Title: Friggin Octospy
Category: Games » Team Fortress 2
Language: English, Rating: Fiction Rated: T
Genre: Humor, General
Disclaimer: Team Fortess 2 belongs to the utterly fabulous Valve, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
N: I... Just... Yeah. I thought of this because of a picture posted in a thread on Adult Fanart. Someone said "octospy" instead of "tentaspy," and it was eventually followed by a picture of an octopus with an MS Paint'd balaclava and cigarette. I lol'd really hard.
When Scout first arrives at the BLU base, he doesn't exactly get a great welcome — the team barely acknowledges him even though he's the first Scout they've ever had, and only a few hours after he's there, the REDs come out of nowhere, guns blazing. Scout gets backstabbed twice before he sets into the groove of things, but once he does, he's running just as fast as the day he made it as captain of the track team. BLU Pyro finds Scout just outside the RED base, and together they make it to the Intelligence Room, leaving a mess of bonked and charred enemies behind them.
BLU Spy is already there, along with a freshly killed RED Engineer, and he thrusts the briefcase at Scout. Scout turns back immediately and runs back to the base; he learned a long time ago that gloating when no one's around but your own team is not only fucking ridiculous, but a waste of precious time. He runs back to the BLU base faster than Pyro, with his stubby legs, can keep up, and nearly gets shot in the arm for his trouble, but BLU Sniper's got his back from wherever the Hell he's hiding.
BLU wins that night, and Scout's new team warms up to him considerably. So much so, in fact, that after the boring debriefing (which Scout power-napped through half of), everyone sticks around to talk to him. Pyro's sitting on Scout's right, nudging his arm every now and then. It can be hard to tell what the guy is saying, but he seems nice enough; besides, Scout's sure he saw Pyro air-guitaring with his ax after he killed a RED Soldier, and that's just badass.
Scout's just getting ready to suave his way out of a conversation with Engineer about school (because he's pretty sure that a guy with eleven PhDs isn't exactly going to feel sympathetic toward some kid who dropped out of high school, even if Scout had a damn good reason) when Spy interrupts, eyebrow quirked and a sort of greasy smirk on his face. Engineer frowns, and Pyro leans toward Scout to mumble something while gesturing between the two of them. Goddamn if Scout knows what Pyro said, but he can tell by himself that Spy and Engineer don't like each other.
When Spy leans forward, everyone gets a little quieter, save for Demoman who's snoring in the corner. "So, Scout," Spy says, and holy crap his accent is funny, "you would like to know more about ze REDs, non?"
"The Hell is there to know?" Scout asks. "You bonk 'em in the head, maybe shoot 'em or some crap, blood comes out and you're done."
A chuckle goes around the room, and Pyro's laugh looks like it's freaking Spy out, which is pretty fucking great in Scout's opinion; Spy creeps him the fuck out, so it's only fair that somebody should give the spook the willies.
"Ah, yes, indeed," Spy says, that smirk coming back to his face once the laughter dies down, "but zat eez not all zat zere eez to know. For eggzample... you 'ave not 'eard about zee monster in ze sewers, 'ave you?"
Scout laughs, but after a second he realizes he's the only one. He looks around; even Engineer's face is straight. "Aw, come on," Scout groans, "are you people being serious right here?"
"Completely," Spy says, puffing on his cigarette. "Zere eez a monster in ze sewers, and to make zings worse, eet eez an ally of ze REDs."
Scout glares at Spy, crossing his arms and leaning back. He hasn't believed shitty stories like this since he was six; there's something to be said about growing up with so many older brothers and a, um, "free-spirited" type of mom.
"I can tell zat you do not believe me," Spy says, looking amused, "but I assure you, zere is somezing awful down zere. Our Sniper has seen eet — 'aven't you, Monsieur?"
