Okay so here's another one shot from me, I just can't seem to get passed the pain and the heartbreak of this weeks episode. I'm swinging between wanting them to get back together and wanting to kill Finn or Rachel for being blind idiots. This episode has made me realize I'm way to invested in their relationship, I hate RM for putting my heart and my head through the ringer. I can't concentrate on the stories I want to be writing because I have all this rolling around in my head.
As always I own nothing, no copyright infringement intended.
Pain
I feel him watching me, at first I thought it was sweet, that it meant that he still cared, not anymore. I feel the others watching me, some look at me with pity, others are watching waiting for me to do something.
Everyday it's the same, I sit as far away for the others as I can. I don't participate, only when I have to do I stand in the back and sway. The sadness and the anger have taken my voice. Honestly I don't know why I continue to come to glee club, I no longer belong here if I ever did at all.
Santana smirks at me from her seat next to Brittany, making suggestive gestures towards Finn. I just glare at her, slumping further in my seat. Finally the hour is up and I'm the first to leave, thankfully it's Friday.
Standing at my locker at the end of the day I place the books I need for my homework into my book bag, my eyes scan over Finn's name still taped up on the door and I hear his voice from across the hall, he's talking to Santana and Brittany, and I snap. Stuffing everything into my locker I spin on my heal, and before I know it my hand is connecting with her cheek.
"What the hell, Hobbit?" Santana sneers. Finn just stands there looking shocked.
"Shut the fuck up whore." I growl at her.
"What did you call me?"
"I called you a whore, because that's what you are. You'll spread your legs for anyone willing to shell out for a seedy motel room and a cheeseburger. Isn't that right Finn?" I still want to hurt him.
He just stands there, opening and closing his mouth.
Santana lungs at me but Finn steps in between us, forcibly holding her back.
She screams to let her at me, I just ignore her deciding she's not worth it and walk away.
"Rachel!" I hear him call after me a few minutes later as I walk down the street.
"What do you want Finn?"
"I wanna talk to you." he says tiredly.
"Well I don't really want to talk to you. You know what I've realized over the last few weeks, Finn you we're a really crappy boyfriend."
"No Rach, you don't mean that."
"Yes I do." I stop turning to look at him.
"Why was I such a bad boyfriend, you're the one who cheated on me with Puck."
"Well geez I wonder why? Can you really blame me, you sleep with Santana and lie to me about it for a whole year. You check her out every chance you get, you think I never noticed, well news flash Finn I did. You wonder why we never did it, how could I think about doing it with you when I knew you were wishing I were more like her." I can feel the tears stinging my eyes. "You never stood up for me, for us, you let all the cheerio's and the football moron's bully me."
"Rachel come on that's not fair."
"Your right it's not fair, I'm worth more than that."
"I love you Rachel, I never once thought that you should be more like Santana."
"Really, because to use your own words she's super hot."
"I know that's what I said." he says rubbing his eyes. "But it's not what I meant."
"Well then what did you mean? Use your words Finn. You're a big boy." I've lost patience with this conversation.
"I meant to say that while she's hot, you're beautiful. You're talented, and kind, and smart, and caring, you've got so much more going for you than just you're looks. Santana's just a bitch everyone knows that."
I just stare at him, my arms crossed over my chest. "Go on."
"I don't know why I slept with her, I don't even like her. No that's not true I do know why I slept with her. You were with Jesse, and I loved you so much, it physically hurt to see you with him to know you were going to sleep with him. I was hurt and depressed, she offered and I stupidly accepted. It meant nothing, I felt nothing. I should have told you, you should have heard the truth from me. I knew it would hurt you, and that was the last thing I wanted. I'm sorry I kept it from you, I'm sorry you had to find out about it from Santana of all people. I'm sorry that everyone else knew." he's on the verge of tears now.
