It's A Habit, a degrassi fanfic

Hello y'all….so my Eclare heart is a bit sad and I came up with a one-shot, so I decided to post it! A couple important details though, so you don't get lost.

This is set in the time of Spring when Eli will graduate and Clare will be a senior. And Imogen and Jake exist but they don't "romantically" for Clare and Eli in this story. I hope that makes sense. But other than that enjoy my newest one-shot!

Warnings: Language. I also apologize for not doing warnings, I am going to try and start.

Eli's POV

I walked down the halls of Degrassi High School, looking around and everything, and everyone. I couldn't believe that I was just a few weeks away from graduating, then going to university and writing until I had no more words to utter. As you could have guessed I am majoring in English. Big shocker there, huh?

When I arrived at our school board, I looked at all of the papers, looking for a particular one. For some reason Degrassi didn't have enough money to do prom, so we are having a car wash to hopefully raise enough. And when Fiona told me this she also added, "If they can't afford it, Fiona Coyne sure can!". I smirked at the memory.

My eyes finally found the car wash sign up and I noticed that there were only seven volunteers so far, and the car wash started today after school. I searched for a pen in my bag, not that I am one for the whole prom thing, but a lot of others like it, and I think it would be nice to help out, especially since there are only seven people doing so right now.

When I finally found a pen in the back pocket I raised my eyes and hand to write my name. And not to my surprise my eyes landed on a name…the last name who had volunteered.

Clare Edwards.

Even if the name had said Adam Torres I would have known Clare had written it. Her very readable, beautiful hand writing always impressed me, from day one. Not that kids do it a lot nowadays. Everyone has to use computers and type the essays we are assigned to do. Whatever happened to the rule 'no print writing'? And if you don't know what that is…well, my point exactly.

After staring at the name for a while, I finally wrote mine in the space below. I sighed when I was finished and fled the board in a matter of seconds. It isn't that Clare and I aren't doing okay after everything that has happened between us, it has been over a year now, and we are kind of friends, I guess.

Nothing like it used to be though, which kills me. And I don't mean when we were romantically involved, I mean even before that, when we were best friends…just us and Adam. Best days of my life, it also helped that we flirted all the time. That is what truly made our friendship so special, and what made Adam so sick of us.

It was always nice on days like this to just stop and think back on the good days between us. I really couldn't tell you what is worse, our awkward glances and few sentences to each other here and there, or when we didn't speak at all right after our break-up. It honestly was hell, but I wasn't about to say anything. Just then I ran into someone, I guess practically running away from a silly pieceof paper wasn't the best idea.

When I looked up…speak of the girl I was just talking about. "I'm sorry, E-e…um." She stated. Now you can see what I mean, so damn awkward. I smirked at her gently, and also in a friendly way. The last thing I need is for her to think I am a psycho. She along everyone else thinks I am crazy already, so…

"It's fine. I'll see you sometime." I then walked away, but I could feel her eyes. They were following me, those beautiful eyes that I fell head over heels for were still probably worried with every step I took. Maybe she was worried that I would ruin somebody else from the inside out. Whatever it was, you could tell she wasn't the same.

She wasn't the same Clare Edwards that I met, just like I am not the same Eli Goldsworthy that she fell for. Sure, I'm not the scary, crazy, un-medicated Eli, but I sure as hell am not the person that ran over her glasses on my first day here either.

I guess in a way we both changed each other. For the better? I don't know, honestly, and I doubt she does either. Well, I must say with confidence that if what happened to us didn't, let's just say I don't know if I wouldn't be the scary, crazy, un-medicated Eli. But I wouldn't have found out so violently either.

I sighed again, probably the one hundredth time today. I decided that Clare Edwards didn't need to be in my brain right now. And I was happily surprised that it was easier today to get her out of my thoughts. I decided that if I should bump into her later today at the car wash that I'll be polite but brief. I do only have a few more weeks of her anyway, so I might as well stop talking a lot.

Not like we do anyway.

I went into my final class of the day, which was Calculus. I wasn't very fond of this class, but I had it with Fi, so that made it alright. "Why the long face today? Not excited for washing some cars today?" I smiled at her comment. That is what I like about her, she can make me laugh but there are really no getting too attached with her. And she was lesbian so I never had to worry about developing feelings that ruins every friendship.

"Nah, I am just tired. Almost had a break down earlier, and bumped into Clare. Believe me, washing cars one of the best things that will happen to me today." She frowned at my words and touched my hand gently like she did when I was a little bit a mess. It calmed me down strange enough.

"It'll be okay. I'm here. And what do you say you come over for a sleep over at my condo tonight? It'd be so much fun. Eat until we throw up, drink soda" she winked at me, "and watch horror movies! Oh, please say yes!"

She was basically begging me, and it isn't like we haven't done this before. This year Fiona and I got even closer and I really truly felt like she was my best friend now. Not like Adam is-or even how Clare was. But how I need a best friend to be. Which makes us perfect! "Sounds great. I'll of course have to call the parental, but I'm sure they'll say yes. The y love you!"