"Sure Oi 'ave," the Sniper says. It's the first thing Scout's heard him say, and holy shit, this guy's accent is just as ridiculous as Spy's, what the fuck. "Bloody wankah was creepin' owt o' the sewers one noight. Got these blood red tentacles, even. Shot one of 'em; bastard crawled roight back in."
Scout rolls his eyes. "Whatever, like I'm supposed to believe this crap."
"Ah, but eet eez true. Beneath us at zis very moment is an 'orrible creature, wiz dozens of appendages... Zey reach out of ze darkness, grasping for somezing to 'old, to break wiz zeir awesome strength. Eet eez a tormented being, a lab experiment gone terribly wrong, but not somezing to give 'ugs and understanding, as I am sure someone of your jeneration might desire."
Scout glowers. Just because some other people believe in all that flower shit, doesn't mean he wants to go around hugging and kissing people like some sort of idiot.
"Razzer," Spy continues, "eet eez somezing to be pitied from afar, and to be killed at ze first chance one 'as — before, mon ami, eet can kill you."
"Yeah, okay, that sounds like a whopping load of bullshit."
"Oh, I am sure you will regret zis disbelief soon enough," Spy says, finishing his cigarette as he straightens up to leave. "For now, zough, bonne nuit." He disappears with the shimmer of his cloaking device, and Scout scratches his jaw.
"Fucking creeper." He stands and stretches his arms over his head, yawning. "G'night, losers, and thanks for the ghost story. It was so scary."
A couple of weeks pass by with the same old thing happening: Wake up, take a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, kill REDs, talk, go to bed. Scout becomes better friends with Pyro, and they make a damn good team, bonking and flaming like there's no tomorrow. He also never sees a trace of any "'orrible cree-chairs," which just seems to prove that Spy is full of shit and that everyone else was trying to scare him.
That is, until one day, when it's raining hard and the BLUs are planning a surprise attack. They've been getting their asses kicked lately, and they've got to show those REDs who's boss before shit gets out of control.
Scout doesn't like the plan too much, for two reasons: It calls for him trying to be stealthy, which he knows he fucking can't — doesn't have the patience. It also pulls him and Pyro apart, and Scout ain't no queer, but Pyro is his best friend. They always stick together on the field. It'll be weird.
Medic wants everyone to go with it, though, and Scout's not going to object. Medic's a good guy, and anyway, Scout's seen him tear a motherfucker apart with that crazy saw thing. Plus, his German accent is really intimidating... so Pyro and Scout bump fists before the fighting starts.
"Don't get killed, you mumbly douchebag," Scout says more gruffly than he really needs to.
Pyro gets it, and mumbles something back to Scout that he takes to mean, "Yeah, I could say the same thing." Scout's last thought before the battle begins is that he's getting a lot better at translating those mumbles.
The Announcer yells at them to go, Go, GO! Scout runs out on the path that was outlined for him, grimacing when he sees mud up ahead. "Goddamnit, this better not screw up my shoes," he complains as his foot squelches into the wet dirt. Most people have a lot of trouble running through the mud, but Scout just reminds himself of all the five a.m. drills he did for track, and this suddenly seems like nothing.
Scout gets a little too confident, though, and he has to fling himself sideways to avoid some sticky bombs; they were too covered in mud for him to see. He curses to himself when he hears footsteps rounding the corner. He can tell from the rhythm that it's probably the RED Soldier, and Scout knows from his own team's batshit crazy Soldier that this guy will have no problem beating the crap out of him in the mud with a shovel.
So Scout decides on self-preservation, and hides himself in the sewers. When he concentrates hard enough, the sound of the rain sort of fades into the background, and all he can hear is himself breathing and the enemy Soldier's footsteps. Scout has to tell himself not to leap out and bonk the fucker in the head when the RED Soldier comes into view, but it's hard to reign himself in when all that adrenaline's rushing through him.
The Soldier looks around like a rabid dog then charges away in some direction, and Scout's just about to run back out when he feels something on his neck.
It's thin.
It's... slippery.
It's got these weird ass pad things on it.
