He really should have thought it through. This all could have been avoided if he'd just been more careful, maybe claimed he was body shy or something. But the last few weeks of journeying had been especially taxing, and when the company finally came across a gentle section of river, Bilbo simply couldn't wait to get clean.
He shucked his clothes and waded determinedly into the frigid water. The dwarves quickly followed suit, and Bilbo smirked a bit to himself when Ori squeaked at the chill. The rest of the dwarves were probably just better at the whole stoic silence thing, Bilbo thought as he scrubbed away the dirt. Hardened warriors likely weren't allowed to yelp when cold water lapped at their more delicate bits. Bilbo held in a snort at the mental picture of Dwalin doing just that.
"Well now, what's this?"
Startled out of his musings, Bilbo looked up to see Bofur grinning at him, bafflingly still wearing his hat. Bilbo raised his eyebrows slightly and opened his mouth. Then he froze when he saw where Bofur was looking.
"I thought you said you'd never seen battle, Master Baggins!" Bofur continued loudly, drawing curious looks from the other dwarves. "And here you're sporting some lovely battle scars!"
"Erm, no – " Bilbo attempted, instinctively bringing his arms closer to himself.
"Battle scars?"
At Kili's eager voice, Bilbo's heart sank. There was no way out of this now. He tried to casually cross his arms, wishing he'd waded in deeper than his waist.
Kili sloshed over, splashing water into several dwarves' faces on his way. "Where? What from? Was there an orc attack in the Shire?" He ran his eyes over Bilbo, obviously excited at the prospect of a heroic story.
Bilbo's eyes darted around, hoping for help—or an escape route—only to find the company drifting closer with mild curiosity. Though not particularly embarrassed by their gazes searching his naked torso, given the circumstances Bilbo wanted to be anywhere but at the center of attention. He took a step back, looking from Fili's raised eyebrows to Nori's keenly assessing eyes.
"Um – "
"Did I hear something about battle scars? On our Master Baggins?" Balin asked.
"Not, ah – "
"What's this, then?" Oin grumped, having left his ear horn on the riverbank. "What's going on?"
Kili, trying to subtly eye the underwater parts of Bilbo, exclaimed: "Bilbo's been in a great battle!"
Bofur nodded enthusiastically, looking proud of his wee friend.
But Bilbo continued to inch back from the growing crowd before him, arms still hugging his chest. "It – no, I really – "
"Leave him be, you meddlesome rabble!" Thorin's voice rang out with annoyed authority. Bilbo could have kissed him. (He made a mental note to revisit that urge later, because what.) But then, of course, Thorin continued talking. "The closest thing to a battle our burglar has seen is likely a brawl between cats in the yard," Thorin sniped. Unnecessarily dismissive, as usual.
Still, Bilbo let out a breath when the dwarves reluctantly wandered away again. He ignored the pouting glances Kili kept throwing over his shoulder. Bofur cast a confused look his way, but Bilbo refused to meet his eyes. Instead he turned his back and resumed his bath with doubled efforts. Suddenly he couldn't wait to get back into his grimy clothes.