"Of course they do! Who doesn't?" I laughed quietly at her comment, such A Fiona Coyne comment. After that I tried to focus more on the class but it was actually difficult, especially when Clare started to flood my thoughts yet again. I wondered sometimes if there would ever be a day where I didn't think about her.

It isn't like I am dying to have her be mine again, or even am in love with her still. But she was still a very special and important person in my life, and still is. So, I still care about her, I just never understood why she always has to invade my thoughts.

She drives me crazy and we hardly ever speak. Maybe, it is a good thing that becoming friends again hasn't been too successful. I started to tap my pencil on my desk, not realizing that everyone in class was staring at me. "Mr. Goldsworthy, why don't you go outside for a little second?"

My teacher suggested, all of my teachers knew about my disease, and most students did too. So when I was starting to feel anxious and it was evident I was always allowed to step out and take a breather. I gave a curt nod and smiled at her before leaving the classroom.

Soon enough I was feeling much better and returned to my seat. There was only five minutes left of class, and I felt guilty, but when she-my teacher- walked toward my desk handing a piece of paper to me she whispered,

"I'm proud of how far you have come with this, in this year. You have had a few freak outs/anxious times in my class and each time you come back in quicker than the last." She smiled warmly at me before concluding the class for the day.

I was glad that the day of school was over, and that if I could just get through this car wash, I could have a relax, non-stressful weekend with my friend. She winked at me and mouthed 'later'. She always got excited about these little sleepovers because I know she can get awfully lonely. I knew better than anyone what it feels like to feel as if you have no one.

It has been an hour since this car wash started and not one single person has come to us. To me, that wasn't that much of a shocker. Fiona on the other hand was flipping out. "Why hasn't anyone come yet? Prom isn't going to happen!" I looked over at her with a funny face as she started waving that ridiculous sign faster and more sexy like.

"Aren't you the one who said that if Degrassi couldn't afford it you'd pay?" She stopped twirling the useless sign and turned toward me. "Yes, Eli, but I mean-it shouldn't be my job, and-um, let's see." It became clear to me then.

"And Simpson said no to your proposal?" Her face showed defeat and sadness. I felt bad for her, the last prom wasn't exactly successful, if ya' know what I mean. And I know that she wants herself and everyone to just have a good time.

I placed a hand on her shoulder and she averted her eyes from the ground to mine. "Fi, people will come, and everything will turn out great. Just wait and see." Just then two cars pulled in and paid me. Since I was the one collecting the money.

I directed them to the few washers we had. It was pretty sad, only twelve people ended up coming and helping. I looked back and saw them all hard at work already. They were also very quick, which was nice considering the number of people we had.

The blue eyed auburn curly haired girl caught my eyes, of course. But I immediately turned away when she looked up. When I looked back up I saw Clare walking toward me. Oh, dammit. Um, why is she-I don't know. Just then I felt someone behind me. I jumped and let out a soft scream. But when I looked back I saw it was Fiona giving me a funny look.

"Hey Eli, Fiona. That guy just gave me a forty dollar tip…and his phone number," she shuddered, "anyway, I want to donate my tip to the fund." She said with a soft smile. She extended her hand out to me so that I would grab the money from her hand.

But I didn't, I grabbed the little piece of paper instead, the one that contained the pone number. I walked away from the table ripping the paper into tiny pieces. I saw Fiona take the money from Clare then both look at me in that way. The way that says, 'I hope he is okay.' Probably doesn't shock you that I get that look a lot.

2 Hours Later

Now we had washed tons and tons of cars and have about twenty-five students helping out. It was nice, for once, to see Degrassi community working together. And I was proud to keep track of the money and know that we had well enough money for prom. It made me proud to be a part of something so great.

"Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!" I heard a voice squeal, and I would know that voice anywhere. I ran straight towards her. "Clare, what happened?" Fiona asked, who ran over as well."A lot of soap got into my eyes, I can't really open them they burn so much, I need to rinse them out, but I need help.

Some guy that I didn't know well said that he could help, but I wasn't about to have anyone help my Clare like that, Especially when she can't even see! Oh…I just called her mine. I guess it is just habit. I shrugged it off. But then a little voice whispered,

"A habit from her not being yours for a little over a year?"

The guy was walking toward her but I pushed him away, telling him that I got this. "Come on, Clare, let me help you." I said gently as I placed a hand on her back and grabbed on of her hands with my free one and led her up the front steps of Degrassi. Once we had successfully got into Degrassi and by the man and woman bathrooms, I realized something…which one?

I decided on the ladies. I told Clare that that is where we were going. I put her hands in front of her so that she could feel her way to the sink, I told her to try and sit up on it while I made sure no one was in there. When I realized we were the only two in here I went back to Clare. I saw that she was on the floor.

I couldn't help but chuckle. "Shut up!" She said playfully while getting up and dusting herself off. "What did you do?" I asked with a laugh. She pouted a bit before crossing her arms and replying, "I slipped."

It was cute because her getting defensive with her eyes closed just wasn't as effective. I just laughed more. "Help me!" She whined but then continued, "My eyes really hurt." Of course after that I stopped laughing and was in front of her in a second. "Don't get scared." I whispered to her before placing my hands on her hips.

