Helena and Dinah's Merry Misadventures of Mayhem
I do not own Justice League or Laurel and Hardy. This fic is strictly meant for humor and humor alone. What you'll be reading will consist of silly scenarios, outrageous slapstick comedy, some mild language, and frontal nudity and finally the occasional raunchy humor.
That being said, please enjoy and here is the story
"Well this is another fine mess you've gotten us into, Dinah!" Helena griped, as she and Dinah were both handcuffed to the railings of a soft velvet red bed. Apparently, the two lovely and feisty heroines were currently held hostage in Penguin's mansion. However, neither one noticed the owner of the mansion had left moments before the girls were brought to his estate. And neither one suspected all the guards have fled as well. In summary, the house was theirs for the prolonged time being.
"I know getting into that ice cream truck was a mistake! I couldn't help it." Dinah whined, revealing her young at heart personality. Helena rolled her eyes and reached into her back pocket for a key to unshackle the handcuffs when all of a sudden the cuffs came off by themselves. "well just my luck." Helena muttered, rubbing her wrists. "all right! You see Helena, I told you this would be easy!" Dinah exclaimed cheerfully before yawning as she laid down on the bed and muttered "wake me up when the pizza delivery gets here…"
"Did you notice how quiet it is in here?" Helena mentioned, waiting for a response from Dinah, only to groan, as Dinah was fast asleep, hugging the red pillow while sucking her thumb in her sleep. "look at you Dinah, here we are in this million dollar house and you are just laying there, sleeping like a baby! Isnt that adorable?" Helena spoke, rubbing Dinah's blonde hair before getting up, scooping up Dinah and headed downstairs into the living parlor.
Meanwhile, not far from the Penguin's manor…
"Are we there yet?" Power Girl asked repeatedly as the vein in Batman's head was about to burst. "Karen I told you we'd let you know if we're there, now please either listen to your music or just go back to sleep!" Poison Ivy hissed as the Batmobile jerked a bit as an angry driver sped by, honking loudly.
"Geez, the traffic today seems like a migration!" Catwoman commented before sticking her head out the window and hollering "C'mon you road pigs, move it or lose it!" That drew some wide-eyed stares from some Leaguers and a grunt from Batman no less. "Bats, remind me again why we're doing this? I mean Helena and Dinah are married after all; I'm sure they can take care of themselves." Wonder Woman mentioned.
"I know, I know. God, I hope Penguin hasn't done anything to them." Robin wondered, worried about how well the girls were faring in the manor, unaware that the heroines were in reality having the time of their lives.
Back at the mansion…
"Yeah, so Di and I are like inside the Penguin's mansion, and it is like, soooo extravagant! I mean, this place has casinos, TV rooms, bedrooms, spas, swimming pools, food bars, even an entire collection of Playboy magazines and videos!" Helena chattered on the mobile phone as Dinah slept peacefully on the red sofa, sucking her thumb while sleeping. Helena then hung up and glanced at Dinah to see if she was ok. "That's it pretty birdie, keep sleeping." Helena whispered, patting Dinah on the back before kissing her cheek as she then opened the refrigerator. "hmm, what's in here to eat anyway?" Helena wondered, checking through her choices of food before taking a swig of wine.
"There! We've made it, thank goodness!" Batman exclaimed, panting excitedly as everyone else got out and stretched. "I think my butt feels cramped." Green Arrow moaned, rubbing his sore posterior in pain. "That's because you were seated too close to the heat register." Red Tornado added
"Ok Hippolyta, go in there and check to see if Dinah and Helena are in there, then open the doors so we can kick Penguin's flabby butt from here to Wisconsin!" Nightwing ordered, as the Queen of the Amazons flew inside the house in search of her daughters.
Hippolyta thought she was in a regal ballroom as she was astounded by the architecture and flooring of the estate. "Mmm, this would look elegant for the virgins." Hippolyta said to herself before floating over to the western bedroom wing. "Dinah? Helena? Girls, are you there?" Hippolyta called out, hearing a faint snoring sound from nearby. The Amazon monarch tiptoed into the room and sighed in relief before smiling, as Helena and Dinah were asleep. "Aw, my babies. Safe and sound, thank goodness." Hippolyta said quietly before kissing each of the girls' foreheads. Dinah sleepily opened her left eye. "Mommy?" Dinah sleepily whispered, Hippolyta putting a finger to her lips.
