Dovahkiin: Ace Attorney
Characters:
DB: Dragonborn/Dovahkiin
VMI: Vice Magistrate of Inquisition; Victor Mason the Imperial
Bookkeeper
The Prosecution
Chicken
Alma Duval the Imperial
Drunken Wastrel
The Defendant, Odahviing
[The scene opens with a grassy field outside Whiterun, there appears to be a ceremony about to commence]
VMI: This court is now in session. Let the record show that proceedings began on the 3rd of Last Seed 4E210.
Bookkeeper: [scribbles a doodle of the VMI in a tutu]
VMI: The opening statement by the Prosecution, please...
Prosecution: On the 2nd of Last Seed 4E210 the defendant was apprehended by the Whiterun Guard for destroying the chicken farm of Alma Duval, the defendant is charged with arson, destruction of property, and first degree murder...
Odahviing: Doesn't that mean I killed someone with particular finesse?
DB: No, it just means you killed someone in cold blood after planning it out.
Odahviing: Well, I AM cold-blooded, I'm a reptile!
DB: Couldn't you have at least been all willy-nilly about it?
Odahvinng: I would like to complain that my lawyer is decidedly incompetent. I wish to redact his previous statement and request a new defender.
VMI: Overruled, the idiot's statement shall stand.
DB: HEY!
VMI: Order in the court!
DB: We're not IN a court...
VMI [to Bookkeeper]: Please check the record to verify that court is, in fact, in session.
Bookkeeper: The judge is, in fact, in a tutu!
VMI: There, see?... wait, what?
Bookkeeper: Sorry, sir, so sorry!
VMI: FIX IT!
Prosecution [never stopped talking from earlier]: ...we therefore must conclude beyond reasonable doubt that Mr. Sky Hunter Wing is guilty.
VMI: OH right! How does the defendant plead?
Odahviing: Fairly hungry.
VMI: Excuse me?
Odahviing: Scratch that, very hungry.
DB: Not now! The defendant pleads not guilty, Your (ahem) Honor.
VMI: And where is your evidence, as such?
DB: I call to the stand my first witness, Tiberius MacMooley.
VMI: Oh no...
Drunken Wastrel: I shaw the hool thang furm mah shanteh. Dere wash dish hooooog purble netch that flew on dah raimbow ofer dah barrow...
DB: By the Eight, get him out of here. I'm sorry I asked!
VMI: You really should have known better than to use the village idiot as your witness.
DB: I thought I was the idiot...
VMI: Well, you are. Just not the village idiot. Prosecution, please call your first witness.
Prosecution: I call Alma Duval to the stand.
Alma: That's the one! That stinking lizard blew up my whole farm, or my name is Arngeir the Greybeard!
Odahviing: You are Arngeir the Greybeard?
DB: You really need to stop assuming people don't lie. Just because you can't doesn't mean they can't!
Odahviing: So supposing I didn't blow up her farm, would that be lying under oath? Obviously I didn't blow up the WHOLE farm, I missed at least one chicken.
Prosecution: Next I call Chicken to the stand.
Odahviing: I didn't know chickens were legal witnesses!
Chicken: Buhk buhk buhk buhk buhk BAKAWK!
DB: What the Fus?
[Chicken gets pushed off stand by Unrelenting Force]
Prosecution: Undeniable proof of Mr. Sky Hunter Wing's guilt! This chicken's testimony is airtight evidence!
VMI: It will be difficult to disprove, certainly. Bookkeeper, did you write that down?
Bookkeeper [doodling a chicken in a tutu]: Yes, sir! Of course, sir!
VMI: Good. Does the defense have any remaining evidence? If not I shall judge the defendant guilty.
DB: I would like to call my Daedric Greatsword to the stand. [cuts down Prosecution]
[Exeunt Prosecution]
Odahviing: Get on! [DB mounts, Odahviing flies away]
VMI [sighing]: Freaking player characters, think they own the place... Court adjourned.
Bookkeeper; By the way, I can't actually read or write...
VMI: [facepalm]
[Meanwhile in the sky]
Odahviing: That was some First Degree murder right there.
DB: Boring conversation, anyway... Let's go burn a chicken farm or something.
Odahviing: Might as well, if we're guilty anyway.
[Curtain falls]