"I'm sorry I never stood up for you, but you were always so strong. I didn't know you needed me to do it for you. I was scared too, scared that if I got involved that she'd tell you the truth and that you'd break up with me. What you saw as me checking her out, was me trying to figure out how I ever managed to go through with it in the first place. I hate her, I hate her for breaking us up, for coming between us like this. I hate her for making you feel insecure, for making you think you had to kiss Puck to make me jealous. I hate her for stealing my first time, our first time." he's sobbing now, and I realize I am too.
"Do you think you can ever forgive me?" he asks.
"I don't know." I tell him honestly. "What about you, can you ever forgive me kissing Noah?"
"I think I already have. What you did was bad, but it's no worse than what I did to Quinn."
I look at him shocked, he's always held onto her betrayal with Noah, I don't think he ever thought about how kissing me twice was cheating on her. Unconsciously I take a step closer to him.
"In fact my kissing you might be worse, since I know you aren't in love with him."
"Finn..." I try to stop his word vomit.
"No, Rachel I need to get all this out. I need to clear the air, if we have any hope of moving on from this we need to get it all out on the table. I knew kissing you back then was wrong, but I didn't care. I was drawn to you from the start, the more I fought it the more I wanted to be around you. Then Quinn came to me and told me she was pregnant and everything I saw for us was taken away."
"I only started dating Jesse to make you jealous. I saw how the closer we got the more it bothered you, I didn't care. You broke my heart, and I wanted to break yours. I knew he was going to hurt me in the end, that he was just using me. I didn't care, all that mattered was your heart was hurting as much as mine."
He snorts, a bitter laugh crossing his lips. "It worked."
"I know." I place my hands on his chest, looking up at him. "I was upset that you slept with someone who wasn't me. I had this romantic idea in my head we would be each others firsts. I was hung up on the Santana of it all as you put it because she's so mean, she's cruel, she takes so much pleasure in others unhappiness because she has none of her own. She has this ability to get in my head and make me feel worthless. Quinn has or had reasons to hate me, underneath her coldness I know she has a heart. But Santana, I've never done anything to her, she just does it because she can."
"You're wrong Rachel, in hers eyes you have done something wrong. She hates you because I love you and you love me. At least I hope you still love me." he places his hands on my hips and lowers his head to look in my eyes. "She hates you because you have something she never will."
"I do love you, I probably always will."
"But..."
"But, we have problems. We're not very good at communicating, neither one of us has very good self-esteem. If we have any hope of a relationship that works, one that is going to last we need to work on that."
"I know." he sighs.
"Do you want to work on it?"
"More than anything. Not having you in my life is torture. I'm willing to do whatever you want, meetings with Ms. Pillsbury. I'll stand up for you like I should have been doing all along. I'll be the boyfriend you deserve, and most importantly no more lies ever. No matter how much the truth may hurt."
"Good, me too. I miss you Finn." I lean up on my tip toes and press my lips to his.
He tastes like home. As his tongue slips past my lips I moan wrapping my arms around his neck, he pulls me closers.
We've weathered this storm, hopefully we'll come out stronger than ever. He pulls away, takes my hand and leads me home. We spend the weekend talking about everything, catching up on what we've missed in each others lives. We kiss, we do lots of kissing, they feel different than before, they feel more honest.
On Monday I walk into school on his arm, his name securely around my neck. He stands next to me at my locker and I see the look on Santana's face and smile when he kisses me passionately for all the world to see. When Karofsky tires to bully me, he slams him into a locker telling him to grow up.
Quinn smiles warmly at us from where she sit's cuddled into Sam's side in glee. Finn leans over and whispers that he loves me into my ear while Mr. Schue goes on about this weeks assignment, I giggle and blush. I hear Santana comment about him being so much less attractive now that he's back with me, not caring if we'll get in trouble I turn my head and press my lips to his. I show Santana just how much her comment doesn't bother me. I find my voice again, no one is looking at me with pity anymore, I'm right where I belong.