It's a hard life for me, having to be so funny all the time.
Especially those times when I am being completely serious, and nobody believes me. Just the other day, when Dick, Roger, Dodger and I were playing cards I said something everyone thought was hilarious when I hadn't tried to be funny at all. I am very disappointed to say though, that they laughed more then than they do when I tell an actual joke.
Ok, so here's what happened. Dodger was winning – as usual – and most of us had hardly anything left to bet with, so then I said, "I'm sick of him winning, lets cut off his arms"
They though it was hilarious.
"No," I said, "I was being serious" That made them laugh even harder. Perhaps it was because they thought I was joking again, or maybe it was because they imagined me being serious, who knows?
Anyway, Dodger and I are out on the job with Dick. You see, Dicks been begging us for ages to go out on the job with us, so we finally let him. Dodger thinks that Dicks trying to steal his spot though.
I asked what spot, I could see none on him, so, I reasoned, it must have already been stolen.
Dodger hit me.
I stood on his coat tails and he feel over.
Dick came back over to us after successfully pick pocketing some gentleman and showed us the pocket book he had found.
I heard Dodger grumble under his breath as he brushed dirt off his coat.
"So," said Dick, looking at Dodger, "Nancy, eh?"
Dodger hardly paused and had about him the airs of… what's the word? The one that mean not caring? Yeah, moving on…
"Why'd yer bring 'er up Dick?" I asked grabbing an apple from a nearby stall.
"Oh… I just saw the way Dodger was lookin at 'er last night. All dreamy eyed an – "
"Yer off yer rocker," cut in Dodger, "She's wif Sikes."
"Yeah, yeah." said Dick with a knowing smile. I really felt like hitting him then. How dare he make fun of my friend like that? But if I did hit him, then he would know he was on the mark. So we just kept walking, Dodger pick pocketing as he went. I didn't get to do much, because I was walking in the middle, and unless we did a whole switcharoo thingamajig I couldn't get near a person. Plus, if Dodger had Dick next to him, god knows what he would do.
"I 'eard the other day" began Dick after a sideways glance at us, "That…"
I stopped listening, Dick seemed to hear a lot of things, and tell a lot of things, and for that reason I didn't believe a thing that came out of his mouth, because who would tell anything to someone like that?
Then I heard my name, and I was suddenly all ears. But it seems he had finished rabbiting on.
"Wha'?" I asked.
"That's what I said, I mean, can you Adam and Eve it?"
I looked over a Dodger to try and get a clue as to what had been said, but Dodger seemed to have had the same idea as me, and looked as if he was still tuned out.
So I nudged him, and as was his reflex, he punched me.
In the face.
Hard.
And I fell flat on my back.
Not my idea of a good time, that's for sure.
But then the most amazing thing happened.
An angel came down from heaven and helped me back up.
I kid you not.
Actually, I kid you some.
It wasn't an angel.
It was just a girl.
But not a street girl, she was the sort that we would normally pick pocket.
Then she was ushered away by her guardian or something and I was back to reality.
"Why din' you pick pocket 'er? It was the perfect chance!" hissed Dodger in my ear.
"I think she stole from me." I said, sighing.
"Wha?" said Dodger, "Oh god, don't go gettin all soppy on me an saying she stole your 'eart coz I wont stan' 'ere and listen."
"No," I said, patting my pockets, "I really think she stole off me."
"Why would a girl like 'erself wan' with wot you carry, eh?" Said Dick.
"I dunno." I said in an awed voice, "but I fink she just did steal me – "
"Lets go" said Dodger, turning on his heel.
"Wipe!" I yelled after them, "I was going to say wipe!"
"Yer, wot eva, lets git back to Fagins anywho." Dodger said, giving me his knowing look.
Well, I'm screwed.
"But, you know what Charley" Dodger said to me as we climbed the apples and pears, "At least I know yer aint a canary now" and he roared with laughter.
For all you people who don't speak Cockney, you probably wont understand some of the things I've said in here without really thinking about it, so here's a quick rundown of some of the words and phrases;
Rabbiting (rabbit and pork): Talk
Adam and Eve: Believe
Apples and pears: Stairs
Canary: Fairy (gay)