"shhh! Go back to sleep, darling. You need to rest." Hippolyta spoke lovingly, humming a soothing lullaby as she rubbed her blonde hair. A smile formed on Dinah's face as she slowly drifted off to sleep. "That's odd. Penguin says that he's out of town for the whole year and that his entire crew went with him." Green Arrow piped up, handing Batman a note.
"Well, now what do we do?" Supergirl wondered, hoping on what to do next. "Gee, you know, we could stay here, it has been a while since we've had a vacation." Hawkgirl proposed, a few Leaguers agreeing. "Hippolyta just texted me. She found Dinah and Helena; they're both safe." Flash piped up, Batman nodding in affirmation.
"Good. Robin, bring in all our luggage, we're moving in" the Dark Detective ordered, Robin obeying as he rushed out the door. Back in the bedroom, Hippolyta was putting the finishing touches as she gently tucked Helena and Dinah into bed. "There we go, my sleeping angels." Hippolyta spoke lovingly, blowing out one candle before kissing them goodnight. "Goodnight my children. Dream sweetly tonight, my loves." Hippolyta whispered, as she quietly closed the door.
"So, how are they?" Lois asked, as Hippolyta poured herself a cup of coffee
"They're both asleep. Guess they got bored waiting for us." Hippolyta explained as Ivy appeared. "Well I've checked the lawn and the north end of the manor, no sign of Penguin." Ivy piped up.
"So if Penguin ain't here, what are we supposed to do now that we have the whole house to ourselves?" Firefly mused, as he, Killer Croc, Black Mask, and Great White Shark played pool in the lower den
"Well, we're just gonna have to stick with the boss's plan. We take over this joint, lay low for a while, then when Penguin gets back, we go full regalia and we send his flabby fat and lazy ass straight to the slammer!" Black Mask barked, before shooting an eight ball down the hole.
"Yeah, that seems like a good idea. I mean, look at the place! Booze, TV, nudie magazines, slot machines, big vaults o' money, more booze, some weed… and a large nudie bar down the street!" Red Hood piped up
"You think maybe we should visit the liquor store and rack up some beers for the game tonight?" Firefly offered, Croc and Zsasz thinking for a minute before both nodded. "Good, 'cause as long as you're with me, you boys are gonna have to man up a little. Grayson! Jordan! Go with the firebug and Zsasz and show 'em how to purchase stuff like a real hero!" Black Mask ordered
"Oui, Mon capitain." Hal muttered sarcastically as he, Dick, Firefly and Zsasz got into the roadster and drove off.
"Boy, I got to tell you, this food here is terrific! I didn't even know Penguin had all these chips n' dip assortments!" Robin howled with delight as he chowed down on a fudge fondue sundae.
"Don't chug yourself too hard Timmy. As soon as Dinah and Helena wake up, we're ordering out large pizza and we're watching Big Lebowski on the big screen." Linda commented, everyone cheering
"Oh no, not that again… Linda, honey, you dragged me to see that movie a million times!" Wally whined
"and what's the problem with that? I'm a huge Jeff Bridges fan! Sure, he looks kinda old, you know, but he's just absolutely sexy with that beard of his! Oh, it turns me on even more than the time we saw Celine Dion perform in Las Vegas!" Linda gushed, hearts flowing in her eyes
"I'm guessing this is the part where we remove the hooch from Linda before she goes all wacko on us?" Mera deadpanned, Lois scoffing. "I couldn't agree more, redhead." Helena yawned, as she and Dinah strode down the staircase
"So ladies, what do you think of our new digs?" Two-Face asked, lighting his cigar. "It's very classy. It's more of a bachelor/bachelorette pad, but ergo, it's fabulous." Dinah commented, as she took a sip of ginger ale
"Ok then, the pizza's here! Now let's sit down and watch the film! Green Arrow, no badmouthing Jeff Bridges!" Linda hissed
"Aw phooey." Green Arrow groaned, Killer Croc gently nudging him as the film started, ending the perfect night in the JLA's career.
"Helena? Are you touching yourself again?" Dinah asked, as the theater lights dimmedeHe