live together would begin.

…

Endless End

Finished 4th July 2010