She gasped at the contact, and I must say, it was awkward but it felt right and familiar. I gently placed her on top of the counter, so that she wouldn't fall off. I lingered my hands there for a moment longer then I should have, but I just couldn't help myself.

Maybe, I was lying to myself all this time.

Maybe, maybe….I do still love her.

I shook the stupid thought out of my head and went back to my task at hand. I went to get a paper towel and drenched it with water before squeezing the excess water out. I looked at her and she looked absolutely beautiful. Her feet were dangling off of the edge, and she actually had a very small smile on her lips. Her eyes were closed, and I must say I kind of liked it.

It gave me an opportunity to stare.

Once I was ready I told her to be patient and as still as she could, I also warned her about how cold the water would feel. That didn't make her squeal any less from it when I placed it over her eyelids. I smirked a bit. "Clare, stay still, stop squirming like a mad woman!" She giggled a bit and grabbed onto the front of my shirt and pulled gently.

That was something she used to do when we were dating. She knew that it always made me stop making fun of her or stop arguing a stupid argument. In that moment I realized how much I missed this, us. I also realized that my worst fear was true.

I was still in love with her. Every little bit of her. And it brought tears to my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. So I blinked furiously and they eventually went away. It was then that I realized Clare's tiny fingers were still surrounded by the fabric of my shirt. She hadn't let go. And when I looked at her lips now, they had an even bigger smile.

I continued to work on her eyes, and I was terrified to come to the realization that I had to have her open her eyes. "Okay, Clare, I need you to open your eyes, can you? Or does it hurt too much?" Just then I was greeted with those beautiful big ocean clear blue eyes. And the words I love you were the only ones floating in my mind.

I smiled at her and she returned the gesture. I gently cleaned out her eyes, it was getting harder and harder to be by her, this closely with her hands still wound with my shirt. But, I wasn't about to let this moment go by. So, I stepped closer to her, and pretended I did it so that I could see better.

I mentally smirked at that cleverness. And she did just what I used to expect her to do, she wrapped her legs around my knees and her fingers let go of the fabric and placed her thumbs and pointer fingers into my belt loops on my pants.

She looked me straight in the eyes, and her face just flushed with a red color. "I'm so sorry." She squeaked and she released me from her grasp. I couldn't help but chuckle at the fact that she just now realized what she had been doing. "I guess it is just a habit."

"A habit? We haven't been together for over a year…are the things we still do just habit?" I asked aloud, surprising not only myself but Clare too. Where did that boldness come from? "I guess it isn't, then. Maybe it is just what feels right, and what is supposed to be."

Okay, we were now entering dangerous territories, so I didn't respond and quickly finished up with her eyes so that all of the soap was out. "All done." I announced, tossing the paper towel into the trash. I was still in front of her and when I tried to turn and walk away she locked her legs around me again.

"Eli?"

I couldn't bring myself to answer her. I just knew where it would go and I couldn't do that to her, or myself. We both just deserved better. "E-eli?"

"Yes?" I whispered back finally. My eyes were looking down, there was no way now that I could look at her. We were getting too close to what once was. "Kiss me?"

I closed my eyes tightly and gripped my hands together. But then I felt her tiny hands surround my own, just like she did when I went over to her house, after she found out about my hoarding. I looked up at her with tears in my eyes, and to my surprise she did too.

"Clare, I couldn't do that to you. It just isn't fair." I shook my head so hard that I felt as if it would fall off. "I want you to. One kiss, Eli. Then you can walk away from me forever."

I scoffed at her words. "Don't you get it? One kiss, will turn into everything you walked away from in the first place. It'll bring you right back in, so that you can get scared and walk away. And, that Clare, that just wouldn't be fair to me." I felt harsh, and my words were harsher, but she needed to hear the truth. That everything she does absolutely kills me.

"You won't scare me, because you aren't him. And by that I mean the monster you became when you were really sick. And that is what you are Eli, sick. Not crazy or scary. You are being taken care of and taking care of yourself. Every day I see the Eli I fell in love with come back even more." She paused.

"I once told you that I broke up with the same guy that I fell in love with, but Eli, that was nothing but a lie. Because what I broke up with was terrifying that if I didn't spend time with him, he would do something to me. The guy that you were at first, is the guy standing in front of me now. And I never really broke up with…in fact I'm still very much in love with him."

"So, please, Eli…kiss me." Her voice was pleading and her stunning eyes told me that everything she had just said was the complete truth, and I just couldn't help myself. I kissed her.

I didn't kiss just a girl.

I didn't even kiss just Clare Edwards.

I kissed the girl, Clare Edwards, who I am completely insanely in love with.

When we pulled apart we both had goofy smiles plastered on our faces. She traced my chest with her pointer finger. "So…where does this leave us?"

I chuckled. "Ah, the million dollar, cliché, cheesy question." I rolled my eyes. She huffed then crossed her arms while pouting. But then she smirked, and I knew that couldn't be good. "Fine, I take it back. So, you wanna lay low with your girlfriend?"

"Twist my rubber arm, girlfriend."

I am actually proud of this…I wrote it in about two hours, I think it is my favorite one-shot of mine. Please review? You know you want to! And besides I'll love you for it~ ;)