If Jacob wasn't there to save Bella after she went cliff diving, and the aftermath...
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These are not meant to be thoughts, nor feelings - an emptiness in between, if you will. Simple awareness, knowingness, and nothing else.
Please review.
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1/1
Although the salt water was filling my body with agonizing pain that blinded both my eyes and my consciousness, I was acutely aware of the darkness that began to surround me and the decelerating, slowly stopping sound of my heart.
The howls of anger coming from somewhere, from the angel's lips slowly began to fade, and I felt a greater pain rip through me than the stabbing, tearing, soul crushing pressure in my chest as I felt my last breaths escape me and a low thud signify the final beats of my worn heart.
And then, all I could see, touch, hear, and feel was darkness. It was a thick, black wool blanket covering me and all of my senses - it was noiseless, whereas the hollowness that surrounded me should have forced a splintering, echoing sound with every movement I made, there was nothing.
I waved my hands around - or at least I thought I did. I had body awareness - I could definitely feel my toes and fingers and arms, but they in turn felt nothing. There was no heat nor cold, no breeze of movement brushing against my skin, no texture of floor under my feet, which I assumed were bare.
It was truly nothingness.
I continued to grasp into the blank, confusing infinity, desperately searching for something to hold on to, to steady myself and give me some semblance of reason, of purpose. I was yearningly exhausted, and all I wanted was to find a place to sit, to rest and gratefully allow this torturing darkness to engulf me. My arms moved faster.
I was shocked to feel a pair of familiar hands hold both of mine tightly as I stopped all motion. I was not surprised to find him here. I was surprised that the cold, marble hard hands I had known in my lifetime were now warm, soft and wonderful beyond measure. I squeezed as tightly as I could, as though they were my lifeline - but I knew it was too late for that now.
"Bella," the still dark, shapeless Edward murmured. His voice was so much sweeter, so much divine than I had ever known it to be. It cascaded through me, and I expected my heart to race at the glorious sound. It did not.
I tried to pull him to me, to use his hands as an anchor and bring myself into the circle of his arms, but he did not budge. I could not move forward, either. I did not know how to walk in this abyss, in which direction of the blackness I should stumble forward into. I was desperate to see him, just one last time before I, too, became nothingness. An aching I had never known before erupted in my soul, a forlorn panic that was so biting, so excruciating that my surroundings, or lack thereof, became utterly inessential. All I needed was a moment - just one moment - where I could look into his eyes and appreciate the love that he had given me in our short time together, the only true happiness I had ever known, and then I would know what to do.
At last, at long last, my wish was granted. The black covering immediately surrounding him faded very slowly, finally illuminating the angel that stood before me, still holding my hands tightly. His skin was perfect, smooth and peach colored. His eyes were emerald green.
"Bella," he said again, his rosy lips curled into an adoring smile. I had direction, now, intent, aim and purpose. I knew how to move, how to feel, how to exist in this empty space. I managed to launch myself forward and wrap my arms around his delicate, fine body. The circle of his arms protected me from all fear, all worry and indecision, all unknowingness was gone and forgotten.
"Bella," he said one last time, and we were no longer embracing. He was behind me and his gentle, soft hands were holding my shoulders, steadying me, although there was no sense of balance that I needed anymore. "Walk, Bella."
A rupturing, burning feeling slivered into my core - I did not want to face the unknown, I did not want to let myself fall into this dark forever without him. I did not want to face eternity without him holding my hand. I looked over my shoulder, to see his smiling, brilliant face just next to mine.
"I'll be right behind you," he assured me. I trusted him inherently. There was no reason not to anymore, and he spoke ever so softly again, "I love you." He smiled vividly, his expression reassuring and exquisite.
I tried to take a breath, but could not. I looked straight forward again, still unseeing of any particular direction, space, or mass in the infinity surrounding me. He was the only thing tangible.
I willed my legs to make one tiny step forward, and I felt his hands slide off of my shoulders. I glanced back, and he was already far away, far beyond my reach, almost too far to see.
"I'll be right behind you," his velveteen voice reassured me, so perfect and clear that he could have been standing next to me. I ached, but continued on alone, the darkness still deep, unwaning, and unforgiving. My steps were utterly silent, and I glided forward, no particular instruction or way counseling me. I went on forever - a neverending amount of time, unmeasured and breakable and not understood. It was a fragile silence, as though a sharp whistle would crack through and shatter all that immersed me, ending my existence as well. I still went on, walking aimlessly, purposeless.
I made no reaction as I felt his hand grasp mine again, for he was now walking beside me. We were together in this strangeness, in this terrifying forever, timeless and nameless and obscured from our comprehension. He was here with me now, more resolutely than before, and I knew immediately that he had left the earth, as I had.
I could see him just as clearly as before, beautiful and ethereal in his mere presence. I looked up into his bright green eyes, happy and alive despite our intangible being, as we moved on, hand in hand, into the shadows.
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Fin.