Scout may not have graduated from high school, but even he can figure out that there's a goddamn tentacle on his neck.
Pyro feels relieved when the battle is over. Rain makes him uncomfortable, and being apart from Scout worried him. He's grown really close to the kid since he arrived, and he knows that on the route Scout took, the only person who could really watch his back would be Sniper, whose attention got monopolized by the RED Heavy and Medic tonight.
Pyro starts to worry again, however, when he notices that Scout is nowhere to be found. Usually, he's already asking Engineer about where he put his sentries and dispensers, or reminding Spy that he's a creepy bastard, or telling anyone who will listen about how well he did in the battle. He knows that the Respawn would take care of Scout if he died — it's never failed them yet — but...
Pyro pulls Demo aside. The Scottish explosives expert is the only one who understands Pyro's muffled speech, though Scout seems to be learning a bit. "Have you seen the kid?" Pyro asks.
"No, I dinnae see 'im at all since the battle started," Demo says, shaking his head. He pats Pyro on the shoulder. "Don' worry aboot it, 'e's probably fine." Demo walks off, presumably to go find himself some alcohol; he's always thirsty after a fight.
Pyro wrings his hands together, the squeak of his rubber gloves only increasing his anxiety, and he's about to go back outside when he hears Scout shouting from somewhere behind him. Pyro relaxes, and turns around to greet his friend and see what the commotion's about this time.
"'Ey, ya fuckin' Spook!" Scout yells again, his heavy Bostonian accent reminding Pyro of his old boss. "This the monstah you were talkin' about?" He's holding up a tiny red... thing; Pyro can't see it clearly from here, not with his mask on, at least.
He walks closer, and Scout meets him halfway, smirking. "Yo, Mumbles, check it out," he says excitedly, "it's the frickin' Creature o' the Deep ovah here!" He lifts the thing closer to Pyro's eyes, and Pyro laughs. Hard.
"That's the "monster beneath the bases"? Oh my God, this is priceless," Pyro says, clutching his sides. He thinks his laughter made what he said more difficult for Scout to understand, but the kid gets the gist of it, cracking up with Pyro even as he holds the thing gently in his arms.
It's about the size of Pyro's head, and it's pale red. It's also wearing a red Spy mask, under which it's glaring at nothing in particular. Pyro notices a soggy cigarette tucked over Scout's ear, and assumes the creature was holding it between what appears to be a very misplaced mouth.
Spy remains where he is, puffing away at a cigarette and staring at the abomination. Finally, he walks forward and leans down a bit to look it in the eye. A wet tentacle slaps his cheek lightly, and he frowns. "Zis is not what I was led to believe."
"Yeah, I'm sure," Scout says. "Thing ain't even scary, man."
"It's kind of cute," Pyro says, and Scout glances at him sideways. Pyro shrugs, because it is cute, in a weird, slightly disturbing fashion.
"Put zis zing back wherever you found eet," Spy says, looking away when the thing sends him a scandalized glance.
"Naw, I think I wanna keep it," Scout says, patting the large, round head of the creature. "Whaddaya think we should call it, man?" he asks Pyro, ignoring Spy's disgusted expression.
Pyro rubs the chin of his mask for a moment. "Hmm... Octospy?"
Scout grins toothily. "Aw yeah, that's perfect." He starts walking down the hallway, brushing past Sniper, who looks extremely disconcerted. "C'mon, Pyro man, let's go feed this thing."
Pyro follows Scout, an unseen grin on his face.
Later that night, when the moon is at its highest and the bases are restful, Tentaspy smirks from his lair in the depths of the sewers, his blue outfit blending well with the shadows in the tunnels.
"Just as planned."
N: Honestly, Tentaspy's little keikaku doori shit was where I'd originally intended to cut this story off, but then Anon asked for more... so I pulled the rest outta my ass. And I need to update past part 4 soon because I've just let this one sit for way, way too long.
Kind of like everything else I do.